MiSTing The Devil You Know
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(Somewhere deep in the snow in Central NY, a group of friends have once again gathered to watch their favorite show)
Armi: I’m telling you, it’s Barney!
Jenn: Well Barney is scary, but I personally think the Freddie Kruger is more terrifying.
Sage: No no no! The crowd at a theater showing of Blair Witch Project.
Spazz: Because the movie is so scary?
Sage: No, because the bumpy camera makes everyone throw up.
Everyone: Eeewww....
Stacey: (walking in with some mudslides) Hey, what’cha all talking about?
Lauren: Oh, we’re trying to decide what’s the scariest Room 101 we can think of.
Stacey: Oh that’s easy.
Neko: What?
Stacey: (in a soft, spooky voice) No more IMan.
Everyone: AAARRRGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Lauren faints in fear, hitting the remote and pressing PLAY...)
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Our cast of Riffers:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): No IMan?!
Stacey (AKA R2): What will I do Fridays?
Jenn (AKA QSM): It’s on Monday now.
Armi (AKA Armitage): What will I do Mondays?!
Spazz (AKA InvizibleSpazz): Who am I?!?! (faints again) <THUD>
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): No Darien!
Sage (AKA sage26): No Hobbes!
Neko (AKA NekoSama): No Eberts OR Official!
Joyce (AKA Invisible Mom): No anybody!
Gina (AKA GinaS): Who will we drool over?
And so the show begins...
Everyone: AAAHHHHHH!!!
Lauren: Guys...calm down, it was just a
theoretical...
Everyone: Oh.
<Man, to person with hand on book, “Do you swear to that?”>
Gina: (as guy with hand on book) Uh, OK...f&$% you and your book!
Lauren: Wow...
<A man places his hand on a book, “I do.”>
Lauren: I now pronounce you Man and Dictionary.
<The book opens to show a box of cigars. The box is passed around, everyone taking a cigar.>
Stacey: (choking on a mudslide) So many Clinton jokes come to mind!
Lauren: You mention one and I’m kicking you out!
<As the cigars are passed around there is a shot out of the window of the high-rise, a skyline with clouds.>
Stacey: Well it took a few eppys, but we’re finally seeing clouds.
Lauren: That’s because Darien isn’t here.
<Price, “By tomorrow night we’ll all be multi-millionaires!”>
Stacey: (singing) ...and his wife! The movie star, the Professor and Mary Ann...
Lauren: And the rest?
<Darien’s voice over, “F. Scott Fitzgerald once said to Ernest Hemingway...”>
Stacey: (as Fitzgerald) What kind of nickname is ‘Papa’?
Lauren: Sure beats ‘Little Prick’
<Darien’s voice over, “Which brings me to a personal favorite of mine, Willy Sutton, who said, ‘The reason I rob banks is ‘cause that’s where the money is’.”>
Akai: Three cheers for Darien, who has just taken his place besides Claire as the King of Understatements!
Stacey: Brilliant
Lauren: Genius
Stacey: Hey, we sound like Bobby and Darien.
Lauren: Scary.
<Price, “If GlobalArk stock closes at half what the analysts’ are predicting, we’ll all be buying Lear Jets!”
Everyone laughs.>
Lauren: (as executive) Forget a Lear Jet...I’m buying Lear!
<Shot of a bald man sitting at the table, taking a cigar. He’s wearing a sweater and undershirt instead of business suit.>
Gina: See what happens when you move away from home and your mom isn’t there to dress you anymore?
Stacey: Hey! A young Teddy Savalis!
Lauren: And he’s wearing Darien’s sweater from “Ralph!”
Stacey: (yelling) I want to talk to someone in wardrobe!
<Two men shooting guns come crashing through the windows.>
Gina: Someone should have warned the window washers that the glass on this floor is delicate.
Stacey: (groaning) And suddenly we’re watching ‘Die Hard’!
Lauren: If Bruce Willis shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
Jenn: I don’t know, I thought it was the A-Team!
<Woman tries to open the doors, Price pulls her back. Smoke from a cigar rises off screen below.>
Gina: (as Price) No one’s paying attention...good time for a grope.
Armi: Lisa Lobe and Adam Ant?
Akai: (as Price) Just because I kept you from escaping doesn’t mean you have to press your cigar into my suit!
<Shot of a man desperately punching numbers on a phone.>
Stacey: (as the man) Quick! What’s the number for 911?
<Kidnapper, “You are all in a very bad situation right now.”>
Akai: And now this fellow joins as the Duke of Understatements.
Gina: (as board members) Ha! We’re not the ones wearing those ridiculous outfits!
Stacey: (snorting) No kidding! Have you SEEN the size of Lauren’s apartment?!
(Lauren whacks Stacey with her pillow)
Armi: (as Kidnapper) This room is full of asbestos!
<Kidnapper, “But everyone stays calm and you’ll have a great bedtime story for the kids.”>
Lauren: If you want to scare the crap out of them! They’ll need therapy after that story!
Stacey: And you can top it off by singing Freddie Krueger’s lullaby!
Both: 1,2 Freddy’s coming for you... 3,4 better lock your door...
<Price, “What do you want?”>
Gina: He’s turned into Morden!...oops...wrong show.
Sage: I want Taco Bell!
<Kidnapper, to Price, “We want you.”>
Armi: Wow, Army recruiting is really in your face now!
Stacey: To give blood?
Lauren: To be all that I can be?
Both: Can you be a bit more specific?
<Kidnapper throws a uniform at Price.>
Lauren: (as Kidnapper) We hear you have great kidnapper potential. Join us and we will kidnap the world!
Gina: (as Price) You can’t possibly expect me to put this garish thing on!
<Price is standing on the window ledge holding tightly to the other Kidnapper.>
Gina: (as Price) Can’t we just go bungi jumping like normal people?
<Kidnapper, “From what I understand, Mr. Price made ya’ll millionaires.”>
Akai: Ah, a southerner.
Stacey: (singing) This is a story ‘bout a man named Price, wealthy techie geek had to fake his own demise...
<Kidnapper, “Now’s your chance to show him how much you appreciate all he’s done for you.”>
Stacey: When you care enough to send the very best.
<Kidnapper, “I’d keep this to myself if I were you.”>
Sage: Yeah, under the chuppa, gotcha!
<Kidnapper, “It’s not going to help your IPO if it gets out that your CEO was just kidnapped.”>
Gina: Or that he likes REO Speedwagon.
Lauren: (as Kidnapper) So RSVP us the money ASAP, and if you call the CIA, FBI, or the NSA we’ll KYA, FYI!
<The Kidnappers and Price start down the building, everyone crowds around the window to watch them leave.>
Stacey: (as a board member) Hey, while you’re down there could you clean that spot? Our window washer missed it! No? OK thanks anyway!
Lauren: (as Kidnapper) GERENIMO!!
Stacey: (as other Kidnapper) Gary, stop that!
Gina: You know, taking the elevator wouldn’t be any more conspicuous than scaling down the building in broad daylight.
<As Kidnappers throw Price into the truck, some really groovy music plays.>
Lauren: John Coltrain, for the perfect getaway music.
Akai: Wait...is that the Agency’s van? With a paint job? Man, I knew that Hobbes was complaining about not enough pay...
<The van turns left from the far right lane during their escape.>
Gina: OK kidnapping is one thing, but committing moving violations is just plain wrong!
<Opening credits start, Darien in voice over, “There once was a story about a man who could turn invisible.”>
Lauren: “But this is about a GlobalArk hostile takeover.”
<Price appears on the screen, pictured upside down.>
(everyone in the room turns their heads to look upside down)
Gina: This is what a chin puppet looks like before applying makeup and a face covering.
<Picture rights itself.>
(everyone sits up straight)
Lauren: (rubbing behind her head) Hey, that really helped my neck!
<Official, “Five years ago, Lewis Price dropped out of MIT and started playing with computer chips in his parents garage.”>
Lauren: Of course his Dad, Bill Gates, encouraged him.
Gina: At least that’s what he told his parents he was playing with.
<Hobbes, “Where do we plug in?”>
Stacey: (as Official) There’s an outlet against the far wall over there.
Lauren: When did Hobbes go Cyborg? Did I miss an eppy?
<Official, “Price was kidnapped yesterday. His captors are demanding five million dollars from each of GlobalArk’s twelve member board.”>
Sage: (counting) Uh...you guys wanna tell him there’s only nine up there, or me?
Stacey: This sounds like the set up to a verbal math problem.
Lauren: You can get your CEO back if The Price Is Right!
<Darien, “They gonna pony up?”>
Gina: They think they may go for a compromise and just puppy up instead.
<Official, “He just happened to have a GPS locator on him when he was abducted. Lots of wealthy people are using them now.”>
Gina: Oh sure, one wealthy person gets something and suddenly all the other wealthy people have to have one.
Joyce: How convenient! And how stupid of the kidnappers not to search him for it since lots of rich people are using them now.
<Slide of the GPS locators in “six fashion colors” is shown.>
Armi: Hey, aren’t those the iMac colors?
Sage: (as Darien) Ohh! I want the purple one!
<Official, “The Justice Department called us in too.”
Darien, “Why?”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) Fawkes, does the term ‘need to know’ ring ANY bells?
<Darien, “Hey wait...they don’t know about me, do they?”>
Joyce: Wouldn’t bet the farm.
Lauren: (singing, as Darien) If they could see me now I’d be right at the top!
Sage: No, it’s not something they need to know, cause if they needed to know then they’d know.
<Official, “No. No and they’re not gonna find out!”>
Stacey: They will after Darien blows up that house and gets the Official fired.
Lauren: (glaring at Stacey) Do NOT make me get the duct tape!
<Official, “You’re going into a dangerous situation and I want to make sure your covered.”>
Stacey: (raising her hand) May I suggest a nice terry cloth towel?
Lauren: (as Darien) So the Catevari...that sniper guy...the serial killer psychic...Gloria...none of that was dangerous?
<Hobbes, “What about my coverage?”>
Lauren: About five feet.
Gina: Is that New York speak for a blanket?
Stacey: (jumping up) What would you prefer? Hugs or kisses?
(everyone throws their pillows at Stacey)
<Darien, “Wait a minute, this isn’t for me, it’s for the gland!”>
Gina: Don’t you hate it when your Christmas gifts get mixed up?
<Darien, reading the insurance policy, “If Darien Fawkes, hereafter known as The Receptacle...”>
Neko: They make him sound like a trash can!
Stacey: (to the tune of “Physical”) He’s the receptacle, ‘ceptacle, he’s just a receptacle...
Lauren: And what a fine looking receptacle he is!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Armi: I can think of better things to call Darien. Charming, sweet, extremely kawaii...
Gina: (as Darien, rapping) My name is receptacle, they call me furious R and I’m the coolest secret agent you must find with sonar!
<Darien, still reading, “...becomes physically or mentally infirm, Beneficiary agrees to mitigate loss by harvesting...” he pauses.>
Stacey: Wheat?
Lauren: Barley?
Stacey: Hops?
Lauren: Wait, is Darien a receptacle or an ingredient for beer?
<Darien, finishing, “...gland.”>
Stacey: So much for retirement.
Lauren: (as Darien) Oh, so now it’s not the rubber room you’ll threaten me with, it’s gland harvesting!
<Darien, “That would kill me.”>
Stacey: No more I-Man?!(she faints) <THUD>
Armi: Why do you keep inviting her?
Lauren: She’s good for laughs.
Jenn: Poor Darien. He gets beat up more than the gland, he could use insurance...and a HUG!!!
<Official, “So you’re not going to sign it?”>
Neko: (as Darien) Sure, I always wanted to sign my own death warrant!
<Darien, “If it gets coverage, I get coverage.”>
Gina: Come on Darien, everything can’t be even-steven all the time. You have a nifty orange shirt and you don’t hear the gland demanding one for itself.
Lauren: (muttering) The gland knows better.
(everyone throws their pillows at Lauren)
<Official, “Well we don’t have time to quibble about this now, you’ve got a job to do.”>
Lauren: (as the Official, under his breath) I’ll just get Eberts to forge your signature later.
<Darien, “If I die, the gland dies with me.”>
Stacey: One for all and all for one, eh?
Lauren: The one and a half Musketeer!
<Darien, “I’ll have you know I’m not just a receptacle.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
Armi: Yeah, he’s a registered Bishonen too.
<The scene ends.>
Joyce: Wait...where was Eberts?!
Everyone: MIKE?!?!?
<Darien, Hobbes and The Official appear in...fashionable attire on the beach.>
(Lauren starts shaking)
Stacey: Lauren, don’t...OK? Just don’t! We know how you feel about the clothes...
Lauren: (strained, snickering) I don’t know where to start!
Joyce: But Darien’s in SHORTS! WOO HOO!!
<Hobbes, to Darien, “Hey, Junior!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) My name is Indiana!
Stacey: (as Hobbes) We named the rat Indiana.
Gina: “Junior” the movie recast with Darien and Hobbes playing the unlikely twins!
<Darien, “What’s up?”>
Stacey: You mean besides my heartrate at the sight of your nekkid legs?
Lauren: (yelling) Someone get me some water to throw on her!
<Hobbes, grabbing Darien, “Hey, don’t look!>
Sage: Avert thine eyes my son! Look not upon the unholy yellowness of the house!
<Hobbes, to Darien, “Are you trying to compromise our mission?”>
Lauren: (after a pause) No, he’s trying to advertise for Pepsi...look at the logo on that shirt...
Stacey: (warningly) Lauren...
Lauren: (Now unable to contain herself) And I think the Official’s shirt came from my grandma’s quilt!
Stacey: Lauren!
Lauren: But...
(everyone throws their pillows at Lauren)
<Official, “The house where they’re holding Price is the yellow one straight back there.”
Two yellow homes are shown.>
Stacey: Uh...is this a trick question?
Lauren: One house, two house, yellow house...uh...yellow house!
<Hobbes turns around just as a volleyball is thrown at him, he catches it.>
Stacey: Whoa! Think fast, Hobbes!
Lauren: Maybe Hobbes was a ninja too?
<A man wearing shades appears.>
Stacey: Good Lord! It’s Justin Callum!
Lauren: Then we’re watching the wrong eppy!
<Lawson, “Hey guys, thanks for coming. FBI’s been sitting on their thumbs all day.”>
Gina: I hope they were sitting on their own thumbs and not each other’s.
Everyone: Eeewww....
<Official, “This is Luke Lawson, inter-agency liaison.”>
Gina: Is that a fancy title for ‘government gigolo’?
<As the scene goes on, they all play catch with the volleyball.>
Spazz: (as Lawson) Hey! Catch!
Gina: It’s the adult version of the popular party game “hot potato”...whoever is holding the ball when the conversation stops loses.
<Lawson, “Well they can’t fully asses the situation till they send someone in the house, and they can’t send someone in the house till they fully asses the situation.”>
Lauren: Wow...anyone else dizzy?
Stacey: Ah, God’s country. Located quite snugly between a rock and a hard place.
<Lawson, “Chain of command is so long they’re choking on it.”>
Stacey: You know what they say, give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself.
<Official, about Darien, “He can get in and out without anybody knowing he was there!”>
Lauren: So he’s Buchannen in the Presidential race.
<Darien, “Oh yeah, when I want I’m practically invisible.”>
Lauren: (making trumpet noises) Waa waa waa WAAA!!
Stacey: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s winner for the most smart-ass comeback...Darien Fawkes!
(everyone applauds)
<Darien rolls the ball off the back of his hand and catches it.>
Gina: Notice the fancy move and the red, white and blue outfit...he’s practicing for a spot on the Harlem Globetrotters isn’t he?!
<Darien, kicking the volleyball to the FBI guys, “A little help please!”>
Lauren: Well then why did you kick it to them in the first place?!
Jenn: I’d laugh if that hit one of the FBI guys in the head!
Sage: Help is on the way! Here I come to save the day!
<FBI guy, about the Official, “What’s he doing here?”>
Stacey: (as Matt Greenberg) I hired him to play the Official. Loved him in Lois and Clark.
Lauren: I don’t think that’s what he meant.
<FBI guy, “I don’t mean any disrespect but are you insane?”>
Lauren: (as Official) I’m not...but I’ve got one agent who’s paranoid and if you give us 30 minutes I can have the other completely nuts.
<FBI guy, “Too dangerous.”>
Stacey: (As Official imitating Austin Powers) Danger is my middle name!
Lauren: (British) Let me face the peril!
<FBI guy, “If they figure they’re being watched this kidnapping will turn into a standoff.”>
Stacey: Not before Darien blows up that house.
Lauren: What is with you and the spoilers!!
<Official, “All they have to do to figure out they’re being watched is to look outside and see those snow white volleyball players.”>
Stacey: If those Seven Dwarves show up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
Lauren: (as Official) One poisoned apple and we’re all dead!
Stacey: (singing) Hi ho, hi ho, it’s to the beach I go...
<Lawson, “You FBI guys had the chance to play and you dropped the ball.”>
Stacey: (as Official) But just because you dropped the ball doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be a second half.
Lauren: Wrong eppy.
<Lawson, “Send in your man.”>
Lauren: Send in the clowns!
Stacey: (singing) Stand by your man!
Lauren: He said ‘send’
Stacey: Well he said ‘man’!
<Hobbes, “You know man...if that gland was in my head...”
Darien, “Oh yea, what would you do?”
Hobbes, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do!”>
Lauren: Great, one quicksilver mad paranoid agent coming right up!
<Darien, “Think about this Hobbes...I’m working for a guy who won’t even tell me his name.”>
Stacey: What’s a name, really?
Lauren: (British) My name is Slarty Bardfast!
Stacey: (British) Slarty Bardfast?
Lauren: (British) I said it wasn’t important.
<Official, “This is our chance to shove it to those smug FBI bastards.”>
Lauren: You know, I’m sensing some tension between the Agency and the FBI.
Stacey: Really?
<Darien, “You doing this to showboat or to rescue Price?”>
Stacey: (as Official) To showboat of course! You should see me dance the Merengue!
Lauren: (singing) Tote dat barge! Lift dat bale! Get a little drunk an’ ya land in jail! I gets weary an’ sick of tryin’ I’m tired of livin’ an’ scared of dyin’!
<Official, “To rescue Price, of course.”>
Armi: (as Official) The show boating just happens to be a fringe benefit.
<Darien, “If I’m gonna risk my butt to get you a gold star...”>
Gina: Does he mean those little gold stars grade school teachers stick on your forehead? Call me crazy, but I don’t think his butt is worth the risk.
<Darien, “...the least you could do is tell me your name.”
Official, “Of course, all you had to do was ask.”>
Lauren: Wow, now I see why he goes by The Official.
Stacey: So is that hyphenated? All-You-Had-To-Do...
<Darien, “So what is it?”>
Gina: ‘It’...pronoun...the animal or thing previously mentioned or under discussion...but that’s not important right now.
<Hobbes helps Darien put in the earpieace.>
Gina: (as Hobbes) That’s a lot of earwax you’ve got in there my friend.
<Darien quicksilvers out in the open.>
Stacey: Uh...they don’t take this Top Secret thing very seriously, do they?
<QSVision as Darien heads for the house.>
Armi: And nobody sees the footprints suddenly appearing or the little sand he HAS to be kicking up as he walks?
<Hobbes and the Official watch Darien through binoculars.>
Sage: Is it just me, or do they look like peeping toms?
<Shot of Darien heading towards the house in the goggle vision. He’s bright green.>
Lauren: Look, it’s the Jolly Green Giant!
Stacey: (deep voice) Ho Ho Ho!
<Darien parts those beaded hanging thingees and pears into the kitchen.>
Gina: Uh...Darien? The goal is to go through this operation undetected.
Stacey: So, he’s going to go see the Oracle now?
Lauren: Huh?
Stacey: Sorry. Matrix flashback.
<Kidnapper, “See, there’s no one there...just the wind...”>
Sage: Yeah, they always say that right before some psycho comes and chops their heads off.
Lauren: (singing) The curtains my friend, are blowing in the wind...
Armi: (as the other Kidnapper) But wasn’t the window CLOSED a minute ago?
<Darien looks through the round window on the door.>
Gina: What kind of kinky exhibitionist has a window on the bedroom door?
<Close up of the light switch.>
Armi: This can’t be good...
Neko: Why would he do this? It’s not like he needs it to see!
<Darien flicks a light switch...the house explodes.>
Lauren: I hate it when I accidentally flick the Blow Up House switch instead of the bathroom light!
Stacey: You know, if you have a switch in your house capable of doing that, it should at LEAST come with a warning!
<Hobbes, into the mic, “Fawkes answer me right now!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) I’m a bit busy being blown up at the moment!
<Darien comes flying out of the exploding house, landing hard in the sand.>
Gina: (as Darien) This ain’t no Disney Land ride!
Jenn: (as Darien) Wheee! I can FLY!
Stacey: (as Darien) Look ma! No hands!
Lauren: Well they say any landing you can walk away from is a good landing...uh...give Darien a minute...
Armi: (wincing) That’s gonna leave a mark.
<Hobbes, “I can’t believe this!”>
Sage: (as Hobbes) I can’t believe it’s not butter!
<FBI agents appear, all with large guns.>
Lauren: So...they were hiding those guns...where?
Stacey: Mr. FBI man, is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Gina: (as the FBI) Look at my gun, it’s cooler than his...no way mine is more powerful...well mine makes a louder sound than all of yours...yeah, but you hold it like a girly-man...
<Darien coughs and manages to roll onto his back, half covered with sand and not looking happy.>
Akai: (as Darien) Aw man...my hair...
<Darien looks up to see he’s surrounded by half a dozen men pointing guns at him.>
Lauren: Did you ever have one of those days when you just shouldn’t wake up from being thrown out of an exploding building?
<Lawson, “I thought you said you could get him in and out of there without anyone noticing?”>
Stacey: (as Official) Hey, one out of two ain’t bad!
Lauren: Yeah, what about an ‘A’ for effort, pal?
Gina: (as Official) You never mentioned that explosions were a no no!
<Darien looks at the burning building, distraught.>
Lauren: Ouch...if that face doesn’t twist your gut...
<Darien, “Well, I just caused the death’s of three people, not the best way to start your day.”>
Stacey: Man, I hate mondays.
<Darien, “I flicked a switch and the place went boom.”>
Gina: Sounds like the title for a country western song.
<Claire, “You were doing your job.”>
Stacey: So...Darien’s job is to cause the death of innocent people?
<Claire starts prepping Darien’s left arm for the shot.>
Armi: She switched arms? Wow, she MUST be worried or something...
<Hobbes, “So you think the place was rigged to blow?”>
Neko: Looks that way.
Stacey: You know of other homes that come equipped with exploding switches?
<Darien, “No, why would they want to kill themselves?”>
Neko: OK, so then why did it blow exactly when you flicked the switch?
<Darien, “They had Price tied to a water heater, the only thing I can figure is that he must’ve ruptured a gas line trying to escape.”>
Lauren: Funny, from what I saw Price looked unconscious.
Stacey: The Great Escape, starring Louis Price as Steve McQueen.
<Darien, “So I didn’t kill three people, I saved one.”
Claire, “Exactly, you have to look at the positive.”>
Lauren: (singing) Always look on the bright side of life!
<Darien, “From now on the glass is half full.”>
Stacey: Every cloud has a silver lining.
Lauren: Try to look for the good in every bad thing.
Stacey: Turn that frown upside down.
Everyone else: We get it!
<Claire, “Much better.”
Darien, “Unfortunately it’s filled with blood.”>
Stacey: And suddenly Darien is re-cast as Dracula.
Lauren: Ivy! No!!
<Hobbes, “Hey Chief.”>
Lauren: Hey McCloud.
Stacey: Brody?
Lauren: Huh?
Stacey: Jaws moment.
<Darien, “What’s up for tomorrow? Blowing up a nursing home? Bombing a convent?”>
Stacey: What? Darien now thinks he’s Ted Kazinski?
Lauren: This recast thing is getting out of hand!
<Darien, “Good...with any luck they’ll sack both of us.”>
Lauren: But with that many yards lost you’ll have to punt!
Stacey: Ooh! I love sack races! Can I be Darien’s partner?
Armi: Uh...I don’t think he meant either of those things.
<Darien sits waiting to be called into the meeting, wearing the corduroy jacket outfit from the courtroom scene in the Pilot.>
Lauren: He’s got one semi-professional looking outfit and damn if he doesn’t use it for everything!
Gina: He got that jacket at a thrift store didn’t he...that’s about the only place to buy a sport coat with elbow patches.
<Darien takes a sip from the coffee beside him.>
Stacey: Is that Starbucks?
<The Oversight committee is shown, man with white hair puts glasses on.>
Stacey: Ted Kennedy?!
<Committee Man, to Hobbes, “Well your file indicates a great deal of experience.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Well I was Beruit for a while.
<Committee Man, “This committee finds it odd that Agent Fawkes was sent into the building instead of you.”>
Stacey: Mulder?
Lauren: No no...FAWKES, not Fox.
<Hobbes, “Well Agent Fawkes has tremendous background in covert entry.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Why just the other day he was telling me about this heist he pulled in Long Beach a few years ago...
Gina: Darien goes from B and E to C and E!
Stacey: Yeah, when he wants he’s practically invisible.
Lauren: I find it distressing when you use a line from the same episode we’re riffing to riff the episode.
<Committee Man, “And where did you pick up this training?”
Darien, “Soledad penitentiary, mostly. Though I did pick up a little in Juvy too.”>
Stacey: Do they offer student loans?
Lauren: Uh, Darien? Not a good time to come clean on your former profession.
<Committee Man, “You’re a convict?”
Darien, “Ex-convict, thank you very much.”>
Stacey: (as Elvis) Thank you. Thank you very much!
<Committee Man, to Darien, “Who’s idea was it to make you a Federal Agent?”>
Stacey: Matt Greenberg!
Lauren: Breck Eisner!
Stacey: Are we close?
<Committee Man, “You found Mr. Fawkes in prison...”>
Lauren: Well, on the sidewalk in front of the hospital actually.
<Committee Man, “...arranged to have his sentence commuted...”>
Lauren: ...to six days of sanity, maximum...
<Committee Man, “...gave him a gun and a badge...”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Wait a minute...I was supposed to get a gun?
Joyce: He didn’t have one in TOIM.
Stacey: Shhh...we aren’t supposed to know that yet!
Lauren: He’ll get a BB gun...budget cutbacks you know.
<Committee Man, “...and without any formal training made him a federal agent?”>
Lauren: (as Official) Well when you put it that way it sounds so wrong!
<Official, “Yes, and I stand by my decision.”>
Gina: But...you’re not standing...
Stacey: (singing) Stand by your decision...
Lauren: Stop that! You can’t do that again!
<Committee Man, “Why? Does Mr. Fawkes have some special ability this committee is unaware of?”>
Gina: (as Official) No sir! He definitely can’t turn invisible or anything!
<Official, about Darien, “He has a talent for remaining...undetected.”>
Stacey: Yeah, until he blows up your house.
Lauren: (as Steve Urkel) Did I do that?
<Committee Man, “I’ll accept your decision to send in Mr. Fawkes was sound.”>
Gina: (as Official) Actually it had more to do with sight.
<Committee Man, “Then I’m afraid, sir, that you leave us little choice.” he bangs the gavel, “We stay at recess until tomorrow.”>
Lauren: Little choice but to take a lunch I guess.
Stacey: (as one of the Committee Men) Recess! Wo ho!! I want the swings!
<Shot of Luke Lawson’s dimly lit office.>
Joyce: Guess he didn’t pay his electric bill.
Akai: That’s really unhealthy...needs more light...he’s gonna go blind if he hasn’t already!
<Lawson is watching a video of the explosion over and over again.>
Sage: I swear that is me up late at night watching eppys!
Armi: So he got ahold of the dailies?
Lauren: It’s America’s Wackiest Ruby Ridges! Now on home video!
<Lawson, “You a drinking man?”
Agent, “I am.”
Lawson, “Glad to hear it.” He pulls an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels out of his desk.>
Lauren: (as Lawson) Sorry, I was playing the Drinking Game...had to do a shot every time I saw a house blow up. *hic!*
<Agent, “May you live in interesting times.”
Lawson, “You know, the Chinese meant that as a curse.”>
Armi: (as Agent) Why do you think I didn’t?
<Agent, “You’re a very clever young man, Luke.”>
Lauren: (as Agent) The force is strong with you.
Stacey: (as Darth Vader) Luke, I am your father’s cousin’s brother’s uncle’s former roomate!
<Agent, “You seem very well regarded by my associates but there’s nothing of the ass kisser about you. What’s your secret?”>
Stacey: (as Luke) Pancake makeup. Helps hide the brown nose.
<Agent, “Which is why the Directorate has taken an interest in you.”>
Lauren: (as Agent) Someone named Anikin wants to see you soon.
<Lawson, “He knew that everyone had a room 101.”>
Lauren: Everyone has a Keepers Lab?
Stacey: You don’t read much do you?
Akai: Oh yeah, for me that would have been...uh...biology I think.
<Lawson, “Something that they fear more then anything else.”>
Akai: Oh. Well, in that case, for me that would be...um...those giant larger-than-life costumed mascots that walk around in amusement parks.
Sage: Mine’s being trapped in a room full of elderly clowns playing kazoos.
Lauren: Mine’s spam.
(everyone looks at Lauren funny)
Lauren: What?! You mean you’re not terrified of spam?
<Lawson, “I just try and identify what each persons Room 101 is and then reassure them that I can make it go away.”
Agent, “What’s mine?”>
Lauren: (as Lawson) Camels...and pink tutu’s, but don’t ask me why.
<Agent, “And yours?”>
Stacey: (as Luke) Claustrophobia.
<Lawson, “All those small time terrorists who suddenly have a way to ruin our way of life.”
Agent, “Got a whole case full of ‘em right here.”>
Stacey: How’d he fit those terrorists into his briefcase?
Lauren: Must be like those clown cars.
<Committee Man, “Well it’s over.”>
Lauren: (as Committee Man) We finished the recount.
Stacey: (as Agent) Who won?
Lauren: (as Committee Man) Matlock, interestingly enough.
<Hobbes, “I just want you to know I’m not happy about this. I’m very upset...not happy at all.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Unless I’m your replacement...then I’m ecstatic!
<The Official (unemotionally) “Thank you Bobby, I appreciate that.”>
Sage: Oh, you can feel the love!
<Hobbes, “Validated parking, overtime, longer vacations, you promised me that stuff!”>
Sage: Promises made, promises broken, the story of the Agency.
<Official, “I’m afraid you’ll have to take that up with my replacement.”
Darien, “Any idea who that’s gonna be, by the way?”>
Stacey: Someone else with no name.
Lauren: Number One from The Prisoner?
Joyce: (as Official) Oh yea, like they’re gonna ask me to suggest someone after my orders got a multi-millionaire killed.
<The Official continues to pack up his office as Hobbes talks.>
Lauren: So instead of snurching office supplies a little at a time, the Official is just gonna swipe the whole office?
Stacey: It’s his retirement package.
<Official, “Bobby, can you give Fawkes and I a minute alone?”>
(There is a pause, then everyone shudders)
Stacey: Uh...eww...
<Official, to Darien, “I want you to know, Kid...”>
Akai: (as Official) ...that you still owe me 10 bucks from our last poker game!
Armi: (as Official) ...that your father would have been proud!
Jenn: (as Official) ...that E = MC squared!
<Official, “...you may be the best thing to happen to this outfit.”>
Lauren: Even if his outfits arn’t the best things.
Stacey: Will you stop that!
<Official, “I think you would have made a great agent.”>
Joyce: Is Darien going somewhere?
<Darien, “The way you use people!”
Official, “Hey, that’s the job description.”>
Stacey: (as Official) Wanna see the memo?
Lauren: (as Darien, reading) Wanted: One bureaucratic n