MiSTing of Catevari
(the group version)
Just so y’all know, in many cases everyone submitted the same kind of riff, or similar riffs. I tried to edit this together taking that into account, and sometime it just came down to who got the riff in first. Enjoy!
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(Nestled snugly in the Fingerlakes region of central New York, two IMan fans squeeze into a tiny studio apartment, popcorn and mudslides in hand, as one pops a tape into the VCR.)
Stacey: So what are we going to do tonight, Lauren?
Lauren: The same thing we do every night, Stacey...watch the Invisible Man and make comments during the show!
Stacey: Did you bring the extra pillow just in case I faint on the floor again?
Lauren: Yeup, but don’t worry. We aren’t watching TOIM, tonight we watch Catevari!
Stacey: Ohh!
(Just before Lauren can press play the door suddenly bursts open and a small horde of IM fans pile into the apartment)
Solitaire: Hey! We wana riff too!
Doretta78: Yea! This looks like fun, we wana join in as well!
AkaiHato: (excited) Are those mudslides?
Lauren: Well come on in gang, let me pop some more popcorn and we can riff away!
Everyone: Yea!
(The popcorn is passed out, more mudslides are made, and more IManics are stuffed into one studio apartment then should be allowed by the fire code. When everyone is comfy Lauren finally presses PLAY)
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Our Cast Of Riffers:
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): “How did I get this many people in my apartment?”
Stacey (AKA R2): “Watch out, I may go <THUD>!”
Sol (AKA Solitaire): “Pass the mudslides!”
Doretta (AKA Doretta78): “OK who’s hand is that?! Oh wait...it’s mine...”
Akai (AKA AkaiHato): “Shhh, it’s starting!”
And so the show beings:
<Darien, quoting philosophy, appears.>
Sol: “Ah, words of wisdom from grasshopper!”
<After sauntering down the hall and opening the door, Darien finally turns invisible.>
Lauren: “Uh, little late don’cha think?”
<Darien’s voice over, “See, I was a thief.”>
Stacey: “Really? I thought he was a genetic scientist with a PHD!”
Lauren: “No, wrong show.”
<Darien’s voice over, “And somewhere in this room is my ticket out of here!”>
Stacey: “Somewhere? He knew *right* where to go!”
Lauren: “Yea, I think I saw a sign flashing ‘Look For Safe Here’!”
<Darien de-quicksilvers his ear to work on opening the safe.>
Stacey: “Does the gland give him bionic hearing too?”
Everyone: (making the bionic noise) “Da na na na na na!”
<Darien opens the lock on the Official’s safe in about three seconds.>
Lauren: “Damn that was fast!”
Stacey: “Modest guy, didn’t he say a second ago he wasn’t a good thief?”
Lauren: “He’s a great thief, just a lousy runner!”
<Darien pulls out a file that reads “TOP SECRET: INVISIBLE MAN” on the cover.>
Lauren: “Hey look, Ben Murphy’s file!”
Stacey: “What happened to the good ol’ days when top secret files had secret names? What, is this like the Hiding In Plain Sight theory?”
<In flashback, we see the entire Pilot.>
Sol: “Here we go, the ubiquitous flashback sequence.”
Stacey: “Didn’t we see all of this already?”
Lauren: “I’m not creative enough to come up with new riffs.”
<Kevin’s voice over, “We’ve engineered a bio-synthetic gland. We’re going to attach it to your cerebral cortex.”>
Lauren: (as Kevin) “Without telling you.”
<Shot of black and white top secret files with a description of the counteragent.>
Akai: “Ooh! Technical glitch!”
Doretta: “What?”
Akai: “The report said “From: KeeperP328144” then the second shot just had “From: Keeper”...see!”
Everyone: “Nit-pick!”
Akai: “Hey, I’m proud of catching that!”
<Report says “Further batches synthesized in Basement 5, Lab 101.”>
Lauren: “Oh dear, better take a sweater, it’ll be cold in the basement!”
<Darien’s voice over, “And now it was time for a little payback!”>
Stacey: “We’re gonna see Mel Gibson?!?!?” <THUD>
Lauren: “Down girl, down!”
<Darien takes the Official’s key card.>
Lauren: “Oh yea, Darien can really pass himself off as the Fat Man!”
<In the lab, Darien looks over at the medical chair.>
Lauren: “It’s a dentists chair!”
Stacey: “It’s the worst ergonomic chair I’ve ever seen!”
Lauren: “Well at least it reclines!”
<Darien opens the fridge to show lots of yogurt and milk.>
Lauren: “Apparently the counteragent is made by Dannon.”
<Opening the jar labeled “counteragent”, Darien see’s the note, then looks up just as the music gets to a fevered pitch.>
Lauren: “You know he probably said ‘Aw crap’ there but the background music got to excited to hear him say it.”
<Darien turns and see’s a blonde woman, “Who the hell are you?” The blonde raises the gun, and with a loud series of clicks shoots Darien.>
Sol: “That’ll teach him. Next time you ask a lady a question, you ask her nicely!”
Akai: (as blonde) “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!”
Lauren: “That was the loudest dart gun I’ve ever heard!”
Stacey: “Nah, they just miked her too high.”
<Blonde, “I’m your Keeper.”>
Stacey: “I AM IRONMAN!”
<Darien falls to the floor, unconscious.>
Akai: (as Keeper) “That’ll teach you to go around unshaved!”
<The opening credits begin and Darien does that Here’s How It Works speech.>
Lauren: “For the very slow fans out there, here’s the premise for a third time.”
<Darien, in voice over, “Some scientist made it into a gland and that’s where I came in.”>
Lauren: “Some scientist? Hello! That was your brother!!”
<Darien is pacing the padded cell angrily.>
Lauren: “You know the sad thing is that cell is still bigger then my apartment.”
Sol: “For God’s sake, let him go to the bathroom!”
<Darien, from behind the mirror, “Come in here!”>
Akai: (as Official) “Not until you’ve straightened out your attitude young man!”
<The Official and Keeper watch Darien ranting and raving from behind the one-way mirror.>
Stacey: (as Darien) “Come on, I just went through this crap with Kevin!! This isn’t funny! You’re not gonna make me watch Xena are you?!”
Akai: “Despite their serious conversation, you can’t help but wonder weather the Official and the Keeper are just having fun watching Darien bounce around the place yelling ‘Whoo! Whoo! Hey!’ while jumping up and down.”
<Keeper, “Blackmailing him with a shot of counteragent won’t make him a willing participant.”>
Stacey: “Gee, really?”
Lauren: “And sticking him in an insane asylum is going to?”
<Official, as Darien jumps around yelling and screaming, “This guy’s about to turn into a walking ID.”>
Lauren: “Right now he’s Tigger with an ego!”
<Keeper, “I’m going to get him to trust me.”>
Lauren: “You know first impressions are the most important...and her’s didn’t inspire much trust.”
<Darien sits on the floor, still stuck in the straight jacket, slowly sitting up.>
Stacey: (as Darien) “All I need is a pen, just one pen, and I’m so out of this thing!”
Akai: “Ow...aren’t Darien’s arms getting cramped in that straight jacket. R2, you’re the veteran, what do you think?”
(Stacey throws a pillow at Akai)
<The credits say “Co-Executive Producers: Valerie Mayhew and Vivian Mayhew.”>
Lauren: (as a little kid): “But *I* wana executive produce!”
Stacey: (as a little kid): “No, *I* wana executive produce!!”
Doretta: (motherly) “Now dears, you can executive produce together!”
<The Keeper walks into the cell, the door making a swooshing sound behind her.>
Lauren: “The door needs some WD-40.”
Stacey: “Nah, it’s just one of those Star Trek doors.”
<Keeper, “Looking good, mate!”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “I’m from Australia!”
<Darien, “Yea well I’m trying to make the cover of Lab Rat Monthly.”>
Stacey: “Hey, can I order that on-line?”
<Keeper, “I’ve been up 49 hours.”>
Stacey: “You know, I wish I looked that good after being up for two days!”
Lauren: “So what, back in college I was up for four days straight!”
<Darien, “Hot date?”
Keeper, “Watching you.”>
Stacey: (sighing) “Not a bad way to spend two days.”
Lauren: “Uh, if you say so. Personally I like my men in jackets without buckles.”
<Keeper, “The most sanity you can hope to have is six days, mate!”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “So throw some shrimp on the Bar-Be!”
<Keeper, “And I’d say your about three minutes short of that!”>
Akai: (as Darien) “I guarantee I’ll go nuts if you keep calling me ‘mate’!”
<Keeper, “I want you to trust me.”>
Lauren: “Keeper, Australian for Manipulator!”
<The Keeper strokes the needle of counteragent as she continues to talk.>
Stacey: “Wait a minute, is she STROKING it?!”
Lauren: “Oh jezz this was supposed to be a family show!”
Sol: “Mental note: if I ever see my doctor fondle a syringe like that, run. Run away and don’t look back!”
<Keeper, “You’ve got a gift, mate...”>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “Oi mate, that’s a bugger, ain’t it?”
Stacey: “OK I think we get the joke.”
<Keeper, “Now call me crazy...” she pauses.>
Everyone: “YOU’RE CRAZY!!”
Lauren: “And yet Darien is the one in the straight jacket.”
<Darien, “I am not going to be your freakin’ slave.”>
Stacey: “Uh, Darien?”
Everyone: “TOO LATE!!”
<Darien, to Keeper, “Why should I trust you?”>
Akai: (as Keeper) “Technically you can’t, but you don’t know that.”
<Keeper, “Because I came in here knowing you could go insane and kill me.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Just let me pull a Houdini here and I can still do that if you’d like!”
<The Military Infirmary is shown, one guard outside, and a clear blue sky.>
Lauren: (as guard) “It’s another beautiful day out here guarding the barbed wire.”
<Inside, the crazy people are wandering about.>
Lauren: “OK, so from one crazy guy in a rubber room to a bunch of crazy guys in a rubber building.”
<An Old Inmate is playing chess with someone else.>
Sol: “Is that Yoda?”
<Inmate, “They couldn’t see my ass in Laos, and they couldn’t see my ass in Cambodia. I mean it got so good in the end *I* couldn’t see it!”>
Stacey: (as Inmate) “Let me flash you so you can see that you can’t see it!”
Lauren: “Oh if that happens I am *so* switching to Comedy Central!”
<Fogerty is shown, strapped tightly in the gloves and wearing sunglasses.>
Stacey: (as Fogerty) “Man, I wish he’d shut up. If I could just get my hands out of these restraints I’d shut him up...thirty years of listening to him ramble...”
Akai: “I wonder how he can see with those dark sunglasses on!”
<The Inmate moves a piece on the chess board.>
Lauren: (as Inmate) “King me!”
<Fogerty is shown up close while strange, spooky wind-like music plays.>
Lauren: “That’s the sound of wind blowing in one ear and out the other.”
<Inmate moves for Fogerty.>
Lauren: “And the sad thing is Fogerty is winning.”
<Warren, the inmate, gets upset, “You ain’t gonna take him for anymore of those shots are ya?”
Doctor, “They make him feel better.”>
Lauren: “Jello shots?”
<As Fogerty is wheeled out, a bearded inmate ambles past with his meds.>
Lauren and Stacey: “Look look look! It’s Jerry Garcia!!”
<Shot of Warren and Fogerty laying in their beds, both on their backs and the sheets are perfectly tucked in around them.>
Lauren: “Look, it’s like someone came and made their beds while they were still in them!”
Stacey: “So Fogerty wear’s shades when he’s asleep?”
Lauren: (singing) “I wear my sunglasses at night so I can so I can!”
<Fogerty extends his fingers in the gloves.>
Lauren: (as Fogerty) “Look, I can make a butterfly!”
<Fogerty, “On a trip, bro. But it’s OK, I’m back!”>
Lauren: “He went to see the Grateful Dead.”
<Warren, “A-bomb tests. Son’s of bitches had me observing at ground zero.”>
Stacey: “Uh...really? Ground Zero is where the bomb explodes.”
Lauren: “He looks rather good for someone who was incinerated.”
<Warren smiles up at Fogerty.>
Stacey: “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.”
Lauren: (as Warren) “This means we’re dating now, right?”
<The sun rises and Warren is smiling in his bed, apparently asleep.>
Lauren: “Shouldn’t he have a cigarette or something?”
<The phone rings and the Official picks up the receiver.>
Lauren: (as guy on phone) “Can I speak to a Mr. Freely? First name Ipe?”
<The calculator flashes zero as the Official hangs up the phone and looks upset.>
Lauren: (as Official) “Damn, Steven Hawkins isn’t going to like that!”
<Darien is in the Official’s office, once again in normal cloths.>
Lauren: “Ah, he must have stolen a pen.”
<Official, “Our racket is handling cases other Agency’s can’t.”
Eberts, “Or won’t.”
Official, “Or don’t.”>
Lauren: “Or didn’t.”
Stacey: “Or wouldn’t.”
Lauren: “Or shouldn’t.”
Stacey: “Or couldn’t care less about.”
<Darien, “And you want me to catch him?”>
Akai: (as Official) “No, we want you to go to Broadway and audition for a part in Les Miserables. And hey Eberts, you’d make a great Marius!”
<Darien, “Is that a sexual position or an Italian Opera?”>
Sol: “Ooohhh...ohhh! Please please let Darien do ‘show and tell’!”
<Eberts, “He kills people, Mr. Fawkes. Very quickly, very violently.”>
Lauren: “Can you kill someone quickly and *not* violently?”
<Darien, “Fellas, I’m not a bounty hunter, really.”>
Stacey: “That’s a job for Brisco County Jr.!”
<Darien, “I wouldn’t know where to start.” He places the file on the Official’s desk.>
Stacey: (as Official) “Well if you don’t want to do the case you’re padded cell and comfy jacket are still available...”
Lauren: (as Darien, suddenly very agreeable) “Oh...uh just call me Sam Gerard!”
<Official, “He’s been in therapy.>
Lauren: “Who? Hobbes or Darien?”
Stacey: “Both.”
Lauren: “Oh. Wonder what rubber room they had Hobbes locked in.”
<The van’s compartment has the book “Lithium and You.” Darien looks at Hobbes.>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Damn, that was his therapy? Hey Hobbes, wana swap therapies?”
<Hobbes, “But I also know your new at this, like a child wandering in the woods...”>
Lauren: (singing) “The way is clear, the light is good! I have no fear nor no one should! The woods are just tree’s...the trees are just wood...”
<Hobbes, “And I, as your senior, have been asked to shepard you.”>
Lauren: “Oh if he shows up in a Bo Peep costume I am *so* switching to Comedy Central!”
<Hobbes, to Darien, “You don’t got that kind of clearance, son!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “If I turn invisible does that help my clearance?”
<The van continues down the road on a bright, sunny blue sky day.>
Lauren: “I’m beginning to think the actors stipulated in their contracts they would only film on beautiful days.”
Stacey: “That’s the power of the union!”
Lauren: (singing) “Get your kicks on Route 66!”
<Nurse, walking in the back of a shot of rows of dead bodies, “I feel the charm of our facility is not at it’s apex.”>
Lauren: (snickering) “Ya think?”
<Nurse, “You must please to excuse the air of hopelessness and chaos. As you can see we are very shortly staffed at the current moment.”>
(everyone snickers)
Lauren: “Well that explains the nurse! “You must please to excuse”? Oh dear...”
<Shot of Warren’s hand with the four puncture marks.>
Lauren: “He was bitten by a Siamese vampire!”
<Darien, “Were they friends?”
Nurse, “Yes.”
Hobbes, “What’s your point?”
Darien, to nurse, “Would you excuse us please?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “I gotta yell at my partner for a moment.”
<Hobbes pulls back the blanket covering the dead Doctor.>
Lauren: (as Hobbes) “Damn that was a nice suit!”
<Hobbes grabs the sheet and starts to pull it off.>
Sol: “The housekeeping staff went from Spring Fresh Tide to a generic detergent.”
<Eberts takes the bloody blanket, looking rather disgusted.>
Lauren: (as Eberts) “I thought doing the Official’s dirty laundry was a metaphor.”
Sol: “Hope Ebert had all his shots.”
<Darien, “Look will you cut the three days of the Condor crap?”>
Lauren: “I thought it was six days!”
Stacey: “They had to cut it for the movie.”
<Hobbes, “Next he’s gonna want to know who killed Kennedy!”>
Stacey: “Then all about Area 51.”
Lauren: “And if Elvis is really dead!”
<The Official, to Darien, “Embrace the whore, you’re serving the state.”>
Sol: “Isn’t that like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg?”
<Darien, “Come on, he was at an agency nut hatch!”>
Stacey: “So everyone there was a crazy experiment?”
Lauren: “Warren’s superpower was the ability to be a cute, crazy old guy.”
Stacey: “And don’t forget about Jerry Garcia!”
<Darien, “Going after the guy who put me there in the...” he stops, realizing he’s given it away.>
Everyone: (making trumpet noises) Wah wah wah wah!!!
<Darien, “Since when did you start listening to me?”>
Lauren: “Since Hobbes couldn’t come up with his own theory.”
<The Pep rally is shown.>
(everyone joins in cheering and clapping)
Lauren: (as rally person) “Who are we cheering for?”
Stacey: (as rally person) “Who cares! We get these cool patriotic hats!”
<Darien opens up a dictionary and scans the page.>
Lauren: “Oh look, catfight...a dispute carried out...”
Stacey: “No no...wrong entry.”
<Hobbes, “Actually the Agency thought you’d want to handle this in house. Under the chuppa.”>
Lauren: “Oh I knew Hobbes was a nice Jewish boy!”
<Hobbes, “On the QT. Very hush hush.”>
Stacey: (singing) “Our lips are sealed...”
<Senator, to Darien, “Boy!”>
Lauren: (as Foghorn Leghorn) “I say...I say, boy!”
Sol: “That’s Mr. Lawnjockey to you bubba!”
<Senator, “Son, I have served this country too long and too well to be intimidated by a malfeasant freak.”>
Lauren: “Did he say ‘fweak’?”
Stacey: “Sounds like he went to the Barbara Walters School for Voice!”
Lauren: “He sounds like the Walrus from Alice and Wonderland!”
<Darien, “Yea, well it takes one to know one.”>
Lauren: “He learned that comeback in the third grade.”
<The Senator comes out while the band plays a jaunty march tune.>
(Lauren starts humming along with the band.)
Everyone: “Music geek!”
Lauren: “And damn proud of it!!”
<Close up of the Senator shaking hands.>
Lauren: (as Senator) “Oh don’t do that thing with your finger...it’s creepy!”
<Senator, to the baby, “And what’s your name little girl?”>
Sol: “Hey brainiac! She’s a baby, she can’t speak yet!”
<The baby goes flying into the air.>
Lauren: (as baby) “Peter Pan can kiss my ass!”
<The cop grabs the “floating” baby.>
Stacey: (as cop) “Thank you, I’ll just take the magic floating baby now!”
Lauren: “Look! It’s Jim Henson’s Anti-Gravity Babies!”
<Darien is leaning against the wall, making him the same height as Hobbes.>
Lauren: “They tell Vincent to do that so they don’t have to stick Paul on the Scully Box.”
<Hobbes, “You were supposed to get the calamari!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “Well hold on, I’ll go down to the Wegmans around the corner and get some from the seafood department!”
<Hobbes, “What do you want?”
Darien, “I want the damn answer!”>
Lauren: “You can’t handle the damn answer!”
<Darien, “Hobbes, it’s Catevari. I looked it up.”>
Akai: “On behalf of the entire BBoard...where?!”
<Darien explains the Catevari to Hobbes, “Do you see what I’m saying?”
Hobbes, “Wait...what are you saying? Poisoned...babies...”>
Lauren: “Someone get Hobbes some flash cards.”
<Fogerty has his fingers inches from the Official’s face.>
Lauren: (as Fogerty) “You missed a spot shaving right here.”
<Official, “This is not a good time!”>
Stacey: (as Official) “Yeah, I paid for the full hour boys!”
(everyone shudders at that comment)
<Fogerty turns and smiles, there is a closeup of his yellowed teeth.>
Lauren: “Wow, Fogerty has Austin Powers teeth!”
<Fogerty spits at Hobbes.>
Lauren: “Now *that* is what I call a projectile missile!”
<Keeper, “If that point of exposure hadn’t been quickly frozen that poison would have spread throughout your entire system.”
Official, “Don’t encourage him.”>
Lauren: (as Official) “Next time just let me die.”
Stacey: “What?!”
<Official, “You didn’t catch him?”>
Lauren: “Oh thank you Captain Obvious.”
Stacey: (as Darien) “Actually we did, we’re just holding him in the van for the rest of the show.”
<Hobbes is teasing the fish in the Keeper’s lab.>
Lauren: “The Keeper needs one of those ‘Do Not Tap On Glass’ signs. Those are Piranha, I don’t think Hobbes should be taunting them with fresh meat.”
<Darien, “No no no...his eyes! They were mine.”>
Lauren: “So Fred Coffin stole your contacts, it’s no big deal!”
<Darien, “He’s an experiment, isn’t he. Just like me.”>
Stacey: “Well DUH, Dick Tracy.”
Lauren: “No Darien, he was born with the poison in his system!”
Stacey: “So is that how you can tell an experiment from the normal population? Red eyes?”
Lauren: “That and the tendency to go crazy and kill people.”
<Darien, “That’s why you sent me after him. You send an experiment to catch an experiment.”>
Stacey: “You know I’m beginning to realize these guys are Masters of the Obvious!”
Lauren: “Nah, just Masters of the Exposition.”
<Official, “Berlin had a wall, Russians had the bomb, Ike was dead.”>
Lauren: (as Dick Clark) “And flower power was all the rage. And here’s the number one song from that era, a little ditty that should take you baby boomers all the way back.”
<Darien, “So you schmucks did just copy the Romans!”
Keeper, “And the Ancient Greeks, the Goths, the Persians...”>
Lauren: (singing) “Everybody’s doin’ it....doin’ it...”
<Official, “Charlie Fogerty was my best friend.”>
Lauren: “If that’s how he treats his friends...”
Stacey: “Remind me not to tick off the Official.”
<Official, “He’s been a full catatonic ever since.”
Darien, “So what the Hell woke him up?”>
Lauren: “I think I’d come back from the dead if Jerry Garcia was living in the next padded cell!”
Stacey: “Better then the Monkey’s Reunion Tour.”
<Official, “He tried to kill me, and you saved my life.”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “So...uh...you wouldn’t happen to be feeling grateful enough to give me the formula for the counteragent, would you?”
Stacey: (as Official) “Padded walls...belted jacket...”
Lauren: (as Darien) “OK OK! Jezzz it was worth a try!”
<Hobbes uses the microphones to ask the agents how the house looks. There’s a lot of whistling and static on the line.>
Lauren: “Hobbes needs Sprint Free and Clear.”
<Darien flips through photos, the flashlight in his mouth.>
Stacey: “Honey, didn’t I tell you last week not to put that in your mouth?”
Akai: “He just likes putting germ-ridden flashlights in his mouth I guess.”
<Hobbes, “Well you’re and angry experiment, our boy’s and angry experiment, the big Kahuna thinks there’s a simpatico vibe going on.”>
Stacey: “Book ‘im, Dano!”
<Hobbes, “And while you’re whining on how the bad man put that nasty gland in your head, some of us have been out here getting our butts shot off!”>
Lauren: “Did everyone forget that ‘some scientist’ and the ‘bad man’ was Darien’s brother?!”
Stacey: “Hey, I like Hobbes butt! I don’t think it’s been shot off at all!”
<Darien, “The Fat Man is sending you to kill you!”>
Lauren: “Isn’t that like those time travel, grandfather paradoxes?”
<Hobbes, shouting into the darkness, “And don’t think I don’t know where you are 24/7 my friend!”>
Lauren: “Well thats fair, since everyone now knows where Hobbes is!”
<Hobbes, “What are you looking at?”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) “Are you looking at me? You lookin’ at me? I don’t see anyone else here so you must be lookin’ at me!”
<Darien’s voice over, “I hopped I was right, because the way my head was pounding, I was on the verge of becoming as wacked as Fogerty.”>
Lauren: “It must be hard to concentrate when you have the Cavaliers drum line pounding out warm up routine’s in your skull.”
<Darien starts to walk towards the house.>
Stacey: (as the director, Ian) “Uh, Vince? Listen we’re wasting film here, you wana pick up the pace a bit? Thanks.”
<Darien starts jogging up the hill.>
Lauren: “Run Darien run!!”
<Inside the house soft music plays in the background.>
Lauren: “Mozart.”
Everyone: “Music geek!”
Lauren: “And damn proud of it!”
Stacey: “Wow, look at this place. No wonder the Agency is so under-funded...They gave their cash to Fogerty’s Keeper!”
<Fogerty’s hand, and long fingernails, are outlined in the flames.>
Lauren: “Those aren’t fingernails, they’re guitar picks!”
<Darien, invisible, makes quite a bit of noise sitting down in the leather chair.>
Lauren: “Kinda ruins the whole being invisible bit when you sit in a leather chair wearing a leather jacket....kinda hard not to make noise with all that leather!”
Stacey: “Well it’s better then the straight jacket!”
<Fogerty, “I know you’re there, bro. I can hear you breathing.”>
Stacey: “Funny, I can see the chair indented...”
Lauren: “And I heard him sit down with all that leather...”
Stacey: “Guess the poison is affecting Fogerty’s eyes.”
<Darien, “So, you knew I’d come.”
Fogerty, “You knew I’d be here.”>
Lauren: “Well aren’t we having a Psychic friends moment.”
Sol: “Man this is too weird. They sound like a married couple!”
<Fogerty, “So they gave you one to, eh? A Keeper?”>
Sol: “No, they gave him what was behind door number three and some lovely parting gifts!”
<Darien, “It could be worse.”
Fogerty, “And it gets worse!”>
Lauren: “I thought the next bunch of episodes were *much* better!”
Stacey: “Shhh! We haven’t seen them yet!”
<Fogerty, “All you really want to do is touch her.”>
Stacey: (singing) “When I think about you I touch...”
Lauren: “Hey hey! Family show, remember?”
<Darien pulls out some large, thick gloves.>
Lauren: “They’re gonna go trim the hedges now.”
<Fogerty, “Oh you wana arrest me, bro?”>
Akai: “What is with the way people address each other and Darien in this show?!”
Lauren: “We get the Keeper spitting out ‘mate’, Fogerty has his ‘bro’, Hobbes has a whole plethora of nicknames...anyone actually gonna call Darien by his name?”
<Fogerty, “Check out the sole of your right foot. That’s where they put them when I was an agent!” Darien lifts his foot and finds the tracking device.>
Stacey: “Uh, and things haven’t changed since 1969 at all?”
Lauren: (singing) “I’ve got trackers on the sole’s of my shoes! I’m talking ‘bout trackers on the sole’s of my shoes!”
Doretta: (as Darien) “I thought that was just gum!”
<Hobbes, “I’m there in ten minutes.”>
Lauren: (checking the clock) “Hobbes, the episode will be over by then.”
<Fogerty, “The geeks put a gland in your brain!”>
Stacey: “Uh...he knows that how? Looks like his eyesight is better then we thought!”
<Fogerty, “You didn’t think they’d figure out you’d try to double cross them?”>
Lauren: “I think he figured that out at the beginning with the whole rubber room thing.”
<Fogerty, “We’re not gonna let them have one piece of us. Not one atom!!”>
Stacey: “So he has a nuclear bomb strapped to his gut?”
Lauren: “Welp everyone in the room is now sterile!”
<The Keeper darts Fogerty, but it doesn’t work. She points a gun at him and says to Darien, “Don’t let him!”>
Lauren: (as Darien) “You’re the one with the gun, *you* don’t let him!”
<Darien, “If we’re gonna do this, if we’re gonna go...lets damn well go together.”>
Lauren starts singing Stairway to Heaven
<Darien, “Bro.”>
Lauren: (Stopping singing) “Aw crap not you too!”
Akai: “AAAH! Now he’s doing it!”
<Darien grabs Fogerty and hugs him.>
Lauren: (as Fogerty) “So, Agent Fawkes, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Sol: (as Darien) “Listen Baryshnikov, for the last time! You move your left foot first on the downbeat if you want to do the tango!”
<Darien quicksilvers the bomb, freezing it and stopping it.>
Lauren: “Darien *is* the human refrigerator! Thrill as he makes ice!”
<Darien headbutts Fogerty.>
Lauren: (wincing) “I don’t understand how hitting someone with your own forehead can knock someone out but not cause you a concussion!”
<Hobbes busts down the door and storms the castle...er...house.>
Lauren: (checking the clock) “Damn, and I thought *I* drove fast!”
<Darien carefully removes the frozen bomb from Fogerty.>
Lauren: “Considering when that thing thaws it may blow up, should he really be doing that by the fire?”
<Fogerty, “Have a good life.”>
Lauren: (as Fogerty) “Damn I always sucked at good-byes!”
<Darien leans on the wall looking out the window of the Officials office. With the sun streaming in, it’s a rather dramatic shot.>
Lauren: “Oh he got that pose from a Sears Catalogue.”
Stacey: “Just another beautiful day on the set of IMan!”
<The Keeper stands by the medical chair, syringe of counteragent in hand.>
Lauren: (as Keeper) “Today I think I’ll give the shot in your butt!”
Stacey: “But then we’ll see his...” <THUD>
Doretta: “Oh Lord you just had to mention that didn’t you?”
<Keeper, “How do you feel?”>
Lauren: “With my skin! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, enjoy the buffet!”
Akai: (as Darien) “Well...I’ve got a paranoid partner who thinks freedom is the right to shut up and do as your told and pronounce ‘Catevari’, I’ve basically gone through yet another emotionally traumatic situation including, but not limited to, that I’ve indirectly caused the death of the Senator and I couldn’t save Fogerty - who was, oh, symbolic metaphorically and foreshadowing myself - from being killed, and now I get to have a needle stuck in my arm. How do you think I feel?”
Lauren: (after thinking about what Akai said) “Damn, after you put it that way I feel guilty enjoying this episode.”
<The camera pulls away slowly from Darien and the Keeper, around a corner and out of the lab.>
Lauren: “The camera guy got bored.”
Akai: “Hey, what happened to those huge piranha?”
<The metal door slams shut.>
Everyone: (a la evil music) “Dun DUN DUN!!!!!”
(as the credits roll, everyone gets up and stretches from being cramped in Lauren’s tiny studio apartment)
Lauren: “So kids, what did we learn from this weeks episode of IMan?”
Akai: “That I need a better encyclopedia!”
Doretta: “That Darien looked much better without the beard!”
Sol: “That repeating history is a bad thing, ‘cause you’ll end up in a padded room.”
Stacey: “That an Agency nuthatch really isn’t that bad of a place as long as Jerry Garcia is your roommate.”
Everyone: “What?!”
Thanks everyone! See y’all next week for Ralph!
Lauren (OboeCrazy)
