Tiresias Riffs
----------------
(As the tape of this weeks MiSTing eppy slowly rewinds in the VCR, a heated discussion is going on between the IManiac’s)
Lauren: So it’s five syllables?
Stacey: No no...only four!
Armi: And the ‘r’ is on the first?
Stacey: No the second!
Jenn: I thought the ‘r’ was silent.
Christy: No it’s the second ‘i’.
Stacey: Look, it’s Tiresias. Tie-REE-See-Us. Does that help?
Lauren: (trying) Trrr-EEEEE-see-ass.
Jenn: No no no...See-US!
Lauren: See us.
Stacey: Tie-REE-See-US.
Lauren: Tire-EEEE-Sea-eas....oh for crying out loud why couldn’t they just call it Crazy Psychic Guy!
Jenn: Oh look! The tape’s rewound!
Stacey: Finally! Someone press play!
(Lauren grabs the remote and a mudslide and presses PLAY)
-------------------------------------
Our Cast of Riffers:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): “Aw crap who spilled mudslide on my Strauss?”
Stacey (AKA R2): “Now did everyone catch up on their Greek Tragedy?”
Jenn (AKA QSM): “I like the smaller group here...more leg room!”
Christy (AKA Fawkes-Fox): “Hey! Who brought the donuts?”
Armi (AKA Armitage): “Shhh...it’s starting!”
And so the episode beings:
<Opening shot of police lights flashing on the cop car.>
Stacey: (dreamily) “Look at all the pretty lights!”
Lauren: (in a sing-song voice) “Car 54 where are yoooouuu?”
<Shot of young kid sitting inside the cop car.>
Stacey: “Man, the police force is hiring them younger and younger these days.”
<Kid in the cop car plays with action figures, making explosion noises and having one “fall” off the dashboard.>
Lauren: “Buzz! Woody! No!!!”
Jenn: “Oy! I hope this kid keeps his anger in check...or else he’ll end up a serial killer or something...”
<The Kid starts playing war, using his hands as guns.>
Stacey: “He reminds me of that kid from The Sixth Sense.”
Lauren: “If he says he sees dead people I am SO switching to Comedy Central!”
<Darien’s voice over, “A Scottish Philosopher named Belfer said that destiny is the scapegoat that we make responsible for our crimes.”>
Lauren: “Too bad Darien’s lawyer didn’t know that.”
Stacey: “Is that like the Twinkie defense?”
<Darien’s voice over, “This idea, known as Determinism, was best summed up by Doris Day with the words ‘Que Cera, Cera’.”>
Stacey and Lauren: (singing) “Whatever will be, will be! The future’s not ours to see...”
<Darien’s voice over, “But if it were between Doris and the Scottish dude...I’d party with her any day.”>
Lauren: “What, and pass up on some haggis and a round of caber tossing?”
Stacey: “Can I come too? I’ll bring the munchies!”
Lauren: “I’ll just munch on him.”
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Shot of a sign that reads “Benjamin Scarborough: Spiritual Consultant.”>
Lauren: “Is that like a financial consultant?”
Stacey: “I wonder if he knows Whoopie Goldberg.”
<Shot of Rebecca behind a table covered in burning candles and some other very strange, stuff.>
Lauren: “How come mystics always have homes decorated in the Say It With Candles style?”
Stacey: “Hey! They stole those props from the movie The Craft!” (yelling) “Someone get Josh Props on the phone! I want some answers!”
<Rebecca, “...tell me if Tyler is ever going to get out of the 6th grade.”>
Stacey: “Wait, that kid’s in 6th grade? What is he...Doogie Howser?”
<Rebecca, “And now they tell me he’s got that ADD.”>
Stacey: “Hey, it’s OK, so does Hobbes.”
Lauren: “Shhh! We’re not supposed to know about that yet!”
<Scarborough, “You’re a good woman, Rebecca, and a fine mother.”>
Stacey: “Uh...do you know she left her son outside in the car?”
Lauren: “Alone.”
Stacey: “At night.”
Lauren: “Alone!”
<As the man grabs the hair, there is a red candle with three wicks in the shot in a familiar shape.>
Lauren: “Hey! He’s got a Mickey Mouse candle!”
<Rebecca, after handing him the hair, “What is it?”>
Stacey: “A piece of your hair! You just gave it to him!”
Lauren: “Not too bright, is she?”
Stacey: “Think she’s related to Oman Tarik from Ralph?”
<Scarborough, “You keep a gun in the house, Rebecca?”>
Lauren: “Uh...she’s a cop. I’d think that’d be a big duh.”
Stacey: “Where else is she going to keep it?”
<Scarborough, “Do you love your family?”>
Lauren: “Is this a psychic or a therapist?”
Stacey: (as Rebecca) “No! I can’t take it anymore! I’m living a lie, I hate them! Hate them all!”
<Scarborough, “What I’m about to tell you might be pretty difficult to hear.”
Rebecca, “What is it?”>
Stacey: (as Scarborough) “I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body and my dream is to sing opera in fishnet stockings.”
Lauren: “Oh, so he’s Tim Curry.”
(everyone in the room shudders)
<Scarborough, “It’ll change everything.”>
Stacey: (as the Director) “OK, who called for the last minute script change without telling me?”
<Kid, “That took forever.”>
Lauren: (as kid) “I hit puberty while you were gone!”
<Kid, “What were you guys doing in there?”>
Stacey: “I don’t think he’s old enough to hear about stuff like that.”
Lauren: “I don’t think I’M old enough to hear about stuff like that!”
<Rebecca, “Just talking.”>
Stacey: (as Rebecca) “About how I’m going to go home and kill myself later, you know...the usual.”
Lauren: “I’m beginning to think we’ve seen these eppys too many times.”
<Rebecca throws the toy gun out of the car.>
Stacey: (as Kid) “Uh...Mom? That was my TOY!”
Lauren: “Was THAT the gun she kept in the house?”
<Rebecca gets up in the middle of the night, kisses husband and kid, and goes to the bathroom.>
Lauren: (as announcer) “Irritable bowl syndrome keeping you up at night?”
Stacey: “She’s only going to pee, what’s the big deal?”
Lauren: “Going to the store must be a 2-day affair.”
<Outside shot of the house, the bathroom light goes out.>
Lauren: “That was fast!”
Stacey: “Warp speed pee!”
<Sound of a shot is heard, the light flashes in the window, then the screen fades to snow as the credits roll.>
Lauren: “She shot the Scifi Channel transmitter!”
Jenn: “I don’t think that helps the family at all.”
Stacey: “Clean up, aisle five!”
Lauren: “Oh now that was just unnecessary!”
<Series of freaky shots of eyes and blurry houses, guns and Darien.>
Lauren: “Oh good, looks like the drugs just kicked in.”
Stacey: “But...I don’t think Darien took any drugs...”
Lauren: “No, my drugs. I just took some stuff for my jaw.” (she watches the freaky images some more) “Oh yea...”
Stacey: “I don’t know...this is more like when the Scifi channel messed up during that whole Chain Reaction thing...” (yelling) “Hey someone get Matt Greenberg on the phone!”
<Hobbes, “I got just the thing to calm you down...hot donuts! Hot donuts eh?”>
Jenn: (as Darien) “No, not the SPRINKLED ONES! Get away from me, AARGG!”
Lauren: “So Darien’s nightmare’s include Dunkin Donuts product placement?”
<The same creepy three-chord music continues to play.>
Stacey: “OK did the music director run out of notes?”
<Darien wakes suddenly, looking freaked.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “That is the LAST time I eat suicidal wings before going to sleep.”
<Darien checks out his eyes in the mirror, a little bonsai tree on his dresser.>
Stacey: (as Darien) “I knew I shouldn’t have left my contacts in while I went to bed!”
Lauren: “Man, not only is Darien’s apartment better then mine, he’s got a much cooler plant!” (she looks sadly at her little aloe plant)
<Shot of the GAO agent scribbling in a notebook.>
Lauren: “Hey, didn’t he go to Ridgemont High?”
Stacey: “I don’t know, I went to Cardinal Newman.”
<GAO agent, “You invested heavily in something called the QS2300 Project. What was that?”>
Lauren: “Sounds like a new kind of curling iron.”
Stacey: “Or hairdryer.”
Lauren: “Well ‘de fohn’ WAS involved.”
<The Official, about the quicksilver project, “That’s classified.”>
Stacey: “And yet pull out the file and it’s plastered all over the cover!”
<GAO agent, “I see.”>
Stacey: “...says the blind man.”
Lauren: “That’s not till Beholder.”
Stacey: “Shhh!!”
<GAO agent, “According to this you spent 9 million dollars last year on paper.”>
Lauren: “That’s nothing, the Pentagon spent 80-million on toilet seats.”
Stacey: “I spend more then that on hair care products alone.”
Lauren: “That’s a rain forest or two.”
<GAO agent, “What exactly does your agency do?”>
Stacey: (raises her hand) “I know this one! They handle cases other Agencies can’t, or won’t, or don’t. Right?”
Lauren: “That is SO the wrong episode!”
<Official, “Protect the liberty and well being of the American people.”>
Lauren: “So basically they fight for truth, justice and the American way.”
Stacey: “I think Eddie had a Lois and Clark moment there.”
<GAO agent, as Eberts shreds a few documents, “I need those!”>
Lauren: “You don’t even know what they are!”
<Eberts, “I’m sorry, force of habit.”>
Jenn: “I wonder if he shreds Hobbes’ paychecks by ‘accident’ as well.”
Stacey: (as Eberts) “I always shred top secret government files behind my back.”
<Official, “If there’s anything you need...anything at all...we can help.”>
Lauren: “So if your in trouble, and need help, and you can find them, call the I-man team.”
Stacey: (as GAO agent) “Actually I do need to use the little boy’s room.”
Lauren: “I need a date with Vince.”
Stacey: (faints) <THUD>
Jenn: “Why do you keep saying things like that? It only makes Stacey fall on the floor!”
Lauren: (grinning evilly) “I just think she’s got a great swan dive.”
<GAO Agent, “Do you do investigative work? P.I. stuff?”>
Stacey: (as Official) “Do I look like Columbo to you?”
<Official, “What is it? Videotapes? Photographs?”>
(Stacey goes to make a comment but is whacked by Lauren)
Lauren: “I know what you’re thinking! Get your mind out of my mind and out of the gutter!”
<Official, “Sit down, Mr. Quinn. We need to talk.”>
Lauren: “Wasn’t that the name of that kid on Sliders?”
<Shot of Keeper watching a white rat in a cage. There’s a hunk of fur missing on the rat.>
Lauren: “Damn that rat needs some Rogaine!”
<Darien enters the lab and is framed by the rat’s cage.>
Stacey: “I know why the caged bird sings.”
<Keeper, “What brings you here?”>
Stacey: (as Darien) “Well, my brother put this gland in my head but was killed before he could remove it and now this Agency is blackmailing me to work for them so I can stay sane...”
Lauren: “I don’t think that’s what she meant.”
<Darien, “What else? I need a shot.”>
Stacey: “Tequila shot?”
Lauren: “Jello shot?”
Both: “Can you be more specific?”
<Darien, “I’m having dreams about killing people.”
Keeper, “Just dreams.”>
Stacey: “I think Freud would argue that point.”
Lauren: “He’d have some interesting comments on the size of her needle!”
<Darien, “This thing they put in my head...I think it’s evil and...I think it’s trying to take over.”>
Lauren: (sounding spooky) “Who knows what evil lurks in the heads of thieves...”
Stacey: “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”
<Darien, “Would it be possible for you to look at me while we’re talking?”>
Stacey: (as Keeper) “Are you fully clothed?”
Lauren: (as Darien) “Yea.”
Stacey: (as Keeper) “Then no.”
<Keeper and Darien go through how the gland works, and how it causes quicksilver madness.
Darien, “Yea, well it also turned me into a walking time bomb.”>
Stacey: “I thought it turned him into a walking ID.”
Lauren: “Once again, wrong eppy.”
<Keeper, “Well if you get your shots of counteragent you won’t go off.”>
Lauren: (sighing) “OK, for those of you in the audience who didn’t get the premise of the show in the Pilot, or the 2 times it was explained in Catevari...or in this episodes opening credits, here’s explanation number five!”
<Keeper, “Your neurotransmitter levels aren’t high enough to require it.”
Darien, “You can’t tell that by looking at me. There’s no way!”>
Stacey: “Why not? Fogerty knew you had a gland in your brain just by looking at you!”
<Keeper, “It is my job to keep you safe.”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “So I’ve mutated my cornea’s to detect the presence of neurotransmitters.”
<Darien, “That’s a bunch of crap, you care about me like you care about that rat!”
Keeper, “And what makes you think I don’t care about the rat?”>
Stacey: “Because you’ve got it wired five ways from Sunday?”
Lauren: “Because you’re running more test on it then Chernobyl victims?”
Stacey: “Because you’re colder than...”
Everyone Else: “OK! We get the point!”
<Keeper, “I’m working on a monitor that will more precisely indicate when the counteragent is needed so it can be administered at the moment of optimum need.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, like when he’s killing Hobbes.”
Lauren: “You need to cut that out!”
<Keeper feeds the rat the neurotransmitter to cause the monitor to light up.>
Stacey: (as rat) “Yum, tastes like chicken!”
Lauren: “Aww...what a cute little live nightlight!”
Stacey: “Actually it looks like the eye from the Terminator!”
<Keeper is bitten by the lab rat, “Damnit!” she sucks on her finger.>
Jenn: “Oh that’s nasty! You’re a scientist! You should know that rats have germs!” (she gags)
Lauren: “Time for the rabbis shots!”
<Darien, “What’s his name?”
Keeper, “LR23.”>
Stacey: “NOW we know.”
Lauren: (as rat) “I am not a number, I’m an individual!”
<Darien, to the rat, “Hey, next time go for the eyes.”>
Lauren: (as DarienTheRat) “Give me a pen so I can break out of here and I’ll go for the jugular!”
<Shot of Hobbes listening outside the door.
Darien, “What are you doing?”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “I’m cleaning the glass with the side of my head. What does it LOOK like I’m doing genius?”
<Hobbes, “Fat Man is in there tap dancing with some GAO spook.”>
Lauren: “Oh now there is a mental image I didn’t need.”
<Official opens the door to find Hobbes listening in.>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “It’s not what you think, I threw my back out.”
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “I dropped a contact.”
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “I was admiring Fawkes’ shoes.”
<Official, “I’ve got a job for you two.”>
Stacey: (singing) “Working 9 to 5 ain’t no way to make a living!”
<Darien. “You need accountants call H&R Block.”>
Lauren: “Ka-ching! And Vincent’s taxes are all taken care of for a few years!”
Stacey: “First Dunkin Donuts, now H&R Block...there’s more corporate sponsors on this show then at the Super Bowl!”
<The Official, “Your skull got us into this, and you’re gonna get us out.”>
Lauren: “Well technically Kevin got them into this...”
Stacey: “Didn’t they pardon Darien so they COULD put the gland in his brain? Seems to me that they made their own beds on this one.”
<Darien, “Did he tell me to shut up?”>
Stacey: “At least he didn’t finish it with ‘go around the corner and throw up’!”
<GAO Agent, “My niece was the police.”>
Lauren: “She was the entire San Diego police department?”
Stacey: “Maybe her real name was Sybil.”
<Hobbes, “Who should we talk to?”>
Lauren: “You’re the detective, you figure it out!”
<Shot of the sky pans down to a house. While it’s sunny and beautiful, there are a few clouds in the sky.>
Lauren: (shocked) “LOOK! Clouds!!!”
Stacey: “This must be the one day a month it rains.”
<Husband, hugging a small pillow, “She wasn’t herself that day.”>
Lauren: (as husband) “Fortunately this pillow is just like her!”
<Husband, “It was like she was afraid of something.”
Kid, “It was the old man.”>
Stacey: “Who lived in a shoe?”
Lauren: “No no...that was the old woman.”
<Husband, “What old man?”
Kid, “The old man with the beard.”>
Stacey: “Oh THAT old man!”
Lauren: “Good thing he narrowed it down!”
<Kid, “The one who told her things.”
Darien, “What kind of things did he tell her?”
Kid, “Things you’re not supposed to know.”>
Lauren: (as Kid) “Who shot John Kennedy...what happened in Roswell...what Velvetta is made out of...”
<The van pulls up so there is a closeup of a huge rust spot.>
Lauren: (Australian) “Now you’ll be AMAZED as Rust-Be-Gone completely clears this spot up!”
<Darien and Hobbes walk up to the Daughter. Hobbes, “Hello”
Daughter, “Hi!”
There is an awkward pause.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Uh...we’re selling these fine leather jackets...”
<Daughter, “There’s a $25 donation.”>
Lauren: “Wow, that’s an hour lesson right there down the drain!”
<Close up of daughter sticking the needle in her shirt.>
Lauren: (coughing) “Plot point...*cough* Plot point!”
Stacey: “Can’t she just stick that in the thing she’s sewing?”
<Hobbes, “I got 17, what do you got?”
Darien, “I got 9.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “You’re buying lunch.”
<Hobbes signs his name on the guest book.>
Lauren: “Hobbes must have been a doctor...look at that signature, you can barely read it!”
<Darien disappears. The Daughter looks up from her sewing to see just Hobbes. Hobbes and the daughter smile at each other.>
Lauren: “Well isn’t this just a warm, fuzzy moment.”
Stacey: (as Daughter) “Hey hey HEY! It’s $25 PER PERSON pal!”
<Hobbes flings apart the red curtains to enter.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “Schzaam! I’m here!”
Stacey: “Lucy! I’m home!”
<Hobbes sits at the table, it’s empty except for one jar.>
Lauren: “Wait, where did all the candles go?”
Stacey: “Scarborough only uses them when telling people to kill themselves.”
Lauren: “Or the Resident Assistant busted him for having candles in his dorm room.”
<Hobbes, “So how does this work?”>
Stacey: “Well you say a line and then the other guy says a line, it’s called acting.”
Lauren: “I don’t think that’s what he meant.”
<Scarborough, “I’ll need a lock of your hair.”>
Lauren: “So Teddy Sevalis could never get a reading.”
Stacey: “Or Michael Jordan.”
Lauren: “Or Dr. Evil.”
<First good shot of Scarborough is shown.>
Lauren: “Willy Nelson!”
Stacey: “Holy Moly! It’s Moses!!”
<Hobbes, “Here, knock yourself out.”>
Lauren: (singing) “Hobbes said knock you out!”
<Scarborough, “She beat you till you sobbed, then forced you to wear your mother’s...”
Hobbes, grabbing hair, “Give me that!”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “Don’t you be talkin’ ‘bout my Momma!”
<Scarborough, “Wait a minute, I’m getting something else.”>
Lauren: (as Scarborough) “I’m picking up Green Day...Basket Case...oh I love this song.”
<Scarborough, “This boy is now a man.”>
Stacey: “That’s how things usually go.”
Lauren: “Unless you’re Ru Paul.”
<As Scarborough continues to talk it becomes obvious he’s describing Darien.>
Lauren: “So he needs a lock of hair...unless your invisible. Then he can just read the aura off the quicksilver?”
<Darien appears, looking freaked.>
Lauren: “Now if that look doesn’t say ‘aw crap’ then I don’t know what does!”
<Hobbes, “Did you hear him say something about a bio-synthetic invisibility gland? No!”>
Stacey: “Well considering he’s in the other room...”
Lauren: (as Scarborough, shouting from the other room) “Oh! So the evil inside you comes from a bio-synthetic...”
<Hobbes, “He said you have a little bit of evil in you. We all got that.”>
Stacey: (singing) “Devil inside...devil inside...every single one of us the devil inside...”
<Hobbes, “And what kid wasn’t forced to wear a dress?”>
Armi: “I didn’t. My folks wanted a boy, so...”
<Hobbes, to Daughter, “Must be tough telling him a joke...cause you know he’d...always know...the punchline...”
Daughter laughs weakly.>
Lauren: (as Daughter) “Listen pal, I’ve been doing this for years, I know all the jokes by now.”
<Darien shakes the Daughters hand while quicksilvering the guest book.>
Chirsty: “Hey Darien? Can you do that and sneak me one of Clare’s lab coats to use for my Halloween costume?
Lauren: “Uh...Halloween is over.”
Christy: “For next year then!”
<Hobbes, “It’s very nice...the...with the sewing and...the needles...and...it’s very nice...”>
Lauren: (as Jerry Lewis) “The SEWING and the thingee with the needles and the HEY!”
Stacey: (singing) “...a needle pulling thread. La, a note to follow Sol!”
Lauren: “You starting with the singing again?”
<Hobbes, about Darien stealing the guestbook, “Very nice.”
Darien, “Yea, you didn’t see that did ya?”
Hobbes, “No...”
Darien, “Two seconds ago.”>
Lauren: “Thank you for joining us on Mutual Admiration Society.”
<Hobbes appears eating a donut out of the box.>
Stacey: “Damn he’s got a whole box of donuts...how many can he and Darien eat?”
Lauren: “Well Darien’s got a little growing gland in his head...he’s eating for two now.”
Stacey: (jumping up and down) “I’m a chocolate covered Hobbes Honey!”
<Darien knocks the offered donut out of Hobbes’ hand.>
Stacey: (as Darien) “I said Krispy Kreme!”
<Hobbes, “What’s the matter with you?! It’s a donut!”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “That poor, defenseless little donut! What did it ever do to you?!”
<Hobbes, “Nightmares again? What was this one about?”>
Stacey: “Killer donuts apparently.”
<Frank DuPre, “That should’ve been my first clue that he was a nutbar.”>
Stacey: “What? You mean like a Pay Day or Baby Ruth?”
<Frank, “He says he never uses his gift for financial gain.”>
Lauren: “Well except for those $25 donations apparently.”
<Frank’s office is shown, there’s modern art and sculpture everywhere.>
Lauren: “This guy’s got more modern art then at a Cubist convention!”
<Frank, “One Day-Trader cracks and shoots up the office and suddenly we’re all a bunch of psycopaths!”>
Lauren: “That’s true...I mean how many Day-Traders go Postal?”
<Darien, “He told you to commit suicide?”>
Lauren: (singing) “...’cause suicide is painless...”
<Door opens and the Official and Eberts scramble to cover up the books.>
Lauren: (as Official) “Don’t read my journal!”
<The Official, “And you guys expect overtime?”>
Stacey: “So whats considered overtime for secret agents?”
Lauren: “If James Bond thinks you work too much.”
<Hobbes, “She saw a psychic the day she died, right? We dig around and we find out about this other guy who saw the same psychic, turns out the psychic told him to kill himself too.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, but do you know that I know that you know that I know that you know?”
Lauren: “Huh?”
<Eberts, about Frank being alive, “To bad.”
Everyone looks at him strangely.>
Lauren: (as Eberts) “The idiot told me to buy 100 shares of Firestone right before that whole tire fiasco...”
<Eberts, “I thought we had a serial killer...you always said that a serial killer was very sexy for the Agency.”>
Stacey: (singing) “I’m too sexy for this Agency, to sexy for this Agency, so sexy it hurts...”
<Hobbes, “Can a voice be a murder weapon?”>
Stacey: “It can if it’s Fran Drescher.”
Lauren: “My Jewish grandmother can make me want to kill myself by just talking to her...I’d say HELL YEA!”
<Eberts vanishes off screen and then reappears 15 seconds later with every piece of information they need.>
Stacey: “Damn! Can I get Eberts’ internet connection?”
Lauren: “Well, we know he’s definitely NOT using Windows!”
<Hobbes, to Darien, “Suddenly you’re Perry Mason?”>
Lauren: “Well he’s no Angela Landsbury.”
<Darien, “Looks like something’s rotten in Martin’s Grove.”>
Lauren: (sounding British) “Something’s rotten in the state of Martin’s Grove. Why, it’s the king!”
Stacey: “Don’t start quoting Hamlet...this is Greek tragedy, not Shakespeare!”
<Darien sits on the counter where the Keeper is working. There is a posterboard bug collection in the background.>
Lauren: (after sucking some helium, as the bugs in the background) “Help me! Help me!”
<Darien, “Hey, I just caught a serial killer today.”>
Lauren: “Dear God Scarborough killed Tony the Tiger!”
<Darien, “What have you done?”
Keeper, “Sequenced the DNA/RNA structures of the Latrodectus Mactans...”>
Lauren: “Bless you!”
<Keeper, “...written a paper on the paralyzing effects of the Dermis poison in the Australian dart frog...”>
Lauren: “Uh...why?”
Stacey: “That Australian reference was not lost on me. At least she stopped saying “mate”.”
<Keeper, “...and finished my Christmas shopping four months early.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, but can she rap backwards?”
Lauren: (as Darien) “Uh, now that all those important things are out of the way, you think you could do a little bit of research on getting this gland out of my head?”
Stacey: “You know it’s easy to finish your Christmas shopping that early when you have no one to shop for.”
Lauren: “Be nice...”
<Darien, “You don’t want me going Postal now, do you?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Or worse, going Day-Trader?”
<Keeper, holding up the chip, “Look, it’s nothing to be afraid of.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, not like it’s a donut or anything.”
<Keeper, “Look at the rat, he’s fine.”
Darien, “What do you mean he’s fine? He’s a walking Radio Shack!”>
Stacey: “Hey, you got questions, we got answers!”
<Darien, “Will you just gimmie a shot?”>
Stacey: (holds up a glass and a bottle) “How about a double? Two will get you three!”
<Darien, “Please tell me you used a different rat.”
Keeper, looking uncomfy, “I’m on a tight budget.”>
Jenn: “Poor little DarienTheRat, I hope he gets therapy for all he’s going through. Maybe he needs a HUG...no wait, it’s a rat...I’d probably crush him.”
<Darien, about the other rat, “What’s his name, EZ-286?”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “No, it’s THX-1138.”
<Shot of Keeper and Darien kneeling down by the rat cage...the desk it’s on is in a gently curved, wavy pattern.>
Lauren: “So she can’t go to the pet store and buy a few extra $2.00 white mice, but she can afford an ergonomic desk?”
<Darien, “You wana help me, gimmie a shot!”>
Stacey: “Sheesh, he’s really showing his Fun Bobby roots, isn’t he?”
<Darien is having bad dreams again.>
Lauren: “It’s deja vous all over again!”
<Darien wakes up suddenly, finding himself in the middle of strangling his feather pillow. Feathers are flying everywhere and are all over him.>
Lauren: (snickering) “He looks like he’s been tarred and feathered!”
Stacey: “Well that’s one less feathered pillow that will be stalking the streets at night.”
<Darien hits the phone to shut it off, and feathers fly everywhere.>
Lauren: “So that’s what happened to that falcon that was killed in Ralph!”
(everyone gives Lauren dirty looks)
<When the Daughter asks, Darien tells her why he’s gonna arrest Scarborough.>
Lauren: “You know if Dennis Franz had played Darien, he’d just slug the chick and get the psychic, no questions answered!”
<Darien opens the red curtain to walk in.>
Lauren: (as an announcer) “It’s the Tonight Show with our very special guest, Darien Fawkes!”
(everyone cheers)
<Scarborough, “I’ve been waiting for you.”>
Lauren: (as Scarborough) “It’s been a day or so, I’m kinda stuck to the chair now.”
<Darien, “Did you tell her to blow her brains out in the bathroom? Because that’s what she did.”
Scarborough looking upset.>
Stacey: (as Scarborough) “Dangit! I told her in the kitchen! The KITCHEN!”
<Darien, “You can’t be sure that was going to happen.”
Scarborough, “You can’t be sure it wasn’t.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Well you don’t know if you can’t be sure it wasn’t going to happen!”
Stacey: “Huh?”
<Scarborough, “Fate, it’s a stubborn thing.”>
Stacey: “Actually, grass stains are pretty suborn.”
Lauren: “Yeah, wine’s pretty hard to get out too.”
<Close-up of Scarborough’s face.>
Lauren: “He’s kinda like Santa Clause on acid.”
<Darien, “Your prophecies are a bunch of crap.”
Scarborough, “I think my clients would disagree.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, dead men tell no tales and all that good stuff.”
<Darien, “You are insane!”>
Stacey: (singing) “Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain!”
Lauren: (screaming) “NO! 80’s flashback!”
<Darien grabs Scarborough’s arm, “Come on Scarborough, start walking.”>
Lauren: (singing) “That crazy guy’s made for walking...and that’s just what he’ll do! One of these days that crazy guy’s gonna walk all over you! You ready crazy guy? Start walkin’!”
<Hobbes, standing on the steps to Scarborough’s house, “What’s wrong with you?”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “It’s a donut!”
Lauren: “Wrong scene.”
<Darien and Hobbes jump in Darien’s car and speed towards Frank DuPre’s house.>
Lauren: “Hey HEY! Seatbelts! Safety first!”
<Shot of the burning house.>
Stacey: (singing) “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!”
<Darien runs to the fridge and starts searching through it for the counteragent.>
Jenn: (as Darien) “I bet she hid it in...the yogurt!!”
Stacey: “Didn’t we just see this two eppys ago?”
Lauren: “Uh, Darien? May I remind you the last time you did this it didn’t end well?”
Stacey: “The Keeper’s gonna run out of tranquilizer darts at this rate.”
<Shot of the bars of the rat cage bent to DarienTheRat can escape.>
Lauren: “Wow...DarienTheRat was actually Mighty Mouse!”
<DarienTheRat has killed and is eating HobbesTheRat.>
Lauren: “DarienTheRat played by Rich from Survivor!”
Jenn: “Mmmm...tastes like chicken, eh?”
Stacey: “Oh now that’s just gross!”
<As Darien runs out of the Lab, the camera suddenly starts spinning around very quickly.>
(everyone get a bit nauseous)
Lauren: “They put the poor camera guy on the Tilt-A-Whirl!”
<Eberts, “We wish you’d learn how to knock.”>
Lauren: “Darien’s a thief...he’s used to entering doors without people knowing he’s coming.”
<Darien, “I’m gonna kill Hobbes.”>
Jenn: (as Darien) “Yea, if he even mentions a sprinkled donut I’m gonna wring his neck!”
<Eberts, “Oh no. What did he do this time?”>
Lauren: (as Darien, suddenly interested) “Hey...what did he do last time?”
<Official, “A partnership is like a marriage.”>
Lauren: (from The Princess Bride) “Mawage! Mawage is what bwing pawtners togetha’, today!”
Stacey: “You sound like Barbara Walters.”
<Darien, “The deal was you were going to keep me sane. Do you remember?”
Official, “Yea. Do your job, that’s the deal.”>
Lauren: “Uh, he DID the job...they got Scarborough! What more can he do?”
Stacey: “Eberts is just insistent that they finish the paperwork before he can get a shot.”
<Official, “So quit whining, finish the job.”>
Stacey: “So Darien is loosing his mind and the Official just tells him to stop whining?”
Lauren: (as Official) “Unless you’d like to spend some more time back in the padded cell...”
Stacey: (as Darien) “You know one of these days I’m gonna blow up that room just so you stop threatening me with it!”
<Darien, “OK, but after this I am gone, you hear me?”>
Stacey: (rummaging through some papers) “Actually Vince, it says here in your contract that you’re stuck here for at least another several seasons.”
Lauren: “Doesn’t sound like ‘stuck’ to me! I’d love to have a gig for several seasons...”
<Shot of Frank DuPre’s burnt out house.>
Lauren: (in a deep voice) “San Diego, after the Apocalypse.”
<Investigator, “It’s too early to tell what happened for sure.”>
Stacey: “Uh...there was a really big fire. Does that help?”
<Hobbes bends down to pick up his card and finds the needle in the ashes.>
(everyone groans)
Lauren: “OK, I will only accept riffs here that are more then ‘needle in a haystack’ references!”
Stacey: “Wow! He really DOES have bionic eyes!”
<Darien parts the red curtains to see Scarborough.>
Lauren: (as Ed Sullivian) “Tonight, right here in our studio, this kid is amazing...the Invisible Man!”
<Shot of Darien sitting across from Scarborough, both just looking at each other.>
Lauren: “Once they finish this staring contest they’re gonna arm wrestle.”
<Darien, “Who are you?”
Scarborough, “Who do you think I am?”>
Lauren: “A member of ZZ Top?”
Stacey: (as Scarborough) “I am Moses, the years have not been good to me.”
<Scarborough, “There was another crazy man, his name was Noah. Watched all of humanity perish in a great flood. How guilty was he?”>
Lauren: “OK wait a second...Noah didn’t tell people to jump in the ocean to save their family!!”
<Scarborough, “Then why are you even talking to me?”>
Stacey: (as Vince) “Because it’s in the script. Left to me, I’d rather be w