Impetus MiSTing
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(Somewhere deep in the Central NY region, a by now familiar gathering of IMan fans is getting ready for the weekly episode Roast Of An IM Episode)
Lauren: Oh come on it’ll be fun!
Christy: I don’t know...
Lauren: It fits with the title of the show!
Stacey: It’s kinda cheesy.
Amanda: Can’t we just riff?
Lauren: Look you guys want any mudslides?
Everyone: Oh...OK!
Lauren: (grabbing the remote and pressing PLAY) OK so everyone tell us the reason you’re hear tonight!
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Our Cast Of Riffers, in order of when they got the riffs in:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): Because...this is my apartment.
Stacey (AKA R2): Because I liked to go <THUD>
Jenn (AKA QSM): I’m hoping for some quicksilver madness scenes.
Christy (AKA Fawkes-Fox): Well I hear we’re gonna get a name for the Keeper!
Amanda (AKA Gabumon): I hear we’re going to see Darien shirtless!
Armi (AKA Armitage): Sorry, not for a while. I’m here for...uh...the mudslides!
Img (AKA Iman_girl): Darien.
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): Hobbes.
Gina (AKA GinaS): The Official
(everyone pauses to look at Gina)
Gina: Oh uh...Eberts?
And so the show begins...
<Darien looks at the iguana in the glass cage.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Well the Keep didn’t tell me DarienTheRat would turn into this!
Stacey: Hey! It’s Louie the Budweiser lizard!
Lauren: If that ferrett shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Darien’s voice over, while looking at the lizard, “I think it was a Brit named Sir Robert Walpole...”>
Gina: Actually I believe it’s an iguana named Iggy.
<Darien’s voice over, “...who coined the phrase, ‘every man has his price’.”>
Stacey: Darien Fawkes, come on down! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right!
<Darien continues to look down to the baby mice....>
Lauren: (as Darien) Oh wait, looks like DarienTheRat was actually pregnant!
Stacey: Better change its name to Darienetta then.
Jenn: Awww...aren’t they cute!
<...and then over to the snake.>
Lauren: What is this, Wild America? Noah’s ark? How many lab animals does the Keeper need?
Stacey: (singing) ...the animals come marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah...
<Shot of the lab tray with the tweezers, the large hypodermic, and some dangerous looking clamp.>
Lauren: Could be worse, his new price could have something to do with that clamp!
Stacey: Hrm....I think Josh “used” a leftover prop from M*A*S*H.
<Darien’s voice over, “Imagine my surprise when I learned that my price had become a needle in the arm.”>
Stacey: Better than a needle in a haystack.
Lauren: Hey, Hobbes could find it, though!
<Darien’s voice over, “Hey, don’t get me wrong, I still have expensive taste.”>
Stacey: Couldn’t tell by looking at your clothes there, Darien.
Lauren: You tell it sister!
<Darien’s voice over, “Your tax dollars paid millions for me to get that needle.”>
Gina: Hah! My tax dollars couldn’t even afford one drop of that stuff!
Stacey: Hey! I thought it was to implant a gland in your brain!
Lauren: Isn’t that top secret?
Stacey: It was written all over the front of his file.
Lauren: Oh...right.
<Keeper, “Good morning.” She bumps into a chair reading some report.>
Stacey: Graceful as always.
Lauren: Josh was just being sneaky placing his props.
<Darien, “What’cha got there, a little murder mystery?”>
Armi: (as Keeper) Actually I’m beta reading a Fanfic.
Stacey: Nah, it’s Counteragent for Dummies.
<Darien, “No, I’m guessing words like ‘sweaty body’ and ‘love canal’ aren’t in your vocabulary.”>
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Lauren: Thank you Darien, now never say those words again.
Gina: “Love canal”? Darien must hide Harlequin Romance novels amongst his psychology magazines!
<Keeper, “I have a very large vocabulary.”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) My pronunciation is just a bit off, Dahrien.
Akai: (as Keeper) ...along with a 1600 on my SAT to prove it.
(Stacey goes to make a comment when Lauren points a finger at her)
Lauren: Don’t! Don’t even say it!!
<Keeper, “However there are certain sides of me you will never see.”>
Gina: (as Keeper) Like my insides!
Akai: (as Keeper) And I can speak in a poetic tongue, so hah!
Stacey: Until Darien sneaks into your home.
Lauren: Already with the spoilers?
<Darien, “Yea, I bet.”>
Stacey: (shaking her head sadly) Fun Bobby goes from drinking to gambling. Will the madness never end?
Lauren: Oh and YOU should talk about madness.
Stacey: Thanks OboeCRAZY.
<Keeper, “This is actually a computer printout that I’m sure you would find most boring.”>
Gina: It’s her horoscope in binary.
Stacey: (as Darien) No! I’d love to read your paper on the poisonous effects of the Australian dart frog.
Lauren: Really?
<Darien keeps bothering the Keeper, who is obviously intent on reading her printout.>
Akai: (as Claire) Ssshh...leave me alone! The butler’s about to be uncovered as the killer!
<Keeper, “OK, it’s a recombinant analysis of the DNA at 8P12-P11 on subject X-3.”>
Gina: Bingo!
<Darien, after thinking a moment, “OK I’m here for a fix. If this is a bad time...”>
Lauren: You figure his first question would be “Who’s subject X-3?”
Stacey: EbertsTheRat?
<Shot quickly shows a picture of a young boy and girl on the Keeper’s desk.>
Stacey: Too bad they’re not really hers.
Lauren: YOU need to stop that!
<Darien, “Why don’t you tell me something, Doc.”>
Stacey: (as Darien, sounding like Bugs Bunny) Nyeah, what’s up?
<Darien, “Why are you here?”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) Well the Buddhists would say that life is cyclical...
Stacey: (as Darien) You’ve been spending too much time with Hobbes.
<Darien, “You’re obviously smarter than your average Josephine.”>
Stacey: Or the average bear.
Lauren: (as Yogi) Hey, Booboo!
<The Keeper opens up the lab fridge door.>
Gina: Is that Reddi Whip in there?!
<Darien, “So the question I have is, what’s your counteragent?”>
Gina: (as Keeper) I have a vibrat...uh...I mean vitamins.
<Keeper, “You have a very warped perspective on this place.”
Darien, “Oh yea.”
Keeper, “The Agency isn’t some evil institution that blackmails people into doing it’s bidding.”>
Stacey: Yeah, not like the Teacher’s Union. (everyone gapes at Stacey) Oh wait...did I say that out loud?
Lauren: (as Darien) Really? Because there’s a little padded room down the hall that became my new home for two days till I agreed to help you out.”
Stacey: (as Keeper) You’re not still bitter about that, are you?
Lauren: (as Darien) Oh? You wana strap on a straight jacket and give it a try? See how long your bitter!
<Darien, “Really? Then I guess, uh, you wouldn’t mind giving me the formula for the counteragent so I could get the hell out of here.”>
Akai: (muttering) Ooh, subtle Darien.
<Keeper, “Don’t you think your situation is a tad more complicated then that?”>
Everyone: No.
Lauren: If Darien left there’d be no rapping towel scene.
Stacey: What?! (she faints) <THUD>
Lauren: (sighing) Oh this is gonna be a long eppy.
<Darien pears at the document, seeing the words “suffer great pain, then death.”>
Stacey: Suddenly Darien Fawkes is recast as Hamlet!
Lauren: (yelling) Ivy’s gone too far!
Stacey: You started it!!
<Keeper, “That document is none of your business!”>
Lauren: Well then why did you tell him what it was about!
<As Darien talks, the Keeper grabs him and practically shoves him into the lab chair.>
Lauren: Woah! Keep’s been watching a bit too much WWF!
<Keeper, to Darien, “Don’t be so egocentric, everything is not about you.”>
Lauren: Well the show IS called The Invisible Man....and without Darien you wouldn’t have a job...
<Darien, “Look will you answer the question? Is there something wrong with the gland?”
Keeper, “I have answered the question.”>
Armi: You think they’d learn ‘answers’ like that are the main reason Darien gives them so much grief.
Stacey: (as Scarborough) Ours is not to question, but to serve.
Lauren: For the love of everything holy do NOT go there!
<Darien, “What do you know about the Keeper?”
Hobbes, “Keeper?”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Keeper? I don’t even know her!
(everyone throws pillows at Lauren)
<Hobbes, “It’s that accent, eh? It’s exotic.”>
Stacey: No, it’s confusing.
Lauren: It’s British.
Stacey: It’s Australian.
Lauren: It’s British!
Stacey: It’s Australian!
Lauren: It’s BOTH! It’s a floor wax AND a desert topping!
<Darien, “OK your scaring me now, Hobbes.”>
Lauren: Took him long enough. Hobbes scared me in the Pilot!
<Hobbes, “My advice, resist.”>
Lauren: Resistance is futile...she has the counteragent.
Stacey: OK Locutus...
<Darien, “It just occurred to me that she’s got my life in her hands, I don’t know a damn thing about her!”>
Stacey: (singing) She’s got the whole world in her hands, she’s got the whole wide world in her hands...
<Darien, “For example, does she have a name?”
Hobbes, “The. Last name, Keeper.”>
Stacey: Wow, uncreative parents. Bet she was tormented as a child.
Lauren: You know with a name like that you have to become an evil scientist.
Stacey: I’d kick my parents’ butt if they called me “The”
Lauren: At least it flows well.
<Hobbes, “How many times have I tried to tell you that being an intelligent operative is a need to know occupation?”>
Lauren: Woa...Catevari flashback dude!
<Darien, “Am I the only one the Keeper keeps or are there other kepts?”>
Gina: Say that 5 times fast!
Stacey: Oh yeah? Well she sells seashells by the seashore!
Lauren: Yeah, but can you do that backwards?
<Darien, “And what kind of doctor is she really?”>
Gina: Isn’t it a bit late in the game to be asking that question?
<Darien, gesturing to his head, “I mean is she the best qualified to deal with...with my...”>
Akai: Hair?
<Hobbes, “Need to know!”
Darien, “Hobbes, this is the person that decides if I live or...suffer in great pain and die. I think I need to know.”>
Lauren: Personally I don’t think I’d want to know.
Stacey: Really?
Lauren: Yea...it’s like in college how you’re not supposed to room with your best friend in case you fight and suddenly the dorm is a war zone. Darien and the Keeper get to know each other...have a fight over some personal difference, and suddenly she “forgets” the counteragent.
<Hobbes, “No you don’t because if you’d need to know, you’d know. But they decided you don’t need to know, so you don’t. So stop thinking about what you don’t know because you don’t need to know what think you need to know about!”>
Lauren: Ladies and gentleman, give Paul Ben-Victor a hand!
(everyone applauds)
Armi: (whistles) Try saying that three times fast!
Stacey: I can do that backwards.
Everyone: We know!
<Hobbes, “Enjoy the ignorance my friend. It’s bliss.”>
Gina: When combined with Litium it is!
<Hobbes walks away, to the right. Darien turns around and Hobbes reappears to walk off to the left.>
Lauren: (as the Director) No no no! To the left...the LEFT!
Stacey: (as PBV) Sorry...I was so happy to get that speech out...
<Darien’s voice over, “I think the Keeper’s starting to like me. See I know that ‘cause she finally gave me a key to her place.”>
Lauren: Or she just got sick of you breaking in every other day.
Stacey: The price you pay when you hire a thief.
<Darien’s voice over, “Now what the Keeper should be worried about is my curiosity.”>
Lauren: Ah...Darien the Cat!
Stacey: Like his nickname from the Pilot?
Lauren: Yea, as in Curiosity Killed Darien the Cat.
Christy: Or the lab rat...
<Darien’s voice over, “Especially when it involves a document about someone...who may well be me...suffering in great pain and dying.”>
Lauren: I don’t think it takes a person with a lot of curiosity to want to know about a document that says that about them!
<Keeper, to snake, “Hello Lucinda. Excuse me.” She moves a rock.>
Lauren: Guess the Keeper ran out of Agency names to torture.
Img: Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?
Jenn: (as Lucinda) OK OK! Just don’t move my rock...DON’T! Man, I told you not to! I needed that there to keep these wood chips in here from moving out of sequence! Do you have any idea how hard it is to move wood chips when you have NO appendages??
<Under the rock is a hidden button the Keeper pushes.>
Stacey: Ah HA! So they’re not just used for experiments after all!
Lauren: Is it red on black friend of Jack or red on yellow friend to fellow?
<Keeper leaves, Darien follows quicksilvered, causing the door to open twice.>
Lauren: (as Keeper) I gotta get that door fixed.
Stacey: (as Keeper, not turning around) Darien stop following me!
<The Keeper gets out of a very nice green SUV.>
Stacey: Well, no WONDER Hobbes has to drive that crappy van!
<Shot of Darien hunched down in the car watching the Keeper.>
(Lauren makes whining, puppy dog noises)
Gina: (as Darien) I’m sure I dropped a quarter down here somewhere.
<The Keeper heads for Gloria’s family, all carrying grocery bags.>
Gina: Let me get this straight...this father and his two teens go grocery shopping together? What dimension is this?!
<Darien, “Claire? Maybe Gertrude, or I don’t know...maybe Hortez, but Claire?”>
Lauren: I was betting on Pearl Forrester m’self.
Stacey: Claire’s a fat girls name.
Lauren: Thank you Breakfast Club.
<Father, “Keith threw a 40 yard touchdown.”
Keith, “He exaggerates, more like 30.”
Kelly, “More like 20!”>
Lauren: Do I hear 10? 5?
<Another shot of Darien in the car watching Claire.>
Lauren: You know Claire should know better then to leave her Invisible Man in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day.
<Claire continues to interact with the family.>
Stacey: (gagging) If these people were any sweeter I’d be a diabetic.
Lauren: I’m waiting for June Cleaver to appear with Wally and the Beav!
<Kelly, “But it’s for your eyes only!”
Claire, “Right, my eyes only.”>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Those pictures are need to know!
Gina: Yeah, sadly the photos aren’t “scratch and sniff” so you can’t use your nose.
Stacey: (singing) For your eyes only, and only for you...
<Claire pulls into her parking lot, a meter at the spot.>
Gina: Don’t you hate it when your landlord insists on installing parking meters for a little extra cash?
Stacey: That’s a lot of quarters!
<As Claire walks to her house the door to her car opens and the alarm goes off.>
Lauren: (snickering) Oh smooth move Darien.
Img: Quick Claire! The car thief is getting away!
<The alarm continues to blare as Claire shuts the door.>
Lauren: (Bronx accent) Hey! Keep it down out there!
<Claire enters her really nice home.>
Stacey: (whistling) Wow. First Fogerty’s Keeper and now Claire, no wonder the Agency was so under funded!
Lauren: And yet another TV character has a better place then I do.
<Claire, “Pavlov? Where are you little one?”
A small dog bounces down the stairs.>
Lauren: Oh I bet she has a cat named Schrodinger too.
Img: It’s Lassie!
Christy: Hey, what did she do to Toto?
<Claire picks up Pavlov, all the while talking to him in a high pitched mushy voice.>
Lauren: (as Pavolv) Can it Lady and let me outa here, I haven’t crapped all day!
Img: (singing) How much is that doggie in the window...
<The closet door opens and Darien looks out.>
Img: Make sure to de-quicksilver your head this time!
<Darien’s voice over, “Being a guy that can turn invisible is a lot like being an alcoholic.”>
Stacey: Ah, Fun Bobby speaks.
<Darien’s voice over, “OK maybe it’s a bad analogy.”>
Lauren: (as script writer) Hey! No add-libbing from the actors!!
<Darien’s voice over, as he ducks behind the couch, “It’s a good thing I’m pretty good at remaining invisible without actually being invisible.”>
Lauren: (as Claire) Darien what are you doing lying on my floor?
<Claire, in that obnoxious voice, “And Mommy has a treat too!”
Darien, mockingly, “And Mommy has a treat too!”>
Lauren: OK everyone all together now...
Everyone: (in high pitched voices) And Mommy has a treat too!
Img: (singing) Pavlov ain’t nothing but a hound dog...
<Claire carries Pavlov up the stairs.>
Lauren: (as Pavlov) I’ve got four legs, let me use ‘em!
Img: (still singing) There was a Keeper with a dog and Pavlov was it’s nameo...P-A-L...
Everyone: OK already!
<Claire sits down with a Twizzler in her mouth and begins to read the document.>
Img: Hurry Darien! Run down to the kitchen and find her secret candy stash!
Stacey: Twizzlers makes mouths happy!
Lauren: You just made a bunch of guys happy with that statement.
<Pavlov starts barking at where Darien is hiding.>
Stacey: And Toto is on the case.
Lauren: (as Claire) Kill Pavlov! Kill kill!!
<Darien grabs Pavlov by the muzzle and runs downstairs.>
Lauren: OK let me tell you if I tried that I’d have dog sized bite marks all over my hand!
Img: (as Pavlov) Help! This guy is ruining my fur coat!
<Darien feeds Pavlov a treat.>
Amanda: Ah yes, the old “bribe the dog with Scooby Snacks so he won’t bark” routine.
<The dog licks Darien’s face.>
Stacey: (raising her hand) Can I be recast as Pavlov just for that scene!
Gina: The director is thinking “Thank God this dog likes the strawberry jam we smeared on Vince’s face.”
<Loud rock music begins to play from upstairs.>
Lauren: Green Day! No...wait...
<Darien looks upstairs in confusion at the rock music.>
Lauren: Probably expecting Kenny G. (she shudders)
<Claire starts unbuttoning her shirt so you can see her bra while dancing.>
Lauren: (standing up to block the TV screen) OK kids, it’s time to have a nice moral discussion on sex and violence in shows that...
(Everyone throws pillows at Lauren to get her to sit down)
Amanda: OK this is a bit out of character...
Img: What exactly did she have for dinner?
<Darien’s voice over, “What was that, that the Keeper said? That there were sides of her I’d never see?”>
Lauren: Well if you see any more of her you’re gonna loose that PG rating!
<Claire walks to the bathroom and lowers her robe.>
Gina: Well I’m glad you bothered to put that robe on for an entire 30 seconds.
<Darien tries to concentrate on the form, but he keeps looking in the mirror to see Claire showering.>
Lauren: (as Darien) Find out if I’m going to suffer in pain and die...or watch the Keeper naked...
Jenn: Darien! That’s not very nice! I don’t think you’ll get a hug today...
<Darien, “You know how in cartoons they have the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other? Well I try, I really try, to listen to the angel. But somehow with me, the devil always wins.”>
Amanda: (as the devil) Turn around...or even better look in the mirror! (as angel) Don’t turn around...don’t look! You’re already spying on her and trespassing in her house!!! Not to mention bribing the dog with Scooby snacks!
<Darien, looking up as dramatic music is cued, “Lab 2?”>
Lauren: Dear God...LAB 2?!
Stacey: What?
Lauren: Oh...I uh...thought it was a dramatic revelation.
<Lab assistant is shown in a gray shirt and dark gray tie.>
Lauren: Lab attire from the Regis Philben collection.
<Claire, “Well can you blame her?”
Justin, “Mmhmmm...”>
Gina: You’re supposed to say “NO” Justin!
<Gloria is shown for the first time.>
Lauren: Look! It’s that old lady from “Titanic”!
Img: (singing) Every night in my dreams...
Stacey: Actually I thought it was Drew Carey’s mean old female boss!
Lauren: What’s her name?
Stacey: Uh...Drew Carey’s mean old female boss?
<Claire gives the pictures to Gloria.>
Lauren: (as Gloria) Oh aren’t little Leo and Kate growing up so fast!
<Claire, “Kelly looks more and more like you.”>
Lauren: (as Claire) And less and less like her father...those gene therapy treatments are starting to work!
<Gloria, “They needed a woman in their lives.”>
Gina: Yeah, especially the boy. He’s going to wear out his Playboy magazines!
<Gloria, “I’m just afraid it will be in a pine box.”>
Stacey: What? Is she still stuck in the old west?
<Claire, “Gloria, this is an important to me as it is to you.”>
Gina: Uh, Claire? Reality check...she’ll DIE without the antidote, you’ll simply get a new project.
<Claire kisses Gloria’s forehead.>
Lauren: Probably tastes like mothballs.
<Darien’s voice over, “That’s funny, I never thought of the Keeper as having a mother.”>
Gina: Someone needs to explain to Darien where babies come from.
Stacey: Then what did you think? That she was a pod person?
Lauren: Oh, the black and white version of that movie was great!
Stacey: I preferred the one with Keifer Sutherland better.
<Darien’s voice over, “Bottom line is, I found what’s keeping Claire at the Agency. Which means maybe, I found my way out.”>
Armi: Darien puts two and two together, only to come up with twenty-two.
<Darien ponders the relationship Gloria and Claire have while Claire leaves.>
Lauren: Uh...Darien? You wana stop pondering for a moment and follow Claire out the door before you get locked in with Rose over there?
<General Grimmond and Justin meet at a hot-dog stand with strange bottles on the top.>
Lauren: What are those...alcohol? Get a shot with your hot dog!
<General, to Justin, “Tell me she’s dead.”>
Stacey: (as Justin) She’s dead.
Lauren: (as General) Now tell me I look like James Bond with these shades on.
Stacey: (as Justin) You look like James Bond...
<Justin, “Not yet, sir.”>
Gina: (as General) What part of “Tell me she’s dead” didn’t you understand?
<General, “You have kids, Callum?”
Justin, “Yes sir.”
General, “You care about them? Their safety?”>
Lauren: (as Justin) No...I’ve been waiting for one to fall down a well for weeks now...
<General, “Callum, I make my presentation to the Joint Chiefs next week.”>
Stacey: So...he needs a dead body why?
Lauren: Show and tell?
Stacey: Now that’s just plain nasty.
<General, sounding more southern by the moment, “There are people out there threaten’ that safety!”>
Lauren: (as a southern choir) Amen brother!
<Justin, “Sir, if we wait just a little bit longer the natural course of her disease is going to kill that woman with no interference from us.”>
Lauren: (singing) Wait just a little bit longer! Oh won’t you wait just a little bit more!
<General, “You have three days for nature to take it’s course.”>
Lauren: That’s a long time to sit on the toilet.
Gina: Or you could try Exlax.
<Justin watches the General leave, his hair is really spiky.>
Lauren: Wow...you could poke and eye out on his hair!
<Darien rounds the corner headed for Lab 2, two drinks on a silver platter.>
Lauren: Look how well he’s carrying that tray. Vince must’ve done a stint as a waiter.
Stacey: Ya think?
Lauren: Hey, all us professional artists did the waiting tables gig!
<Darien offers the drinks to the guard.>
Lauren: Beware invisible men bearing gifts...especially when offered on a silver platter.
<The guard enters the lab.>
Lauren: Anyone else think he looks like The Rock?
<Darien’s voice over, “I always believed in the saying one good turn deserves another.”>
Gina: Hey, so did my drivers Ed teacher!
Stacey: (singing) To everything turn, turn, turn...
<Darien’s voice over, “I scratch your back, you scratch mine.”>
Stacey: (jumping up) Any time you’re ready Darien! Any time you’re ready!
Lauren: (pulling Stacey down) Oh sit down will you please?
Stacey: (glancing at Lauren) You trying to sound like Hobbes on purpose?
<Darien’s voice over, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”>
Lauren: Of course that last one takes on a whole new meaning with Darien.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Lauren: (looking at Stacey sadly) Perhaps this explains why she’s crazy, she’s hit her head one too many times.
<The guard is knocked back off his feet, falling to the floor.>
Stacey: It’s amazing what a well placed bar of soap can do.
<Gloria looks at the knocked out guard, then gets up and starts heading for the open door.>
Lauren: (as Gloria) Man the life boats I am abandoning ship!
<Gloria wacks guard with the silver tray.>
Img: Ah-ha! It was the human experiment, in Lab 2, with the tray!
Stacey: Whoa...I just flashed back to the Gong Show!
Lauren: Looks like Gloria spent a lot of her time in the lab watching the WWF with Claire!
Jenn: Watch out! It’s Guerrilla tactics Granny!
Gina: He should have paid more attention during the ‘surprise attacks’ portion of his TRAYning.
<Claire, “Her name is Gloria.”>
Lauren: (singing) In Excelscies Deio...
<Darien, “I did not know the Agency was in the business of holding prisoners.”>
Stacey: What about you!
Lauren: Darien is more of a hostage.
<Official, “We’re not, it was a unique situation.”>
Stacey: So, in other words, u-neeked up on it? Get it? Unique?
(Stacey is pelted with pillows)
<Darien, to the Official, “And you got egg on your face ‘cause she got away.”>
Gina: Which Eberts promptly washed off for him with a nice warm cloth.
<Hobbes, “Yeah, how’d that happen?”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Oh it was great. I went invisible and knocked out a guard. It was beautiful....what?
<Claire, “Actually she’s 35, and she’s a trained combat solider.”>
Lauren: So that’s what Rose did after the Titanic...
Stacey: 35 eh? I suppose saying that the years have not been kind would be an understatement.
Lauren: Of gargantuan proportions.
<Claire, “She’s the victim of an experiment that went bad.”>
Everyone: Dun Dun DUN!!!!
Gina: I think we can safely crown her “Queen of Understatement” now.
<Claire, “She’s carrying around a rare version of a disease called...”
Hobbes, “Werners Syndrome.”
Everyone looks at Hobbes in surprise.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) See? Mr. Invisible over there isn’t the only one who watches The Learning Channel!
<Darien, “Yea, well why do I sense this old lady’s in the unnatural state?”>
Gina: This is just a guess here, but perhaps it’s because Claire just mentioned she was part of a botched experiment?
<Claire, “Anyone who comes in contact with Gloria is at risk. A kiss...blood...”>
Stacey: Uh...if I remember correctly, didn’t Claire lay one on the old lady?
Lauren: Maybe she’s immune.
Stacey: Well I suppose when you have ice water in your veins it’s hard to...
Lauren: Be nice...
<Darien, “Wait...you’re telling me she’s contagious?”
Claire, “I’m afraid so.”
Hobbes, “Oh God...”>
Lauren: Bet Hobbes is wishing he was back to working cases where he didn’t need to know stuff.
<Claire, after checking Darien’s tattoo, “What did you do?” Darien nervously glances around.>
Gina: (as Darien) I’m sorry, you’re going to have to be more specific. What did I do last night? When I was in the fourth grade?
Img: (as Darien) Uh...can I use a lifeline?
<Claire, “An eighty-year old woman didn’t knock out two agents, YOU did!”>
Armi: (as Darien) Hey, I only knocked out one of them.
<Claire realizes Darien let Gloria go. Darien tries to deny it an fails miserably.>
Lauren: For a thief he doesn’t lie very well.
<Claire, “Do you have any idea of the mess you caused!”>
Lauren: (as Claire, motherly) You are going to clean up your own mess young man!
<Darien, “I mean c’mon, I did over hear you promise to get her out.”
Claire “When?”>
Lauren: Oopps...
Stacey: Open mouth, insert foot.
<Claire, “All right I’ll give you a booster, but only so you can get out there and fix your mess!”>
Img: (singing) Bounty the quicker picker upper! Cleans messes fast!
<Claire walks away, Darien pauses looking depressed for a moment.>
Lauren: Ah yes, Hurt Puppy Look #4. I still wish I could do that.
<Justin meets the General on the street corner, “General Grimmond sir.”>
Lauren: (as Justin) You should look into getting an office, sir.
Stacey: And miss out on the wonderful San Diego weather? Land where it never rains?
<General, “What happened?”>
Lauren: Well in the beginning the universe was
created. This made a lot of people
angry and was widely considered a bad move...
Armi: I don’t think that’s what he meant.
Stacey: Bruce Willis is really dead, Tim Curry was Mr. Boddy and Taylor Durden was...
Armi: That’s not what he meant either!
<Justin, “I’m afraid Gloria escaped, sir.”>
Gina: (as Justin) I’m also afraid of men with big muscles, sleeping with the lights off, and grasshoppers.
<Justin, “I never knew you were at the IID sir.”>
Img: If he says ‘sir’ one more time I’ll scream!
<General, “I wasn’t, but that fat idiot opened a file on my couter-bio weapons unit so I called in a favor.”>
Img: Excuse me! He’s referred to as the fat MAN!
<Justin, “What do you want me to do, sir?”
General, “On Tuesday I’m proposing a plan to the Joint Chiefs.”>
Lauren: (as General) I want you to send flowers to them all to butter them up.
Gina: They have chiefs in charge of marijuana in the government?!
<As the General continues to outline the plan, a police siren sounds in the background.>
Img: Ooo! Sounds like a police chase! Turn the camera!
<General, “How do you think that might color their opinion for further human testing, hm?”>
Img: Color it bright orange!
<General, “You will replace the antidote with a placebo.”>
Stacey: And suddenly General Grimmond is recast as Luke Lawson.
Lauren: (glaring at Stacey) Are you physically unable to keep secrets?
<Gloria’s family is having a water fight outside.>
Lauren: Welcome to White Bread Land.
Jenn: (as kids) Dad! You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that sponge!
Gina: This is a Stepford family, isn’t it?
Stacey: It’s amazing. I didn’t think this family could get sickeningly sweeter. Hate it when I’m wrong.
Lauren: Blech...saccharine overload.
<Gloria arrives and everyone stops to look at each other.>
Lauren: Ouch...awkward moment!
<Father, “May I help you?”>
Stacey: (as Gloria) I’m looking for Drew Carey.
<Father, to Gloria, “Do you need help with something? Maybe some money?”>
Img: I’ll take some!
<Father, “Do you want me to call someone for you?”>
Stacey: (as Gloria) Yes. 867-5309, ask for Jenny.
Lauren: Not another 80’s flashback!!!
<Gloria, “Please, just enjoy the children!”>
(Uncomfortable silence)
Stacey: I’m not touching that comment.
Lauren: Good idea...me neither.
<Father, very leery of Gloria says to his equally concerned children, “Come on guys, let’s go inside.”>
Gina: Their reaction stems from a traumatizing event in their past involving a little old lady, her cane and the last remaining box of corn flakes in the store.
<Gloria, “Do you know...” she pauses.>
Gina: The way to San Jose?
<Father, “Gloria was my wife.”
Gloria, “Was?”>
Lauren: (as Father) She died on a ship investigating the Titanic.
<Gloria, “Ben, don’t believe everything your told!”>
Stacey: And suddenly we’re watching the X-Files!
Lauren: If the Cigarette Smoking Man shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Ben, “How did you know my name?”
Gloria, “I know much more then that.”>
Stacey: (as Gloria) It’s in the script.
Gina: (as Gloria) For example, I know you have a mole on your right buttock cheek!
<Ben, “Answer my question, how do you know my name?”>
Stacey: (as Gloria) Uh...the other actors told me.
<Hobbes is putting on a Haz-Mat suit.>
Gina: The latest in quality clothing for the fashion-minded secret agent!
Stacey: And now we’re watching Outbreak.
Lauren: Didn’t we use that one already?
Stacey: Yeah, in the Pilot. But we can use it again ‘cause the statute of limitations on that riff ran out.
Lauren: Oh.
<Hobbes, to Darien, “Haz-mat suit! You’d be wearing one too if you had any brains.”>
Lauren: But then how would the next plot point happen?
Stacey: Shhh!
<Gloria, “Always remember I love you!” she runs off.>
Lauren: (as Ben) Rose! Promise me you will live!
<Darien, shouting, “Hey! Don’t touch that lady!”>
Gina, “So much for the stealth approach!
<Gloria bites Darien on the hand.>
Lauren: Don’t bite the hand that’s capturing you!
Stacey: Hope Darien had all his shots.