MiSTing: The Value of Secrets
(In a small studio apartment on a hill in Central NY, in the Spring (meaning one minute it’s 20 and snowing, the next it’s 80 and raining, and for 5 minutes every so often it’s 70 and beautiful just to drive you nuts) a small group of IManics have gathered once again to mourn the hiatus...and a few other things.)
Lauren: Gang, I got some bad news.
Armi: We already know about the re-runs of IM, Lauren.
Lauren: No no...other bad news.
Neko: There’s MORE?
Lauren: Yea, just found out that Douglas Adams died.
Stacey: *gasping* Oh no! Not the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy author!
Lauren: ‘Fraid so.
wishful: Aw crap, that sucks!
Img: You know I heard that they were gonna have an entry for Darien in the Guide.
Emma: You’re joking.
Flower: No, I heard about that too!
fawkesie: What was it gonna say?
Adel: Wait I got a copy (she pulls out an electronic book with ‘Don’t Panic’ written in large, friendly letters on the cover) OK...he’s under Invisible Man...here we go. “Invisible Man, AKA Darien Fawkes. A human grafted with a synthetic organ allowing him to go invisible. Incidentally this being is constantly chased around by many females trying to keep him visible.”
Neko: Huh...interesting...
Stacey: At least it wasn’t “mostly harmless”.
Lauren: Speaking of being visible...(Lauren picks up the remote and presses PLAY)
-------------------
This MiSTing dedicated to the late Douglas Adams. So long and thanks for all the fish, Doug.
Our Cast Of Riffers (in the order they got their
riffs in):
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): Thanks Doug, you will be missed.
Stacey (AKA R2): Hey look, who knew being Darien’s ex-girlfriend could make me a footnote in the Guide!
wishful (AKA wishfulthinker): “IManicus THUDicus”...yea, that’s you Stacey.
Armi (AKA Armitage): Too bad your footnote isn’t as big as Hobbes’ is!
Emma (AKA IManHobbes): I think Hobbes would be pissed to find out he’s only a footnote!!
Img (AKA Iman_girl): Lauren, why is your white mouse staring at us like that?
Neko (AKA NekoSama): I could use a nice strong, hot cup of tea.
fawkesie (AKA fawkesieladyandEd): Can we go to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe after this, I’m starved!
Flower (AKA FlowerbudFawkes): Then we could come back after the hiatus is over!
Adel (AKA Adelheide): Couldn’t they space out these hiatuses? Or would that be hiatusi?
And so our riffing beings...
<Caption, “The Mayer Foundation.”>
Flower: Is that where they make Oscar Meyer wieners?
Lauren: (to Stacey) I didn’t know you had a Foundation!
Stacey: (whacking Flower and Lauren) That’s Meyer, not Mayer!
Lauren: I always was a bad speller.
<Kate puts on futuristic goggles.>
Lauren: This is turning into Tron.
Adel: It’s Kate Easton, computer sex kitten!
<Shot of two men looking through the window.>
Adel: And these would be the Bad Guys.
Lauren: Hey, check out the black guy...it’s Billy D. Williams!
<Halladice, “I paid all that money for a tissue box?”>
Lauren: That’s what happens when your Foundation is funded by Kleenex.
wishful: (sniffling and clutching her personal box of blue Kleenex) YOU’VE obviously never had allergies.
Neko: Last time I checked tissue boxes were flimsy and made of cardboard.
<Callahan, “Just watch.”>
Img: (as Callahan) That means no smelling, hearing, feeling or tasting.
<Kate, “System Activate!”>
Lauren: Wonder Tissue Box, Activate!
<Cool special effect glowing balls with lights appear.>
Adel: That is such a COOL special effect!
Flower: OK, so it looks like Kate’s projecting the atoms onto a control level with some graphic display and shes got binary code streams connecting the display level to the compy...are those supposed to be the qubits? Or maybe that’s the glowing triangles...
(Everyone stares at Flower with confused looks)
Flower: What? I’m a math and physics major.
(Everyone now looks horrified)
Flower: What?!
<Darien’s voice over, “...if a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, how much knowledge does a person need before they are safe?”>
Lauren: I remember my Masters Exams...no one had enough knowledge to be safe from them!
<Halladice listens to the phone.>
Lauren: (as Darth Vader) Bring the Princess and Solo to me.
<Halladice, “The Department of Defense is in a panic. Apparently someone just broke through all their firewalls and into their ultra-secure system.”>
Flower: So we’re watching Hackers now?
Lauren: If Vince’s hair is short and blond I’m SO switching to Comedy Central!
Armi: (as Kate) Kevin Mitnick, eat your heart out.
Img: So you’re saying this box is the latest model fire extinguisher?
<Halladice, “Very impressive Dr. Easton. How long before we can take it with us?”>
Img: If you want it giftwrapped and packaged, I’m thinking about 20 minutes.
<Callahan, “Mr. Halladice wonders when the QC will be fully operational.”>
Lauren: Isn’t that the Home Shopping Network?
Stacey: That’s Q*V*C
<Callahan, “You have to understand Dr. Easton just wants to make sure there are no malfunctions.”>
Img: Easton? Isn’t she the one who got crushed by the house in Wizard of Oz?
<Kate and Callahan together, “NO!”>
wishful: Oooh, stereo surround sound.
fawkesie: If they were in my daycare, I’d put them in time-out for saying no!
<Kate, “We need more time.”>
Img: (as Kate) We’re currently out of stock, however if you wish to be put on a waiting list...
<Halladice, “So in your own words, no.”>
Lauren: Uh...in your own *word*.
<Kate, “I didn’t think he’d be here so soon.”>
Flower: Why, when was his appointment?
Img: Traffic must be moving smoothly today.
<Kate, “Mick, you can’t just let him take the QC. You know what he’ll do with it.”>
Img: Sell it to Tiger Electronics and let them program it into their latest type of Furby?
Emma: Buy lots of crap that he’ll never use?
<Callahan puts a hand on Kate’s shoulder, “I’m truly sorry.”>
Lauren: He’s gonna give her the Vulcan Neck Pinch!
<Kate glares at Callahan as he leaves.>
Flower: Ooh, she’s got the mean face now. Nothing good shall come of this.
Lauren: Except maybe a good eppy...
Flower: True.
<Darien’s voice over, “OK, this chick Pandora...”>
wishful: Oh right, it’s ALWAYS the chick who screws up, isn’t it?
<Darien’s voice over, “...was so damn curious she opened a box that unleashed pain, disease, and other fun stuff into the universe.”>
Adel: That just means Pandora was spunky!
Flower: I do not like Darien’s definitions of ‘fun’ stuff. Love the Greek myth reference though. Hey Lauren, if Darien shows up in a toga you’ll...
Lauren: (fainting) <THUD>!
Stacey: Hey! That’s my job!
<Darien’s voice over, “This is the story of when Darien Fawkes met Pandora.”>
Lauren: On a blind date?
Stacey: Only if he was invisible.
Lauren: Hobbes must be rubbing off on Darien if he’s referring to himself in the 3rd person.
<Kate starts manipulating the special effects balls.>
Lauren: Thrill as she juggles special effects!
Img: Oooo...pretty lights. So THIS is where the Aurora Borealis comes from!
Emma: Floating Bubbles by Microsoft.
<Darien...”saunters” down the hall while interesting background music plays.>
Emma: Somebody ate his Wheaties this morning.
Adel: (singing) If you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go where fashion sits...oh sorry, Young Frankenstein moment.
Img: O come on Darien! Claire had WAY more energy in her dance moves.
Flower: Ooh, I’ll be his dance partner any night!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>!
wishful: My nickname is proving peculiarly appropriate at this moment...
Lauren: I’m sure security is having a ball watching him do the cha-cha down the hall.
<Claire, “What’s the occasion?”>
Lauren: Dude, it’s always a party when IM is on!
Everyone: WO HO!!
<Darien, “It’s Monday, that’s all!”>
Neko: That’s why she asked, Monday’s aren’t usually happy days for most of us!
Img: I don’t know about you, but I could never relate the word ‘good’ with a Monday morning!
<Claire, “I pulled up this study last week.”>
Lauren: Must be LabRatMonthly.com
<Claire, “Here’s my research.”
‘Gland Removal Conclusions’ is already on the screen, but we hear keyboard clicks.>
Armi: So, is she pulling that up on a second screen or something?
<Claire, “Acoustic ablations device, patient dies...”>
Flower: Better ablations then ablutions. Oh wait, nevermind...the second would involve another shower scene, I change my vote!
<Darien, “I’ve got an idea, why don’t you give me a copy of the files and I can help with the research.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Don’t you know I was only a thief to put myself through Medical School?
<Darien, “You’re trying to keep me!”>
wishful: Her name IS the Keeper you know, Darien.
<Darien, “You ever feel this?” he quicksilvers Claire’s arm. As it disappears he returns to eating the yogurt.>
Flower: I’d pay good money to feel that!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>!
Flower: Oh...uh...I didn’t mean it that way, but I’d pay good money for that too!
Lauren: And Claire becomes Fred Johnson’s wife.
wishful: (as Claire) Oh sure, first you make my arm go see-through, then you eat my yogurt. Does it never end?
<Hobbes enters, “Fawkes, Big Man wants to see us upstairs.”>
Adel: (waves) Hi Bobby.
Armi: (as Darien) You think I can finish my breakfast first?
<Hobbes, “Is it weird when he does that?”>
Neko: What? Hobbes thinks this is a regular thing?
wishful: Don’t worry, you’ll find out.
Lauren: Shh! We don’t know that yet!
<Claire, “Oh, buzz off!”>
Emma: Claire must be taking sarcasm lessons from my Mother.
Armi: (in bad Italian accent) Curse-a you Keeper! Don’t-a you realize what you are saying?
Lauren: Huh?
Armi: (blinks) Huh...Buckaroo Bonzai moment.
<Official, as Hobbes and Darien enter, “And here they are.”>
Lauren: The next contestants on the Price is Right!
<Eberts stands behind the Official, his hands behind his back as usual.>
Adel: (waves) Hi Eberts!
wishful: Is that his “at ease” position or what?
<Eberts hands out Mayer Foundation Brochures, talking about the Foundation.>
Img: Eberts is like clicking the ‘on’ button to Encarta Encyclopedia.
Stacey: They have brochures?
Lauren: (reading a brochure) Here at Mayer we specialize in futuristic technology that can send the Department of Defense into a panic!
<Hobbes glares at Eberts.>
Emma: (sighs dreamily) He’s so cute when he glares at Eberts.
<Official, “Trust me when I say this to you, it’s a secret.”
Eberts, “Neither of us know.”>
Img: Isn’t that on the Top 10 List of things NEVER to tell your agents?
Lauren: So it’s need to know, and they don’t know?
Stacey: Who knows!
wishful: Don’t start!
<Darien, “How can you be sure it wasn’t him?”
Official, “Because I’ve known Mick Callahan for 16 years.”>
Emma: (tosses a frito at the Official) Sure! I knew Greg Romeo for 22 years and that didn’t stop the little chizelmonkey from swiping my X-Men video!
<Darien, “...I’d say it’s cause he’s smart.”
Hobbes, “Genius.”>
Lauren: Hobbes’ll get a taste of that later.
Stacey: Shhh! We don’t know that yet!
wishful: Darien and Hobbes work so well together.
fawkesie: That finishing sentences thing is catching...’cause now Darien and Bobby are doing it.
<Official, “Because he has reason to suspect that it was an inside job.”>
Img: I guess that means we won’t get to admire California’s sunny skies in this eppy.
<Hobbes, “When did you start reading Scientific American?”
Darien, “Friday.”>
Adel: Yea, it was a free offer with his Maxim subscription.
Emma: (as Darien) Only cause the newsstand didn’t have any more copies of Marie Claire.
Lauren: He was hoping there’d be an article inside called “New Frontiers in Gland Removal”.
<Outside shot of the Mayer Foundation. It’s a gorgeous day.>
Lauren: (singing) It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for IM!
<Darien and Hobbes examine some...unique wooden statues that you really just need to see for yourself.>
Lauren: Is that a gigantic wooden dreidal on the floor back there?
Flower: So not only is Hobbes Jewish, but the entire Mayer Foundation!
Lauren: (singing) Dreidal dreidal dredel, I made it out of wood...dreidal dreidal dreidal, it doesn’t spin that good.
Stacey: And the other thing is a rather large phallic symbol.
wishful: Dreidal and phallic symbols in a genius institute, who would have thunk?
<Darien, knocking on a wooden post, “Can you hear anything?”>
Img: (as Hobbes) What was that? You’re gonna have to speak up.
Adel: Darien, stop that! Leave the decor alone! Honestly!
<Callahan, “I’m Dr. Callahan.”>
Lauren: Wasn’t that a Clint Eastwood character?
<Callahan, “Lab A is only accessible to specially cleared personnel.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) I can be specially clear!
<Darien, “Well...and thieves.”>
Flower: (as Darien) And seeing as I’m a thief who can turn specially clear, why don’t you let me in!
<Darien, “OK, maybe I’m not a genius...”>
wishful: (as Vince) But I was related to one on TV.
<Darien, “If you don’t tell us what was stolen, how do you expect us to get it back?”>
Lauren: Luck?
Stacey: Chance?
Lauren: Ouiji boards?
Stacey: Charm and grace?
Lauren: Search through lost and found?
<Callahan, “Gentlemen.”>
Flower: That’s called not answering the question.
<Callahan, “We come up with solutions to keep this world a safe place to sleep at night.”>
Lauren: They came up with bed rails?
Stacey: No, they’re trying to outlaw bunk beds.
<Kate, “But if you knew those solutions you might not sleep so well yourself.”>
Flower: Is she talking about the fact that a quantum computer used in the way she does could theoretically rip a hole through the fabric of space-time and nullify us all?
(more confused looks)
Flower: I already said I’m a math and physics geek, what do you expect?
<Callahan, “This is Dr. Easton, one of our stars.”>
Lauren: Funny, she doesn’t look like a large flaming ball of gas.
Stacey: That’s not what he ment.
<Hobbes, grinning at Kate, “Robert, pleasure.”>
Adel: (smiling) He is SO smooth...
Lauren: You can almost see him flip the Charm switch to ‘on’.
<Darien, to Kate, “Actually it’s easy; it’s the project that was stolen. Yea, you had to be cleared to know about the theft.”>
wishful: (muttering) Smartypants.
Neko: (as Hobbes) Smartass.
<Callahan, “Gentleman I’m sorry I’ve restricted your investigation, but it was necessary for the sake of security.”
Kate, “And irony.”>
Lauren: Alanis Morissette was on the project too?
<Kate leaves, then Callahan, leaving Darien and Hobbes alone in the hallway.>
Stacey: So they just dump Darien and Hobbes in the middle of a highly classified building with little information on a mission to find something they don’t know about without any escort?
Lauren: Ten bucks says Darien tries to steal something.
wishful: You know that brown and orange shirt is such a reject from the seventies...even Darien can’t pull that one off without looking like a dork.
<Darien, “Maybe we’re just gonna hit the bathroom.”>
Img: I’m afraid that’s classi...er...never mind.
Flower: They better not be classified, or that place will have a Hell of a problem on their hands!
<Hobbes, “Security?”
Darien, “Never see me coming.”>
Neko: Very true, Darien.
Lauren: Hiring Ray Charles as Security Chief was a bad idea.
<Shot of Kate running, she’s still in her lab outfit.>
Lauren: That must be her sport lab coat.
<Woman, to Kate, “When did you start drinking?”>
Lauren: (as Kate) About the same time I started smoking and sniffing glue.
Img: (as Kate) I think I stopped using a bottle when I was a toddler.
<Kate, “I’m asking for your help, you can say yes or no.”
Woman, “You know what, Mark and I are...”>
Img: (as Kate) I believe you were supposed to answer yes or no!
<Woman, “I am just going to give you an extra key to my house.”>
Lauren: WOW! Party at Kate’s new pad tonight!
Stacey: I want to be this woman’s friend!
<Asian Man, “You were right about the yearbook.”>
Lauren: (as Man) My school picture looks awful!
Adel: And this would be a Bad Guy, too, right?
<Darien, “Well I’m in...hopefully not locked in.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Because I just have no idea how to pick a lock...oh wait...
wishful: Oh for cryin’ out loud, how about some consistency here people! You are too young a show to get your continuity screwed up!
<Hobbes, “Just don’t touch anything you don’t understand.”>
Lauren: If that was my policy in life I don’t think I’d ever leave my apartment.
Stacey: (as Hobbes) The Mayer Foundation policy is ‘you break it you bought it’, and it’s coming out of YOUR paycheck, my friend!
<Darien walks past a large bank of black computers with dozens of flashing lights on them.>
Lauren: (as William Shatner) Blinking and beeping and flashing....blinking and beeping and flashing...I can’t take it anymore!!
Stacey: You’re lab isn’t a real scientist lab without lots of flashing lights.
<A car pulls up to the red painted curb.>
Lauren: The red zone is for loading and unloading only. There is no parking in the red zone.
Stacey: You do realize you’ve just made two “Airplane” jokes in a row, right?
<Hobbes, “Here she comes!”>
Lauren: (singing) Ms. America!
<Hobbes, “Dr. Kate is workin’ late.”>
fawkesie: He’s a poet but he don’t even know it!
<Darien, “Well this should be educational.”>
Flower: Educational television. Is that an oxymoron?
Lauren: Nah...I mean check out all the stuff we learned at the end of the MiSTing!
<Darien jumps onto a computer bank to sit.>
Lauren: Say hi to Daniel Jackson while you’re up there.
<Darien disappears.>
wishful: Oooh, check out the musculature. Wow!
Adel: You know he really does look good in black...OK he looks good nekkid too...
<Kate pulls the QC out of a bag labeled Dunkie Donuts.>
Adel: See THIS is why women’s purses are so big. The better to steal and hide super computers with.
Stacey: Dunkie?!
Lauren: Uh oh...we all know how bad Darien is around donuts...
wishful: It’ll set him off again!
<We see the cool multi-colored ball effect, then the same effect from quicksilver vision.>
Stacey: Oh it’s much more pretty in color!
Lauren: Now Darien knows what dogs are missing.
<Kate, “OK, let’s go to market.”>
wishful: This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy...
<Kate uses the QC on the Hang Seng Index and winds up with 20 million dollars.>
Armi: (whistles) Nick Leeson would have loved to have had her on his team!
<Darien, “That was better then IMAX.”>
Neko: IMAX is in black and white?
Stacey: Well it’s IMAN!
Lauren: I liked Grand Canyon Adventure!
<Kate, “What are you doing here?”
Darien, “Catching a thief.”>
Flower: He loves being on the right side of the law for a robbery, doesn’t he? Look how smug he is!
wishful: Hey, you know what they say...it takes a thief...
(everyone whacks wishful with their pillows)
<Darien, “Now I don’t know what I just saw, except that it was really cool. But I do recognize a dollar sign.”>
Lauren: Is it me or did he sound a bit like Christian Slater for a second?
Stacey: The former thief in Darien perked up at the sight of all that money.
<Kate, “I earned it legally.”
Darien, “Really, in 10 seconds? Nice gig, huh?”>
Lauren: (singing) Nice work if you can get it...
<Kate, “You wouldn’t understand, it’s high tech.”
Darien, “What a coincidence, so am I.”>
Flower: Point for Darien! Although for a brainiac she sure doesn’t question that comment.
Lauren: Wait, when did Darien become the bionic man?
<Kate hides, “That’s not security.”>
Adel: Darien, running and hiding might be very wise right now!
<Darien and Kate hide behind a silver trunk under the desk.>
wishful: Oh look, it’s a magician’s cupboard. I wonder if it’s the type where you cut people in half?
<Darien hits Asian Man on the head by throwing an invisible...thing.>
Adel: Wow! Nice throw!
Lauren: What was that...thing?
Stacey: I think that’s one of those things Hobbes said not to touch.
<Darien and Kate sprint down the hall past the ladies bathroom.>
Lauren: I gotta pee.
(everyone looks at Lauren)
Stacey: Well you should have thought of that before we started the MiSTing!
<Kate leads Darien into a dead end.>
Lauren: Oh for cryin’ out loud...she doesn’t know the building well enough to lead him to an exit? Or security?!
<Darien, “Who the Hell is that?”
Kate, “I don’t know.”>
wishful: (as Darien) What, you have so many people shooting at you on a daily basis for no apparent reason that you can’t keep track or something?
<Asian Man glances around and points the gun at nothing but more flashing banks of lights.>
fawkesie: Man, even the closets in this place have blinkey lights!
Lauren: Shoot the lights, they’re driving me NUTS!
<Darien and Kate re-appear. Kate is grinning and Darien is winded.>
Lauren: Uh...what were they up to while invisible?
<Kate, “Oh wow!”
Darien, “Oh crap!”>
Lauren: I think Kate did that, Darien.
Everyone: Eeewww...
Armi: I think that covers everything, don’t you?
Neko: (as Darien) What part of ‘don’t make a sound’ did you not understand?!
Flower: You know, as a science geek, “Oh wow” might actually be my reaction too. And as a woman that would also be my reaction to Vince holding me so close.
Everyone: Hell yea!
<Kate, “They grafted a synthetic biopartition to your cerebral cortex and your brain didn’t reject the wet wiring?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Well when you say it like that you make it sound so complicated.
Flower: OK, if I was trapped in a room with either Vince OR Darien, I certainly wouldn’t be talking neurology. I’d be proving my Naughtyville citizenship!
<Kate, “Yea, and it was the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me...until a second later when I was turned invisible!”>
Lauren: If you think that was scary, wait till Darien goes QSM!
<Kate, “Do you know the molecular properties?”>
Img: (as Darien) You mean in scientific terms? No. In simplistic terms? No. Not really.
Lauren: (as Darien) Look lady, I’m just the lab rat, OK?
<Darien, “You know, it’s kind of hard for me to talk about. I have mixed feelings about the gland, it’s kind of a combo of hate and fear. So if you don’t mind I’d like to switch to happier topics.”>
Lauren: Puppies?
Emma: Christmas?
Stacey: Chocolate?
<Darien, “Like who just shot at us.”>
Lauren, Emma and Stacey: Oh.
Emma: That’s not very happy.
Flower: His definition of ‘fun’ and ‘happier topics’ need to be adjusted.
<Kate, holding up the QC, “This is why.”>
Lauren: No, that’s a what.
Stacey: But it’s also why.
Lauren: No, it’s an it, so it’s a what.
Stacey: Why can’t it be a what?
Lauren: Third base!
Armi: Will you cut that out!
<Darien, “Yea, I figured that. What is it?”>
wishful: It’s a tissue box, can’t you tell?
<Kate, “What do you know about quantum physics?”>
wishful: (as Darien) I’m a thief, not a scientist!
<Kate, “In a nutshell, it’s a theory which supposes time and space are the same thing and that all points in the universe are both connected and separate.”>
Lauren: (stoned) Whoa...heavy, dude.
Img: Where is our simplistic translating Keeper when we need her?
wishful: Oh gawd, Douglas Adams moment...it’s the fundamental interconnectedness of all things...where’s Dirk Gently when you need him?
<Darien, “An infinite number of universes coexisting...”>
wishful: We already covered this. That TV show was called ‘Sliders’ and if you guys even consider doing a parallel universe episode, I’ll scream.
<Darien, “Yea, it’s science fiction.”
Kate, “Look who’s talking.”>
Stacey: Oh I hated that movie.
Lauren: (as Darien) Hey, I happen to have very understandable scientific principals behind my superpowers, thank you very much!
<Darien, “You are a smartypants, aren’t’cha?”>
Adel: She’s Lisa? I thought she was Kate!
<Kate, “Finds order in chaos.”>
Flower: And so doing creates a paradox which destroys us all.
(more confused stares)
Flower: Should I just stop with the science talk now?
Everyone: YES!
<Kate, “You ask it a question, it gives you every possible answer in every possible universe.”>
Stacey: And that’s useful....how?
Lauren: Thanks but I just want the answer for MY universe!
<Darien, “NSA?”
Kate, “Yea, they want to use it for code breaking, military purposes. I built it to help people.”>
Img: Anything done out of love is beyond good and evil.
Lauren: Yea, ‘cause we all know the NSA is famous for it’s philanthropy.
<Darien, “No it finds 20 million dollars in ten seconds, that’s what it finds.”>
wishful: Way to be greedy AND practical, Darien.
<Hobbes, over the radio, “Einstein to Michelangelo.” Darien grabs the headset.>
Adel: If he breaks into The Backstreet Boys I’m SO switching to Comedy Central!
wishful: Where in the world do they come up with these code names?
Stacey: So Hobbes is the great thinker and Darien the great artist?
Lauren: You’d think with a name like Hobbes, Bobby would be a great philosopher.
Armi: Personally I’d say Darien looks more like ‘David’ then Michelangelo.
<Darien, “Did you see anyone else go in there? Kind of a midsize Asian guy?”
Hobbes, “No.”
Darien, “Looked like Sting?”>
wishful: (surprised) He did?
Lauren: (singing) Roxanne! You don’t have to put on the red light!
<Hobbes, “Dirty little Darien...”>
Flower: (excitedly jumping up) Yes! Please?!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>!
<Hobbes, “She made a move on you, didn’t she?”>
Adel: What is it with you, Bobby? Always straight to Naughtyville.
Stacey: But we have fine schools.
<Darien, “I am not blushing!”
Hobbes, “Like a tomata!”>
Lauren: Tomato
Stacey: Potayta.
Lauren: Potahto.
Both: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing off!
<Hobbes, “You don’t fish off the company pier, son.”>
Adel: Or poach the Company’s deer. Hey, that rhymes! Thank you, I’m here all week!
Neko: Hobbes sure is fond of that phrase, isn’t he?
Lauren: But let’s face it...with Darien’s life, those are the only waters he can even throw bait in!
<Hobbes, “But I got news for you Buckwheat, incorrecto!”>
Lauren: Buckwheat? Isn’t that Rygel’s nickname?
<Darien, “You know you’re very pretty when you get upset.”>
Flower: Darien, don’t go there, please?
<Callahan, “It’s simply not ready!”
Halladice, “You’ve already used that line.”>
Lauren: (as Callahan) Well don’t yell at me, yell at the script writer!
Img: (as Callahan) I’m on page 78, where are you?
<Halladice, “What I need to understand I already understood when I saw the QC operate on Monday.”>
wishful: (smugly) You ain’t got nothing on the ‘need to know’ speech, mister!
<Halladice, “Fine, I’ll be right outside.”>
Lauren: And Lando Calrisian get’s threatening with Clint Eastwood.
<Darien is looking at a picture of a young Official with JFK while playing with a stamper.>
(Armi hums the Anvil Chorus in time with Darien’s stamping)
Adel: Suddenly so many conspiracy theories make sense.
Lauren: Man, that trumps my pic taken with George Pataki.
<Hobbes rolls in the Official’s chair, slamming into the wall.>
Lauren: Careful Bobby, with how cheep the building is you might just cause that whole wall to collapse!
Adel: You break it, you bought it!
<The Official and Eberts walk in on Darien and Hobbes playing in the office.>
wishful: (as Official) That’s the third chair he’s broken this month. And if that little punk’s drawn another mustache and pair of glasses on my picture with JFK he’s gonna be spending a month in the padded room...
<Official, “Gentleman, I think an explanation is in order!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Oh good, I’ve been waiting for you to explain quite a few...
Stacey: (as Official) Not from me, you!
<Hobbes, “We were just zeroing in on a suspect.”>
Lauren: As in big fat zero suspects.
Img: 5...4...3...2...1...0!
<Hobbes, “Why don’t you tell him, Agent Darien Fawkes?”>
Lauren: Ouch...that’s like when your Mom uses your full name, including the middle!
<Hobbes, “...then we might spook the real perp.”
Darien, “Exactly, see we were scared of spookin’ the perp.”
Official, “Spookin’ the perp?”
Hobbes, “That’s right, spookin’ the perp.”>
Lauren: All we need is Eberts to say “spookin’ the perp” and we’ll have four of a kind.
<Eberts, “In short, if you screw this up...”
Official, “I’ll kill you.”>
Img: He’s so encouraging.
Lauren: (as Darien) Can’t you just threaten me with the padded cell like you normally do?
<Darien, “So? You did something nice, what’s your angle?”>
wishful: Paranoid plaza again Darien? Can’t Hobbes be nice once in a while?
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Well the van needs washing...and I could use someone to do some laundry for me...
Hobbes, “I will cut you loose from my bosom of protection!”>
*stunned pause*
Adel: (slightly dazed) Bosom...of...what?
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>!
<Hobbes, “...cause you use these one word answers. You don’t think I notice but I do! If...the...of...check.”>
Emma: Oh he’s just...too...cute! (she faints) <THUD>
Lauren: Nothin’
Img: OK.
Adel: What.
Stacey: Nope.
Lauren: Maybe.
Adel: Where.
Flower: OK Stacey, now do it backwards!
Stacey: Pass.
<Darien, to Kate, “What are you talking about? We’re in this together now.”>
Lauren: (singing) So we’re gonna do it together!
Stacey: Aw crap, they’re adding ANOTHER character to the show?
Lauren: They’re gonna rename this show “Darien and Friends”.
<Darien, to Kate, “You do realize you just consumed twice your body weight.”>
Lauren: (bitter) Oh, a whole ten pounds?
Armi: So? According to most of the fanfic, you do too.
<Kate, “Yea, they didn’t cover anything like this in my post-doctoral.”
Darien, “When you were what, 19?”
Kate, “16 actually.”>
Lauren: Man, when I was 16 I was lucky to know what end of the oboe to blow in.
<Darien, “All right, how does this whole genius thing work?”>
wishful: Is this a question you always wanted to ask your brother but was too afraid to find out?
<Kate, “No, but I do see things.”>
Img: Dead people?
Flower: Kate, that’s not something you tell the world.
<Kate, “Addiction. After one bite of the apple you just want another.”>
Lauren: So Kate’s a junkie? She and Darien will get along great then!
(everyone gasps in surprise at Lauren)
Lauren: What?! Oh come on, even Darien calls the counteragent a ‘fix’!
<Darien, “Do you think there’s kind of a downside to being young and brilliant?”>
Lauren: My Mom watches that soap opera, she loves it!
Stacey: That’s Young and the Restless!
<Kate, “When I was 7 my Mom made me take ballroom dancing just to get me away from the computer.”>
Lauren: Ballroom dancing at 7? Who were her parents, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers?!
<Darien saunters over to the radio and within a second has some light dance music on.>
wishful: Don’t you love fiction where everything contrives to work out instantly and perfectly?
Lauren: I don’t know if I should be upset that they think we think it’s possible to find exactly the right music THAT fast...or disturbed that Darien knows the radio station for ballroom dancing music.
<Darien and Kate start dancing.>
wishful: (affectionately) He’s such a dork...a cute dork, but a dork.
Stacey: She’s half his age!
Lauren: She’s half his height!
<Kate, “Uh, your hand is really cold.”>
Armi: If I was her, I wouldn’t be complaining!
<Darien’s leg and arm quicksilver.
Kate, “Well would it help if I threw some cold water on it or something?”>
Lauren: (as Darien, sarcastic) Sure, large chunks of ice all over my arm and leg would be perfect right now!
Img: I’d stick with the “or something” option.
wishful: (as TV commercial announcer) Do you find yourself turning invisible during moments of passion? Then we might be able to help you!
<Kate, “Is this the first time this has happened?”>
Adel: Right now thousands of men are cringing and crying.
Lauren: So...the counteragent is made of viagra?
Stacey: (giving Lauren an odd look) I don’t wana know where you got THAT from!
<Kate, “I guess everything is back to normal.”
Darien, looking down at himself, “If you consider this normal.”>
Lauren: Oh no, you’re definitely way above average!
Flower: What I wouldn’t give to be Kate right there!
Stacey faints: <THUD>
<They start dancing again, then the scene shifts to later that night.>
Stacey: So they danced all night?
Lauren: That’s either romantic or boring.
<Kate, “Your brother, he crea