Our cast of Riff-ers:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy)
Stacey (AKA R2)
Bob the Fish (AKA Bob the Fish) He has no lines, but he was in the room when the riffs were made. :-)
And so the show beings:
<A thief climbs to the balcony, stops, and turns back to the edge to look down.>
Lauren: “He must have forgotten his parachute.”
<The thief pulls up his ski-mask, showing us Darien Fawkes, our hero>
Stacey: “Look! It’s Fun Bobby!”
Lauren: “The pressure of staying on the wagon finally turned him to a life of crime.”
<Searching the apartment, Darien shines the light right into the camera.>
Lauren: “Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that thing!”
<Darien puts the flashlight in his mouth to shine on the safe he’s drilling.>
Stacey: “Oh don’t put that in your mouth honey, you don’t know what kind of germs are on those things!”
<Darien opens up a small case that is holding the plastic explosives.>
Lauren: “Check it out, it’s a bassoon reed case!”
<The credits continue with the funky music in the background.>
Stacey: “So, interesting theme music we have here.”
Lauren: “Yea, it’s the Rock/Techno/Pop button on my Korg keyboard.”
<Credits: Directed by Breck Eisner>
Stacey: “This is kind of a weird Disney movie, ain’t it?”
<Darien’s voice over “But that night, they kinda got together and bit me on it.” The lights come on and Old Guy walks out.>
Lauren: “Oh if that old guy bites his ass I am SO watching Comedy Central!”
<Old Guy gasps for breath, coming back to life, and we get a bit too close to his lolling tongue.>
Lauren: “Eeewww...”
Stacey: (as Old Guy) “Kiss me you fool!”
<We see Darien’s picture in the paper from the courtroom.>
Lauren: “Wow, you don’t get much more depressed looking then that.”
<Judge, “Death by lethal injection.”>
Stacey: “And I thought Judge Judy was harsh!”
Lauren: “I can just hear Gov. Bush jumping up and down with glee.”
<Judge, after a long pause after last line, “....sadly not being an option.”>
Stacey: (as Judge) “...I will be turning you over to the angry mob behind you to be torn limb from limb.”
Lauren: *snicker* “That’s one angry mob that would run after him for 5 feet and then fall over.”
<The Judge finishes his sentence and the courtroom erupts in a standing ovation.>
Both: “Encore! Encore! Sentence him again!”
<Darien pulls apart the pen from the courtroom, and starts using the parts on the inside to pick his cell’s lock.>
Lauren: “Damn, the last cool thing I did with a pen was break one all over my sisters favorite sweater.”
<Darien’s voice-over, “Well I prayed for a miracle, and for my sin’s He sent it.”>
Lauren: “So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all these years! You think if I rob a few people He’ll answer my prayers for a good reed?”
<Shot of Kevin for the first time.>
Stacey: “It’s Rick Morranis!”
<Shot of Kevin on the front of “Tomorrow’s Science” with the skull.>
Lauren: “Alas poor Yorik...”
Stacey: “Honey I Shrunk the Skull!”
<Kevin, “Well it beats hearing it over American On-line.”
Darien, “I’m on the Web?”>
Lauren: “Yea, there are at least four or five Prey sites...and I’m sure there’s a few for Fun Bobby.”
Stacey: “It’s AOL keyword: Cute Thief”
<Darien, “What’s this?”
Kevin, “It’s an option.”>
Lauren: (as Kevin) “It’s the list of options you can get with your cell. But I think you’d be fine with the basic model.”
<Kevin, “They agreed you got the shaft.”>
Lauren: “I thought Samuel L Jackson got that part!”
Stacey: “Who’s the baddest Cat Burglar ever to do CPR?”
Both: “FAWKES!”
Stacey: “That Fawkes is one mean mother...”
Lauren: “Shut yo’ mouth!”
Stacey: “Hey, I’m just talking ‘bout Fawkes!”
Lauren: “Then I can dig it!”
<Kevin, “Suffice to say it’ll involve some surgery.”>
Lauren: (as Kevin) “We’re going to make you stronger, faster...”
Stacey: “Wrong scifi show.”
<Kevin, “Look, I’m not saying it’s not a risk.”>
Stacey: (as Kevin) “There’s a chance you could either be shrunk or enlarged to gigantic proportions depending on the movie.”
<Kevin, “If you’re going to trust someone, trust me.”>
Lauren: “Unfortunately Darien is an X-Files fan and so he trusts no one.”
<The F&G van pulls up into the deserted complex on a bright sunny day.>
Lauren: “Wow, that’s a beautiful day. Too bad Darien’s gonna spend it all inside getting experimented on.”
<Darien gets out of the van, his shirt not tucked in very well.>
Lauren: “Someone needs to teach Darien how to tuck in a shirt.”
<When they arrive at the Hi-Tech lab, his shirt is pulled out even worse.>
Lauren: “What....is he slowly stripping?!”
Stacey faints at the idea, <THUD>
<The staff is shown, all lined up as if for inspection.>
Stacey: (recovering) “It’s Geeks On Parade!”
Lauren: (as a Drill Sergeant) “Drop and give me twenty you maggots!”
<Arnaud, “Next week I’ll be Xena, Warrior Princess.”>
Lauren: “Uh, if he shows up in that Xena outfit I am so switching to Comedy Central!”
<Kevin and Arnaud laugh, but Darien doesn’t join them, causing uncomfyness.>
Stacey: (whispering) “Vincent...hey that’s your cue to chuckle!”
Lauren: Don’tcha hate it when your joke falls flat like that?
Stacey: (as Arnaud) “Note to self, lab rat has no sense of humor.”
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “Note to self, tie lab rat down and force him to watch several seasons of Xena, Warrior Princess.”
<Darien catches Arnaud on trying to steal the Mark Twain quote.>
Stacey: “OK so he’s quoting Nietzsche and knows all about Mark Twain. Where did Darien learn to be a thief, while majoring in Literature at Cornell?”
<Darien, “I even like ABBA.”>
Lauren: “Crap, my admiration for this guy just dropped about 10 notches.”
<Arnaud grabs a huge honkin’ needle.>
Stacey: “Holy cow that’s the needle from the Amazing Colossal Man!”
Lauren: (as the Amazing Colossal Man) “What sins could a man commit in a single lifetime...”
<Darien is injected with the needle and passes out. Arnaud leaves him on the table and starts walking out.>
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “Well that will teach him not to laugh at my Xena jokes!”
<Arnaud re-enters in a full containment suit.>
Lauren: “Suddenly we’re watching Outbreak.”
<The camera pans over to show Darien is having the surgery.>
Lauren: (checking watch) “Wow, we haven’t even reached the first commercial break and already Darien’s been tampered with!”
Stacey: “And he didn’t even have time to get over the jetlag!”
Lauren: “Did Kevin tell him yet exactly what is going to be done?”
Stacey: “He’s gonna turn invisible.”
Lauren: “*We* know that, but we saw the previews. Darien didn’t.”
Stacey: “Oh he’s gonna be pissed when he wakes up and can’t see his funky hair.”
<Kevin beings to stick the gland into Darien’s head, making lots of squishy, mushy noises.>
Stacey: “Eeewww...gross!! It just slithered in there!”
<The camera pans in really close to Darien’s face.>
Lauren: (as Wayne) “Extreme close up! WWAAAAA!!!!”
<Darien’s voice over, as he wakes up from the coma and checks himself out in the mirror, “I’d been unconscious nearly three weeks.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “And yet my hair still looks great!”
<The spiders get released.>
Lauren: “Look, it’s Charlotte!”
Stacey: “Uh...and friends.”
<Darien begins to be enveloped by the quicksilver.>
Lauren: “He looks like he’s being hugged by that liquid metal Terminator!”
<Kevin, “We fit this rat’s brain with a gland, like the one we put into yours.”>
Stacey: (as Kevin) “It was easy enough to shrink one.”
Lauren: “You’re just not going to let that go are you?”
Stacey: “Well look! It’s Rick Morranis!”
<Darien checks out the cage with the now invisible rat.>
Both start a standing ovation.
Stacey: “For his next trick, Kevin will saw one of the nurses in half.”
Lauren: “And stick a gland in her brain.”
<Darien, “You take it out of my head right now!”
Kevin, “OK OK, we will. We have a few weeks of tests....”>
Lauren: “Apparently Kevin’s definition of ‘right now’ differs from everyone else’s.”
<Darien, “For cryin’ out loud you could have told me!”>
Lauren: “Thanks Jack O’Neill!”
<Darien, “Would you star-69 reality man?”>
Stacey: (as Kevin) “Uh, I didn’t pay the extra $15 for that feature.”
<Kevin, “I don’t trust it with anyone else.”>
Stacey: “Wow, looking depressed and pathetic on demand must run in the Fawkes genes.”
Lauren: “From normal to Hurt Puppy in 3 second!”
<Darien is watching a cheesy spider movie. Kevin, “Subject, however, does not appear to be responding to the usual stimuli.”>
Lauren: “Uh, watching Giant Spider Invasion is hardly the same as sticking him in a room full of tarantulas!”
<Kevin, “Suggest a new methodology.” and he walks off-screen.”>
Stacey: “Now Kevin is going to wait a few minutes, then sneak up behind Darien and scare him!”
<Darien is laying on a severally angled bed.>
Stacey: "So now he's Minbari? Quick! Call Delenn!"
Lauren: “OK what is keeping him from sliding off that thing? Velcro?!”
Stacey: “Oh God he’s shirtless!” she faints again, <thud>
<Darien, “Mira Sorvino...wait wait wait how’s she dressed?”
Kevin, “Like the little Mermaid.”
Darien turns invisible.>
Stacey: “Ah, little things you never wanted to know about your hero.”
Lauren: “Shouldn’t Darien be just a bit concerned that Kevin knew exactly what to say to turn him on?”
<The guard and nurse entered the room, kissing while music plays.>
Lauren: “Mel Torme...when you need some and you need some now!”
<Close up of the guard’s face.>
Lauren: “Look! It’s Antonio Sobato Jr.!”
Stacey: “Wow, this Pilot is just FULL of stars!”
<Kevin, “We have to think about premature visibility.”
Darien, “Premature visibility?”>
Lauren: “OK I am not touching that dirty joke!”
<We see short views of a few empty labs, empty computer room, an empty hallway...>
Stacey: “Security Camera Vision!”
<Darien’s voice over, “I had the sudden, horrible feeling another person was looking back. A stranger who had stolen my face.”>
Stacey: “Yea, that’d be Simon.”
Lauren: “Shhh! We’re not supposed to know about that yet!”
<While invisible and a bit insane, Darien runs down a few hallways to finally stop outside the “WOMEN’S SHOWER”>
Lauren: “So he’s the horny red-eyed monster?”
Stacey: (singing) “So he’s the red-eyed, one horned flying purple people...”
Lauren: “Shhh! Wrong monster!”
<Darien attacks Kevin in the shower.>
Stacey: “Woa! He just body slammed his brother!”
Lauren: “So in between learning how to pick locks and reading classic works of literature, Darien was watching the WWF?”
<Darien injects himself with the knockout stuff in the needle.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Dude, that’s some great stuff man...”
<Darien wakes up on the bed, Kevin runs over, and Darien checks to make sure he’s OK. The camera is shooting from directly over their heads down.>
Stacey: “Well now we know the Fawkes brothers don’t need Rogaine.”
<Kevin motions for Arnaud to leave him and Darien alone. Arnaud looks upset at being dismissed and turns to go.>
Lauren: (as Arnaud, muttering to himself) “Save his brothers life, use my knowledge for good, and once again I’m dismissed like an intern. Stupid Xena-hating smarty-pants...I’ll show them all!”
<Arnaud spends a few minutes downloading from the computer core.>
Stacey: “He must have taken that Sally Struthers Home Computer Course.”
<Arnaud, “This disk contains all the data on how to help me take the gland out of you.”>
Stacey: “You know I remember when that much information would take about 200 floppies.”
<Arnaud eats the computer chip.>
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “Mmmm...tastes like chicken.”
Stacey: “You know there are some people on that Survivor show who would call that lunch.”
<Arnaud uses the fire extinguisher to break the glass behind him.>
Lauren: “Whoops...uh, Darien is in front of you!”
<Arnaud knocks himself out, Darien is left holding the fire extinguisher, and the guard runs in and pulls a gun.>
Stacey: “OK, everyone all together now...”
Both: (with Darien) “Aw crap!”
<Kevin turns off the sound to the room where Darien is strapped to the bed so he and Arnaud can talk.>
Lauren: (as Darien in the background) “...and then the bastard ate it! Oh you’ll believe me when he starts downing bran muffins like crazy! Come on Kev! Don’t leave me here like this! My nose itches! Arnaud will make me watch Xena!!
<Darien, “The old I love Arnaud scam!”>
Stacey: “Starring Rick Morranis as Ricky!”
Lauren: “And everyone’s favorite double-crossing Swissman, Arnaud!”
Stacey: (whinny) “Oh Kevin, I want to implant the gland this time!”
<Kevin, “If Arnaud was stealing data how the hell could he possibly get it out?”>
Lauren: “Well now he’s gonna need an enema.”
Stacey: “Eeeww!”
<Arnaud plays table tennis with another scientist.>
Lauren: “Oh, well he’s no Billy Jean King.”
<Kevin consults another doctor about someone accessing the mainframe.
Other Scientist, “Give me a minute...”>
Stacey: (as Other Scientist) “Just let me get out of my Dungeons and Dragons game here...”
<A Doctor examines Darien, who is pretending to be asleep while he steals a pen.>
Lauren: “Hey, that Doc looks familiar...”
Stacey: “Yea...I can’t quite place him...”
<First Arnaud uses the pen as a knife to kill his tennis partner.>
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “See if I pay you that $10 I owe you now!”
<Then Darien starts to use the stolen pen to escape from his restraints.>
Stacey: “OK, I now have serious pen envy.”
Lauren: “I now have a new respect for my writing implements.”
Stacey: “Darien with a pen is like MacGyver with duct tape...he can do anything!”
<Arnaud, “Well it seems some joker put plastic explosives in the walkie-talkies.”>
Lauren: “Someone call Batman!”
<Arnaud walks in slow motion with the terrorists, signaling them to break off and attack.>
Lauren: “He’s using airline traffic control signals.”
<Terrorist is blowing up a building window by window.>
Stacey: “This guy really hates windows.”
<Darien, when he hears the explosions, “Aw crap!”>
Stacey: “I think ‘crap’ would be the least R-rated word out of my mouth in this situation!”
<Two terrorists attack a lab and kill everyone. They turn and look at each other.>
Lauren: (as one) “Damn we are GOOD!”
Stacey: (as other) “Shut up Gary, we were supposed to capture them!”
<As the Other Scientist erases the computer, Kevin attacks one with an ax.>
Stacey: (as Kevin chopping away) “This...is for crashing...during the best...solitaire game...ever!”
<Other Scientist, to Kevin, “I’ve erased all the data. Go! You’re the only other place they are stored!”>
Lauren: “Uh, not forgetting that gland sitting in his brothers brain of course.”
<Darien continues to struggle to escape from the restraints.>
Stacey: “The re-incarnation of Houdini, ladies and gentleman!”
Lauren: (as Vincent) “Hey Breck, are you sure I really had to be strapped to this bed?”
Stacey: (as Breck) “It makes it look real! Just keep working on it, we’ll wait till you get free.”
<A terrorist aims at scientists running on the other side of a plastic sheet, taking them down one by one.>
Lauren: “I’d be crude for me to make a joke about shooting ducks at a Fair game, right?”
<Huisclos shoots the Other Scientist.>
Stacey: “That’s the death every geek dreams of...shot down heroically protecting their data!”
<Kevin and Darien stop short when a terrorist enters the hall. Both say “Aw crap!” and Kevin pushes Darien out of the line of fire.>
Lauren: (as Kevin) “You stole that catchphrase from me!”
<Arnaud “Gentleman we have an unforeseen problem.”>
Lauren: “Hahaha! Get it?! UnforSEEN? A little pun for a little prick, right?”
Stacey: “Very little.”
<Kevin dies.>
Stacey: “And now a moment of silence please for Rick Morranis.”
<Arnaud, after hearing the guy on the walkie-talkie “Vienz!!”>
Lauren: “Did he just honk?”
<Arnaud, “Little prick!”>
Lauren: “So at the beginning when Darien was talking about famous thieves’ names, and what his was going to be...”
Stacey: “Darien the Little Prick?”
Lauren: “No!! God no...not in prison...not unless he *wanted* his pen pals playing doctor with him!”
Stacey: “Eeewww...”
<Darien drives away from the compound in the van, framed by a bright blue sky and the boot of a dead security guard.>
Stacey: “This looks like a scene out of The Stand.”
Lauren: “Apparently in Darien’s world there are no clouds.”
<The van flies down the deserted road.>
Both: (singing) “Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’! Keep that tan van rollin’....”
<Darien looked into the rear-view mirror to check and rub his eyes.>
Lauren: “Uh, Darien shouldn’t you be watching the road?”
Stacey makes tire-squealing noises.
Both: “AAAHHH!!”
<Shot of Eddie the Mammoth for the first time.>
Lauren: “Look! It’s Danny DeVito!”
Stacey: “He’s gonna hire Darien to drive a taxi.”
<Eddie, “I’m the one who took eight bullets out of Charlie Yaya’s hipocampus!”>
Lauren: “Was he alive when you were done?”
<Darien notices the human kidney’s and bottles of Bacardi.>
Stacey: “Dear God! Kidney’s on the rocks!”
<Darien mulls over the organs, thinks a moment, then grabs the X-ray and bolts.>
Lauren: (as Darien as the above happens) “I think...I might...just...RUN!!!”
<Closeup of the little photo of Darien and Cassey.>
Lauren: “Man that is one cheesy smile he’s got!”
Stacey: “That was back when Fun Bobby was still drinking.”
<Darien. “I’m...uh...in humanitarian aid.”>
Lauren: “Yea, the same way Robin Hood was...except without the giving to the poor bit.”
<Darien, in the first flashback with Cassey, “I gotta come clean here. I’m...I’m really...looking forward to seeing you again.”>
Lauren: “Strike one! Swing and a miss...”
<Darien, in second flashback with Cassey, “I don’t think you really know me.”
Cassey starts to go on about him being good, gentile, and not hurting her.>
Stacey: “Oh! Strike two! The count is full...bases are loaded...”
<Darien, in third flashback with Cassey, “I’m trying, you know. I’m really really trying.”
Cassey, “What are you trying to do, Darien?”
The scene switches to the courtroom.>
Both: “Strike three and he is OUT!”
<Cassey punches Darien, then slaps him, “Oh...boy that hurt.”>
Stacey: “Yea, well wait till she knee’s you in the groin, pal!”
<Darien, looking utterly depressed and pathetic, “Cas, I’m sick.”>
Lauren: “Damnit how does he do that on demand!? I try to give that Hurt Puppy look and people laugh in my face!!”
<Cassey, “This looks like you could have gotten it from Kinko’s!”
Darien, “Kinko’s? I got it from a doctor!”
Cassey, suddenly very snippy, “Fine. Let’s hear it from him then!”>
Lauren: “Wow, zero to bitch in one second flat!”
<Darien, “A con is for profit, I did that because...”
Cassey, “What?”
Darien falters.>
Stacey: “Male stereotype number three...they can’t say the word love.”
<Darien, “I swear on my brother’s grave I’m not playing games with you.”
Cassey, “Then prove it.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) “Well OK...but they haven’t buried him yet so there’s no grave to...”
Lauren: (as Cassey) “No not like that!”
<Darien turns around, trying really hard to turn invisible.>
Lauren: “He looks like he has to pee.”
<Darien jumps and turns around, “Ha!”>
Both snicker
Stacey: “Now there’s the Fun Bobby we know and love!”
<Darien looks down, notices he’s not invisible, looks up, then turns around to look at the door behind him.>
Lauren: “What’s the door gonna do?”
<Darien tries, but just can’t QS while in the hospital room.>
Lauren: “He needs a nurse to come in and start stripping.”
Stacey: “That made him visible!”
Lauren: “Well perhaps it works both ways.”
<Darien runs out of the hospital and slams into the side of the van in pain. A few seconds later and the pain is gone.>
Lauren: “So blunt trauma or the counteragent get rid of the pain I guess.”
<Darien’s voice over, “Their car was really cheep.”>
Stacey: “Yea well your wheels aren’t that high end either!”
<Darien wakes up with a start by one of those smelling salt things.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Football practice!!”
Stacey: “Must smell like Teen Spirit.”
<The office is shown and it’s very very long.>
Stacey: “They’re in a trailer.”
Lauren: “Man, they are gonna need megaphones just to have a conversation!”
<The Agency is shown to be under the Department of Fish and Game.>
Lauren: “Does that mean when they were done experimenting on Darien they were going to release him back into the wild?”
<Darien, “Well you know I don’t appreciate being kidnapped.”>
Lauren: “Dude, I think you got bigger problems to worry about.”
<After looking at the photo of Arnaud, Darien looks up at his “escort” while the Official and Eberts continue down the hall.>
Lauren: (as Darien, to guards) “Hi guys, you got any lines? No?”
Stacey: (as Darien, to Official and Eberts) “Hey! Wait for me!”
<Arnaud’s compound is shown.>
Stacey: “Meanwhile back at the ranch....”
<Security video’s of the compound are shown.>
Stacey: “The...uh...Bill Gates ranch...”
<The lab rat is shown, nothing but bones, blood and fur.>
Lauren: (as Ingram) “I knew I used too much acid!”
<Arnaud, looking at X-ray of the chip in his intestine, “Patience. It can’t stay in there forever.”>
Lauren: “Diarrhea is like a computer chip stuck inside you.”
Stacey: (as Arnaud) “Someone bring another bran muffin!”
<Arnaud, “No man can do enough for his brother.”>
Lauren: “Yea OK Cain...tell that to Darien and see if he believes it.”
<Arnaud is shown operating on himself.>
Stacey: “EEEWWW!!”
Lauren: “Oh jezzz...quick turn it to Comedy Central!”
<Computer screen shows “Disk unreadable!” and Ingram explains “Your stomach acids must have corrupted it.”>
Lauren: “So Klinger might have been able to eat that whole jeep!”
<Eberts, “We think your Arnaud de Theil is actually Arnaud de Fon.”
Darien, “The phone?”>
Lauren: “Well it’s better then Nicky the Alto!”
Stacey: “Or Darien the Little Prick.”
<Eberts, “We prefer to keep it...uh...”
Official, “Under the hoopa.”>
Lauren: “He didn’t put enough hock and spit in ‘hoopa’.”
<Official looks uncomfy and shifts in his chair.>
Lauren: “Diarrhea is like a storm...”
Stacey: “You can’t use that joke twice!”
<Darien laughs about Agency not telling others about the IM project.>
Stacey: “This must be one of those moments where you can either laugh or cry.”
<Official, “Excuse me? But who’s the one with his brain turning to Alpo?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “So that’s why that pack of retrievers have been following me all day!”
<Ten seconds of music and scenes of Mexico go by to establish the scene is shifting to Mexico.>
Lauren: “So...I get the feeling we’re in Mexico now.”
Stacey: “Really? What makes you say that?”
<Darien and the Spook see each other in the market.>
Lauren: (singing) “Strangers in the night...exchanging glances....”
<The Spook walks up in almost all black. He’s as tall as Darien, and has no expression on his face.>
Lauren: “Oh look, it’s David Duchovney.”
<Darien, the Spook, and then Hobbes play the find your partner with the cut up card game.>
Stacey: “This is like how we picked out partners for school projects in third grade.”
<Hobbes rubs his head and looks very distraught over the fact that Darien has no information on his raise.>
Lauren: “Uh oh, better duck Darien, I think your future partner is gonna go postal!!”
<Hobbes, “I wasn’t just in Beruit, I *was* Beruit!”>
Lauren: “He was a small city?”
Stacey: “Hobbes is the master of disguise! Next week he’s gonna be Chicago!”
<Darien, “Hobbes, my dog can pick a pocket.”>
Lauren: “Yea? Well my dog can open doors!”
Stacey: “My dog can sing the national anthem!”
<Darien turns to see two terrorists, one who stabs a melon with a large knife.>
Lauren: “Dear God NO! Not the cantaloupe!!”
<The two Canadian nationalists are shown kissing.>
Lauren: (as one) “Eh, you taste like bacon, eh.”
Stacey: (as other) “I love you ya hooser!”
<Hobbes, “It’s here.”
Darien, “You found it?”
Hobbes, “I haven’t *found* it. Fricken’ Agency doesn’t pay me enough for that crap.”>
Lauren: “Then how does he know it’s here?”
<Hobbes, “What are you, GS-2...GS-3?”>
Lauren: “Geeky Scientist?”
Stacey: “No, that was Kevin. It stands for Great Secret.”
Lauren: “Now that’s Darien right there. And Hobbes?”
Stacey: “Great Spy.”
<Darien, “Oh, *I* just blew our cover?”
Hobbes, “Yea, they just made us.”>
Stacey: “I thought nobody made Bobby Hobbes!”
Lauren: “What cover did they have to get blown in the first place?”
Stacey: “Certainly not the same cover those Canadian Nationalists had!”
<Darien turns to see the Canadian’s cocking semi-automatic weapons.>
Lauren: “She had that hidden down her bra.”
Stacey: “That can’t be comfy.”
Lauren: “No, but getting it out is fun.”
Stacey: “Why?”
Lauren: “*He* pulled it out!”
<Hobbes jumps over the counter to pull Darien to safety.>
Lauren: “Darien needs to work on his ducking from bullets skills. First Kevin, and now Hobbes have to pull him to safety!”
Stacey: “Well the poor guy has got to be running on empty about now.”
<Hobbes, “He’ll give you a satchel and a bottle...it looks like aspirin.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “It’s actually the microfilm!”
Stacey: “What microfilm?”
Lauren: “Sorry, I went James Bond for a moment.”
<Hobbes finally runs out of bullets after going though about 4 guns.>
Stacey: “Now he’s gonna pull a bazooka out of his pants.”
Lauren: “What, is he Gybrush Threepwood?!”
<Arnaud, “That would have been a good idea if those maple suckers hadn’t used him for target practice!”>
Lauren: “Hey! I’ll have you know we don’t suck maple, ya hooser!”
Stacey: “You’re not Canadian.”
Lauren: “I’m from Buffalo, I might as well be.”
<Eddie, “How’s your liver and your kidneys?”
The phone rings, Cassey, “Excuse me.” and she gets up and walks away slowly.>
Lauren: (as Cassey) “OK...I think...I’m going...to..RUN!!!!”
<Arnaud, “I work with the Central Intelligence Agency. The...CIA.”>
Lauren: “For the slow people in the audience, we’ll specify it’s the CIA.”
<Hobbes, on phone to Official in Church, “Listen you son of a bitch...”>
Stacey: “Hey hey!! Hobbes! You’re in a church, dude!”
<Hobbes, “Now listen to me you fat bastard...”>
Stacey: “Aw jezz he’s going straight to Hell now!”
<Cassey, “Why would he come down here?”>
Lauren: “Two words: Tequila Shooters.”
<Huisclos, to Cassey, “You’re very kind.”
Arnaud glares at him.>
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “No you can’t keep her!”
<We see the outside of the burger joint.>
Stacey: “Hmmm....looks like my college dinning hall.”
<Burger Guy, to Hobbes and Darien, “Are you him?”>
Lauren: “There’s two of them!”
<There’s a poster for “The Invisible Man” on the wall over the Burger Guy’s shoulder.>
Both groan
Stacey: “Next he’s gonna say the message is only for Claude Rains.”
<Scary music begins to play as Darien reaches into the spider cage for the message.>
Lauren: “The Burger Guy just turned on the Psycho Philharmonic.”
<Hobbes, “Let me tell you something I learned in a little playpen called Iraq.”
Darien looks up from reading the message and looks right into the camera.>
Both: (waving and yelling to Darien) “Quick! Run before he starts to tell the story!! RUN!!!”
<Arnaud and pals drive into his compound. The sky is clear blue and sunny.>
Lauren: “Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the weather is just perfect!”
<Huisclos, “You take the car and bring it around to the side and wait there. All right? Go go go!”>
Lauren: “Go Speed Racer, GO!”
<Arnaud leaves the house, walks around to the side, down the stairs, through a few hallways, and finally into the control room.>
Lauren: “We were just given the grand tour of the Hasenda.”
Stacey: “Arnaud was a real estate broker in a former life.”
<Arnaud, sitting down at the computer, “He’s on his way.”>
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “I’ve got just enough time to play some Snood before he comes.”
<Darien’s voice over, “My sanity was slipping like a brick on a frisco hill.”>
Lauren: “Like Tom Cruise in socks down a hallway.”
Stacey: (singing) “Slip sliding away!”
<Darien’s voice over, “My conscience was calling, and it was time to get the phone.”>
Both groan
Lauren: “He makes one more bad pun and I am *so* switching to Comedy Central!”
<Darien looks down at his watch and turns invisible.>
Stacey: (as Darien) “OK so it’s 2 o’clock now and...DAMN!”
Lauren: “I’m just dying to make a Ben Murphy joke right here, but I just can’t figure one out!”
<Arnaud, “His exterior temperature is minus 10 degree’s Centigrade.”>
Lauren: “That’s not that cold.”
Stacey: “What?!”
Lauren: “I’m from Buffalo, remember?”
<We see Darien in the thermal imaging.>
Stacey: “You know thermal camera’s always add about ten pounds.”
<Arnaud, to Darien over the intercom, “Good afternoon Mr. Fawkes.”>
Stacey: (as Arnaud) “Your mission today is of the upmost importance to the President.”
Lauren: (as Arnaud) “Your gland will self-distruct in five seconds.”
<Darien, “Nobody move of the gland get’s it!”>
Lauren: “So if you hold yourself hostage, are you the criminal or the victim?”
Stacey: “You’ve got a split personality.”
Lauren: “Oh. Well Darien can just plead Temporary Insanity anyway.”
<Darien, “I want them back!”
Arnaud, “Allez allez!”>
Lauren: “If he starts singing that Ricky Martin song I am so switching to Comedy Central!”
<Darien, “It’s a license to print money.”>
Lauren: “But you can only print $1.00 bills so it’s really not that profitable.”
Stacey: “And they’re Canadian bills, so the exchange rate sucks!”
<Darien falls to the ground, apparently headless.>
Stacey: “Icabod! No!”
<Ingram points to the grenade in his mouth.>
Lauren: “Explosive got your tongue?”
Stacey: “So instead of ‘Will you speak?’ Arnaud could have said ‘Spit it out’, right?”
<The syringe of counteragent is shown broken, all the liquid inside gone.>
Lauren: “It was just blue Koolaid, you can get some down the street.”
<Cassey, trying to inject Darien with the counteragent, “Hold still Darien, hold still.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Look my head feels like it’s about to explode, I’m holding as still as I can!”
<Darien’s voice over, “My partner found us a half an hour later, just in time to take all the credit.”>
Stacey: “Is that like showing up just for the final exam of a class so you can still get the credit?”
<Darien’s voice over, “As for ‘the phone’, they never did find a body.”>
Stacey: “All together now...”
Both: “SEQUEL!!”
<Darien’s voice over, “And me, you ask?”>
Lauren: (looking surprised) “I did?”
<Cassey, “We’ll just have to start from scratch.”>
Stacey: (as Cassey) “I always bake everything from scratch...making a gland can’t be that different!”
Lauren: “Is it me or does she sound a bit like Gilda Radner?”
<Darien, “Hey, you think...uh...maybe you and I can start from scratch?”
Cassey, “We’ll see.”>
Lauren: (bitter) “No we won’t.”
Stacey: “Shhh! We don’t know that yet!”
<Official, “Good afternoon, Mr. Fawkes.”>
Lauren: (as Official) “Your mission today is of the upmost importance...”
Stacey: “You can’t do that joke twice!”
Lauren: “They did that line twice!”
<Darien, “Lets say for the sake of argument I have a .45 in my pocket.”
Official, “I’d say talk to them.”
Two Spooks appear.>
Stacey: “Cuba Gooding Jr. and Michael Keaton!”
<Darien, “I’m not my brother.”
Official, pointing at Darien’s forehead, “No, but you got a piece of him.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) “Actually, it’s more like in the back of my head...”
Lauren: (as Darien) “Hey, watch the hair!”
<Official, “You can be more!”
Darien, “I don’t want to be more, I just wana be me.”>
Lauren: “Thank you John Crichton and Aeryn Sun.”
Stacey: (singing) “I just gotta be me!”
<Official, “Like my good ol’ Mom always said; anything done out of love is beyond good and evil.”>
Lauren: “So Arnaud is stealing Mark Twain, Mamma Official takes from Nietzsche ...jezz at least Darien gives credit!”
<Official and Darien walk away from the grave.>
Stacey: (as Official) “Hey kid, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.”
Lauren: “Or a trip to the rubber room.”
Stacey: “Shhh! We’re not supposed to know about that!”
<The Official and Darien keep walking as the credits start rolling.>
Lauren: (as Vincent) “Should we stop now?”
Stacey: (as Breck) “No! Keep going! I’ll tell ya when!”
Lauren: (as Vincent) “Are we even in the shot anymore?”
Stacey (as Breck) “Don’t worry, just keep going!!”
Bob the fish: (as Eddie) “Lets just keep going and grab a sandwich at the Deli down the street.”
Lauren: (as Vincent) “Sounds like a plan!”
The End...until Catevari :-)
...hey wait, BOB?!?!
