MiSTing: Frozen In Time
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(In a small studio apartment in Central NY, 11 IMan fans are settling in to riff the show they love.)
Emma: Let me just get my pillow, my Coca-Cola, and my kitty Willow and I’m all set!
Stacey: So we’re watching Frozen in Time tonight...we realy should decide on what to call that woman.
Jenn: What woman?
Lauren: The special guest in tonights eppy.
Akai: Kate?
Stacey: No no...the one from Ghost of a Chance!
Armi: Claire?
Lauren: The GUEST star!
Joyce: That secretary?
Stacey: No that MAJOR guest star!
Sarah: Oh, the girl working for the internet company!
Stacey: Oh for cryin’ out loud!
(Giving up, Stacey sits down and presses PLAY on the remote...)
--------------
Our cast of Riffers, in the order they got their
riffs in:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): Well I just like to call her Helen.
Stacey (AKA R2): The EWSWFH...the Evil Water Spitting Woman From Hell!
wishful (AKA wishfulthinker): Fire Hydrant Woman!
Jenn (AKA QSM): I enjoy Tsunami Sue!
fawkesie (AKA fawkesieladyandEd): Aqua Mama!
Sarah (AKA thursdayschild4): La Llorona.
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): Mermaid!
Emma (AKA IManHobbes): The MTV chick!
Armi (AKA Armitage): Water woman!
Joyce (AKA InvisibleMom): Hose Mouth!
Daniel (AKA Kimpire): Hot.
(everyone looks at Daniel)
Daniel: What? I’m a guy! She’s hot!
(Daniel is pelted with pillows)
And so our story begins...
<Darien is browsing a flea market for clothes.>
(there’s a pause, then everyone bursts out laughing)
Stacey: Oh Lord...
Lauren: Well now we know where he gets his wardrobe from...and now we know where to drop the bombs.
<Darien puts on a southwestern style jacket while cheesy western movie music plays.>
Lauren: (as Tonto) You look like dork, Kemosabe.
wishful: *snort* But you’re still cute...even in fringe...
Joyce: Giddey up, Cowboy.
<Darien spins around to “shoot” himself in the mirror, “Bang!”>
Stacey: Watch it! That finger might be loaded!
fawkesie: (as Darien, in a gangster voice) Do you feel lucky, punk?
Emma: (clutches heart and falls over) Ooh ya got me! Billy the Kid strikes again!
Lauren: This isn’t fair!
Stacey: What?
Lauren: How am I supposed to make fun of this when Darien’s just asking for it like that?!
Jenn: (as the person nearest the mirror) This guys needs some therapy...
<Darien takes off the jacket.>
Lauren: Yea Darien, just put the jacket down and back away slowly.
<Woman, “Aren’t you a bit grown up to be a cub scout?”>
Lauren: He’s earning his merit badge in Bad Fashion.
Stacey: (singing) I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys R Us kid...
fawkesie: Well SOMEONE his size had to be a cub scout, otherwise he wouldn’t be looking at that jacket.
Sarah: That’s one big cub scout...
Lauren: I bet Darien used to put the special herb in the Cub Scout brownies.
<Darien “Well I’ll have you know it’s never to late to follow in the ways of Akela.”>
Armi: Who?
Joyce: How does Darien know about Akela? Was he a Cub Scout?
<Darien, holding up the cub scout jacket, “Look at that.”>
Lauren: I don’t want to!
Stacey: Hey, at least it doesn’t say “Cubby” on it.
wishful: OK we really do know where he got the gas station attendant jacket now, don’t we? ...wait a sec, you’re from Indiana, how’d you get out of joining the Cub Scouts?
<The Woman gives Darien a look, rolls her eyes and moves on.>
Stacey: Hey Lauren, I didn’t know you got a roll on this show!
Lauren: If I was a self-insert, that’d be me right there...that chick!
<Darien glances around nervously, at one point looking into the camera.>
Stacey: (holding up her hands) Don’t look at me, I like your wardrobe.
Lauren: His spidey sense must have tingled or something.
Stacey: (singing) I always feel like somebody’s watchin’ me...
<Darien’s voice over, “OK, now one of the downsides of hanging with Bobby Hobbes is that you sorta develop....” he pauses.>
Stacey: A rash?
Lauren: A cough?
Stacey: Cold?
Lauren: Fever?
Stacey: Could you be a bit more vague?
<Darien, continuing, “...a sense of paranoia.”>
Lauren: That and you start calling people ‘my friend’.
<Darien picks out an orange shirt.>
wishful: What IS it with you and orange shirts?!
Stacey: Darien, put the shirt down and back away slowly.
Lauren: Isn’t one tacky orange shirt enough?!
Emma: Crimeny, sometimes I think JoshProps throws in the orange shirts just to get us to bitch.
(pause)
Joyce: Uh...I like that shirt.
fawkesie: Oh, yes Darien get that one! (she pictures his other orange shirt and faints) <THUD>
Lauren: Well to each his own I guess.
<Darien glares into the mirror.>
Stacey: I think he heard us.
Lauren: Good, maybe he’ll take the hint and change his wardrobe.
<Darien’s voice over, “On the other hand, like Henry Kissinger said, ‘Even paranoid people have enemies’.”>
wishful: It’s not paranoia when the Universe really IS out to get you. Now did I say that originally or did someone else? Sorry, now I’M quoting.
<As Darien walks towards the truck, a guy walks past in an...interesting hat.>
Lauren: Is that guy wearing a lamp shade from Pier One?
<Kate, “You have to help me!”
Darien, “Ok I will...what’s up?”>
Lauren: I wouldn’t agree to anything till you know what you’re getting into.
wishful: Note how VV’s curly sideburn is particularly curly today.
<Kate, “I didn’t know where else to go!”>
Sarah: (as Kate) Yeah, it’s not like I’m some brilliant scientist or something...oh wait...
<Kate, “They’re gone.”
Darien, “Who?”>
Stacey: First base!
(Lauren whacks Stacey with a pillow)
<Kate, “All of them, they’ve disappeared.”>
Lauren: She being vague on purpose?
Stacey: So apparently Kevin was handing out glands willy nilly then?
<Kate, “I’m afraid I’m gonna be next.”>
Stacey: Oh, you promise?
Lauren: Can you take the Mermaid with you?
<Kate, “You gotta help me!”>
Stacey: (as Darien) The only thing I gotta do is pay taxes and die.
<Kate and Darien sit in the Official’s office.>
wishful: If her shirt goes any lower...never mind; I won’t say anything.
<Official, to Kate, “No more quantum computers!”>
Akai: (as Official) And that’s an order, young lady!
<Darien, “It’s an internet computer.”>
Stacey: So...Kate works for AOL now?
<Official, “...and by her coming here she places not only you but this entire Agency in Jeopardy.”>
Stacey: Final Jeopardy?
(everyone starts humming the Jeopardy theme)
Lauren: If Ashley Judd shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
Daniel: You’d get more money on Wheel of Fortune.
Lauren: You’d think the Official would love it if he could get funding off of game shows.
<Darien, “And the worst part is you can’t figure out how any of this is gonna benefit the Agency.”>
Lauren: I guess protecting the welfare of the American people doesn’t count.
Stacey: You mean it’s not the overly tiny top Kate’s been squeezed into?
<Darien, “There’s someone out there. Two of her co-workers are missing, I’m thinkin’ kidnapped...and the third went into hiding.”>
Akai: Well then, there’s no one out there, is there?
Stacey: Doesn’t kidnapped usually constitute “missing”?
Lauren: I guess that’s why he carries the shiny badge.
<Darien, “You see what I’m sayin’ here?”>
Stacey: Poisoned...babies...what?
Lauren: Gezzz...cut that out!
<Official, “So what’re we supposed to do?”
Darien, “What do you mean what’re we supposed to do?”>
Stacey: (as Vince) Didn’t you read the script?
Lauren: (as Eddie) Line!
<Official, “It was either a safe house or the electric bill!”>
Lauren: C’mon Darien, three days out of the week you can’t flush your toilets, remember?
Stacey: His safe needs a house?
Lauren: Judging by how dark that office is, I would’ve guessed they went with the safe house!
<Official, to Darien, “I’m sure she’d be very safe in your house.”>
Stacey: Yeah, until Aquamama tracks her down and...
Lauren: I’m just gonna start whacking you!
<Kate, “Oh no, I couldn’t Darien.”>
fawkesie: You know as well as I do that inside she’s jumping for joy. I mean if I was offered the chance to stay with Darien I’d be jumping for joy too!
<Darien, “How ‘bout a couple of guys to keep an eye on her, that’s the least you can do, right?”>
Lauren: Uh...he’s asking a guy in charge of a financially strapped Agency what the least he can do is?
Stacey: Perhaps it was rhetorical?
<Official, “Oh no....no I can do much, much less.”>
Lauren: Perhaps less is more.
Joyce: (as Darien) Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.
Armi: And then they wonder why Darien’s not that crazy about working there.
Emma: The Official sounds way too much like my Dad in this scene.
<In Darien’s apartment, Kate refolds a red tanktop while Darien gets something out of the fridge.>
wishful: I take it back, she appears to have a shirt that DOES go lower!
fawkesie: Hey...did he steal that fridge from the lab?
<Kate, “I was just scrunched down in my seat in the fetal position.”>
Lauren: Bet that made the person next to her real comfy.
Stacey: I don’t think that’s how you are supposed to sit in airplane seats.
Lauren: Not unless you’re crashing...then you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!
<Darien, “That’s what friend’s are for, right?”>
Stacey: (singing) C’mon baby that’s what friends are for.
Lauren: Not bad.
Stacey: Thanks, I like Streisand.
<Darien starts chopping onions.>
Akai: He cooks? He cooks! He looks like he’ll slice off his fingers any moment now but he cooks!
Lauren: Now I know this is make-believe! There is no way Darien could be single in real life.
<Kate, “I’m really tense from the flight, mind if I stretch?”>
Sarah: (as Kate) Then I thought I’d do some seductive dancing, change into something a little more revealing, and then take it off again out here. It really helps me relax.
<Darien, “Go ahead, knock yourself out.”>
Stacey: Literally, please.
Lauren: I got a hammer right here.
Daniel: Wouldn’t knocking yourself out hurt?
<Kate starts stretching.>
Daniel: Oh great, gratuitous sex scene alert...<THUD>
(both Lauren and Stacey groan)
Stacey: When did this turn into Cinemax?
Lauren: I dunno, I like to be in comfy clothes when I stretch.
<Kate, “Yeah, Hit-o-rama”
Darien, “What’s that?”
Kate, “Oh, it’s an Internet code name for security reasons.”>
Armi: Considering some of OUR handles, I don’t think we can comment on this one.
Akai: You know, I once read a murder mystery like that. Bunch of people acquainted over the internet, got together, no one knew each other’s real background or names...but they uh...all got killed by the end of the story.
<Kate, “I couldn’t reach him, so I just...I just ran.”>
Akai: I thought she came by plane.
<Darien’s voice over, “You know the last time I saw Kate she was a genius in distress.”>
Stacey: The LAST time?
Lauren: Uh...correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t she STILL a genius in distress?
<Camera does a slow pan down Kate’s body as Darien tries not to stare.>
Lauren: I think the camera guy just got distracted...someone throw some water on him!
Stacey: Betcha the camera guys were fighting over who got to do that shot.
Emma: Be careful there, Fawkes, you may go blind again.
<A shot almost down the front of Kate’s shirt is shown.>
Lauren: If Kate shows any more skin I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
<Darien sits on the floor, both hands and a large chunk of his chest invisible.>
(wishful collapses on the floor in hysterics)
Stacey: He’s starting to look like swiss cheese.
Lauren: Poor Darien...at least other guys can hide rampaging hormones with baggy pants.
Daniel: (as Darien) I need this like I need a hole in my head.
<Darien, “Yeah, yeah...everything’s fine.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Except for the fact that I now have a hole in my chest.
Lauren: This show has a very flexible definition of “fine”.
<Darien stands up wearing a sweater and mittens to hide the invisible parts.>
(wishful, who had started to recover, now collapses back on the floor)
fawkesie: (in a loud announcers voice) Welcome to Cooking With Darien!
Lauren: Shouldn’t those mittens be turning into chunks of ice?
<Kate, “Are you cold?”>
Stacey: Literally!
Lauren: Bet I could warm him up.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien, “Yea, yea I think there’s a draft.”>
Lauren: Well what’s on tap?
wishful: (finally recovering) I’m sorry, I’m sorry. He deserves a hug, really he does, but that’s just...(she dissolves into laugher again)
<Kate, “There’s another reason why I’m here.”>
Akai: To try and seduce Darien by stretching?
<Darien, “I’m like a fireman, on call 24/7.”>
Lauren: Built like a firetruck too.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Lauren: Do I get a prize for three <thuds> in a row?
Akai: (as Darien) Wait...actually Mondays are off, and maybe not three in the morning, but otherwise...
<Darien, “Whatever you need I just...I wana be there for you.”>
Stacey: Damnit, why can’t guys like that be found in real life!
Lauren: I’d put up with the crappy wardrobe and cold hands!
Joyce: You know though, Darien starts fires rather than putting them out!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD!>
<Kate, “I’m engaged.”>
Lauren: (as the actress) I’ve got another gig so I can’t do the rest of the episode.
Stacey: She moves fast...didn’t she go to England just a few months ago?
Lauren: Don’t worry Darien, there’s always the Mermaid.
Stacey: Oh...eww...
<Darien, looking completely floored, “Engaged?”>
Lauren: Echo...
<Darien, shedding quicksilver, half-heatedly tells Kate, “That’s great, Kate.”>
Akai: Those cascading quicksilver flakes say otherwise, buddy.
Stacey: Check those flakes, his heart’s in there somewhere.
Emma: Poor Darien! Oh I don’t think I can look at those sad puppy eyes...
Joyce: Mobilize the Darien Hug Squad, quick!
<Darien picks up the wine glass and drinks the whole thing without stopping.>
Lauren, Stacey, Sarah and Daniel: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Stacey: (drunk) Quick, get the funnel dude!
Lauren: Next stop, kitchen floor.
<The scene changes.>
Akai: Aww, we don’t get a chance to see him drunk?
<Claire, “No, no absolutely not.”>
Stacey: (as Claire) How many times do I have to tell you my hair products are my own.
<Darien, “So what, you’re saying we don’t do favors for each other around here?”>
Stacey: Do I want to know what kind of favors he’s talking about?
Lauren: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Stacey: Can’t help it! I’m the Mayor of Naughtyville!
<Claire, “No, not without authorization.”
Darien, “But I need verification before I can go back to the Official.”
Claire, “Yeah, and I need the Official’s OK before I can do anything.”>
Lauren: I know this feeling...I need to get more experience to get a job, but I can’t get a job without experience.
<Hobbes is napping in the lab chair.>
(Emma gets a really gooey faraway grin)
Stacey: That looks about as comfy as a Minbari bed.
Lauren: Think there’s room on that thing for two?
(both swoon)
fawkesie: Uh, is there a reason why he isn’t getting enough sleep at night? He’s not married, no roommates, what’s the deal?
<Hobbes, “...you get a couch I’ll find some room in my office.”>
Stacey: (raises hand) I got a couch.
Lauren: I’ve got a...uh...parpazan chair.
<Darien, “Could you tell Claire about the scientist search?” He looks earnestly at Hobbes.>
Lauren: Darien Fawkes IS the Amazing Kreskin!
<Hobbes, “What scientist search?”>
Lauren: (as Paul) I don’t remember that in the script.
Stacey: (as Darien) Remember? The thing about the guy with the stuff in the place?
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Oh, right! No.
<Darien, obviously trying to get Hobbes to play along, “You know, the scientist search I was telling you about yesterday?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) It’s times like this I wish Hobbes could hear my voice overs.
Jenn: Darien could be more vague...(as Darien) You know, the person who wears a lab coat quest?
<Hobbes still looks lost. Darien gives him another meaningful look.>
Lauren: Man, if Darien thinks at Hobbes any harder his skull is gonna jump out of his head!
Joyce: Oh, go on Darien... just go over and kick him in the shin.
<Hobbes, “We did this thing yesterday...”>
wishful: Uh-huh?
Lauren: Yeah?
Stacey: Oh really?
Jenn: You don’t say?
fawkesie: Would you all stop that?!
<Hobbes, “We were searching...” he pauses.>
Stacey: For the lost city of gold?
Lauren: For the meaning of life?
Stacey: Again with the vagueness.
<Hobbes, “Actually I’m a grand master at it...”>
Stacey: Kind of like Wushu.
Lauren: Is there anything this man is not a master of?
Stacey: The obvious maybe?
<Darien, “Look, you guys remember Kate Easton?”>
Lauren: Any relation to Shena Easton?
<Darien, “Well she’s in trouble.”
Hobbes and Claire, “Again?”>
wishful: They don’t need us. They can riff themselves.
<Darien enters with coffee.>
Lauren: Man, Starbucks must be paying a fortune for all this product placement!
fawkesie: Why does Darien always get the coffee? Is he the secretary too and we just don’t know?
<Darien, motioning towards the computer screen, “What you got here?”>
Akai: ...a computer?
<Hobbes, “Your computer geeks aren’t the only lab coats that are MIA.”>
Lauren: Wow, that was so full of slang it was almost another language.
<Claire, “Over the past two months, 16 high-ranked scientists have gone missing.”>
wishful: Yep, Definitely “Our Man Bashir” If one of these scientists was Professor Honey Bear I’m gonna shoot something. Unless it IS “Time and the Rani” in which case...
Everyone else: OK ALREADY!
<Darien, “All right, so what’s the connection?”>
Stacey: A squared plus b squared equals...
Jenn: Wrong connection.
Lauren: The Rainbow connection?
Stacey: (looking at Lauren oddly) Where was YOUR mind?
<Hobbes, “All the same MO.”>
Stacey: Money order?
<Claire, “Looks like the people who are after Kate and her co-workers aren’t after the internet computer.”>
Lauren: Anyway that’s just the latest version of AOL.
<Hobbes, “Sound familiar?”
Darien’s voice over, “Yeah, yeah it did actually.”
The picture fades.>
Stacey: This better not be another Pilot sequence.
<Darien realizes the guard was killed by Helen.>
(everyone boo’s and groaned, a few throw some pillows at the TV)
Akai: It would attract a lot less attention and would probably be more economical, if this Chrysalis organization just shot people...or something a little less obvious.
<Flashback to ‘Ghost of a Chance’>
Stacey: Well at least it isn’t the Pilot again.
Lauren: But with both Kate and Helen this is almost ‘Reunion’.
<Flashback of Helen kissing Darien on the bed.>
wishful: Oh no! If I see his chest one more time...I...I...I’ll join R2 in thudding!
<Darien’s voice over, “Never did catch her name.”>
Stacey: Really? Does La Llorona ring a bell?
Lauren: How about Helen Black?
Stacey: Or Aquamama?
Lauren: That’s later.
Stacey: Oh.
<Shot of the fanged skull behind Darien in the Keep.>
wishful: Uh...what’s Claire doing with that?
<A cell phone starts ringing and Darien stands up.>
Stacey: (as Claire) Darien, I think your pants are talking to you.
Lauren: Is that a cellphone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien answers his phone, “Yeah, this is Fawkes.”>
Stacey: (singing) Have I told you lately that I love you?
Lauren: Do I need to hose you down?
<Shot of Kate talking on the phone, she’s in a tank top.>
wishful: Does she own anything besides tank tops? I mean, she was in London. Kinda cold there for tank tops. I know you’d pack warmer for California, but for cryin’ out loud!
<Kate, “Darien, the guards aren’t down there.”>
Lauren: Australia?
Stacey: That’s down under.
<Kate, “One of the radiator hoses must’ve broken because there’s a big puddle of water all around the car.”>
Stacey: Whoop! Whoop! Blatantly obvious foreshadowing alert!
Lauren: Cut that out!
Daniel: Either that or there was a freak hurricane concentrated on three square feet of space.
<Shot of the car with a pool of water around it.>
Lauren: See it does rain in San Diego, just over that one car.
<Hobbes, into the walkie-talkie, “Pappa Bear to Eagle 2.”>
Lauren: Pappa Bear? Wasn’t that Col. Hogan’s code name?
wishful: (German) Nobody escapes from Stalag 13!
<Guard falls down the stairs and hits his head on the railing really hard...hard enough to make an audible *thud*. Darien runs on over to check him out.>
(everyone winces)
Lauren: Wow, that is one brain-damaged stunt man!
Stacey: That isn’t acting...Vince really is checking that poor guy out.
Emma: I hope he got paid a little more for that!
Sarah: So they dragged him from the car all the way up to Darien’s apartment just so they could thrown him down the stairs?
Lauren: Wow...he signed up ‘cause he thought he’d just have to take a few invisible punches and look what happens.
<Helen comes out with Kate in tow.>
wishful: Attack of the multiple tank tops! Two of these wouldn’t make a normal shirt for anyone else!
<Darien’s voice over, “I hate it when I’m right.”>
wishful: Oh, I dunno, you probably don’t like it very much when you’re wrong either. Do you?
<Hobbes, “Freeze!”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “Red light, green light, one two three!
Lauren: Mr. Freeze? Arnold Schwartzenegger is in this one?
<Helen, “I don’t take any orders from you!”>
Stacey: Take out orders? She having a McDonalds flashback?
Lauren: Not in that outfit.
wishful: She just reminded me of my roomie. That’s a terrible insult to my roomie; I should be ashamed of myself.
<Kate, “Darien! Help me!!”>
Lauren: Demanding little hostage, isn’t she?
Stacey: (as Kate) Now! Get off your lazy invisible butt and DO something!
<Hobbes points his gun at Helen.>
Stacey: Take the shot Hobbes!
Lauren: But then the eppy will be over.
Stacey: Yeah, but Helen will be gone!
*pause*
Both: Take the shot Hobbes!
<Kate is carried downstairs, unconscious.>
Jenn: They need a censor for that...you can see right down her shirt.
Sarah: This is what my film-student friends call a “boob shot”.
Daniel: Oh I don’t mind...
(everyone throws their pillows at Daniel)
<Helen, “Any heroics and the body count goes to three.”>
Lauren: (British) Five.
Stacey: (British) Three sir.
Lauren: (British) Three.
Stacey: Not counting the guard with the headwound, of course.
<Hobbes, “Wrong answer, mermaid.”>
Armi: Any Disney-related jokes at this point and I’ll scream.
<Darien, “I’ve seen bluffers, my friend; she’s not one of them.”>
wishful: You already pointed out yourself that you spend too much time with Hobbes, so I won’t say anymore...my friend.
<Hobbes raises his gun to shoot the getaway car.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Pull!
<Employee, “Absolutely, unequivocally, no!”>
Stacey: (as Darien) So that’s a maybe then?
<Hobbes, “We happen to be...”
World Connect Employee, “Let me guess, Federal Agents?”>
Joyce: Wow, does she work for the Psychic Friends Network?
Lauren: (as Employee) You don’t look like Mulder and Scully.
<Darien, “You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?”
Hobbes, “Just a bit sarcastic.”>
Lauren: (sarcastic) Oh really?
wishful: Darien would know, being an expert in sarcasm himself.
Akai: I sense negative energy...
<Shot of the supervisor.>
Armi: Looks like Tyr Anasazi.
<Darien, doing Groucho Marx, “...and by the way that’s about the stupidest code name I’ve ever heard.”>
Lauren: Someone call Hawkeye Pierce and get him to lend Darien his nose and glasses.
wishful: Did he say “hoid”? Hoid? NO! Don’t go Brooklyn!
Stacey: So Darien just turned into Groucho Marx?
Lauren: If Hobbes goes into a Zeppo routine I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<Hobbes, “Just do your thing.”>
Stacey: His groove thing?
<Hobbes, “...just do it.”>
Stacey: Oh, so Darien’s a Nike commercial now?
<Darien, “Wait a minute...not just yet.”
Hobbes, “You’ve got an idea, don’t you?”>
wishful: How in the WORLD did you get that idea, Hobbsey?
Lauren: (reprovingly) Sarcasm.
Joyce: (as Darien) I always have ideas, sometimes they are actually good.
<Shot of sign of seal with “Fur Is Murder.”>
Lauren: Awww....look at the cute little fur coat!
<Employee, “You people deserve a lot more respect.”>
Stacey: (singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me...
Lauren: You SO need to lay off those mudslides.
<Hobbes, “Do you like lobster?”
Employee, “Don’t push it.”>
Stacey: (singing) Ah-hiss push it, push it real good.
Lauren: Oh you just need to back right up there!
<Employee, “It says his occupation is Computer Programmer.”
Darien, “What’s he gonna do? Put ‘whale meat smuggling’ on his resume?”>
Joyce: Although if he is the guy who keeps making my computer crash, he’s gonna wish he was a whale meat smuggler!
<Hobbes laughs but gives Darien a dirty look at the employee gazes at Darien.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) Lay off she’s mine!
Stacey: This chick is obviously not a Hobbes Honey.
Jenn: Holy come-on’s Batman! She’s more obvious about flirting than Hobbes is!
<Shot of the van rolling down empty highway...it’s a familiar shot.>
wishful: Gee...does this look familiar to anyone else?
Lauren: Oh for cryin’ out loud...that’s from the Pilot again!
Stacey: How many times are we gonna see this shot?!
<Hobbes, “Last time I almost turned into Swiss cheese...”>
wishful: What? You turned into Sam Becket? What?
<Darien, “What do you want me to do? Send him a singing psychic telegram or what?”>
Joyce: From the Psychic Friends Network.
wishful: Didn’t Wayne Brady do that once on “Whose Line is it Anyway?”
Lauren: (singing) I am your singing telegram! (she makes a gunshot sound) AH!
<Hobbes, “...but we are the light.”
Darien, “We are the light?”>
Stacey: Bud light?
Lauren: Night light?
Stacey: Neon light?
Lauren: (as old woman) Head towards the light!
<Darien, “Please stop, OK? Just stop!”>
Stacey: (singing) ...in the name of love, before you break my heart!
Lauren: Are you going for some kind of absurd record?
<Darien knocks on the door, Hobbes ducks and runs for cover.>
Lauren: It’s the new Jehovas Witness technique...one knocks and the other gets ready to take you down!
<Darien, knocking on the door, “You see? Nothin’.”
A gun pokes through the window on the door.>
wishful: I’d say that’s somethin’!
Stacey: (as Darien) Whoa! Watch the hair!
Lauren: I think he saw Darien’s wardrobe.
<Shot is fired. Hobbes, “Retreat!!”>
Lauren: (British) Run away! Run away!!
Stacey: (as skeleton from Army of Darkness) Let’s get the Hell out of here!
Joyce: Bobby Hobbes doesn’t bail on his partner...but he’s not stupid either!
<Darien, “Uh, we’re Federal Agents?”>
Stacey: Was that a question or a statement?
Lauren: Way to be authoritative, Darien.
<Darien slides over the hood of the car to the other side.>
Lauren: Darien’s been watching too much Dukes of Hazard.
Sarah: (dreamily) He makes that look SO sexy!
<Hobbes, “We’re Federal Agents!”
Hitoram, “Right, and I’m Brittany Spears!”>
Stacey: Dear God, I hope not!
Lauren: Ops, he did it again.
Joyce: I thought Hitoram was a guy!
Jenn: I seriously don’t want any of her crappy songs running through my head...it’ll make me live up to my handle!
<Hobbes, “Yeah, and you shoot like her too!”>
Daniel: If he starts dressing like her too I am SO switching to Comedy Central!
Stacey: How many Federal Agents has Brittany Spears shot at?
Lauren: She’s a pop star AND an amateur target shooter!
fawkesie: Anyone who doesn’t like Brittany Spears is one of my best friends! (looks around) What? I just don’t like her!
<Darien, “You know what I’m thinking?”
Hobbes, “What are you thinking?”>
Daniel: (as Darien) Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Lauren: (as Hobbes) I think so, Darien, but where did Brittany learn to use a gun?
<Darien, “We wait for the Blowfish to show up...”>
wishful: Just so long as Hootie doesn’t also show up.
<Hobbes, “That’s very devious.”
Darien, “I thought so.”
Hobbes, “Keep this up and I’m gonna start getting paranoid about you.”>
Lauren: Start? Hobbes has been paranoid about him
since day one!
<As Darien jumps into the van we get a very quick glimpse of the top of his underwear.>
Emma: Wait! Rewind! So...Mighty Whities or Boxer Briefs? (she giggles) My money is on the boxer briefs!
<Hobbes, “So which one’s Brittany Spears?”>
Daniel: What?! That’s like not knowing what a palm pilot is!
Lauren: Uh...I always get her and the other one mixed up...the other teen pop chick.
Daniel: Which one?
Lauren: Any of them.
<Darien, “She’s married to ...Matt...”
Hobbes, “Damon?”
Darien, “No.”
Hobbes, “Dillon?”
Darien, “No.”
Hobbes, “McConehey?”
Darien, “No.”>
Stacey: Broderick?
Lauren: Perry?
Stacey: Modine?
Lauren: I didn’t even know she was married!
fawkesie: Wow...they know a lot of Matts!
wishful: Please insert witty comment about in-jokes here.
<Hobbes, “I think he’s married to Lisa Cujo.”>
Stacey: Did he just say Cujo?
Lauren: I think Hobbes had a Stephen King moment.
<Helen ducks as she runs from Hitoram’s shots.>
Emma: Not only does she walk like she has a wedgie, but she runs like she has one too.
Jenn: (as Helen) Dangit! Now I gotta pick that wedgie AGAIN!!
Lauren: My question is...how does she run in those heels?
Stacey: Finnegan’s Wake made more sense than her outfit.
<Darien, “I think his gun jammed.”>
Joyce: Probably because he spent so much time shooting at you.
<Helen and two thugs in suits run towards the house.>
Lauren: Have fun storming the castle!
Sarah: (singing) One of these three is not like the others...one of these three does not belong!
<Helen injects something into Hitoram that knocks him out. His arm swings like it’s made of rubber.>
Lauren: Aqua Mama said knock you out!
Akai: Little did Allianora know but the syrum she injected into Hito has accidentally turned him into...Plastic Man!...what? Hasn’t anyone ever read that comic?
Stacey: Uh...she just injected his trachea.
Lauren: Well that will leave a mark.
<The trunk of the car opens automatically.>
Lauren: Did Darien just open their trunk for them?
Armi: Will our mystery hero sign in please?
<As the van heads down the road towards the camera, the camera moves into the middle of the road.>
Lauren: Uh...don’t you think...we...should...MOVE?!?
<Shot changes.>
Lauren: *taking a deep breath* Wow...close call there.
<Hobbes, “So in all the excitement I didn’t get a chance to ask you about your...reunion.”