MiSTing: The Value Of Secrets (or You Need To Know!)
(Hidden under some Christmas snow (FINALLY!), 12 IManiac’s, one for each day of Christmas, gather in a tiny studio apartment. All is not well however, for after lighting her Hanukkah candles Lauren is now deep in the innards of her VCR)
wishful: Come on, what’s wrong!
Jenn: Yea, I’ve got shopping to do!
Lauren: (getting zapped) Crap! Cheep piece of...
Adel: Give her a minute, guys, we’ll get TVOS soon.
Img: Someone pass more eggnog, this could be a while.
Armi: You know we could always go to my place.
White: Pessimist!
Joyce: Lauren! I can’t be trapped in this tiny studio without my IMan!
Akai: Someone get a paper bag!
Neko: It’ll be OK, she’ll get it fixed and everything will be fine.
KCM: This is why IM needs to come out on DVD
Lauren: Wait...I think I almost...*ZAP* DAMNIT! (in anger she whacks the side of her TV/VCR combo, and after a second of snow the opening to The Other Invisible Man comes on)
Stacey: Oh! Well...that works!
Lauren: So...change of plan everyone! We’re now riffing TOIM!
----------------------------
Our Cast of Riffers (in the order they got the
riffs in)
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): Someone keep an eye on the Hanukkah candles, I don’t think they’re the dripless kind.
Stacey (AKA R2): Oh God...Oh God...Oh God...
Jenn (AKA QSM): Someone help R2, she’s hyperventilating!
wishful (AKA wishfulthinker): (singing) What’s that in the bread/It’s gone to my head....what? It’s a lyric from Jesus Christ Superstar, OK?
Adel (AKA Adelheide): Don’t worry, I brought yoga mats to keep everyone from getting a concussion.
Img (AKA Iman_girl): Better lay them down quick!
Armi (AKA Armitage): Wish we had a Holiday episode to watch.
White (AKA WhiteStar_2): It would be appropriate.
Joyce (AKA Invisible_Mom): Hobbes and Darien gift shopping?
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): Or singing carols!
Neko (AKA NekoSama): Well on the BBoard they are!
KCM (AKA...KCM): Ssshhh! Look it’s starting!
<Shot of the Harding Building>
Lauren: Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane...
Stacey: Or Charles Borden in this case.
wishful: It was a dark and stormy night.
Lauren: But it’s not stormy.
wishful: Well it’s DARK!
<Darien’s voice over, “Mark Twain once said...”>
Stacey: ...that fish and houseguests smell after three days.
Lauren: That was Ben Franklin.
Stacey: From Hell’s heart I stab at thee?
Lauren: Ahab, now HUSH! The eppy isn’t even ten seconds old yet!
<Darien’s voice over, “...Be good, and you will be lonely.”>
Stacey: (singing) All by myself! Don’t wana be, all by myself...
Lauren: Wait a second...I’m not lonely!
Stacey: That’s because you have a dirty mind.
<As Darien continues to speak, the shot pans through the empty hallways of the F&G building.>
Lauren: (as cameraman) Hello? I thought we were filming today? Hello? Anyone?
<Darien’s voice over, “Now what he didn’t say was that lonely and alone aren’t exactly the same thing.”>
Stacey: Is that like hearing without really listening?
Lauren: Oh, I hate when people do that.
<Darien’s voice over, “I’ve been lonely ever since I became the Invisible Man.”>
wishful: (singing) Only lonely on the inside...
Lauren: You got an ENTIRE room of volunteers to keep you company!
Stacey: (faints) <THUD>
Lauren: OK, minus one.
<Darien’s voice over, “But what I was about to find out in the worst way was that I was never alone.”>
wishful: (singing) No one is alone/truly, no one is alone...
<Camera zooms in on Official’s door, number “202” is shown.>
Stacey: Is that like room 101 only up one level?
<Official is using an adding machine in his dimly lit office.>
White: (as Official) Let’s see...rat food, $17.95, iguana food $9.99, piranha food...what the? A whole cow!?
Akai: (shaking head) What’s with this show and dimly lit offices? People! It’s bad for your eyes! Get a clue!
<Official, after punching in some numbers on the calculator, sounding pleased, “Yea!”>
Lauren: (as Official) Wait till Steven Hawkings finds out I solved that infinity problem.
<Man, “Hey, Boss.”>
wishful: (in strong southern accent) Howdy pardner!
Lauren: Sounds like one of the guys from Cool Hand Luke...(southern) Shakin’ the bushes, boss!
Stacey: (as the guy from Deliverance) I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig! (hums dueling banjos)
<Official, “What the Hell are you doing here?”>
Joyce: (as Official) I don’t pay overtime you know.
Stacey: Uh...how can he even see who it is? The light’s in his eyes, and he’s gazing into a dark room.
Lauren: I’m guessing this is a hypothetical question since you’ve seen this eppy a million times.
Stacey: I’ve always been curious.
Joyce: (as Darien) I’m sleepwalking.
Lauren: Oh for cryin’ out loud...shhh! We’re not supposed to know that yet!
<Man, “Where is he?”>
Official, “Who?”>
Akai: Third base!
wishful: Doctor Who! Dang it, I’ve really gotta stop doing that!
<Man, “Where’s Fawkes?”>
Lauren: The new game from the makers of Where’s Waldo!
Stacey: I’d buy it!
White: I thought it was the alternate title for this season of X-Files!
KCM: (singing) Where’s Fawkes, where’s Fawkes. Here I am, here I am!
<Shot of the room going to quicksilver vision.>
Adel: Oh no! Quicksilver vision! Could this mean...that there is another Invisible Man?! Maybe he’ll be a cutie pie like our Darien...oh wait...
Stacey: You know, if I didn’t know how this thing ended I’d be worried.
Lauren: (warningly) You promised!
<Shot of picture of the Official and JFK shaking hands.>
Lauren: We’re never gonna find out who’s attacking the Official, but everyone will argue over if it was a lone attacker or a whole conspiracy.
<Sound of a punch being thrown and the overhead light is hit.>
Stacey: Hey! That light didn’t do anything to you!
<The Official reaches for the gun, it’s too far from him.>
Img: Use the force!
<Official’s desk chair appears to float into the air and hit the Official.>
KCM: So what is this, a new variation of the Amazing Floating Baby?
Jenn: (as Official) Eberts!! SAVE ME!
Lauren: (wincing) Oh that’s gonna leave a mark.
Stacey: (as intruder) I HATE musical chairs!
Lauren: And the office chair takes revenge for all those years of abuse...
Neko: So the Official is now a pinata?
White: All the hair jokes finally got to be too much...
Lauren: SHHHH!!
<As the chair hits the Official, he screams and the picture goes to black and then the “snow” of the opening credits appears.>
Stacey: The Official got his signal antenna knocked out of whack then?
<In the opening credits, Darien goes invisible while sitting in an armchair.>
wishful: His hair looks so cool when it quicksilvers. You ever notice that?
<Darien wakes up...the clock reads 9:11am.>
Stacey: Isn’t that a little late?
Lauren: When given the chance, I’ve been known to sleep till noon.
Neko: So Darien wears his watch to bed?
(Adel sighs longingly and wistfully)
Lauren: What?
Adel: Oh, you know...that bed is plenty big enough for two...I was just in my happy place, imagining waking up next to cute Mr. Rumpled there.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Adel: See, that’s why I brought the mats!
<Darien’s voice over, “The day that everything went to Hell started off like every other day, with a morning.”>
Img: Darien? It’s nine, the morning is almost over.
Lauren: Mornings *are* Hell!
Stacey: So, this is just like any other day then.
Lauren: So Darien’s day starts off with thousands of screaming woman fainting at his feet in front of their TV’s?
Stacey: Mine begins with cold cereal.
<Darien’s voice over, “Sunshine, blue skies...”>
Lauren: Yeah, we know ALL about those blue skies Darien!
Stacey: (singing) Zipadee do dah, zipadee day! My oh my what a wonderful day!
<Darien’s voice over, “Since most of my life is spent in the storm, I’ve come to appreciate the calm that comes before it.”>
Lauren: Darien, the closest it gets to a storm in your world is a few clouds...most of the time the sky is bright blue!
Stacey: He was speaking metaphorically.
Lauren: Yea? Well I haven’t seen blue sky in months, I don’t wana hear storm metaphors!
(Stacey suddenly grabs onto Lauren’s arm)
Lauren: What? What’s wrong?
Stacey: I know what’s coming and I need to brace myself.
wishful: (singsong voice) Here it co-omes! The scene we’ve all been waiting fo-or!
<Darien walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel.>
Jenn: (chokes on a Jordan Almond and melts to the chair) Do we have defibrillators nearby? I think my heart just stopped! <THUD>
Adel: HEL-lo! Man, my happy place went from serene to a hormone disco! <THUD>
Armi: (as Dot Warner) Helloooooooooo Nurse! <THUD>
Everyone: (fainting) <THUD>
Stacey: (slowly getting back up) Hey! Santa brought me my present early and I don’t even have to unwrap it!
<Our modest hero moves to the mirror where he spends a few moments checking himself out.>
Lauren: (slowly getting up) For cryin’ out loud, will you warn us the next time you decide to go shirtless?! (looking at Stacey) Why are you awake?
Stacey: Not enough room on your floor. (looking back at the screen and drooling) Well at least he has good taste!
Lauren: I bet he IS a good taste!
Stacey: (faints dead away) <THUD>
Lauren: (looking at everyone who are now unconscious, happy grins on their faces) Does this mean I get the last of the mudslides?
<Darien, rapping, “My name is Darien Fawkes, they call me Furious D, and I’m the coolest secret agent that you never did see!”>
Lauren: Wow...white men CAN rap! Someone call Coolio! ...(to the unconscious people on the floor) Hey guys, you wana revive and see this?
<Darien, still rapping, “The Man turned me invisible, now I be miserable, you mess with my hair and I’m bound to get physical!”>
Lauren: When Fun Bobby raps.
Stacey: (jumping up only to run to the TV) Did he say get physical?! ME FIRST!
(as Darien continues to rap, Lauren starts making back-beat noises and occasional record scratching sounds)
<Darien, still rapping, “Now I was locked down, and looking at life, four walls and a guy named Butch for a wife! When my brother under cover said that we could help each other if his mother of a brother would go under the knife!”>
Lauren: Every once in a while this show just has to remind us of the premise outside of the opening credits. (looking at the still unconscious IManiac’s around her) Yo, guys? He’s dressed! Come on!
<Darien, still rapping, “A hole in my head...”>
Lauren: They drilled the evil spirits out?
<Darien, still rapping, “...a gland in my brain, a needle in my vein or I go insane! That’s the curse of quicksilver the stuff that bends light...”>
Lauren: (to the unconscious fans on the floor) Don’t expect me to act this all out for you when you wake up...white oboes DON’T rap!
<Darien pauses by a small cage with a white rat inside.>
Stacey: (recovering) Well at least we know now that he did keep the rat!
Lauren: I wonder if that little sucker ate Darien’s bonsai tree.
Akai: (as DarienTheRat, muttering) Out of all the owners...all the possible owners in the world...
Neko: (as DarienTheRat) No! Stop! I hate rap music!
<Darien, rapping away, “...I get close to madness the more I...!” He’s cut off by Hobbes busting down the door with a loud *BANG!*>
Everyone: (startled awake by Hobbes’ entrance) AHH!!!
Lauren: So Hobbes was the storm Darien was talking about?
Jenn: (as Darien imitating Marsha Brady) My nose!
Adel: What happened?
Lauren: Darien came out of the shower in nothing but...
Stacey: (fainting again) <THUD>
Lauren: (grinning) Well now I know how to keep her from saying spoilers!
<Darien, “Hobbes, why don’t you...” he’s cut off again by Hobbes punching him.>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) How many times do I have to tell you that I HATE rap music!
Adel: (as Darien) Hey! Whoa! A simple ‘good morning’ would do you know!
Lauren: So Hobbes isn’t gonna let Darien finish ANY sentences?
Stacey: He’s just ticked off ‘cause he didn’t get to rap.
<Hobbes, grabbing Darien, “Let me see your eyes.”>
Adel: You shoulda been here earlier, Bobby. We got to see a WHOLE lot more!
(several IManic’s swoon and faint)
Adel: Oh dear...
Joyce: Easy Little Tiger...can you say Agent Brutality?
Lauren: (singing) He’s got Betty Davis eyes!
Stacey: (as guy from Deliverance) I’m gonna make you...
Lauren: (screaming) Dear God NO!!!!
White: (as Hobbes, with a French accent) They are so beautiful, your eyes...so deep, so soft...
<Hobbes pushes Darien through the Keeper’s lab door.>
Adel: Yes siree...Bobby is MIGHTY handy with those handcuffs! (she smiles quietly to herself, others give her strange looks)
<The camera pans to show Claire, Eberts, the Official, and a few other agents>
Adel: The gangs all here! Look, they even threw in a couple of extras to spruce the place up!
<Darien, “What happened?”>
Stacey: Well there’s this theory that a giant meteor collided with earth and...
Lauren: That’s not what he meant.
<Eberts, “Write your name.”
Claire, “Quarter full.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) But my name’s not ‘quarter full’!
(Stacey is pelted with pillows)
Img: (as Vince) Sorry, I don’t do autographs while working on the set.
<Eberts, “Write your name with this pen.”
Darien, “Why?”>
Stacey: (as Eberts) Because this is the only pen I have on me and I don’t want to use a pencil.
Lauren: Come on Darien, grab a hold of that sucker just in case you need to escape!
White: (as Darien) Let’s see...Y O U R N A...
KCM: This is beginning to sound like some preschooler’s worst nightmare.
<Darien, about writing his name, “I can’t!”>
Lauren: Hey Darien, you know Hooked on Phonics worked for me!
Stacey: Well, technically if you used your mouth you could...
Jenn: (as Darien) No wait, forget the handcuff keys, I need a challenge. Gimme the pen...
<Hobbes unlocks the handcuffs so Darien can write his name>
Adel: No no! Bobby, leave them on! No...aww..
(everyone is now looking at Adel VERY strangely)
Adel: (shrugs sheepishly) Sorry, I’m a handcuff fan. What?!
<Claire, “Take him to Lab 3 and clean him up please.”>
Akai: (as Claire) Oh, and be sure to use some of that Scrub-Free stuff I got. Or at least Windex.
<Darien, “Look, will you get the gun out of my face?”>
Joyce: Gee Darien, it looks like it’s pointed at the back of your neck.
Lauren: If he does one of those Linda Blair, head turning things from The Exorcist, I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Hobbes, “Write your name, you go see through and I shoot you!”>
Stacey: (as Darien) What happens if I duck?
Lauren: (as Hobbes) I guess then I shoot Claire or Eberts.
Stacey: (as Darien) Deal!
<Close-up of the note Darien wrote, “SCREW YOU!”>
Lauren: (offended) Hey! I was just joking about the Hooked on Phonics...
Joyce: He wasn’t writing to us!
Stacey: (as Darien) See? Told you my name wasn’t ‘quarter full’.
wishful: Woo-hoo Darien! Yeah! Screw all authority figures! (pause) Woops, had an anarchic moment there, don’t know what came over me.
<Eberts glares at Darien)
Stacey: (cheering) Mike gets to play hard ball!
Lauren: Wow...if looks could kill!
<Hobbes, “Smartass.”>
(Stacey grins at Lauren)
Lauren: Don’t you DARE say it!
<Claire, to Darien, “You were there.”>
Lauren: (as Claire) I know who you are, and I saw what you did!
<Hobbes, “Somebody got in here last night. Surprised the Official in his office.”>
Stacey: Funny, he didn’t act surprised.
<Hobbes, “And then beat him, within an inch of his life!”.
White: Good thing they weren’t using metric!
Akai: (as Hobbes) Then stole his prized Pikachu and Bulbasaur cards.
<Claire dumps some quicksilver onto a tray, “Quicksilver. When it dissolves it falls off your body like snowflakes.”>
Stacey: And no two are exactly the same.
Img: (singing) In the winter we can build a snowman...
<Claire, “It’s biodegradable and vanishes in 2 to 3 days.”>
Lauren: Figures Kevin would make an environmentally friendly synthetic material.
Stacey: Wait a second...if it vanishes how do they know it’s biodegradable? It could just be invisible!
<Darien, “That’s quicksilver?”>
wishful: What, you never notice it when it falls off you or something?
Stacey: He’s acting like he’s never seen it. Get it? SEEN it?
(Stacey is pelted with pillows)
<Darien realizes that he is the prime suspect.>
Adel: (starts humming the Bee Gee’s Jive Talkin’)
Joyce: Darien looks totally blown away. Where is the Darien Hug Squad when you need them?
<Hobbes, “It’s evidence, scattered all over the crime scene.”>
Stacey: Wait, why isn’t it invisible?
Lauren: Because then we’d have no plot point...don’t question Craig!
<Claire, “...and you haven’t had a shot of counteragent.”
Hobbes, “Maybe he stole it.”>
Lauren: And we all know how that went the last time Darien tried to steal counteragent...
Stacey: (as Darien) Besides, I don’t know how to dilute the stuff.
Lauren: Right sentiment, wrong eppy.
<Hobbes, “Why’d you do it?”>
Stacey: (as Darien) I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your...
Lauren: HEY!!
<Hobbes, “You see anyone else around here with 6-million dollar dandruff?”>
KCM: Well seeing as Bill Gates is unavailable, no.
Lauren: (as Darien) Only the guy with the 6-million dollar hair!
Stacey: Darien should know that you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
<Eberts, “It might have been someone else.”
Darien, “What do you mean might have been?”>
wishful: Possibly could have been maybe...you want any more?
<Eberts, “It might’ve been Simon Cole.”>
wishful: (hums a few bars of Beethoven’s 5th symphony) Dum dum dum dum!
Stacey: Any relation to Simon Says?
Lauren: How about Simple Simon?
<Darien, calling after Eberts, “Hey, hey hey hey...”>
Stacey: Uh oh, Darien’s stuck again.
<Darien, “What do you mean exactly when you say ‘the other invisible man’? Are you using some kind of metaphor?”>
Lauren: Nah, Mike’s just quoting the eppy name.
<Darien walks into the shot, then Claire joins him, then Hobbes.>
Lauren: (as director) It’s the clown car shot...anyone else wana squish in?
Stacey: It’s the Three Musketeers! All for one and...each man for himself.
<Eberts, “None of you were cleared to know.”>
KCM: Yea, Hobbes, you ought to know THIS drill by now!
<Darien, “Well guess what?”
Hobbes, “Now we are.”
Claire, “Spill it...”
Hobbes, “Eberts!”>
Img: (shivering) And I thought it was scary when the Official and Eberts did that!
Neko: It’s Pick On Eberts Day!
Joyce: Hey Eberts, that’ll teach you to volunteer information!
<Shot of Darien, Claire and Hobbes all looking at Eberts.>
Lauren: It’s Larry, Curly, and Moe!
Adel: Oooh! Peer pressure!
<Darien, “Errr! Wrong answer!”>
KCM: Darien would not make a very good Alex Trebeck.
<Hobbes, “We watch you finish the guys sentences, you gotta know how they start.”>
Stacey: Gary Burghoff as Mike McCafferty as Radar!
Lauren: Hey Stacey, does that...
Stacey: ...sound familiar? Nah...
<Eberts, “Simon Cole was the individual selected for the original I-Man experiment.”>
wishful: Hey, I thought only the fans called it I-Man!
<Darien, “Wait, what do you mean original experiment?”>
Lauren: Well it was turned into a movie with Claude Rains.
Stacey: (as Eberts) Primary, initial, introductory, first...
<We see the “book is closed” flashback sequence.>
Stacey: Looks like Eberts only owns one red and white striped tie.
<Hobbes, “I don’t remember being asked.”
Claire, “He said top members.”>
Armi: Ouch, harsh...
Lauren: People like Fox Mulder, Sam Gerard, Jack Ryan, Jack O’Neill...
<Hobbes, “So if you don’t know anything, what the Hell are we doing down here?”>
Lauren: It’s scenic.
Img: You’re going to go meet the Oracle.
Stacey: (as Mike) Beats me, I’m just glad to be in more than one scene!
<Eberts, “Darien, we have your prison record...”>
Lauren: Uh...the one that was wiped clean?
Stacey: Guess they’re saving the original just in case.
<Eberts, “These drawers are reserved for you...Robert.” Shot of a huge disorganized file.>
wishful: Oooh, he’s good. I love that line.
Jenn: (whistles) Hobbes has been busy!
Lauren: Look what happens when Radar is discharged! Klinger couldn’t file the alphabet!
Img: Looks like my place.
<Eberts hands a file to Darien.>
(Stacey grabs the remote from Lauren and hits the “slow” button)
Lauren: What the frell are you doing?
Stacey: I want to see if they wrote “Invisible Man” on the cover like they did with Darien’s.
<Darien, “He was CIA?”>
Stacey: Is that like CYA?”
wishful: Celestial Intervention Agency? Dang it, I’m doing it again...
<Darien, “Yale grad goes to the Pentagon, makes good.”>
Lauren: ‘Cause you have a lot of good to make up after going to Yale.
wishful: (singing) Local girl makes good weds famous man...
<Darien, “WB-6, what the Hell does that mean?”
Hobbes, “It means he was an assassin.”>
Neko: How does Hobbes know that?
Lauren: ‘Cause he’s Hobbes. (she grins)
wishful: I thought that made him the window cleaner.
Stacey: So...WD-40 would make you what, exactly?
Adel: I take it the genius who decided to graft a multi-million dollar gland to a convict’s brain is the same one that thought it would be a good idea to have an invisible PROFESSIONAL ASSASSIN!
<Darien, “Ivy Peterson.”>
Stacey: (singing) Poison Ivy...poison ivy, late at night while you’re sleepin’ poison ivy comes a-creepin’ around...
Akai: So this is who’s responsible for all those recasts.
<Hobbes, admiring Ivy’s picture, “Nice!”
Claire rolls her eyes at Hobbes.>
Lauren: (as Claire) Damn redheads....you know blondes have more fun!
<Darien, “My God they sure took enough surveillance photos.”>
Stacey: That’s because Hobbes was behind the camera.
Joyce: And all on the same day too judging by her clothes.
Adel: I bet her parents are SO proud that their little girl is dating a government killer.
<Note says, “You know what I want”>
Lauren: (singing) That’s what I wa-nt! That’s what I want!
Stacey: Redrum, redrum...
Lauren: And I saw what you did last summer.
Stacey: (singing) So tell me what you want, what you really really want!
Lauren: You know I may have to kill you now.
<Hobbes and Darien sit waiting at an outdoor cafe, silently sitting for a few seconds.>
Lauren: Man, this blind date sucks.
Stacey: (as Hobbes) You should’ve gotten a drink with an umbrella like me.
Lauren: (as Darien) I didn’t want a drink with an umbrella, I hate those things.
Stacey: (as Hobbes) C’mon Fawkes, they’re cool and trendy.
Lauren: (as Darien) I’ll just stick with my water, Mr Cool and Trendy.
<Shot of Ivy wearing huge sunglasses.>
Lauren: Is she trying to make up for the hole in the ozone layer?
<Darien stands up to shake Ivy’s hand, “Hi, how are ya, I’m...” she sits down ignoring him.>
Akai: Fun Bobby? Ed Tate? Jean Valjean? Well SOMEONE had to say it!
wishful: How rude!
Stacey: You know, so few men do that these days, you’d think she’d notice.
Lauren: I hate awkward moments.
Img: (as Darien) No hello? Maybe she knows Liz...
<Darien, “Ivy Peterson, right?”>
Stacey: (as Ivy) You were expecting maybe Elmer Fudd?
<Hobbes, “You’re late.”>
Stacey: (as Ivy) For a very important date, no time to say hello, goodbye!
Lauren: You can’t do that twice!
Stacey: I didn’t! I just continued it.
<Ivy, “Can I see some ID’s?”>
Stacey: (as Ivy) Preferably drivers license and two major credit cards.
Lauren: Are they questioning her or buying drinks from her?
<Hobbes flicks his ID open and shut with practiced ease. Darien has to look and fumble with his.>
Lauren: Darien’s still not used to being the one showing the badge.
<Ivy, “When government agents call and say they want to meet, you always do it in a public place in broad daylight.”>
Stacey: As opposed to narrow daylight.
Lauren: So that’s what Deep Throat and Mr. X were doing wrong!
Stacey: Meeting in broad daylight is easy when Darien’s around.
Joyce: How often does she do this? She’s got rules and everything...
<Ivy, “And you always check ID’s.”>
Neko: Sounds like Simon and Bobby had a lot in common.
<Ivy, “Are you gonna tell me where he is?”
Darien stares over his drink at her.>
Stacey: He looks like a cow caught in the glare of an oncoming train.
Lauren: At least he didn’t choke and have water come out of his nose.
<Ivy takes off her shades and is suddenly very friendly.>
Lauren: Wow...from poker face hard nose to giddy school girl in point-three seconds. A new record.
Stacey: Mata Hari she ain’t.
<Hobbes, “So what do you know?”>
Lauren: (as Ivy) Well I know E=MC2, the capital of France is Paris, the main reasons the Civil War broke out included...
Stacey: That’s not what he ment.
<Ivy, “I know he left last July, I know I haven’t heard from him since...”>
Lauren: Wow, must have been one kick-ass 4th of July party!
<Ivy, “Simon would never tell me classified information, I mean I’d ask, but he took secrets very seriously.”>
Lauren: He knew The Value Of Secrets.
Stacey: I think the Agency could take a few lessons.
Lauren: Oh, that’s wrong!
Stacey: What? Suddenly you’re denying it?
<Ivy, after looking all love struck and happy talking about Simon suddenly is serious, “Is he dead?”>
Lauren: WOW! Guess the bi-polar medication wore off! She changed the subject so fast I got dizzy!
Stacey: (singing) You’re making me dizzy my head is spinning...
<Hobbes gets up and grabs Darien’s arm.>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) Excuse me, I have to go and slap some sense into my idiot partner.
Akai: (as Ivy) If you’re leaving can I have the rest of your drinks?
<Hobbes, “This is about what she knows, you’re divulging what we know.”
Darien, “Hobbes, we don’t know anything.”
Hobbes, “She doesn’t know that!”>
Neko: She does now.
Stacey: You know?
Lauren: Oh we came SO close to an Impetus flashback...
Adel: Man, I get dizzy when they start talking like this.
<Darien, “OK please, you know you say this stuff, and you think it means something, but it’s really just a bunch of...”>
Lauren: (as the writer) Hey!
<The Ketchup bottle disappears.>
Adel: This must be...(dramatic pause) The Other Invisible Man!
KCM: Simon’s burger must need ketchup.
Lauren: Heinz paid a lot for that product placement...bet they’re pissed now.
Stacey: Appears that these writers have issues with ketchup bottles.
Jenn: Was that bottle even there before?
<Darien, “Aw crap.”>
Stacey: Uh...Heinz actually.
<Darien quicksilvers just his eyes, then puts on his sunglasses.>
Armi: Cool...freaky, but cool!
Stacey: (whistles) That gives a whole new meaning to black eyes!
Jenn: Oh he’s so dramatic about it too!
Joyce: Now that is what I call control...in a creepy kind of way...
<Shot of Cole, a glowing human figure.>
Lauren: Looks like one of those aliens from Cocoon!
Adel: (laughing) I’m having this mental image of Vince in his FX costume, dressed like a mutant Ronald McDonald escaped from Circe de Soleil, running down the street! (she collapses back into laugher)
<Hobbes, as Darien looks around, “Fawkes, Fawkes...Fawkes...”>
Stacey: Crap, now Hobbes’ record is stuck. Damn cheap garage sales!
<Ivy watches as Darien and Hobbes run off.>
Stacey: (as Ivy) That’s twice this week I’ve been stiffed with the bill! That’s it! No more meeting government agents!
<Shot of Simon running in traffic, appears to actually run through one car.>
Stacey: Wow, so being invisible gives you the ability to break the laws of the universe then?
Lauren: When did this become “Ghost”?
<Darien runs into traffic after Simon, Hobbes pulls him to safety.>
Img: (as Hobbes) You’re supposed to look both ways!
wishful: And I thought *I* had a death wish when it came to cars!
Jenn: He deserves a hug here...I think I’ll be busy this eppy.
Stacey: (as Hobbes) When I said “go play in traffic” I didn’t think you’d take me literally!
Lauren: I think that car was a Dodge!
(Stacey whacks Lauren)
<Hobbes, to Darien, “And I thought one of you was bad.”>
Stacey: (singing) Double your pleasure, double your fun...
Lauren: Oh I’m sure we’d be happy with more then one of Darien!
(everyone looks at Stacey, but she doesn’t faint)
Stacey: After the beginning, there is nothing that can get me!
Lauren: OK...I’d like more then one Darien...all in nothing but towels.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD!>
<Eberts is dusting off the F&G logo.>
Img: Spring cleaning?
White: (in movie announcer voice) Eberts...IRS agent, right-hand man, den mother.
Stacey: And Eberts is recast as Martha Stewart.
(Everyone shudders in revulsion)
<Darien, “Hey Eberts, I wana be assigned a sidearm.”>
Lauren: So...he doesn’t have a gun. And the guy from TDYK?
Stacey: Mis-informed.
Adel: Still no gun! Who is he, MacGyver?
Neko: He needs to learn how to use it first!
<Darien, “Hell yeah I’m scared, you didn’t see what I saw!”
Hobbes, “Nobody saw what you saw.”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) But at recess we can ride the see-saw.
(Lauren groans)
<Darien, “But I’m not blind, I can see.”>
Lauren: (singing) I once was lost, but now I’m found! Was blind, but now I see!
Stacey: That’s not till Beholder.
Lauren: Shhh!
<Darien, “I can see in higher spectrums of light.”>
Joyce: Not as handy as x-ray vision, but better than being blind.
<Darien, “And I think what’s happening is I can see the refraction of non-visible light off his quicksilver...”>
Lauren: Wow...did Darien take physics when we weren’t looking?
<Darien, continuing, “...which admittedly sounds like crap even as I say it.”>
wishful: That’s OK Darien. It’s sci-fi. Everything sounds like crap usually.
Armi: At least Darien has the “higher spectrums” theory...the HG Wells I-man was completely transparent, so the light should have gone straight through his corneas.
<Hobbes, “Fawkes, you’ve been dealing with plenty of psychos, freaks and weirdoes...”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Hobbes, this isn’t the X-Files.
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Well your last name sounds like Fox.
Everyone else: Let it go!
Lauren: (singing) Psychos and freaks and weirdoes OH MY!
<Hobbes, “...and you never wanted a piece before. Now you want a piece.”>
Stacey: Of gum?
Lauren: Of pie?
Akai: Of the Stock Market?
Stacey: Of advice?
Lauren: Not you too, Hobbes!
<Hobbes, about Darien, “He’s just ticked off ‘cause he’s a sequel!”>
Lauren: Fun Bobby II, after the experiment!
Stacey: Vincent Ventresca stars in “Darien Fawkes: The Agent Who Shagged Me”
wishful: Actually, considering how many times The Invisible Man has been remade, he’s not even a sequel...he’s waaaay further down the line than that!
<Eberts, “We don’t have an arms budget.”>
Adel: Yeah, all the money goes into Darien’s pretty little head.
<Shot of Darien sleeping with a hammer.>
Stacey: (singing) If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning...
Jenn: So not only does he talk to tools, but he sleeps with them like they were teddy bears?
Armi: Five bucks says there’s a large kitchen knife under the pillow.
Adel: Uh, Darien? Unless you foresee an invasion by the Shoemaker’s Elves, I don’t see how that hammer is going to help.
<Darien’s voice over, “They say that necessity is the mother of invention. And when necessity is survival she can be one mean mutha’.”>
Lauren: SHUT yo mouth!
Stacey: He’s just talkin’ ‘bout necessity.
Lauren: Then I can dig it!
<Shot of front door opening.>
Stacey: See now if he had ADT that would never have happened.
Lauren: You’d figure a former cat burglar would know the value of a good home security system.
<Someone breaks into Darien’s apartment, shot of DarienTheRat in his cage.>
Lauren: Now here’s where all that money Darien spent on a QSM guard rat will pay off!
Akai: (as DarienTheRat) Hey! Feed me! Feed me I say!
<As intruder slowly heads towards Darien there is another shot of the rat.>
Lauren: Go on DarienTheRat! Kill!! Kill!!!
<Alarm blares and Darien is startled awake, waving the hammer.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Football practice!!
wishful: Yeah, I have days where I wake up feeling like that too.
Stacey: (as Darien) I don’t wana go to school today, you can’t make me!
Adel: Bright eyed, bushy tailed, and ready to hang some pictures!
Lauren: You know I’d jump out of bed too if that was my alarm!
<Shot of a trolley car going by.>
Stacey: (singing) Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat!
Lauren: I thought we were in San Diego...
<Walking down the street, Darien reaches into his pocket, looking confused.>
Stacey: (as Darien) What’s this? Gum?
Lauren: (as Darien) The hell is that...if Hobbes left another gag spider in my jacket...
<Darien pulls a rat skeleton out of his pocket.>
Stacey: (screams) Oh the humanity!
Lauren: OK now I’ve had some strange things in my jacket pocket, but that takes the cake!
<Darien drops the skeleton, runs away and bursts into his apartment, going over to check out DarienTheRat.>
Img: (as Darien) Huh...guess I did feed him.
Jenn: See I would have dropped it, screamed, stepped on it a few times, THEN ran...
Lauren: Awww...
Stacey: He really does care about the rat.
Lauren: OK Claire...
<Darien