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Hi everyone!
Here it is, the MiSTing of Ralph! After this we’re all gonna take a week off for Halloween and then come back and do Tiresias!
Just a few quick notes...I tried my very best to add in every single riff y’all sent, but there were 11 of us and that made for a LOT of double riffs. Sometimes I just went with who got the riff in first. Other times I had to do some editing, so if a riff you sent me isn’t in here, then I’m sorry!! Other then that, there are some HUGE honkin’ spoilers for Ralph...and a few other eppys, and in general the person saying the line came up with the riff, although there are a few instances of riffs that are multiple lines so you may have been shanghaied to participate in a riff.
Anyway, enjoy!
Lauren (OboeCrazy)
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(Once again, nestled in the side of the Central Fingerlakes Region, local oboist and resident IManiac Lauren approaches her tiny little studio apartment. Humming the second movement to Strauss’ Oboe Concerto and carrying her oboe, she pauses outside the door of her apartment when she notices...)
Lauren: “Hey, my lights are on. That’s odd. And it sounds like someone is inside...”
(Digging into her pocket she pulls out her apartment key and opens the door to find 10 IM fans squeezed into her apartment!)
Ten IManiacs: “Oboe!!”
Lauren: (shocked) “...the hell?!”
Stacey: (coming over to pick Lauren’s jaw up off the floor) “Well it looked like the popularity of our little Riffing party spread, and uh...well...”
Smarty: (jumping in) “I brought chips!”
Sol: “I’ve got the salsa!”
Stacey: “...hope you don’t mind.”
Lauren: (recovering) “Well no...it’s nice to have a party and all...just wish I had known before hand, I would have cleaned...moved Bob the Fish...rented a bigger apartment...”
Stacey: (grabbing Lauren’s oboe, putting it safely away, and guiding her to the parpazan chair) “Well no need. So why don’t you just sit down, have some munchies, and watch a little Ralph, OK?”
Lauren: “We have munchies?”
Stacey: “Someone press play!”
(After a few minutes of searching for the remote, only to find Lor was sitting on it, Higher presses PLAY)
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RALPH (subtitled: When Darien Became Harvey)
Our cast of Riffers, generally in the order of when they got their riffs in to me:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): “Bring on the running gags!”
Stacey (AKA R2): “Just keep room on the floor for me to faint!”
Sol (AKA Solitaire): “Is it me or is it getting crowded in here?”
Higher (AKA HigherSpectrum): “We’re gonna need more popcorn!”
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): “I’m ready to riff and nitpick!”
Armi (AKA Armitage20_5): “Hey where’s the mudslides?!”
Lor (AKA LorCat): “Next time we get together in a bigger apartment!”
Spud (AKA Spud_Wiseass): “I have the donuts!” (Spud is pelted with pillows)
Carrie (AKA IManWriter): “Look, it’s Mike’s Geico commercial!”
Jenn (AKA...uh...Jenn): “Darnit I’m still looking for that Havoline one with Paul!”
Smarty (AKA Smartypants): “Shh! It’s starting!”
and a special guest appearance by:
wishfulthinker (AKA wishfulthinker): “Like Eberts, I don’t have a lot of lines, but I’m darn important!”
And the show begins:
<Shot of dangling key.>
Lauren: “You’re getting sleepy...very sleepy...”
Armi: “Hey that’s my TARDIS key!”
Akai: “This isn’t the Chain Reaction foul up is it? I mean where the Scifi Channel showed the end before they showed...oh, right...flashback.”
<Camera pans up to show Darien contemplating the key.>
Sol: “Congrats babe! You’ve got a key to the executives restrooms!”
Stacey: (singing) “Open your heart to me, baby, I hold the lock and you hold the key!”
Lauren: (splashing water on Stacey) “The eppy isn’t even 2 minutes old yet and already you’re singing?”
Lor: “Aww...I always knew he had the key to my heart.”
<The pan continues so Darien’s whole wardrobe can be seen.>
Lor: “My dad had a jacket like that in the ‘70s...where’s the fashion police when ya need ‘em!”
<Darien, “In his very first novel, Sherlock Holmes met his match.”>
Stacey: “I didn’t know Sherlock played tennis.”
Lauren: “I think it was before your time.”
<Darien’s voice over, “Her name was Irene Adler.”>
Armi: “You mean I-ray-nah.”
<Darien’s voice over, “But as Dr. Watson points out, she was always The Woman...The Woman who eluded him...The Woman who got away.”>
Lauren: “That’s kind of a long nickname.”
Stacey: (singing) “She cuts like a knife but she’s always the woman to me.”
Lauren: “Are you gonna sing all night?”
<Darien’s voice over, “For me it was elementary.” Shot switches to an eight year old girl.>
Lauren: “So it was literally elementary?”
Stacey: “Then *you* need to be in jail!”
Lauren: “Eeewww...”
<Girl watches falcon, then runs past ‘Park Closed’ sign.>
Higher: “Uh are you blind? Do you always walk into things without permission?”
Lauren: (as girl) “Screw the private function, I’m on the hunt!”
Akai: “Cool, she’s into nature! Points for the new character!”
<Girl “unlocks” an imaginary door with a familiar gold key.>
Armi: “So the Doctor finally got the chameleon circuit fixed?”
Stacey: “Look! She stole Darien’s key! Stop! Thief!”
<Girl, apparently to no one, “Ralph, wake up! You’ve gotta see this!”>
Lauren: “Sorry, Ralph isn’t here. I’m his roommate Snuffaloufogous. He and Harvey the Rabbit went to go see Kevin Bacon for lunch.”
<American delegate, “Allow me to introduce you to America’s greatest sport, huntin’!”>
Sol: “Look, poster boys for the NRA!”
Lauren: “Ah, the redneck way of life.”
Stacey: “I think there’s a few baseball fans who might argue with ya there, buddy!”
Lauren: “What with the subway series and all, oh yea!”
Lor: (as the American delegate) “Did I mention I’m from Arkansas? Hyuk!”
<American delegate, “Or as I like to call it, waitin’.”>
Lauren: “Or as I like to call it, borin’.”
Stacey: “Or as I like to call it, the blatant disregard for helpless animals in their natural environment you selfish bastard!”
Akai: “Go Stacey!”
Lauren: “Don’t hold back now.”
<The Turk just grunts in reply and throws his can on the ground.>
Higher: (as Turk) “You think, maybe, you can shut up?”
Akai: (being pro-ecology) “Hey! HEY! Pick up that can!”
<Agent, “Just make sure Ivan the Terrible doesn’t mistake me for Bambi.”>
Lauren: “Well Bambi actually survived...it was his Mom that...”
Sol: “NOOOooo!” *sniffle*
Stacey: “Since when did he grow antlers, acquire four legs and a cute tail?”
<American delegate, “Well just think of this as an invitation to a little pool party we call NATO.”>
Stacey: “They couldn’t think of a better name for their pool party?”
Lauren: “Oh yea, I can just see Clinton in a thong hitting a beachball to the Royal Family.”
(pause)
Stacey: “You just made me sterile with that riff.”
<Girl turns to no one to her left, “Ssshhh!”>
Lauren: “Guess the Dolly Grip was being too loud.”
Stacey: “Apparently Adam was talking about his dad too much.”
<The falcon flies off, Jessica looks over at “Ralph”>
Armi: (as Jessica) “Jezz Ralph I *told* you to be quiet!”
<Girl spots the delegates talking and drinking beer.>
Stacey: “It’s a good thing the FBI are there to make sure unwanted people don’t get in and watch this.”
Lauren: (as girl) “Sweet, a keg party!”
Sol: “Take a lesson people. This is your brain. This is your brain on stupidity.”
<The gun with the red lazer moves in the brush.>
Higher: “And no one see’s the bright red in all the dead brush!”
<Turk, “What’s this?>
Stacey: “An episode of the Invisible Man! Sheesh!”
Lauren: “What are they paying this guy for?”
Stacey: “Well, its certainly not for his brains.”
<Turk tries to shoot the falcon.>
Akai: “HEY! OK you need to die or something...”
<American delegate, “We protect him, just like we protect you.” A shot is fired and hits the Turk.>
Lauren: “Badly”
Stacey: “Apparently.”
Akai: “Thank you!”
Stacey: “That falcon better run for its life.”
<Girl raises her binoculars again after seeing the Turk get shot and spots the sniper>
Akai: “Hmm...seeing danger, instead of immediately running away she foolishly continues to watch. More points! I am so, like, relating to this character!”
Sol: (as Jessica) “Quick! What’s the number for America’s Most Wanted?”
Stacey: “I think the FBI better bring her onboard!”
Lauren: “The littlest rookie!”
<Shot of falcon flying in the sky.>
Lor: (in a disclaimer narration) “No animals were harmed in the making of this...”
<The falcon is hit and falls from the sky.>
Lor: “Oh.”
(Lauren whistles like a plane falling from the sky, then explosion noises when the bird hits the ground.)
Akai: “Ack! No!!”
Stacey: “See! I *told* you that falcon better run for its life!”
<Girl turns to see the sniper peeking out from his cover under all the foliage.>
Lor: (as John Cleese) “How not to be seen.”
<Girl starts running, calling for Ralph.>
Lor: (as girl) “C’mon Ralph let’s run out in the open where he can’t get a shot at us!”
<The opening sequence begins.>
Lauren: “Oh good...for a moment there I thought we were watching Animal Planet.”
Armi: “Anyone else get freaked out by the ultra-close up of Darien’s face when he’s getting the gland stuck in his skull?” (Armi shudders)
<Turk is zipped up in a body bag.>
(Sol starts singing Bob Dylan’s “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”)
Lauren: (as the actor) “Watch the nose...watch the nose!!”
<The Keeper, in full leather regalia, packs up the dead bird.>
Higher: “Leather boots...leather overcoat...what’s with the Keeper and leather?”
Sol: (as Keeper) “Will that be regular or extra crispy?”
<Darien, “It’s not the Maltese Falcon.”>
Lauren: “Or the Maltese Crichton.”
Stacey: “Wrong show.”
<Hobbes, “Why don’t you have a little respect for the dead?”
Darien, “It’s a bird.”>
Lauren: (dully) “It’s a plane....it’s...”
Stacey: “Stop that!”
<Keeper, “You’re both endangered creatures, Darien.”>
Smarty: “Is that a threat?”
Stacey: “Uh, unless the gland changed his species then I think he’s fine...”
Lauren: (as Darien) “Hey, if I’m an endangered creature then you *have* to give me the counteragent, cause by law you can’t hurt me!”
Stacey: (as Keeper) “In that case we’ll have to keep you safe from harm by putting you back in that padded cell back at the Agency...”
Lauren: (as Darien) “OK OK...nevermind...jezz...”
<Keeper, “The question is when you die, what will the bird say?”>
Stacey: “Cheep, cheep most likely.”
Lauren: “Nah, they say that flying over K-Mart.”
Sol: “Na Na NA Na Na!”
Spud: “Quoth the raven, “Nevermore!”
Stacey: “It can’t say anything....it’s a bird.”
Lauren: “It can’t say anything...it’s DEAD!”
<Hobbes, about the Keeper, “Got a point.”>
Stacey: “Yeah, right on the top of her head, but if she combs her hair just right no one notices!”
Lauren: (cringing) “Oh, ouch. Don’t hold back now, how do you really feel about her?”
<Credits read “Directed by Adam Nimoy”>
Stacey: (gasping) “Look! It’s Spock’s son!”
Lauren: “If William Shatner shows up I am *so* switching to Comedy Central!”
<Darien, “Why are we here?”>
Sol: “Did you miss the memo?”
Lauren: “Such deep thoughts so early in the morning!”
<Hobbes tries to deny the Agency exists to people passing by, repeating “What agency?”>
Smarty: “I didn’t think Hobbes had the short term memory thing till IHWYDT!”
Lauren: “Shh! We’re not supposed to know about that yet!”
<Hobbes, to Darien, “You need to learn to keep a low profile.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Well I could slouch some more...perhaps squat or something.”
Stacey: “Oh Helena would love that!”
<Darien, “How much lower a profile can you get then an Agency that works for the Department of Fish and Game?”>
Armi: “An Agency working for the Department of Highway Maintenance?”
<Darien, “Oh right...we’re just out here on roadkill duty earning our merit badges!”>
Lauren: “Well at least it’s a gorgeous day to be out on roadkill duty! Look, not a cloud in the sky again!”
Stacey: “Never figured Darien for a boy scout.”
<Darien, “Huh...somehow I don’t think that’s the only reason we’re here.”>
Lauren: “Ah, so Darien believes beyond the Buddhist philosophy Hobbes was talking about.”
Stacey: “Was it me, or were all of Vince’s lines in this scene ADR?”
<Jones, “If it isn’t Lithium Bob!”>
Sol: “Were you just born an a-hole or did you take special lessons?”
Lauren: (as Jones) “And his sidekick Straight Jacket Darien!”
<Jones, “Everything behind here is off-limits to non-FBI.”>
Armi: “Now you see it...”
<Jones lifts his hand to block Darien’s view.>
Armi: “Now you don’t!”
Stacey: (as Jones) “Talk to the hand!”
Sol: “Hey! Careful butthead, he doesn’t know where your hand has been!”
Smarty: “Peek a boo!”
<Hobbes, “How are those Viagra rebates coming?”>
Lauren: (as Bob Dole) “If Bob Dole was president then all of the men in the service of God’s Country would get Viagra to keep the American’s on top!”
Sol: (as Jones) “Just great! Bubba is a NASCAR driver.”
Spud: “What is with this show and all the Viagra jokes?”
Stacey: “Uh...am I the only one who’s uncomfy with Hobbes asking another man about Viagra?”
(everyone in the room raises their hand)
<Darien walks behind a tree....>
Lauren: “Oh if he’s gonna pee I am *so* switching to Comedy Central!”
<...and turns invisible.>
Lauren: “Oh.”
Stacey: “Whoa! Warp speed invisibility!”
<Mom, “Honey, this man want’s to help. Will you talk to him? Will you talk to me?” Jessica remains silent.>
Stacey: (as Adam Nimoy) “Hey, Landry! That’s your cue!”
Lauren: (as Mom) “It’s OK if you forgot your lines honey, but you need to say so!”
<Official, about the falcon slide show, “Take a good look gentleman. Because we will not rest until this national symbol of...flight...has been avenged.”>
Akai: “Yea!”
Higher: “He was being sarcastic.”
Akai: (still in full nature-freak out mode) “You’re ruining the moment! Shut up!” (a pause) “Or join me!”
<Eberts walks to the windows and starts closing the blinds.>
Lauren: (as Eberts) “Aren’t these lovely blinds? Got them at Sears for $9.99 a set!”
Akai: “And Eberts demonstrates his superior technique of closing blinds, one of his many subtle but perfected talents.”
<Eberts, “Oman Tariq.”>
Everyone: “Gezuntite!”
<After two slides of Oman, the slide show ends.>
Lauren: “Wait, that’s it? There were just as many slides of the bird!”
Sol: “Damn, and I thought we were going to see Hunk-O-Rama Wet and Wild!”
Akai: (as Official) “And that’s the end. Now take out your worksheets that I gave you and fill in the answers. I’ll be collecting them tomorrow, no late work will be accepted. Darien, spit out that gum or I’ll give you detention...and Hobbes for the last time stop fidgeting!”
<The Official and Eberts come to stand next to each other.>
Akai: “Hey, they really do have matching ties! I thought that was a joke.”
<Official, “No, the kid is right. A foreign dignitary was killed on our soil, and that is FBI jurisdiction.” Darien gives a “So there!” look to Hobbes.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “See? *ttthhppppptt*!!”
<Hobbes, “Let’s do it!”>
Stacey: “So now Hobbes is doing Nike commercials as well?”
<Darien, “I don’t do the detective work, that’s your department.”>
Stacey: “Making Darien’s department...what exactly?”
Lauren: “Being a special effect and getting hurt.”
<The Official flings a file at Darien.>
Stacey: “Hey look! Air mail!”
Lauren: “Hey! Watch it! You could take someone’s head off playing Frisbee in the house like that!”
Akai: “How did he do that? I can never, ever get my papers to do that! Ditto with pens and lock picking.”
Lauren: “The things you pick up as a secret government agent I guess.”
<Darien, reading from Jessica’s file, “Interests...painting.”>
Akai: “She paints? She’s into art! Oh more points for Jessica!”
Lauren: “I’m getting the vague sense you like this kid.”
<Darien lifts the first page of Jessica’s file showing there is a set of fingerprints on it.>
Stacey: “Jezzz...they took the girl’s fingerprints?!”
Lauren: “Won’t speak to the FBI, eh? Book her, Jones!”
<Darien, “Incident related...yadda yadda yadda...”>
Lauren: “And IM is immediately sued by Jerry Seinfield.”
<Darien, “The only person she’s talking to is Ralph...her invisible best friend.”
Official, “And guess who you are?”>
Lauren: “Fun Bobby?”
Stacey: “Ed Tate?”
Sol: “Screwed?”
Akai: “Marius?”
Higher: “No, Eberts got that role, remember?”
Lauren: “Claude Rains?”
Stacey: “Huh?”
<The shrink walks out of the house.>
Spud: “Look! Whoopie Goldberg!”
<Jones, “We need an ID on the sniper.” Anders appears.>
Stacey: (pointing) “LOOK! LOOK! There he is!”
Lauren: “Shhh! We don’t know that yet!”
Spud: (laughing) “Did he go fishing?”
<Jones, sarcastic to Anders, “Well look who’s back early from Tahoe.”>
Lauren: “Jezz...he’s Agent Smart-Ass!”
Sol: “There must have been a 2 for 1 sale on suits at the FBI House of the Un-Fashionable.”
<Jones, “We don’t need a diagnosis, Fran. We need a sniper profile.”>
Higher: “Cause after those rather inept FBI agents finally found Jessica, the shocked look on her face was enough to tell them she saw him!”
<Shot of Jessica in her room.>
Lauren: “Nanny Cam!”
<The Hungry Hungry Hippo’s game moves by itself, apparently. Jessica turns to look.>
(Lauren starts whistling the Twighlight Zone theme)
Lor: “He’s heeeeeeeeere!”
Stacey: “Now that’s the bravest 8-year old I know. I would already be running screaming from the room and I’m 25.”
<The red Hippo moves, then Jessica hits her’s once...then the red one moves once...then Jessica hits hers again.>
Lauren: “Damn this is the slowest Hungry Hungry Hippos games EVER!”
Sol: “Jessica must be the only child in America without a computer.”
<Darien, “You win!”
Jessica looks up, but see’s no one.>
Lauren: (as Nimoy) “Uh Vince, you’re out of the frame...a little to the left...”
<Darien holds 2 red checkers over his eyes.>
Stacey: “Ooohhh...foreshadowing!”
Lauren: (whacks Stacey) “You just want to give away the whole eppy don’t you!”
<Darien, stammering and pausing, “Why...did...you change...my name?”>
Stacey: “Sounds like he got acting tips from William Shatner.”
Lauren: “Well the director *is* Spock’s son...”
<Darien, “Then who am I?”>
Armi: (as Jessica) “That’s what I’d like to know!”
Lauren: “And so Darien finally reaches the first step on the road to enlightenment by asking the two main questions in life: Who am I, and why am I here.”
Akai: (singing) “2 4 6 0 1!!!”
Higher: “So apparently Darien got the role of Jean Valjean, eh Akai?”
<Darien, “That’s because before I was talking to your inner ear, and now I’m talking to your outer ear.”>
Stacey: “And first place for being able to pull a believable excuse out of thin air, ladies and gentlemen, give Darien Fawkes a hand!”
(everyone applauds)
<Shot of Invisible Darien flipping a checker up and down in his hand.>
Stacey: (whistling) “I’m impressed. I can’t even do that when I *can* see my hand!”
<Jessica, “Ralph, stay! OK?”>
Lauren: “What, is Ralph a Golden Retriever?”
Stacey: “Sit UBU sit, good dog.”
Lauren: “Sit. Woof.”
Stacey: “Wrong episode.”
<Jessica, “You *are* cold!”>
Armi: (as her anime namesake) “I will always be cold.”
Stacey: “Hey, cold hands, warm heart babe.”
Lauren: (slyly) “I can warm him up.”
(Stacey faints) <THUD>
(Everyone else throws their pillows at Lauren)
<Hobbes, “Harvey to Ralph, Harvey to Ralph.>
Stacey: “Oh I don’t think they pay Hobbes enough to dress up like a bunny.”
(pause)
Lauren: “Uh...I got five dollars.”
Sol: “I got ten!”
Higher: “I got a few singles!”
<Hobbes, “Your sit-rep, your sit-rep!”
Darien, “Yea, I gotta tell you I don’t know what the Hell that means.”>
Higher: “Yea, you and everyone else!”
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “Didn’t you read The Agents Guide to Lingo Dictionary I gave you?!”
<Darien picks up Jessica’s diary and starts reading.>
Lor: (as Jessica) “Dear Diary, they don’t suspect a thing. They will never find the bodies...muahahahaha!!”
Spud: (as Darien, reading) “Dear Diary, today I played with Ralph. See you tomorrow. Whoa, that’s some heavy emotional writing.”
<Darien, “Wait a minute, what am I doing here?”>
Stacey: “Uh, Darien? Hobbes already answered that question in the first scene.”
Lauren: (as Darien) “And who am I again?”
<Hobbes, “Not right? Your a thief!”
Darien, “Ah, ex-thief, thank you very much.”>
Higher: “Yea, you say that now, but your gonna miss it!”
Stacey: “Ssshhh! We don’t know about that yet!”
<Hobbes, “You can change your job, but you can’t change who you are!”>
Lauren: “To thine own self be true and all that crap.”
<Darien runs into the closet to hide as Hobbes continues to chatter over the mic, “You’d better quicksilver, you’d better quick right...” the door closes.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes through the mic) “...now! Don’t you tell me you can’t quicksilver, you’d better or you should start running quickly ‘cause I’ll be all over your...”
Stacey: (as Darien) “Hobbes! Shut up!”
<Jessica tries to open the closet, but the door closes again.
Darien, “No no no...don’t come in!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Uh...I’m naked!”
(Stacey faints) <THUD>
<Jessica opens the door to see a headless Darien.>
Lauren: “Ichabod! No!!”
Stacey: “Didn’t you use that joke in the Pilot?”
<Jessica screams.>
Stacey: “Oh sure, *now* she screams!”
Spud: (as Jessica) “Mommy! There’s a six foot headless man in my closet!”
<Darien runs out of the closet and jumps out the window.>
Lauren: “Out you pixie, out you go! Out the door and through the window!”
Stacey: (as Darien) “And now, for my version of Peter Pan!”
Lauren: “Isn’t she on the second floor?”
Stacey: “Maybe partially invisible men can bounce.”
Lauren: “Or there’s a rubber tree plant right under her window and he’ll just bounce right back up to safety.”
<Darien, “My invisibility is on the fritz and I want off this case, why is that a problem?”>
Stacey: (singing) “I want to go where fashion sits, working on the ritz.”
Lauren: “He said ‘fritz’!”
Stacey: “Oh.”
Lauren: (as Official) “Well you’ll have plenty of time to practice your quicksilvering sitting around in that padded room we have downstairs...”
Stacey: (as Darien) “You’re enjoying that threat way too much.”
<Official, “Son, just because you dropped the ball doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be a second half.”>
Lauren: “Well Darien is cute, but he’s no Doug Flutie.”
Stacey: “When you fall off that horse, dust yourself off and get right back on.”
Lauren: “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again!”
Stacey: “Setbacks are speed bumps on the road to success.”
Lauren: “Momma always said...”
Everyone Else: “OK! We get it!”
<Darien, “We are messing with a traumatized kid here and I can permanently fff...” he stops.>
Lauren: (as network censor) “Oh no no no no!! This is the Scifi channel, not HBO!!”
Stacey: “Oh please tell me he was going to say ‘frell’!”
<Darien, “I will never be gung ho about anything this Agency ever does!”>
Lauren: “What about Claude?”
Stacey: “Shhh! We don’t know about that yet!”
<Official, “Fine. Hobbes, you take her!”>
Stacey: “Yes, Hobbes! You can have me! Take me anywhere!”
(Lauren splashes some water on Stacey)
<Hobbes, “I’ll get it out of her!”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “How should I threaten her...steal her Pokemon cards or scare her with cooties?”
Smarty: “I can see it now, bright lights, and Hobbes asking ‘Where were you on June 22?’.”
<Darien, “I’m not going to subject her to that bi-polar James Bond.”>
Stacey: “You can call him Hobbes. Bobby Hobbes.”
<Keeper, to Darien, “Did you break yourself already?”>
Stacey: “Darien is made in Taiwan?”
Sol: “He looks damn fine to me!”
(Stacey faints) <THUD>
<Keeper, “Relax, this happens to a lot of men!”>
(Everyone looks uncomfy and a few people cough and clear their throats)
<The Keeper walks past the full fish tank.>
Higher: “Hey look, the piranha are back!”
<Keeper, “If you want to get your quicksilvering under control you’ll have to do the same with your feelings.”>
Lauren: “So if Leonard Nimoy played Darien he wouldn’t have this problem?”
Stacey: “What?! And loose Vincent?!”
<Keeper, “No, I won’t have another one ready for at least 48 hours.”>
Lauren: “Starring Eddie Murphy.”
Stacey: “So, now we’re gonna see Nick Nolte?”
Lauren: “I was kinda hoping for Barbara Walters.”
Stacey: “I think that’s 60 minutes.”
<Darien, realizing there is no counteragent, starts to panic.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “No blue koolaid? But how will I get my sugar buzz?!”
<Darien, “So what am I supposed to do?”
Keeper, “Avoid emotions.”>
Stacey: “So...she *does* want him to turn into Mr. Spock.”
Lauren: “Thank you Adam Nimoy!”
<Keeper, “And find an alternative to invisibility.”>
Lauren: “Kinda hard when your cover is someone’s invisible friend.”
<Shot of the outside of Jessica’s house on a beautiful, sunny day.>
Lauren: (singing) “I can see clearly now the rain is gone!”
Stacey: “And yet another gorgeous day in Darien’s world.”
<In the van, Darien sit’s with his eyes closed, meditating.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Oooooommmm.....Ooooommmm....”
<After interrupting Darien’s meditation, Hobbes claps him on the shoulder and slams the rusty door. Darien looks back at the camera.>
Lauren: “Don’t look at us, he’s *your* partner!”
Armi: (as Darien) “He keeps this up and one of these days I am going to kill him.”
<Darien takes a deep breath and lets it out.>
(Everyone sighs with him, Lauren yawns, getting strange looks)
Lauren: “Sorry, it just felt good.”
<Darien hits the Hungry Hungry Hippos game, but Jessica doesn’t respond.>
Higher: (as Jessica) “I won yesterday, I’m not playing again!”
<Darien, “Well...we’re kinda talking now.”
Jessica, “No we’re not.”
Darien, “Yes we are!”>
Armi: “Real mature dialogue.”
Stacey: “Did not.”
Lauren: “Did so.”
Stacey: “Cannot!”
Lauren: “Can so!”
<In Jessica’s room, as the camera tracks an invisible Darien, a plastic rabbit figurine can be seen in the background....>
Lauren: “Look look! It’s Harvey!!”
<...then 2 stuffed animals, also rabbits.>
Lauren: “And...um...friends.”
<Darien, “I didn’t mean to scare you, it’s just...uh...”>
Stacey: (as Darien) “My gland is on the fritz.”
Lauren: (as Jessica) “I haven’t reached puberty yet, I’m not supposed to know about that kind of stuff.”
<Jessica, “But that’s not how you look!”>
Akai: “On behalf of all those who complain about Darien’s taste in clothes, though I personally don’t care too much...(as Jessica) You have a better fashion sense!”
<Darien, handing Jessica the paintbrush, “Go ahead, you try.”>
Lauren: “OK ten bucks says Darien ends up looking like a multi-colored map of Europe!”
<Jessica paints away...the water jar is shown several times still very clear.>
Lauren: “That water is remarkably clear...even after she’s rinsed a few brushes in it.”
Stacey: “That’s the power of chlorine!”
Sol: “So is this how Picasso got started?”
Spud: “I hope that’s non-toxic.”
<Darien shakes the last of the quicksilver off his nose.>
Armi: (sighing) “Kawaii...”
<Jessica, “Ralph, you grew up!”>
Stacey: (as Darien) “Actually, my hair makes me look a lot bigger.”
Higher: “Yeah, the camera adds about ten inches.”
Lauren: “He spent too much time away from Never-Never Land.”
Stacey: (singing) “I don’t wana grow up, I’m a Toys R Us Kid!”
<Darien, “Don’t worry, you’ll catch up.”>
Armi: (as Jessica) “How? You’re like 20 years older then me now!”
<Darien, “Like...a cookie monster?”
Jessica gives Darien a look.>
Lauren: (as Jessica) “Of all the invisible friends I had to make up a dumb one!”
Stacey: “Darien’s ideas of monsters aren’t very monsterly.”
Lauren: “Well after becoming a raving lunatic a few times, monsters just don’t look scary anymore.”
Armi: “Please...like the Cookie Monster is scary. Now Barney and the Teletubbies...”
(everyone shudders at the thought of Barney and the Teletubbies)
<As Jessica talks to Darien, the camera angle shows a picture of a rainbow over her bed.>
Stacey: “Hey! Is that Rainbow Bright? I loved her!”
<Darien, “I think you should just...you know...just tell her everything.”
Jessica, “OK.”>
Lauren: (as Jessica) “Should I tell her about you headless in my closet?”
Stacey: (as Darien) “OK perhaps not *everything*.”
<Jessica, “I did one of your home to.” She shows Darien a picture of the rock formation.>
Higher: (as Darien) “Ah...my home is a pile of rocks then...”
Lauren: “Man, even Ralph’s place is bigger then my apartment!”
<Hobbes, about Jessica, “That’s a well adjusted child.”>
Armi: “The pot calling the kettle black.”
Stacey: “Sshh! That’s the next episode!”
<Darien, “What, you’re telling me you never had an invisible friend?”
Hobbes, “I had invisible enemies.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Well you have an invisible friend now!”
Stacey: “Darien is his *own* invisible friend.”
<Darien keeps bothering Hobbes while he’s trying to triangulate.>
Akai: (as Hobbes) “Look I’ll give you a lollipop later, will you just leave me alone!”
<Hobbes, “Bingo!”>
Lauren: “Damn, and I was one square away from winning!”
Stacey: (singing) “There was a farmer had a dog...”
<Hobbes finds a piece of the Gilly suit in the brush.>
Stacey: “So, we’ve discovered that Darien has bionic hearing and Hobbes has bionic eyes.”
Akai: (as Darien) “Now give me my lollipop!”
Lauren: “It’s a good thing it’s such a nice day or he’d never have found that.”
Stacey: “It’s only cloudy at night in Darien’s world.”
<Darien, “And you knew to look for this, how?”
Hobbes, “Cause I’m me, Fawkes.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “And I just gotta be me.”
Akai: (singing) “Oh! Was there e-ver an agent so cle-ver as the magical mister Hobbes!”
<Hobbes, “This is a piece of a camouflage suit that was covered in dirt and twigs and leaves.”>
Akai: (as Hobbes) “...and bark and grass and moss and fungi spores and protozoa and bacteria and...”
<Hobbes, “This isn’t a monster, bro.”>
Lauren and Higher: “Dear God, Hobbes has been possessed by Fogerty! Nooo!!”
<Hobbes, “This kid could be in real danger.”>
Lauren: “As opposed to the imaginary kind that kills endangered birds and Cabinet Ministers from Turkmanistan.”
<The sniper puts on his black beret hat.>
Lauren: (as sniper) “I gotta look good if I’m gonna kill someone!”
Stacey: (as sniper) “I’m ready for my close up now, Mr. DeMille!”
<The sniper looks through his lens to see Hobbes run towards the house, then Jessica painting in the backyard.>
Lauren: “On a clear day you can see forever...and Hobbes and Jessica.”
Stacey: “It’s always a clear day in Darien’s world.”
<Hobbes, “Mrs. Semplar, my name is Roberts Hobbes.” He shows his ID>
Akai: (as Hobbes) “Can I interest you in buying some motor oil?”
Armi: (as Mrs. Semplar) “How is the Department of Fish and Game going to help?”
<Darien turns invisible and runs up to Jessica, now at eye level with her.>
Lauren: “So Darien shrinks when he turns invisible?”
Stacey: “Hobbes must have put him in the dryer.”
<Jessica, “Hey Ralph, check out my painting!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “The nose is a bit big.”
<The lazer from the sniper gun appears on Jessica’s chest.>
Lauren: “Tinkerbell get out of the shot!”
Stacey: (as Adam Nimoy) “All right! Who’s the comedian with the laser pointer?”
<Darien get’s shot, quicksilver goes flying.>
Carrie: “Damnit Anders, Assassins NEVER aim for anything other than the head!”
Jenn: “If that didn’t hurt him so much, I’d say that was pretty darn cool...”
<The Keeper bandages up Darien’s bullet wound, none to gently.>
Sol: “Well if the wound doesn’t kill him, her doctoring techniques will certainly cause him the loss of his arm!”
Spud: “That’s all it did to him?”
<Keeper, “Listen, you just got shot. Where are you going, Disneyland?”>
Lauren: “How about a hospital?”
<Hobbes, to Darien, “Oh right right...what am I thinking...’cause you got the ...” he snaps.>
Stacey: “The what? Groove thing?”
Lauren: (singing) “He’s got rhythm...he’s got music...he’s got his gland, who can ask for anything more!”
<Keeper, “At least wear this, it’s a Tak vest.”
Darien, “Forget it...scare Jess.”>
Stacey: “Whadday say Darien? Best out of three?”
Armi: “So would that orange shirt of yours, but you still wear that!”