MiSTing: Perchance to Dream
(Since the editor of this MiSTing was gone at a competition the entire weekend, the opening to this MiSTing was delayed. So we now bring you the MiSTing already in progress...)
---------------
Our Riffers (in the order their riffs were
received)
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): Sorry gang, next time I’ll have time to come up with an opening!
Stacey (AKA R2): Just pass the mudslides!
wishful (AKA wishfulthinker): And popcorn!
Emma (AKA IManHobbes): I think I’m sitting on someone.
Kitkat (AKA...Kitkat :-) ): Hey, who’s hand is that! Oh wait, it’s mine...
Adel (AKA Adelheide): It is rather cramped in here.
Daniel (AKA Kimpire): Well we can all snuggle for the scary parts!
Joyce (AKA Invisible Mom): This is Perchance to Dream, there are no scary parts.
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): Yea, the whole thing is just scary.
And so our story begins...
<A shadow on the floor shows a door opening and a figure enter.>
Lauren: Would our mystery guest enter and sign in please?
<Darien’s voice over, “...sleep is the twin of death.”>
Stacey: Oh he must be talking about the Olsen twins.
Lauren: If Bob Saget shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Darien, “Well, fill’er up!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Unleaded please, and check my oil.
Stacey: (as Claire) Regular or sugar free koolaid?
wishful: To say that line you should be wearing the Jerry jacket.
Kitkat: Ya want me to check under your hood too?
Adel: Full-service stations died out in the late 70’s, my friends.
<Darien takes off his jacket.>
Lauren: Oh! Hey! He gonna strip for us?
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien, “One of these nights you oughta hang with me and Hobbes.”>
Stacey: Yeah, cause it sucks when you’re the only one without a date, right Darien?
(Everyone gapes at Stacey)
Stacey: What? You guys saw Cat and Mouse!
<Darien, “Should I take that as a no?”
Claire, “Yes.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Oh okay, so yes then.
Lauren: (as Claire) No.
Stacey: (as Darien) Is that yes meaning no or no meaning yes?
Lauren: (as Claire) Exactly.
<Claire, sounding bored, “So how did we save our country this time?”>
Lauren: (as Jack O’Neill) Hello? Saved the world! This should NOT get old!
Stacey: I thought Darien wasn’t a superhero.
Lauren: Wait...what does she mean ‘we’? Is that why she’s so tired?
<Claire, “On or off the clock?”>
Stacey: What does being on a clock have to do with anything?
Lauren: I don’t think that’s what she meant.
<Darien, “I’ll have you know I do not sneak off the clock.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) My clock is always running.
wishful: No, if he’s sneaking it means he’s just working on a different clock...the cat burglar clock.
Stacey: No, he sneaks off WITH the clock!
Lauren: But you’re the resident cheater.
(Stacey whacks Lauren)
<Claire’s alarm goes off, she turns into a zombie.>
Stacey: Turkey’s done!
Lauren: (as Claire) Time for Judge Wapner!
Kitkat: It’s 9 o’clock! Oh...wrong eppy...
Emma: Must be time for “Days of Our Lives”.
Adel: How does that little bitty watch beep like that?
<Darien, “...I saved you from that old lady.”>
Joyce: He saved HER from Gloria?
Stacey: Uh, visa versa there Darien. You got the love bite from Hell.
Lauren: He’s suffering from selective memory.
wishful: Ah yes, thank you for the plot rehash, I’d completely forgotten that eppy.
<Claire walks out of the lab without a word, leaving Darien standing looking confused.>
Lauren: Man, I knew there was going to be an actors strike, but I didn’t know it’d be this drastic!
Stacey: (as Keeper as Hobbes) Here’s two words for you, I quit.
Lauren: Isn’t it a bit early in the eppy to be walking off into the sunset?
Joyce: (as Claire) I’m bored with this whole conversation, I’m out of here!
<Darien, “Excuse me, Keepey?!”>
wishful and Adel: (disbelievingly) Keepey?!
Emma: (as Claire) Not now Dar-ee-an, I have to go kill a guy.
<Darien, “I need a shot here!”>
Stacey: Jello shot?
Lauren: Tequila shot?
Stacey: Melonball shot?
Lauren: We’re a couple of lushes.
Stacey: (very drunk) Oh yesh!
Akai: (as Claire) Eh, do it yourself, Dahrien, there’s a sale at Macy’s!
<Darien follows Claire out of the lab, calling after her.>
wishful: Oi! Keepey! He’s talking to you!
Lauren: (as Vince) Come on Shannon! I promise, no more ad-libbing!
Stacey: It’s like Impetus all over again...only visible.
Lauren: Man, first the Pilot and now this.
<Darien, “Hey! Hey!”>
Stacey: Oh! I know this one...it’s the stuff horses eat!
(Stacey is pelted with pillows)
<Claire runs out of the Agency.>
Emma: Hey look! Claire’s doing the Baywatch slo-mo run!
<Darien opens the car door, “What’s going on, is everything OK?”
Claire peels off.>
Stacey: (as Darien) I take that as a ‘no’ then?
Lauren: (as Claire) Screw you Invisi-boy! I’m off to Cancun!
<Darien pulls into traffic after Claire without looking.>
Stacey: (covers her eyes) Darien, you’re invisible NOT invincible!
Lauren: That’s considered polite in New York City.
Joyce: Did he learn how to drive at the Secret Agent’s Driving School?
<Close up of Darien chasing in his car, the one wheel is wobbling.>
Daniel: Omigod! The wheels falling off! He’s gonna crash!
<Chase continues flying over hills, driving through dangerous traffic, etc...>
Akai: This show is FULL of horrible drivers!
Stacey: Whoa, I think she graduated from the Nash Bridges School of Driving.
wishful: At least it’s not San Francisco...have you ever noticed the car chases they have in San Francisco? They find every single hill they can go flying over!
Adel: Where’s Karl Malden and Michael Douglas?
<Claire runs a red light, Darien tries to run it and nearly causes a pile up.>
Lauren: Wow, looks like clouds aren’t the only things that don’t exist in Darien’s world.
Stacey: Darien, repeat after me...invisible is NOT invincible!
<Shot of a guy jogging.>
Lauren: Bill Clinton goes for his morning jog to McDonnalds.
<Claire slings a gym bag over her shoulder.>
Stacey: Oh OK, she was in a rush because she’s...late for her workout?
Lauren: In those clothes?
Stacey: Kate got away with it.
Lauren: Not with us!
<Shot of Claire running after the jogger, then Darien running after Claire.>
Lauren: This is the strangest game of follow the leader I’ve ever seen!
Stacey: What is this? Chariots of Fire?
Lauren: Or the Boston Marathon.
Stacey: This sort of reminds me of the Foghorn Leghorn cartoon with the old hen trying to nab a husband.
<The sound of bells is heard over the funky music.>
Stacey: Ask not for whom the bell tolls, the bell tolls for you my friend.
Lauren: Didn’t Metallica say that?
Stacey: I thought it was Hobbes.
<Another shot of the jogger running.>
Lauren: Still going. Nothing lasts longer then this guy, he keeps going and going and going...
Akai: Well at least they’re all getting some exercise.
<Claire continues to run after the jogger.>
Adel: Ah, out for a lovely invigorating jog...in polyester and heels.
<Claire pulls out a gun.>
Stacey: Hey wait! She had a bigger one in TOIM!
(everyone turns to stare at Stacey)
Stacey: Oh that is SO not what I meant!
wishful: Isn’t it kinda hard to aim a gun when you’re running?
Emma: Yea, what if you trip over a rock and shoot yourself in the foot?
<As Claire pulls out her gun, the music suddenly increases in tempo.>
Lauren: I think the composer accidentally nudged the tempo bar on his Korg.
<Darien sprints towards Claire.>
Adel: I love it when Darien runs (she smiles dreamily)
Emma: I could watch him run all day...(she faints) <THUD>
Lauren: She’s at the 15...the 10...the 5...
<Claire is tackled by Darien before she can fire.>
Lauren: ...oh and taken down at the 3 yard line!
Adel: Interception! First and ten!
Stacey: Darien Fawkes as Keanu Reeves in The Invisible Replacements.
<Claire, to Darien, “Get off me!”>
Lauren: Is she nuts?! Any woman would kill to be in her position!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien, “What the hell were you doing?”
Claire, “What does it look like?”
Darien, “Like you were about to shoot that guy!”>
Stacey: So Darien just answered his own question then.
Akai: (as Darien) Like you’re running? Oh, you mean the present moment...
<Claire, “No, not shoot him, kill him!”>
Lauren: (as Claire) My name is Claire Keeply, you killed my father, prepare to die!
<Darien, “Who is he?”
Claire, “I don’t know.”>
Stacey: What an interesting name. Is it French?
(Stacey is pelted with pillows)
<The picture fades to snow.>
Stacey: (in an eerie voice) They’re baaaaack!
<Darien, “We are not calling the authorities, OK?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) We ARE the authorities!
Joyce: (as Darien) I have serious jail time in my past.
<Hobbes, “And he ain’t gonna testify, right?”
Darien, “Right, well I was implying that in my answer.”>
Lauren: (as Vince) You want to do the scene again? I’ll imply harder.
<Official, “You have no idea why this man wants to harm you?”
Claire, “No.”>
Stacey: I have no idea how she even found the guy, that was never really explained.
Lauren: I have no idea why she was even going to a sleep clinic.
Stacey: I have no idea how they cram all that graham into Graham Cracker Crunch cereal.
<Hobbes, “You a big Judge all of a sudden?”>
Lauren: Wapner? Judy?
wishful: No, but he does have quite a big of experience with the legal system.
<Darien, “I’m pretty smart about this stuff.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Yeah, in the pen it was either Penthouse or Black’s Law Dictionary.
Lauren: Penthouse has law articles?
<Hobbes, “What are you, Judge Ito?”>
Lauren: If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
Stacey: He’s too tall to be a short oriental dude.
Lauren: If OJ shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Hobbes, “Big shot.”
Official, “Bobby, one more time...!”>
Akai: (as Official) ...and you get detention!
Stacey: (as Hobbes) OK...Big shot!
<Official, “Claire, we’re going to keep you here.”>
wishful: Keeping the Keeper? Sorry, couldn’t resist!
<Claire, “I can handle this!”>
Lauren: (as Claire) Hobbes, just lend me your gun and it’s handled!
<Darien, “You really sure you want to kill someone?”>
Stacey: Should he really be asking a pissed off doctor who holds his life in her hands that question?
Lauren: It’s called living on the edge.
Stacey: Of insanity, maybe.
wishful: She’s always wanted to be a murderer...it was on her list of goals right after “Bombing White Castles everywhere”.
<Claire, “Fine.”>
Stacey: Only hair is fine.
Lauren: Huh?
Stacey: Sorry, flashed on a piece of advice my mom gave me once.
<Claire, “I’ll be in the Keep.”>
Lauren: ...the what?
Stacey: The lab.
Lauren: Well why didn’t she say lab?
Stacey: She did.
Lauren: She said Keep!
Stacey: She’s the Keeper...it’s the Keep...
Lauren: Keeper, Kept, Keep...what, next we have to conjugate it?!
Kitkat: She must be reading fanfiction.net.
<Darien, “I need a shot here.”>
Stacey: Fun Bobby! Haven’t heard from you in a while!
<Eberts, “I’ll make sure there are guards around the clock.”>
Stacey: But the clock is not in danger, Claire is!
Lauren: No, you are if you keep up with the bad puns.
Kitkat: I hope these guys are better than the “safety net” from Cat and Mouse!
<Official, “Find the jogger. I wanna know what his story is!”>
Akai: I think he was originally some scientist, but I’m not sure.
Lauren: (as jogger) Well I was born on a farming commune forty miles outside of Moscow. My parents were...
Joyce: Not THAT story!
Stacey: Romance?
Lauren: Horror?
Stacey: Oh I know! Scifi!
<Darien and Hobbes talk to the jogger.>
Stacey: Wait, how’d they find this total stranger after Darien just saw the back of him for a few moments?
Lauren: He used a psychic singing telegram?
Stacey: I am so confused!
<Hobbes hands a computer printout picture of Claire to Burton.>
Lauren: They got that shot from the opening when she says “The Invisible Man continues”
<Jogger, “Positive, what’s her problem?”>
Stacey: She’s got a gland in her...oh, wait...
Lauren: You’re early.
<Hobbes, “You’ve never seen her before now all of a sudden she’s got problems? She ain’t got a problem, maybe you got a problem.”>
Stacey: See the problem with this problem is that there’s no solution and that poses a problem.
<Burton, “How could she be afraid of me when we’ve never met?”
Hobbes, “Maybe you have and you just don’t remember.”>
Joyce: (as Burton, leering) If I’d met her, I would have remembered!
<Burton, “Is that some kind of threat?”>
Stacey: (as Darien) No.
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Yes.
Stacey: (as Bevis) Are you...threatening me?
<Darien, “No! No no...”>
wishful: (as Darien) Why do I have the feeling this woulda been so much easier without you, Bobby?
<Burton, about Hobbes “Is he like this a lot?”
Darien, “Yea, it’s near his medication time.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) And I suppose every time you get defensive it’s time for your shot!
<Burton, “There’s nothing wrong with my memory.”>
Lauren: I’d sing Memory from Cats, but I think I’d get shot.
Stacey: Is this turning into It Hurts all of a sudden?
Lauren: Seems to me that there’s something wrong with his acting.
<Burton, “Kids! Swing’s ready.”>
Stacey: Hey, uh...that was one really small screw.
Lauren: This should be fun to watch.
<Darien, “You have a couple of drinks after work, one things leads to another...”
Burton, “Hey look, my partner and I work a lot of hours to keep our company going!”>
Stacey: Oh whoa! What you do on your own time is your business!
Lauren: Besides, as I said, Stacey is the resident cheater here...right Darien?
Stacey: (glaring at Lauren) Let. It. Go.
<A man comes around the bushes, “Hey partner, carpools here.”>
Lauren: It’s Alan Alda!
Stacey: What time is it? He’s not even dressed! He’s working on a swing set for Gods sake! This makes no sense!
Lauren: Oh good, it’s not just me.
<Burton, “You got a card?”
Darien, “A card?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) I’ve got a few credit cards I pickpocketed a while back...
Stacey: Greeting card?
Lauren: Calling card?
Stacey: Gas card?
wishful: Guys, look I know you’re not exactly the most well-funded, best organized department, around, but really, can’t we have a LITTLE professionalism?
<Burton, “A business card.”>
Both: Oh.
<Darien, asking Hobbes, “Do we have cards?”>
Kitkat: (as Hobbes) You think I would be your freakin friend if you didn’t have a freakin card?
Adel: The Agency can’t even get them decent wheels. You think they’re gonna spring for cards?
<Hobbes, “We have cards, they’re being printed up actually.”>
Lauren: So the one he gave that guy in Tiresias was the last one apparently.
Stacey: Someone didn’t use Kinkos!
<Burton, “The Agency? What kind of Agency?”>
Stacey: A super secret government one that pardons ex-thieves and surgically implants bio-synthetic...
Lauren: OK! That’s not what he meant!
<Shot of Hobbes and Darien walking with Jones.>
Everyone: (like “Norm” from Cheers) Jones!
Adel: Oh look, it’s Jones. I was kinda hoping he was dead or something.
Lauren: Ten bucks he’s still a smarmy bastard.
Emma: Jonesy’s always got a bug up his butt the size of a Volkswagen!
Stacey: When did this turn into Ralph?!
<Jones, “You tell me why you need to know.”>
Stacey: I thought we covered all this in Impetus.
<Jones, “You can kiss my hypothetical.”>
Lauren: See? Smarmy bastard.
Stacey: Uh...I don’t want to kiss anything, but especially his hypothetical.
Lauren: Isn’t that the little dangly thing in the back of your throat?
<Darien, “So you think there’s any chance we could take a look at those files?”>
Joyce: Do you think there’s any chance Jones will turn purple in the next couple of minutes?
Stacey: (as Jones) Sure, you got two chances: Slim and none.
<Jones, “You to Bozos arn’t getting a look at anything?”>
Stacey: Not even your hypothetical?
Lauren: Woah! Hey, eeww!!
Stacey: Bozos?
Lauren: Jones must remember when Jessica painted all over Darien’s face...
<Jones, “We’re finished here.”>
Stacey: Wait, the eppys over already?
Lauren: (checking her watch) Hey, I paid for the full hour!
<Darien, “You should take yoga.”>
Adel: And study the Kabalah! And have babies before you get married! And then...oh, wait, that’s Madonna.
<Hobbes, “Come over to Fish and Game, we are a Zen organization.”>
Joyce: Being zonked out on meds helps too.
Adel: (assumes the lotus position) Ohm...
Lauren: One tends to be relaxed when one does nothing but hunt and fish.
<Shot of the FBI building.>
Lauren: Oopps, I think I switched to FOX. This must be X-Files...
Stacey: This eppy has more twists than my small intestine.
<Hobbes, “Look for open files.”>
Stacey: Or X-Files.
Lauren: Bite your tongue!
<Darien, “Well guess what, they don’t have a file marked “killings by people who’ve never met.”>
wishful: Well they SHOULD.
<Invisible Darien starts searching through some files.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Lindburg baby, Olympic bombing, JFK shooting, why Temptation Island is popular...
Stacey: Huh?
Lauren: They’re all unsolved mysteries.
<Hobbes, “We used to have a file called BFM.”
Darien, “Which stood for...?”>
Stacey: Bears Finding Mates?
Daniel: Basic Fighting Maneuvers?
Lauren: Buy Ford Mustangs?
Joyce: Burger, Fries and a Milkshake?
Daniel: Banana-Flinging Monkeys?
Stacey: Blind Fawkes’ Melon?
Lauren: What?
Stacey: I dunno...
wishful: Any relation to BEM?
<Hobbes, “Big Frickin’ Mess.”>
Lauren: Ah...sounds like my tax returns.
<Darien, “Do you know how to work a copy machine?”>
Adel: Do we need to tutor Darien in other things? Like operating a light switch and opening cans? Because I can really think of other things to tutor him in...
<Hobbes, “Every American knows how to work a copy machine!”>
wishful: Speak for yourself, those things are major pains in the arses...
Stacey: Well then maybe Darien’s not American.
Lauren: (as Hobbes) You communist garbage!
Stacey: (as Hobbes) Plus eat hot dogs and play baseball and watch TV!
<Darien, “It’s a Duplicator R3000.”
Hobbes, “That’s a good machine.”>
Stacey: Why am I not surprised Hobbes knows about this machine?
Joyce: He moonlights as a secretary?
Lauren: Because he can find a needle in a burnt down home and can pinpoint a crack/bang?
Stacey: Yeah, that’s why.
<Darien, about the copy machine, “Wow, neat.”
Hobbes, “Good, we’ll get the Official to buy you one for Christmas.”>
Stacey: With what money?
Lauren: (as Official) Hey Darien! Good news, we got you a copy machine! But you might not be getting any shots for a while...
<Hobbes, “Take the paper, slide it in. Just slide the paper in the side nicely, just slide the paper in the side nicely, right in the holder. Got it?”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Yeah, I put the paper in the top of the machine, right?
<Hobbes, “Start button, push the button, it’s the green button on top. Push. Go.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) OK, I’m pulling the red knob that says stop on the side here.
<Darien, “Hobbes, it’s jammed.”>
Stacey: Strawberry jam?
Lauren: Grape jam?
Stacey: I prefer marmalade myself.
wishful: Darien’s making ME feel like a technological genius!
<Hobbes, “Fawkes, it’s a Duplicator R3000, they don’t jam! How could you jam that?”
Shot of Darien opening the copier doors and we see several sheets of paper sticking out.>
Lauren: Uh...just like that, apparently.
Stacey: Is this scene not making sense to anyone else?
<Darien, “I just jammed it, now what do I do?”>
Daniel: Panic.
<Hobbes, “On the side of the machine, one side or the other, pick a side!”>
Stacey: There are four sides, it’s a three dimensional object.
Lauren: This sounds like the beginning of a card trick.
<Shot of the copier spewing paper everywhere.>
wishful: Hey, they did that in “Nine to Five”.
Stacey: Ah, the ol’ possessed copier routine.
*pause*
Stacey and Lauren together: The OOOOOOL’ possessed copier routine.
Lauren: Well, it’s not jammed anymore.
<A woman walks in to find the copy machine going crazy, spitting paper everywhere.>
Stacey: The machine’s gone QSM!
Lauren: (as woman) Someone call the Ghostbusters!
Akai: Once again Darien demonstrates to us his elite espionage skills.
<Woman, “Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas!”>
Stacey: Josh’s last name isn’t Thomas!
Lauren: What?
Stacey: Well that prop is obviously on the fritz, she should be yelling for Josh.
<Scene on Hobbes and Darien in the Keeper’s lab.>
wishful: Where’s that pink light coming from?
<Claire, “What does this have to do with me?”>
Stacey: I think Claire’s been in the lab too long, even she doesn’t know what’s going on.
Lauren: This eppy should’ve been called Perchance to Confuse.
<Hobbes and Darien name off some complicated sounding drugs.>
Stacey: Gezunheit!
Lauren: Say that three times fast.
<Darien, “Yes or no, we just need to know.”>
Stacey: No you don’t because if you’d...
Lauren: What are you doing?
Stacey: Sorry, habit.
<Claire, “Yes yes, the Marquand Clinic.”>
Daniel: So back in GOAC when she said “I’m always awake at four in the morning” she wasn’t kidding!
<Claire, “What could that possibly have to do with anything?”
Darien, “I got no clue.”>
Stacey: That makes two of us!
Lauren: Three!
wishful: Four!
Emma: Five!
Kitkat: Six!
<Claire, “While you two are off doing your uncanny Batman and Robin routine, I’m stuck here like a fish in a barrel!”>
Lauren: Holy quicksilver madness Batman!
Joyce: (as Claire) I want to be Batgirl and come with you!
Stacey: It’s more like I-Man and Hobbin, thank you very much!
Adel: Does this mean we get to see the boys in tights? Maybe wearing satin capes? Wham! Pow! Zowie!
<Claire, “My life is in your hands and I don’t trust you.”
Hobbes, “You’re going to have to learn to, Claire.”>
wishful: How can you say that? Now look what you’ve done, have you ever seen such puppy dog eyes?
Emma: I trust you Bobby!
Lauren: (as Darien) We could stick her in the straight jacket and lock her in the padded cell for a while. Only took me 49 hours before I had to trust her.
Stacey: Wasn’t she the one that originally said that trust works both ways?
Lauren: This must be a one-way street.
<Darien, “You know...scope it out. Case the joint. Get the lay of the land.”>
Lauren: Darien just wants to pull another heist.
<Hobbes, “It’s 10 o’clock in the morning, it’s a sleep clinic.”>
Joyce: So maybe people who work the night shift are there now.
<Darien, “So what do you wanna do?”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) The same thing we do every night, try and take over the world!
Stacey: Here’s a thought...INVESTIGATE the clues?
Lauren: Or...or...you could work on another case, maybe?
Stacey: Man, I wish my job was that easy!
<Hobbes, “I don’t know what do you want to do?”>
Akai: (as superbowl commercial) What are YOU doing?
Joyce: (as Darien) I want to get the gland out of my head, what do you think I want to do?
wishful: (in cockney accent) I don’t know, what do you want to do?
Stacey: (also in cockney accent) I don’t know, what do you want to do?
Lauren: (groaning) PLEASE don’t start that again!
<Hobbes, “Go bowling.”
Darien, “Bowling?”
Hobbes, “Yeah, we could go bowling.”
Darien, “You wanna bowl all day?”>
Lauren: They’ll have blisters on every single finger!
Stacey: I hear Darien can bowl a Dutch 200.
Lauren: Why do I feel like I’ve just entered the Twilight Zone?
Stacey: ‘Cause you decided to riff these episodes backwards.
<Darien, “As tempting as that sounds, I think I’m gonna go home and crash if I’m gonna be up all night.”>
Emma: Oh, I’ll go bowling and mini golfing with Bobby! Can you imagine how fun that’d be?!
Stacey: Uh...didn’t he just get to work? Now he’s gonna go home and go BACK to sleep?
Lauren: Can I have his job?
<Hobbes, “You know what your problem is, Fawkes?”>
Everyone: (together, as Darien) Yea, I’ve got a gland in my brain that doesn’t belong there.
Lauren: Someone needs to retire that question.
<Hobbes, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for you my friend.”>
Stacey: See? I TOLD you Hobbes said that!
<Darien, “OK, who said that?”>
Daniel: (as Hobbes) I said it about a minute ago, remember? I just said it, just now, remember?
<Hobbes, “It was Metallica.”>
Lauren: See? And *I* said it was Metallica!
Stacey: So technically we’re both right.
Kitkat: Bobby’s a headbanger?
Lauren: (singing) Men of five, still alive through the raging glow/Gone insane from the pain that they surely know.
<Shot of woman moaning and groaning in bed.>
Stacey: Hey! Who switched it to Playboy!
Lauren: So much for this being a family show.
Stacey: They said the move to 9pm would change things.
<Darien, invisible, opens a door to show a man sleeping.>
Lauren: Let’s see what’s behind door number one!
Joyce: Just your standard sneak and peek.
<Darien opens a second door to show a woman.>
Lauren: And here’s door number two...
Stacey: Is Darien searching for the plot?
<Then Darien opens a third door on the woman being “stimulated”.>
Lauren: And look at the dream prize behind door number three...OR you could take what’s in the box!
wishful: Is he just gonna go around opening random doors until you find something interesting?
Stacey: Hey, it works every time!
<Girl continues to moan while a technician watches her on a monitor.>
Lauren: I feel so dirty.
Stacey: The meaning of this episode is now as hard to find as God’s belly button.
wishful: Is that guy wearing a wig?
<Darien, “Who does the authorizing, Peewee Herman?”>
Lauren: Oh this is definitely NOT his Playhouse!
Daniel: (as Tech) Well usually yes, but he’s on Sabbatical right now, you can leave a message in his office if you want.
<Tech, “Electric stimulation.”>
Lauren: She’s doing the electric boogaloo?
<Darien, “Could you make that clearer?”>
Lauren: (as Tech) Not without bringing this to a climax.
Stacey: Eeewww...
<Darien, “Little clearer, I’m a med-school drop out.”>
Lauren: (singing to Beauty School Drop Out) Med-School drop out! No graduation day for you!
wishful: Hey, he ain’t playing Ed Tate anymore, peeps.
<Tech, “Mutual pleasure for everyone.”
Darien, “Not me.”>
Lauren: Or me.
Stacey: Me either.
wishful: Nope, not here.
Adel: Ew, Ick! Not me!
Everyone: Thanks Dave!
<Darien, “Then we’ll see how a few nights in a cell with Big Butch stimulates you.”>
Lauren: Apparently every single cellmate Darien ever had was named “Butch”.
Emma: (as Big Butch) I like this one, he’s purdy. I think I’ll call him Petunia.
Stacey: Isn’t that the same guy Darien once called his wife?
Lauren: I may never feel clean again.
<Darien glares once more at the tech before leaving.>
wishful: Oooh, if looks could kill...
<Shot of Hobbes asleep in the van, snoring.>
wishful: And you’re complaining about DARIEN’S snore?
Lauren: So much for backup.
Stacey: What backup? Darien was checking out a bunch of sleeping folk?
Lauren: Yeah, but what if they kill people in their sleep?!
Stacey: So I see how it is...Bobby Hobbes doesn’t bail on his partner, he just falls asleep on him.
Emma: All that mini golf and bowling really sucks the energy out of ya, right Bobby?
<There’s rain on the passenger window.>
Lauren: OK so let me get this straight...the only time it rains in San Diego is...AT NIGHT?!
Stacey: Darien’s usually asleep at night, he caught Mother nature off guard.
<Hobbes, “What’s happening?”>
Stacey: That’s what I’D like to know!
Lauren: Man you’re just tearing into this eppy ain’t ya?!
Akai: (matter o’fact) It’s raining.
<Darien, “You know the patients? They got them all hooked up to computers in there.”>
Lauren: They’re in the Matrix?
<Darien, “Did you know those impulses go both ways?”>
Lauren: So does trust.
Stacey: I need another mudslide, this is just painful!
Akai: Wait a minute...is it just me, or does Darien not have even a sprinkling of rain on him?
<Darien, “You think someone got inside the Keeper’s head and freaked her out bad enough to make her want to kill someone?”>
wishful: (singing) What’s that in the bread/it’s gone to my head...
Stacey: Shannon Kenny is John Malkovich in “Being the Keeper Malkovich”
Lauren: If John Cusak shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Darien, “Do you think that’s possible?”
Hobbes gives Darien a puzzled look.>
Daniel: (as Hobbes) It’s three in the morning, I’m too tired to think at this hour! I’ve been up all day bowling!
<Freaky images of a girl sleeping, running from a scary guy, whispering, a dog barking...>
Lauren: Suddenly it’s Nightmare on Elm Street.
Stacey: (singing) One two Freddy’s comin’ for you...
Adel: I think M. Night Shyamalan’s helping too...
Lauren: Or this is a really bad trip!
Emma: That thing looked like a tribute to Tim Burton!
<Claire jumps up with a gasp.>
Stacey: I think she just realized this eppy has no point.
Lauren: Man you’re just unleashing with both barrels tonight arn’t you?
wishful: And this is a very good reason to give up on sleeping.
<Shot of Darien opening a door and walking down a dark hallway...again. His outfit is...well...bad.>
Lauren: Did someone hit rewind? Is this the beginning?
Stacey: Are those pinstripes?
Adel: Ack! My eyes! WHAT is up with those pants?!
Lauren: I think Darien raided his grandfather’s closet.
Akai: Aagh, are those screws poking out from his shoulders?! Is he a cyborg now?
Emma: He looks like he just left a Brady Bunch garage sale!
Lauren: OK, would anyone else like to get in a comment about Darien’s clothes? I’ll hit pause!
<Claire is still in the same outfit.>
Emma: Should’t Claire be a little ripe about now?
Adel: Someone could at least bring her a change of clothes. Bobby could...uh...never mind...
<Shot of the two guards outside of the lab.>
Stacey: Hey, is that Denzel Washington?
Lauren: I thought it was Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Stacey: OK good, as long as it’s not Lawrence Fishburn.
<Claire, “Yes yes, it IS possible, but only remotely.”>
Stacey: What, finding the script?
<Darien, “Right, but the brain does emit electrical impulses like a computer, right?”
Claire, “Yes, that much is true.”>
Stacey: Welcome to biochemistry 101 in Lab...101.
<Darien, “And I know you can stimulate certain sections, saw this guy doing it.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) In fact he was doing it as he was doing it, if you know what I mean.
Stacey: Can we please never go there again?
<Claire, “With impulses, nothing else.”>
Stacey: Uh, as Mayor of Naughtyville I feel it’s my duty to say...
Lauren: No! For God’s sake don’t touch that comment!