MiSTing: Liberty and Larceny
------------------------------
(Somewhere in Central NY, buried under several feet of snow, a small studio apartment is crammed full with IManaics who are preparing for the next round of MiSTing by discussing their favorite canceled sitcom)
Wishful: Gotta go with the Cosby Show.
Jenn: I always enjoyed Golden Girls.
Adel: Anyone remember Alf?
Armi: What was that one show with the guy who ended up on DS9?
Stacey: Benson!
Neko: And then there’s Michael J Fox’s old show...
Img: Facts of Life?
Lauren: No...he played the Republican...
Akai: Full House?
Adel: No that had the Olsen Twins.
(everyone shudders at the thought of the Olsen Twins)
Stacey: Hey, what about Three’s Company?
*pause*
Everyone: NAH!
--------------------------
Our Cast of Riffers, in the order they got riffs in:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): I miss Laugh In.
Stacey (AKA R2): Monty Python’s Flying Circus!
Jenn (AKA QSM): Oh going British are we? Red Dwarf!
Adel (AKA Adelheide): I miss the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
Armi (AKA Armitage): The Carol Bernett Show!
Wishful (AKA wishfulthinker): M*A*S*H
Neko (AKA NekoSama): I kinda loved the old Friars Roasts.
Img (AKA Iman_girl): The Smothers Brothers!
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): Fat Albert
Everyone: Huh?
And so the show begins...
<Darien’s voice over, “A Nobel prize winning smartass...”>
Stacey: Lauren! I didn’t know you won the Nobel prize!
Lauren: (whacking Stacey with her pillow) Now who’s being a smartass!
<Darien’s sitting in his car eating fast food.>
Lauren: Have it your way, right away, when your a secret agent.
<Darien’s parked in a handicapped spot.>
Stacey: That’s a $500 dollar fine right there.
Lauren: Having a biosynthetic invisibility gland surgically implanted onto your cerebral cortex that causes pain and madness can be considered a bit of a handicap.
Stacey: Well, when you put it THAT way...
<Darien’s voice over, “...named George Bernard Shaw once said that liberty means responsibility, and that’s why most men dread it.”>
Stacey: Silly me, here I thought most men dreaded commitment.
Wishful: That ain’t the only thing they dread.
<A cop knocks on the hood of Darien’s car.>
Lauren: (as Darien) No one’s home!
Stacey: Man, I hate it when they come in the middle of dinner!
<The cop looks down to see Darien’s legs are “gone”>
Lauren: Gary Sinise is Darien Fawkes as Lieutenant Dan!
Stacey: (at the same time as Lauren) Darien Fawkes now played by Lieutenant Dan!
(there is a pause as Lauren and Stacey look at each other)
Lauren and Stacey: JINX!!
Everyone else: Stop that!
Jenn: Hrm...I wonder if that cop knows you need at least one foot to drive...
<Darien’s voice over, “Try telling that to someone who’s been implanted with an artificial gland and subsequently inslaved by a government agency.”>
Lauren: Oh is that your excuse for everything?
Stacey: A Nobel prize winning smartass named...
Lauren: That’s not what he meant.
<Shot of Darien in the Official’s office. He’s wearing the infamous “Jerry” jacket and that orange shirt.>
Lauren: Uh, why is Darien wearing Jerry’s gas station attendant jacket?
Adel: (slaps her hands over her eyes) Ack! Ack! The orange shirt! Ack!
Stacey: OK calm down you two!
<The Official is yelling at Darien while Claire, Eberts and Hobbes all watch.>
Stacey: Hey, the gangs all here!
Lauren: This is like getting sent to the principals office while your parents are there!
<Official, “This Agency can no longer afford to deal with your reckless behavior”>
Stacey: This Agency can’t even afford to give poor Hobbes a calling card!
Lauren: Bit off more than they could chew, did they?
<Official, “Your misconduct with invisibility in particular has reached an unacceptable level.”>
Stacey: (as Scotty) Captain! We canna take this abuse much longer!
<Darien, “I was merely running a series of tests to perfect the...” he starts to laugh.>
Stacey: Man, remind me to never get Darien to lie for me.
Lauren: As a thief he sure sucks at it.
<Darien, “Come on! Would you guys lighten up? I’m just having some fun!”>
Stacey: (singing) Girls they wanna have fu-un....oh girls just wanna have fun!
Lauren: Darien’s a guy though.
Stacey: So? Same rules apply.
<Darien, “I mean, what’s it cost anyone?”>
Lauren: Besides your sanity?
<Eberts, “$87,260.32”>
Armi: (as Darien) That was a rhetorical question, Eberts.
Lauren: But that’s in Canadian, so it’s actually only about ten bucks.
Wishful: Dude, he really IS Spock! If he starts talking about how many tribbles there are, I’m leaving!
Stacey: Wow, that was my last grocery bill.
Lauren: Really?
Stacey: Went overboard on the blue koolaid.
Lauren: Hey wait, Mike got a line!
Everyone: YEA!!!
<Official, “Your fund uses a lot of counteragent. It’s not cheap to make.”
Darien. “You are the biggest penny-pinching...”>
Stacey: ...overbearing, beauracratic, chauvinistic...
Lauren: That was last week!
<Darien, “I’ve caught killers for you...”>
Lauren: Uh...by my count he only caught one so far.
Stacey: (singing) One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever know...
<Darien, “...I’ve bagged assassins...”>
Stacey: Paper or plastic?
<Darien, “...I’ve kicked some terrorist butt!”>
Lauren: Wait...terrorists? We miss an eppy?
Stacey: He must be talking about the Canadian Nationals from the Pilot.
Lauren: Uh, I thought they kicked Darien’s butt!
Stacey: Well technically Hobbes kicked their butt while they were kicking Darien’s butt.
Lauren: Well, Darien helped Hobbes escape...does that count?
<Hobbes, “Oh woah wait a second there Chosen One!”>
Lauren: Isn’t that what they call sacrificial victims?
Adel: You tell ‘im, Bobby!
<Official grins as Hobbes argues with Darien.>
Stacey: (as Official) Cat fight!
Lauren: (as Eberts) This is better than the soaps!
<Hobbes, “I’ve been doing half, if not MORE of the work and I’ve been visible doing it!”>
Lauren: (singing) He works hard for the money! So hard for the money! He works hard for the money and he’s visible doing it!
<Hobbes, “Anyone get’s a raise, it’s me!”>
Stacey: Don’t run before you can walk, Hobbes. Go for the calling card first.
Lauren: If he wants a raise, buy elevator shoes.
(everyone stares at Lauren in shock, then pelts her with their pillows)
<Official, “We’re making the reasons clear so you will understand the rule.”>
Wishful: The Official is now having delusions of Godhood...you’ll have to excuse him.
<Darien, “The rule?”>
Stacey: The Golden rule?
Lauren: The Universal rule?
Stacey: What good are the reasons if the rule is unclear?
<Official, “From now on you are to use quicksilver for sanctioned assignments only.”>
Lauren: Oh THAT rule.
Stacey: So dancing in a kitchen is out.
Lauren: Oh don’t start...
<Darien, “What happens if I need more then one shot to complete one of your frickin’ missions?”>
Stacey: That’s what happens when you put a gland in Fun Bobby’s head.
<Official, “Fill out the Counteragent Request Form.”>
Stacey: (as Official) In triplicate, front and back, while standing on your head.
Neko: If he goes QSM he’s not gonna bother to fill out the form.
Lauren: You know filling out a form might be a bit hard strapped in a straight jacket...
<Eberts hands the Counteragent Request Form to the Official, who hands it to Darien.>
Adel: Did Eberts get that from the file next to the Use the Bathroom Request Forms?
<Official, “Invisibility...responsibility!”>
Wishful: (singing) Conjunction junction...what’s your function?!
Lauren: Oh he was up all night thinking of that!
Stacey: Hey! He’s a poet and didn’t even know it!
Lauren: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Stacey: We already did that last week.
<Official, “Love it or loose it!”>
Lauren: For Darien...literally!
Neko: (as Darien) I’d love to lose it!
Stacey: Oh sure. What are they gonna do? Take the gland away as punishment?
Lauren: And kill Darien?
Stacey: WHAT?! (she faints) <THUD>
<Darien stands up suddenly, causing the chair to fly back into Hobbes. It makes a weird sound as it goes back.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Hey! Watch it! A rolling chair can be a deadly weapon!
Stacey: Did he just growl?
Lauren: I thought Hobbes was the little tiger.
<Darien tears up the Counteragent Request Form.>
Img: Give it to Eberts. He’s really good at shredding documents.
Lauren: (as JoshProps) No! I was up all night working on that prop!!
Akai: Considering the fact that THEY hold the counteragent...
<With a wave, Darien quicksilvers.>
Everyone: (waving back) Bye!
<Hobbes stands in the hall trying to figure out what way Darien went.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Which way did he go? Which way did he go?
<Shot of Darien’s apartment door opening.>
Stacey: (singing) Come and knock on our door, we’ve been waiting for you...
Lauren: What are you doing?
Stacey: What? I’m getting in the mood!
<Shot of the inside of Darien’s apartment, dirty dishes on the table.>
Stacey: Typical bachelor. That’s probably his only plate.
Lauren: Makes sense that his place matches his clothes. I’m not surprised.
<Darien carries a 6-pack of Corona into his apartment.>
Neko: Aren’t those different clothes then he had on before?
Lauren: Sweet! OK I can forgive the clothes when he’s got good taste in alcohol!
Adel: Well thank God he changed out of that orange shirt!
Stacey: Oooh, looks like Darien is going to change his whole lattitude!
Lauren: I got limes in the fridge!
<Darien looks through his mail.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Bills...bills...hey look, I can make all my debt disappear!
Stacey: (as Darien) Oh look, I may have already won 10-million dollars!
<Liz turns around in the chair to face Darien.>
Stacey: It’s Terri!
Lauren: If Mr Roper shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
Stacey: You know, most guys fantasize about coming home and finding women waiting for them.
Lauren: Yeah, but...it’s Terri.
Adel: (singing) Come and knock on my door...!
<Darien, “Liz?”>
Lauren: SO, Terri changed her name then?
Stacey: Darien obviously doesn’t startle easily. You’d have to pry me off the ceiling with a spatula at this point.
<Liz, “Two man job, one nights prep, one nights work.”>
Lauren: Man, thieves have a funny way of saying hello.
Stacey: (as Darien) Hello to you too, Liz. Long time no see. I’m fine, thanks for asking.
<Liz, “Your take home is 400 large.”>
Img: I’m sorry, did you say that was for here or to go?
Stacey: So...400 large...midgets?
Lauren: Chihuahuas?
Stacey: Circus clowns?
Lauren: Mimes?
Stacey: She’s being vague on purpose?
Lauren Wait...$400,000 for 2 nights work...say 8 hours a night...carry the 2...that’s $25,000 an hour!! Now THERE is my next gig!
<Liz, “We can play catch-up along the way.”>
Akai: ...ketchup?...What...what’s going on?
<Liz, “You in?”>
Stacey: Inside?
Lauren: In love?
Stacey: In pain?
Lauren: Insecure?
Stacey: Again with the being vague, maybe she has issues.
<Really long pause as Darien thinks about it.>
Stacey: I think Darien is wondering the same thing we were.
Lauren: I would too...I don’t want 400 large Chihuahuas in here!
Stacey: Lauren, one large Chihuahua in here would be too much.
Lauren: (glaring at Stacey, but otherwise ignoring her) Darien...$25,000 an HOUR!!
Stacey: It’s wrong! It’s evil! It’ll get him in trouble!
Lauren: It’s more money in 2 nights then I’ll make in the next 3 years playing oboe!
<The title credits begin with Darien’s voice over, “There once was a story about a man who could turn invisible...”>
Wishful: Hey R2, can you recite this backwards yet?
Lauren: Give her a few more days...
Stacey: (singing) There once was a story ‘bout a guy named Fawkes...poor two-bit thief who was sent to jail to rot...
Lauren: It took you 5 eppys to come up with that one?
Stacey: Hey, better late than never!
<Darien gets two beers out of the fridge while the Coronas sit unnoticed.>
Stacey: Wait...where’s the Corona?
Lauren: It’s just Terri, why waste the good stuff on her?
Jenn: (as Darien) I’ll save those babies for later, like after I regret ever thinking about what Liz has to say...
<Darien’s voice over, “You’re afraid if you linger, you’ll get busted.”
Shot of Liz.>
Lauren: (as Darien’s voice over) I mean, breasted...uh...I mean caught!
<Liz, to Darien, “You seamed to have filled out nice yourself. You lift a lot of weights in the pen?”>
Lauren: Yea, with his friends Hanz and Franz.
Jenn: Looking good is an understatement...he’s HOT! (makes sizzling sound)
Adel: Hamina hamina! And HOW, baby!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Liz, “You went up for life on a third strike rap. It was in all the papers.”>
Adel: And AOL!
Stacey: Must’ve been a slow news day if a two-bit punk thief busted for the third time makes all the papers.
<Liz, “How’d you get out?”
Darien, “Well, if you must know, I was pardoned by a secret intelligence agency who implanted a gland in my brain to turn me into a super agent.”>
Img: Do the words TOP SECRET mean anything to you?
Lauren: This weeks backstory is brought to you by Darien Fawkes. Backstory...hey, when you need to know!
<Liz, “You don’t wana talk about it, that’s cool.”>
Neko: (as Darien) But it WAS the truth!
Stacey: (as Liz) Sure, sure...and I’m Terri from Three’s Company...Oh, wait...
Lauren: (as Darien) Sweet! Forget lying! Telling the truth is the way to go!
<Liz keeps talking, sounding more and more like she’s from NYC.>
Lauren: She sounds more like an Italian NYC mob boss then a thief!
<Liz, “Old times...new crimes!”>
Stacey: Sheesh, this eppy is just oozing wannabe poets tonight.
<Liz, “Well I can’t tell you the details till I know you’re in for sure!”>
Lauren: She also won’t let you see the car or know anything about it before you buy it.
<Darien, “What is this, one of your master plans?”>
Wishful: Oh so she’s a megalomaniac out to rule the world, is she?
<Liz, “You’re not still pissed about the way we parted company, are you?”>
Armi: (as Darien) Well you DID leave me suspended over the jewel case while you got away...
Stacey: (as Liz) Look, it was called Three’s Company and we already had Jack...
<Darien, “Faster’s better.”>
Adel: Hold on there, hoss! That depends on what activity you’re talking about!
Stacey: (faints at the thought) <THUD>
<Liz, “It’s not tough, it’s touchy.”>
Stacey: (just getting up when she faints again) <THUD>
Adel: What the frell?
Lauren: Liz said “touchy” while talking to Darien.
<Liz, “It’s a job for hire, but I told them I’d need a partner and I’d be willing to go a 60/40 split.”>
Lauren: Is that like a 7-10 split?
Stacey: How about a banana split?
<Darien, “Why did you come back to me after all this time?”>
Lauren: To you?! Who wouldn’t!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Liz, “I need a good thief by my side.”>
Neko: Why are you asking Darien? He’s been caught several times.
Stacey: Oh...ouch...
<Liz, “Tell you what, you think about it. You give me a call at noon.”>
Img: Two o’clock, right.
<Darien checks out the phone number Liz gave him.>
Lauren: So this is classic “FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 555-0942”
Neko: Uh...any number starting with 555 is for information.
<Next day, Darien drives down the street in the same clothes as the night before.>
Lauren: *sighing* OK I’m just gonna assume he has 2 “barfly” T-shirts.
Stacey: Guess everything else was dirty.
Lauren: I hope he at least changed his underwear.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien’s voice over, about being a thief, “I missed the thrill. I missed the freedom.”>
Neko: What freedom? You were caught!
Wishful: Did you also miss the prison cells?
<Darien rings the door to “Open Sesame Enterprise”>
Lauren: I’m more of a fan of pumpernickel.
Stacey: No...not that sesame...
Img: Who runs this place? Ali Baba?
<Man’s voice, “Darien Fawkes, long time no see.”>
Stacey: That’s cause the man turned him invisible, now he be mis’rable...
Lauren: No more mudslides for you.
<Darien, “Yea, well there hasn’t been much to look at.”>
Neko: YOU are quite a bit to look at!
Lauren: Yea, give us a few eppys and there’ll be PLENTY to look at!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
(Lauren and Neko high-five)
<Darien’s voice over, “Back in Jr. High when most kids were joining the Glee Club I was learning how to drill safes and pick locks.”>
Lauren: But he was the most popular kid in school...ten bucks and he’d break into the school and steal next weeks exam.
<Shot of drill working on a lock in a vice.>
Lauren: Uh...why not just use a power saw and cut it off!
Adel: Look! Josh’s shoulder!
<Hobbes, into camera, “Fawkes, you wana tell him you know me please?”
Darien, “Aw crap.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) And don’t you call me a piece of crap!
Wishful: Ack! Attack of the giant nose!
Stacey: (as Darien) I have no idea who that guy is. I don’t know how he knows my name, I swear! He’s been following me around for days now, I think he’s lost.
<Shop Owner, “You know how much I don’t like heat around my place.”>
Img: Me neither, I prefer the cold.
<Darien, “What are you doing?”
Hobbes, “Nothing...I’m just here too. That’s all.”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) Oh look, your here too, what a coincidence!
Lauren: (singing) I was walking down the street when I thought I heard this voice say,
Say! Ain’t we walking down the same street together on the very same day...
<Darien, “Are you spying on me?”
Hobbes, “I’m not spying on you, who do you think I am?”>
Stacey: A bi-polar James Bond?
Lauren: The little tiger?
Stacey: The senior here to guide Darien through the woods?
Lauren: Harvey?
<Hobbes, “I’m not the 6-million-dollar screw up here, pal!”>
Stacey: No, but he has the 6-million-dollar dandruff (starts making bionic noises)
Lauren: Would you stop, please?
<Hobbes, “I’m the guy they send to watch that you don’t become a liability and you strolling into KMart for thieves over here doesn’t really help your case!”>
Stacey: He was just checking out the Blue Light Special on power tools.
Lauren: Hey, do you get 5-finger discount there?
Stacey: (as Darien) Hobbes, please, it’s Le Mart du K, and I wasn’t strolling...
<Hobbes, “You’re not a crook anymore, Fawkes. You work for the government.”>
(everyone snickers, Stacey laughs so hard she chokes on her mudslide)
Lauren: You know sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Insert your own “Politicians are all crooks” joke here.
Stacey: Hrm...perhaps Bobby needs to cut back on his meds?
<Hobbes, “Just know when you’re not at home with the Agency you’re gonna have a sweet little guardian angel floatin’ over your shoulder...”>
Neko: Hobbes with wings?
Lauren: Yea, but we know the devil always wins!
<Hobbes continues as Darien drives off, “...ready to kick your skinny little punk ass the second you step out of line, Fawkes!”>
Stacey: Hrm...I don’t think I can visualize Hobbes in a tutu.
Lauren: I was thinking more like a Hell’s Angel.
<Later Darien is now in...another outfit.>
Lauren: Well I’m glad to see he’s changed...into the same jacket and pants he had on YESTERDAY!!
Stacey: Uh, well...at least he changed.
Lauren: (groaning) Into what?! Is that a child’s jacket? And can’t he tuck in a shirt!
Adel: (shrieks again) My eyes! The orange shirt again!
Neko: That shirt needs a warning like “Don’t stare directly at this shirt!”
<Shot of Hobbes following and watching Darien.>
Stacey: (singing) I always feel like somebody’s watching me...
Lauren: Wait, now Hobbes didn’t change. Is this some kind of warped conspiracy to drive me mad?
<Liz, answering the phone, “Well?”>
Stacey: Deep hole in the ground with water in it!
Lauren: (as Darien) Do you ever just say hello?
<Liz, “Darien, I told you I hired out.”>
Lauren: (as Liz) So get in the car with the Domino’s Pizza Delivery sign on it!
<Hobbes tries to hide behind a tree while spying on Darien.>
Wishful: OK now that might work for a cartoon character...
Akai: Ah, Hobbes must have found a Lepidoptera larvae...or am I the only one who is distracted by a caterpillar on a nearby tree?
<Liz, “Trust me.”>
Stacey: Said the spider to the fly.
Armi: You know, coming from her those are the two scariest words in the English language...oh sorry, Sentinel moment...
Lauren: (as Mulder) But I trust no one!
Adel: NEVER trust someone who tells you to trust them.
Stacey: We need some creepy organ music here.
<Hobbes finds the van’s starter wires cut and Darien’s note, “Like Garbo said -- I want to be alone.”>
Wishful: So this was the opposite of hot-wiring a car.
Lauren: He just cut you out of the picture, Hobbes!
<Hobbes, “Son of a...!”
The shot cuts away.>
Lauren: ...preacher man?
<Darien arrives at the swanky mansion on a bright blue sunny day, a few thugs lead him in.>
Stacey: Last week on Beverly Hills 90210...
Lauren: Well at least it’s a lovely day to be kidnapped.
<Liz takes Darien’s arm, “Darien Fawkes...” there is a pause as Liz has to pull Darien forward.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Sorry...I’m uh...kinda cemented to the floor.
Stacey: (as Liz) You’ll be wearing cement overshoes if you don’t move!
<Darien stares openly at the other man.>
Stacey: So that’s what abject terror looks like.
Lauren: I doubt very strongly that “crap” is the word running through his mind right now.
<Liz, “...may I present John Castagnattchi.”>
Wishful: Is that a sexual position or an Italian opera?
Stacey: Hey! No quoting past eps when riffing the current one!
Wishful: Oh yea, since when?
Lauren: Funny, I was thinking some type of pasta...
<Shot of John Castagnattchi...from now on known as John because I just don’t wana have to type his last name for several pages!>
Lauren: It’s Mitch Pillegi!! No wonder Skinner hasn’t been on the X-Files, he’s been here!
Stacey: Well it IS Agent Fawkes!
<Darien starts breathing hard.>
Stacey: Easy Darien...watch that adrenaline level.
Lauren: Imagine Darien breathing that way with you!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Lauren: (snickering) I’m going for the record.
<Darien, looking a cross between star struck and freaked out, walks up to John.>
Lauren: That’s me, right there, if I ever get to meet the cast.
<Through the scene, Darien is smiling nervously at Johnny.>
Jenn: (sighing) I don’t know if I can take it anymore...he’s just too frelling good to look at!
<Darien, “You know what...you didn’t mention Johnny Books being the client.”>
Lauren: Wow, and I thought “Little Prick” was a bad nickname!
Stacey: Must’ve been a bookworm as a kid.
Lauren: Yea, while all the other mob boss children were stealing, fighting and gambling, John was working in the library.
<John, “Most of my people aren’t suited for...subtilty.”>
Lauren: You know he’s right...Mulder was anything but subtle.
<Darien, backing away, “I mean...you know...uh, you’re who you are and...well, and that’s cool! I respect that...it’s just, uh...I don’t think...”>
Lauren: Jezz someone take pity on Darien and throw him some Nietzsche or something!
Stacey: Man, Darien’s going into reverse so fast I can see the smoke from here!
Lauren: I’m surprised there isn’t a Darien-sized hole in the front door!
<John, disbelievingly, “Synergy?”>
Wishful: What? It’s a good word!
<Darien heads towards the gate, a large guard steps out and stops him.>
Lauren: (as guard) Where ya going...Jerry?
<Shot of Liz outside talking to Darien...we see her back.>
Stacey: Man, looks like somebody cut her hair with a weed whacker!
<Liz, “A long time ago I made a mistake.”>
Lauren: (as George Lucas) Close, but not quite.
<Liz, “I didn’t keep you as a partner. If I did, I probably could’ve retired a whole lot sooner.”>
Stacey: Yeah, by ending up in prison.
Lauren: Ouch! Jezz...
Stacey: What? Darien said himself he wasn’t a great thief!
<Liz, “Don’t penalize me for it.”>
Neko: He can penalize me anytime he wants!
(everyone throws their pillows at Neko)
<Liz, “I need your skills.”>
Adel: I bet you do!
<Liz, “I need you!”>
Adel: I BET you do!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien, “You know I have a couple of new tricks.”>
Adel: I just bet you do, baby!
Img: Tricks are for kids!
Lauren: (as Darien) Walking the dog, sleepwalking, rocking the cradle...
<Liz, “Yeah, I bet.”>
Img: (sighing) Once again, they’re promoting gambling.
<Darien hugs Liz.>
Wishful: (sighing) Oh why can’t I be her?
<Darien looks up from his hug with Liz to see John watching.>
Lauren: Oh that’s creepy, Skinner’s watching!
Wishful: (as John) How dare you steal her away from me! She’s mine!
Akai: (as John) Gah...I hate sappy scenes.
<Shot of Claire gazing wide-eyed into the piranha tank.>
Stacey: They’re called fish, Claire, they swim and live in water.
Neko: Wow...it’s TV for cats!
Wishful: (as Claire) I don’t remember that fish being there before...
Lauren: (as Claire) Well looks like I figured out how to recycle my old lab rats...man not even a bone left...
Adel: (as Claire) Hello Fluffy! Hi Poopsie! How’s my little Bon-Bon?
<Darien enters the lab, “Hey.”>
Stacey: (as Claire) No thanks, already ate. Get it...Hey? Hay? Stuff horses eat?
(everyone pelts Stacey with their pillows)
<Darien, “What’cha working on?”
Claire, “The answer’s no.”>
Lauren: What, is this Jeopardy?
<Darien, about the Official, “Oh come on, he was just blowing off steam.”>
Lauren: The Official’s a kettle?
Stacey: (singing) I’m a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout...
<Darien, “Hobbes was tailing me and I had to ditch him.”>
Lauren: Ah, ditch your partner. I used to play that on school field trips. Drove the chaperones nuts!
<Darien, “I am sick of being watched!”>
Lauren: Then you shouldn’t be starring in this really cool show!
Stacey: WHAT?! Are you insane? Bite your tongue!
<Darien, “Hey, could you explain something for me?”>
Img: Claire is really good at putting things in simplistic terms.
<Darien, “Now that I can go invisible, I can’t be let out of sight. Now how does that make sense?”>
Stacey: Because you’re an ex-con who repeatedly states how much he hates the Agency.
Lauren: Because out of sight out of mind is just not an option.
Stacey: Does that help?
<Claire, in answer to how that makes sense, “See it doesn’t need to.”>
Lauren: Yes it does. (yelling at the writer) That’s not an excuse!!
<Claire, “When you go invisible, the only person who can truly watch you, is yourself.”>
Stacey: And suddenly Claire is Socrates and Confucius wrapped up in Plato.
Lauren: Darien should love it then.
<Claire, “End of sermon.”>
Adel: Do we pass around the collection plates now?
Lauren: (as Claire) Now I’ll pass around the collection plate for next weeks counteragent shot, and we’ll all sing Queen’s “The Invisible Man” for our closing Hymn.
Stacey: And all the fans scream AMEN!
Img: I guess we need Ivy to recast Claire as a preacher.
<Hobbes moves several times to block Darien’s way in the hall.>
Stacey: (as Darien) Care to dance?
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Shall I lead?
<Darien, “I don’t appreciate a shadow.”>
Akai: (singing Moonshadow) Oh I’m being followed by a Hobbes-shadow...Hobb-es sha-adow Hobbes-shadow...
<Hobbes, “Fawkes, there’s no need for acrimony between us!”
Darien, under his breath, “Acrimony...?”>
Stacey: I’m impressed, that’s a ten dollar word!
Lauren: I had to look it up!
<Hobbes, “You cross over the line, you step on the wrong side of the law, and I will bring you down.”>
Stacey: (singing) I fought the law and the law won!
Lauren: Bobby Hobbes is the long arm of the law.
<Darien, “Thank you, that was beautiful.”>
Stacey: Yeah, a regular Kodak moment wrapped up in a Hallmark card.
<Hobbes, “I don’t need to follow you. I know all your little haunts.”>
Lauren: Oh I love that dance club!
Stacey: Huh?
Lauren: The Haunt...it’s this great club downtown...
<Darien, “Oh you do, huh?”
Hobbes, “I do!”>
Lauren: I now pronounce you partner and partner. You may ditch the cop!
<Darien sits down at the cafe with Liz.>
Adel: (as Liz) Who’s Jerry?
<Liz, “You’re late.”>
Stacey: (as Darien imitating the white rabbit) I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!
<Liz, “Professional is always...”
Liz and Darien, “Punctual.”>
Lauren: Like my Conductor always said...on time is late, early is on time.
<Liz, “I give you the Tennison Building.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Wow, and it’s not even my birthday!
<Liz, “The lobby’s a bitch!”>
Stacey: The lobby turned into a female dog?
Lauren: Just get a few golden retrievers to keep her occupied!
<Liz, “The main hallway supposedly has a few infer-red trip beams to give the place that Sharper Image touch.”>
Lauren: I always liked Bookstone better.
Stacey: Uh...anyone here get the feeling they should’ve done this planning oh, I dunno...INSIDE?!
<Liz, “We make them visible and play hopscotch down to the end office.”>
Img: (as Darien) I’ll bring the chalk.
Stacey: Actually, Darien makes invisible and does a nifty trick with the lasers.
Lauren: And you were doing so well with the spoilers...
<Liz, “We’re thieves, Darien. This is what we do, this is who we are.”>
Lauren: I know who you are, and I saw what you did!
<Darien, “Is that why you walked?”>
Img: No. She jogged instead.
<Liz, “You are still pissed?”>
Neko: Yes he is!
<Liz, “It had nothing to do with you!”>
Stacey: Liar!
Adel: You lying... (Adelheide rises from the couch to strangle Liz and has to be restrained)
Lauren: Guys? GUYS! We don’t know that yet! Hush!
<Liz, “I came back because of all the thieves I knew you were the only one I could count on.”>
Img: He has two eyes, one nose...
<Darien, “Nah. Nothing’s changed. Nothing.”>
Stacey: Well...except for the fact that you now work for the government and were the victim of an experiment that left a biosynthetic gland grafted to your brain and the tendency to go crazy every 6 days or so. Right?
Lauren: (as Darien) See? Nothing’s changed!
<Darien takes a sip of coffee from a huge mug.>
Stacey: (pointing) Hey! Josh snagged that from the set of “Friends”!
Lauren: Well, that IS Fun Bobby!
<John is sitting on his patio working on a computer.>
Adel: He doesn’t look so much like a mobster as he does an evil accountant.
<Guard, to John, “Darien Fawkes does not exist.”>
Lauren: (as John) That’s because the Masked Magician made him disappear! Now lets see how he did it....
Img: He lost his identity when he began working for the MIB.
<Guard, “He has the cleanest record for a thief I’ve ever seen.”>
Stacey: Can’t say the same about his place, though.
<John, “What I’m thinking about is Darien Fawkes.”>
Lauren: (singing) You’re always on my mind...
<Guard, “You think he cut a deal?”>
Lauren: Does blackmail count as a deal?
Stacey: Well, they certainly cut SOMETHING, but it wasn’t a deal!
<John, “Check your contacts and all those thieves in the business district.”>
Neko: What, they advertise?
Stacey: Thieves have a business district?
Lauren: Yea, it’s right next to Little Italy and China Town.
<John, “Get the inside track on him.”>
Stacey: And suddenly Darien’s a race horse.