A quick explanation of this MiSTing…
This can almost be considered the “lost” MiSTing. You may notice that many of the familiar parts of the IM MiSTings are absent and there are only two riffers. Lauren and Stacey got together one night and riffed this episode for fun. Beholder was supposed to be MiSTed in the next hiatus, but by that time we were too busy trying to save the show we loved. So these riffs sat unused.
Until now
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Starring:
Stacey (AKA R2): The insane one
Lauren (AKA OboeCrazy): The crazy one.
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<Shot of a golfball rolling into a hole.>
Lauren: And Tiger Woods makes another 10 million!
<A golfer takes the ball from the hole, putting the flag back and then walking away.>
Stacey: Wait, I thought we were watching Beholder, when did this turn into Caddyshack?
Lauren: If that gopher shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<A golfer searches through the tall grass with his club.>
Lauren: That is one lost contact.
Stacey: (Australian accent) Weed wacker.
Lauren: Huh?
Stacey: I was going for the Foster’s motif.
<Golfer, “Oh there you are.”>
Stacey: Who is he talking to? The gopher?
Lauren: Good Lord, I hope not!
<The golfer picks up his ball out of the bushes and throws it into the clear.>
Lauren: Cheater cheater, pumpkin eater!
Stacey: (as Bart Simpson) I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove anything!
<Second golfer square off and hits his golf ball.>
Stacey: Looks like Tiger Woods got older, gained a few pounds, and is now...white...
Lauren: So he got tips from Michael Jackson then?
<Second golfer makes whistling and bomb dropping noises as the ball flies.>
Lauren: (as golfer) Get down! INCOMING!
Stacey: Fire in the hole!
Lauren: Is he allowed to do that? I thought WE were riffing...
Stacey: When did this become Apocalypse Now?
Lauren: Ah, I love the smell of napalm in the morning!
<Shot of a man walking towards the camera...the screen is blurry and wavy.>
Stacey: We about to have a flashback or something?
Lauren: Suddenly we’re in the Sahara!
Stacey: Focus! HEY! Focus!
<Second golfer picks up his club bag, the bag is in camouflage colors.>
Lauren: You think he’d loose his clubs all the time in that bag.
<The two men walk towards each other.>
Lauren: (as golfer) The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
Stacey (as the other man) You think I’d be your friggin’
friend if you...
Lauren: Wrong eppy AND wrong character!!
<The first golfer tries to play but the others are in his way.>
Lauren: (as golfer) No no no...that’s OK. Don’t let me bother you.
Stacey: He looks like a deformed peach.
<Hitman shoots second golfer.>
Lauren: (as hitman) So much for Arnold Palmer.
Stacey: (as hitman) That’s for breaking in on my tee time!
Lauren: I’m thinking that he has no friends if that’s his way of saying hello.
<First golfer runs towards his golf cart.>
Lauren: (as golfer) Man! I got to lay off those twinkies and beer!
Stacey: Uh...I walk faster than those things. He’s planning to escape how?
<A bullet hits the golf cart...first golfer crashes the cart and flies out.>
Lauren: See what happens when you don’t wear your seatbelt?
Stacey: Wow, I wonder if that’s the same magical bullet that killed Kennedy.
Lauren: I had heard those golf carts were prone to roll over with that narrow wheel base.
<Golfer rolls down the hill.>
Stacey: (as golfer) As...You...Wish!
Lauren: Thank you Princess Bride.
<Golfer, “Help! Help!”>
Stacey: Yeah, your acting needs all the help it can get.
Lauren: Oh now that’s just mean!
<The hitman fires a heat laser at the golfer, he screams and the picture fades to snow.>
Stacey: Man, what is it with bad guys taking out the SciFi transmitter?
<Shot of several copper figurines.>
Stacey: QVC apparently had a special. Buy 2 get the 3rd free.
Lauren: First roses and now collectibles? The Official’s got some sides to him too, I see.
<Darien’s voice over, “One nation, under God, invisible. That’s how I learned the Pledge of Allegiance as a kid.”>
Lauren: Mine went on...with ju-ju beans and Snickers for all!
<Darien’s voice over, “...it’s from the Bible. Something about the blind leading the blind.”>
Stacey: Better than the blond leading the blond.
Lauren: Besides, the blind know where they’re going.
(both high five each other)
Stacey: You realize we just made some enemies.
<Shot of the statue of the scales of justice chick.>
Lauren: OK is it just me or is she naked on top?
<Low shot looking up at the Official.>
Lauren: (as Official) I’m huge!
<Official, “Sit.”
Darien, “Woof.”>
Stacey: (as Official) Stay!
Lauren: (as Official) Heal!
Stacey: (as Official) Lycos, go get it!
Lauren: But can he roll over and play dead?
Stacey: No, but he begs for counteragent scraps at the table...
<Eberts, “Erwin McGoldrick is the father of Alan McGoldrick.”
Darien, “THE Alan McGoldrick.”>
Lauren: No no no...Charlie is THE Official, this guy doesn’t get a title.
Stacey: The one and only Alan McGoldrick? Are you sure? THE Alan McGoldrick?
Lauren: Who’s Alan McGoldrick?
Stacey: (shrugging) I donno, I was just playing along.
<Hobbes is sitting drinking coffee.>
Stacey: Wow...is that Starbucks? Did he stop at the Borders Cafe?!
Lauren: No wonder Hobbes want’s a raise...you know how much Starbucks coffee costs?
<Eberts, “He’s personally put up a $10 million reward for the capture of his father’s assassin.”
Official, “And every one of those dollars is tax free.”>
Stacey: Oh man, you can practically see the maniacal gleam in his eyes!
Lauren: Uh, Charlie, you got some drool on your chin there, hon...
<Hobbes, “Get who?”
Official, “The Chameleon.”>
Stacey: So...they’re going after a lizard now?
Lauren: (as Darien) Man these missions just get weirder and weirder...
<Eberts, “A world class terrorist that has filled the void left by Carlos the Jackal.”
Darien, “And what void is that? Bad guy named after an animal?”>
Stacey: Hey! What’s with Darien riffing himself all of a sudden?
Lauren: We DEFINITELY need to get him onboard during the next hiatus!
<Hobbes, “Try international assassin no one has ever seen...smartass...”>
(Stacey grins at Lauren and goes to say something)
Lauren: Don’t! Don’t say it!
Stacey: (as Darien) No thanks, international assassin’s give me gas, I’d like to try the potatoes instead.
<Official, “...the Chameleon disappears for 6 months after each hit.”>
Stacey: Wow, I think the Chameleon got a better deal on his invisibility gland.
Lauren: Somehow I don’t think that’s what he meant.
<Eberts, “The CIA has offered up their Chameleon files on holographic display disk.”>
Lauren: Oh if they go into one of those holodeck things from Star Trek I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<Official, “Eberts, we can’t afford holographic displays.”>
Stacey: (as Official) Damnit Eberts, this is the Agency, not the Enterprise!
<Eberts, “Fortunately I’ve been able to convert them to be read by our Tri-Dimentional Data Viewers.”
Darien, with a different pronunciation, “Tri-Dimentional Data Viewers?”>
Stacey: Po-tay-to
Lauren: Po-tah-to
Stacey: To-may-to
Lauren: To-mah-to
Both: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing off!
<Eberts hands out View Masters.>
Lauren: OH! I used to have the whole Disney set! Bambi, Snow White, Fantasia...never had the assassins slides...
Stacey: (choking on her iced tea) My sister and I had those things when we were kids!
Lauren: I think Eberts just raided a Toys ‘R’ Us!
<Darien, grabbing a view master, “No no no, I want the purple one!”>
Stacey: Ah...flashbacks to early childhood right there.
Lauren: If looks could kill, Hobbes just murdered Darien.
<Eberts, who is holding a red viewmaster to his face, “Now, the first shot is of...”>
Stacey: Snow white!
Lauren: Disney’s “Dinosaur”!
<Eberts clicks his view master once, Darien and Hobbes click theirs 3 times.>
Stacey: (as Eberts) Hey hey HEY! No clicking ahead!
<Official, “Anyone gets in his way, he blinds.”
Darien, “Blinds?”>
Stacey: Venetian? Horizontal? Cloth?
Lauren: Uh...wrong kind of blind, I think.
<Eberts, “He uses a blinding laser, a weapon that has been banned by the Genevia Convention.”>
Lauren: He built his own from instructions off the internet. That’s how Iraq got their nuclear weapons.
<Official, “So they can’t ID him, ever.”>
Stacey: I’d say being blinded is pretty permanent, yeah.
Lauren: Looks like ol’ Charlie’s going for the dramatic gold medal.
<Eberts, “In his carrier the Chameleon has assassinated 17 and blinded 37.”
Official, “Which brings us to how we’re gonna catch him.”>
Lauren: (as Official) We’re busting Scarborough out of prison to help.
<Eberts, “...therefore no one’s ever thought to look for...”
Official, “The possibility of a pattern.”>
Stacey: Plaid?
Lauren: Gold inlaid weaving?
Stacey: Suddenly the Chameleon is a quilt?
<Eberts, “We ran those names through a public search engine...”>
Stacey: Yahoo?
Lauren: Lycos?
<Eberts, as a picture is shown, “Laila Bach.”>
Lauren: Now is she related to J.S or P.D.Q?
Stacey: (singing) Laila! You got me on my knees, Laila! Beggin’ darlin’ please...
Lauren: Good thing Eric Clapton’s not dead or else he’d be rolling over in his grave.
<Eberts, “Fashion print model.”
Darien, “Nice.”
Hobbes, “Easy Junior.”>
Lauren: Is Darien a horse or Indiana Jones?
<Darien, “Guys please, a blind fashion model?”>
Stacey: Yeah, that’s like a recycled fake fur coat.
Lauren: Sshh! That’s Darien’s line!
<Hobbes, “You don’t know Laila?”
Darien, “No I don’t know Laila...oh you know Laila?”
Hobbes, “I know her...I mean she doesn’t know I know her...but...I know...”>
Lauren: So I guess Laila was need to know, huh?
<Eberts, “...we believe she in turn has a link to the Chameleon.”>
Stacey: Red rover, red rover, send Laila on over.
Lauren: Huh?
Stacey: You know...that weak link game...
<The Official, “You’re mission...”>
(both start singing the Mission Impossible Theme)
Stacey: I could see Darien as Ethan Hunt.
Lauren: You’re view master will self destruct in ten seconds.
<Official, “...and you have no choice but to accept it.”>
(both stop singing)
Stacey: Aw, that takes all the fun out of it!
Lauren: So...resistance is futile?
<Shot of gorgeous women in bikinis.>
Stacey: (groaning) Oh Lord, now we’re watching Baywatch.
Lauren: If they start running I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<As Darien tries to ask a question Hobbes keeps interrupting with “You were a model?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) For Visa cards...it was nothing major.
Stacey: (British) He was only a model.
Lauren: Towel model, hopefully.
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Darien, “I did some head shots for local hair salons.”>
Lauren: This really IS the Invisible Man and his hair!
Stacey: (as Darien) Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Lauren: And IManic’s everywhere suddenly pay more attention to those dorky hairstyle books at their salons.
<Hobbes laughs, Darien, “What? You’d do it too...well...”>
Stacey: If he had hair...that is...
Lauren: That’s mean!
Stacey: But it’s true!
Lauren: (as Hobbes) I just did some motor oil commercials, does that count?
<Hobbes, “Oh I am on task, Fabo!”>
Stacey: Somehow I can’t see Darien saying “I can’t believe it’s not butter”.
Lauren: No, but he does have a great chest!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Hobbes, “...he’s not exactly a primo target, it doesn’t add up.”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) I hate it when Eberts gets the number mixed up.
Lauren: Try carrying the two, Hobbes.
<Policeman walks on, “Excuse me, no press allowed.”
Hobbes flashes his badge and the Policeman walks off.>
Stacey: Ladies and Gentleman, give a big hand to our walk on for this episode!
Lauren: You know years from now, when that guy is famous, they’ll show this clip of him getting his first big acting job.
<Hobbes, to the Policeman, “Press? If I see any press I’ll tell ‘em!” He then gestures in the air with his hands.>
Lauren: Whoo! The Brooklyn in Paul is coming out strong!
Stacey: (as Hobbes) Yo! Yo! Yo! Wassup my man!
<Hobbes is ogling the models, “Oh come on, Fawkes, is that not beautiful? Georgeous!”>
Stacey: Well, we know he is a ladies man.
Lauren: Why am I getting the feeling that’s Paul talking, not Hobbes?
<Shot of Laila being lead off by a woman.>
Lauren: Why is that other chick wearing the New York Post as a skirt?
Stacey: I knew I-Man had a cheap budget, but that’s just ridiculous.
Lauren: (reading the skirt) Two crazed I-Man fans arrested for storming the set...
<Darien, “You know that’s not why she’s here, right?”
Hobbes, “Why is she here?”>
Stacey: To piss girls like me off.
Lauren: Didn’t we go over this question in “Ralph”?
<Darien, “Here we go, it’s that time.”>
Lauren: Time to spin the Wheel of Morality?
Stacey: Time to join the Mickey Mouse club?
Lauren: (singing) Time has come today!
Stacey: (singing) Tiiiime is on my side, yes it is!
<Darien, “It’s just going to be me and a bunch of naked models changing clothes.”>
Stacey: God...every man’s fantasy come to life!
Lauren: Every male on the cast and crew were very disappointed when that scene wasn’t filmed.
<Hobbes begs Darien to quicksilver him.>
Lauren: Wow, he sure came a long way from Cat and Mouse.
Stacey: I think he’s starting to realize the fringe benefits.
<Hobbes gives Darien a huge bear hug, “Quicksilver!”>
Stacey: (laughing so hard she chokes on her iced tea) Is he trying to squeeze it out of Darien?
<Charlie, the limo driver, helps Laila into her limo.>
Lauren: (laughing) I just love that guy, I think he’s so cute!
Stacey: (as Charlie) I have the best damn job in the world!
<Laila, “Fine Charlie, how’re the onion rings?”>
Lauren: (as Laila) Chew some Eclipse, dude, sheesh.
Stacey: (as Charlie) But I had onion rings yesterday...
<Passenger door opens and then closes as Charlie is getting in the limo.>
Stacey: Uh...both the sighted person and the blind woman with super senses didn’t see or hear that?
Lauren: Well...maybe they and Claire have something in common...
<Charlie leaves his door partially open, allowing Darien to exit.>
Stacey: Oh that’s convenient. Why not just roll down the window while your at it?
Lauren: Hey, it’s not easy figuring out how to get an invisible man out of a car! Leave Craig alone!
<Laila, talking about Charlie’s onion rings, “Save some for me next time.”>
Lauren: A model who eats something besides celery? This MUST be fantasy!
<Darien casually glances at his monitor and see’s only 2 green segments left.>
Stacey: (as Darien) Ho hum...almost time to go QSM now.
Lauren: You’d think he’d be a bit more...I donno, concerned.
<Shot of Hobbes surrounded by models hanging all over him.”>
Lauren: OK I need to know what is so special about working in Textiles, and if it’ll work on guys as well as girls.
Stacey: That confirms it, he’s a lady killer!
Lauren: All the Honeys just died of jealousy.
<Darien and Hobbes talk on their cell phones.>
Stacey: Wait, now they EACH have one?
Lauren: Looks like the Official cashed in on that ten-mill early.
<Darien, “Unfortunately I had to use a bit too much quicksilver on the way over here.”
Hobbes, still surrounded by models, “You see what you get for going in without your partner?”>
Lauren: Hobbes, considering your position, I don’t think you should argue.
<Darien, “Could you pick up a six-pack of counteragent on the way?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) And don’t get that ‘light’ crap.
Stacey: (as Darien) Maybe a bag of pretzels too, while you’re at it.
Lauren: (as Darien) And don’t forget the limes.
Stacey: Wait, what happened to the Coronas?
<Laila screams as she is teased by a man.>
Stacey: Hey, no fair picking on the blind one!
Lauren: Seems to me that he’s got an unfair advantage.
<Laila, “Well you could come by one of these days and see for yourself.” She tisks.>
Lauren: (as Crichton) Oh don’t you *tsk* me!
<Claude, “I get jealous of all those people looking at you.>
Stacey: (gagging) Oh God, I’m going to be ill.
Lauren: If they start making kissing noises I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<Claude, “I like to pretend...”
Stacey: (as Claude) ...and sometimes dress up as Little Bo Peep.
(Lauren shudders)
<Laila, “When are we going to Greece?”>
Stacey: (as Claude) Just as soon as I kill this one last...
Lauren: (whacking Stacey with a pillow) Shh!
<Darien watches Laila and Claude kiss.>
Lauren: (as Darien) This is the part of the job I love...
Stacey: Oh eeeww!!
<Laila, hearing Darien knock over some pebbles, “There’s someone outside.”>
Lauren: (as Laila) Thank you bionic hearing!
Stacey: Oh sure, THAT she hears!
Lauren: Stacey...knock knock.
Stacey: Who’s there?
Lauren: Ssh!
<Claude, “I’ll get the wine.”>
Lauren: (as Laila) But...what about the guy outside?
<Darien watches Claude get up and walk away, he continues to peer inside the home.>
Stacey: Uh, Darien, now would be a good time to RUN!
Lauren: Can’t he hear the creepy music?
<Claude, “You got too close, my friend...”>
Stacey: Now he’s imitating Hobbes?
<Claude, “...you saw my face. That’s too close.”>
Stacey: (singing) Get close a little longer, longer with Big Red...
<Claude, running in through the huge metal doors, “Get ready to leave!”>
Lauren: Damn, he lives in a fortress! Look at the thickness of that door!
<Claude grabs the blinding laser. Darien recovers from being attacked and looks up, panicked.>
Lauren: OK all together now...
Both: Aw crap!!
Lauren: Exactly.
Both: RUN DARIEN, RUN!!!
<Claude aims his gun.>
Stacey: (as Claude) Pull!
<As Darien runs away, he looks back over his shoulder.>
Both: No no! Don’t look back ya schmuck!!
Lauren: If he’d been turned into salt we could all lick him!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<The lazer fire hits Darien, he turns invisible. Claude runs over.>
Lauren: (as Claude) Wow...lazer never did that before! Oh, I had it on evaporate!
Stacey: (as Claude) Let’s see...hit him with a blinding laser, open field, no place to hide...
Lauren: (as Claude) I hate it when I loose my victims that way.
<Claude, “What are you doing with the phone?”>
Stacey: (as Laila) I use it to call people, why? What do YOU do with it?
<Laila, “I was scared something happened to you, I called the police!”
Claude, “NO!!!”>
Lauren: (as Ator) NO! NO!
Stacey: Huh?
Lauren: Oh sorry....MST3K reference....
<Claude, to Laila, “Don’t believe what you hear.”>
Lauren: (as Laila) Well...OK...but it’s hard to function on smell.
<Hobbes runs up to Darien, the sky is once again bright blue and clear.>
Lauren: (singing) I can see clearly now the rain is gone...
Stacey: Unfortunately looks like Darien’s can’t.
<Darien lies on the ground, face scrunched in pain and fear.>
Stacey: (covering her eyes) Oh God I can’t watch this...
Lauren: But you know how it ends.
Stacey: Still, this is just too painful to watch.
<Ultra-close up of Darien’s cloudy eyes.>
Both: GAH!
Stacey: Oh those contacts have GOT to suck!
Lauren: It’s attack of the eye creatures!
<Darien, “Hobbes, I can’t see!” Picture fades to black.>
Stacey: (as director) Hey! Who killed all the lights?!
<Claire, “All right...let me explain.”>
Lauren: (as Claire) ...in overly simplistic terms so everyone can understand.
<Claire, “...and POP goes your eyeball!”
Darien, “Thanks for that image.”>
Stacey: (singing) POP goes your eyeball!
Lauren: (as Claire) Well with you being blind I figured I’d describe something you could visualize easily!
<Claire, “The gland saved you.”
Darien, “Well be sure to thank it for me.”
Claire gives Darien a shot of counteragent, “Well I’m doing that right now.”>
Lauren: Considering the gland tries to drive him nuts every six days, isn’t giving him a shot really thanking Darien?
Stacey: So Hobbes forgot the six pack then?
Lauren: Look, Darien’s already suffering OK? Why add to it?!
<Darien, quicksilvered, “I can see.”>
Lauren: ...said the invisible blind man.
<Official, “The man you knew wasn’t the man you knew.”>
Stacey: (as Official) You know?
Lauren: Wow, OK I need to meditate on that for a while.
Stacey: Can we every truly know someone?
Lauren: Please, I get enough philosophy from Darien.
<Official, “What else do you want to know?”>
Stacey: Who is Kaizier Sose, what did you do last...
Lauren: Stop that!
<Hobbes, “...I’ll introduce you to my partner who your darling wine dealer may have permanently blinded.”>
Stacey: (rustling papers) Actually, Hobbes, if you flip forward in the script a few pages you’ll see...
Lauren: (whacking Stacey with a pillow) Don’t give it away!
<Laila, “But Claude wouldn’t hurt a fly.”>
Stacey: No, he’d just blind it.
Lauren: He’s a very strange Buddhists...won’t kill any animals because they may be reincarnations of people he’s killed.
<Eberts, “We ran a check on the name Claude Escofier. Born Paris France 1960...”
Official, “And he died there, in 1969.”>
Lauren: Dear God...Claude is one of the UNDEAD!!
<Official, “Is there anything we can do for you?”>
Stacey: (as Laila) Can you get me a date with both Darien and Hobbes, preferably while they’re both in towels?
Lauren: *snorting* You say that “as Laila” as if you wouldn’t like the same thing!
<Official, “Within reason.”>
Stacey: (as Laila) Oh, in that case no.
<Laila, “What was the name of the man that was blinded?”
Hobbes, “Fawkes....Darien Fawkes.”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) They call him Furious D.
Lauren: Sean Conerry is Darien Fawkes as James Bond in the new spy thriller, The Invisible Bond!
<Darien, invisible, plays with a banana, bugging Claire.>
Lauren: So is that a banana in his pocket or is he just happy not to be seen?
<Claire, to Darien, “Just sit down and stop the flow, all right?”>
(Stacey and Lauren exchange looks)
Stacey: Well I’m not gonna touch that one.
Lauren: I would, but this is a family show.
<Darien feels his way along the desk, touching Claire’s butt in the process.>
Stacey: Hey! Hey hey! You’re a married man, remember?
Lauren: (as Claire) Darien, is that a banana or...
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
<Claire, “So you can only see...”
Darien, “When you can’t see me.”>
Stacey: Uh, unless you quicksilver your eyes of course.
Lauren: Plus it makes for a much cooler effect.
<Hobbes, “Big guy.”
Darien, “What do you mean, ‘big guy’?”
Hobbes, “How you feelin’ there paly, alright?”
Darien, “Paly?”>
Stacey: Is Darien a macaw now?
Lauren: Do you hear an echo?
<Darien, “No, I’m good. Thanks.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Except for the fact that I can’t see, my doctor’s as warm as a wet fish, and my partner is coddling me....otherwise yeah, I’m good.
Lauren: Good lookin’ maybe.
(Stacey swoons)
Lauren: Oh...I was SO close!
<Official, “Darien, I want you to meet Laila Bach.”>
Lauren: She makes trumpets.
Stacey: Huh?
Lauren: Sorry...musician joke...
<Eberts, “Ms. Bach if you’ll come with me.”>
Lauren: Wow, first Ivy and now Laila. Being a government lacky has it’s perks!
Stacey: Go Mike! Go Mike!
<Claire, “He can see while quicksilvered.”
Hobbes, “And what if he isn’t?”
Darien, “Ray Charles.”>
Stacey: (singing) Georgia...ooohhh...Georgia...the whole day through...
Lauren: So...Darien turns into a short, old, blind, black man when not quicksilvered?
<Darien, “All I need is some counteragent for the road, and I’ll be fine.”>
Lauren: Why, is the road going quicksilver mad?
Stacey: (groaning) Oh come on...
Lauren: Give me a break, they can’t all be gems!
<Darien is hunched over, feeling along the desk, we can see the top of his underwear.>
Lauren: (nudging Stacey) Look, Fruit of the Looms!
Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Lauren: Like taking candy from a baby.
<Darien, “I don’t want your pity, Hobbes!”>
Stacey: (singing) R-E-S-P-E-C-T,. find out what it means to me...
Lauren: Go Ree-Ree...Go Ree-Ree!
<Darien, “I can take care of myself.” He walks into a chair and falls down.>
Stacey: Oh ouch, saw that one coming.
Lauren: Good thing we’re alone, we’d be trampled by fans trying to hug the TV.
<Official, “I never thought I’d see this day.”>
Lauren: Well Darien’s isn’t.
(Stacey groans)
<Another shot of Darien with those milky eyes.>
Lauren: (shuddering) God...looking at those eyes makes me want to run and tear my own contacts out!
<Official, “Darien, take a break.”>
Stacey: (as Official) ...of that Kitkat bar.
<Claude enters an abandoned warehouse, struggles to lift a heavy door.>
Lauren: Wow, bad guy using an abandoned warehouse as a hide out...that’s almost too cliché.
Stacey: (as Claude) Damn garage door openers, never work when you want them too...
Lauren: Hey, that looks like Darien’s apartment building.
<Claude pulls out a makeup kit, complete with fake hair and teeth.>
Lauren: (singing) I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!
Stacey: And suddenly we ARE watching Mission Impossible!
Lauren: If he pulls off a mask to reveal Tom Cruise I am SO switching to Comedy Central.
<Darien sits in the lab chair in jeans and the Barfly T-shirt.>
Lauren: Dear God he’s in jeans!! I can even forgive the shirt for that! Thank you Craig!!
Stacey: So he’s either gotta be blind or possessed to wear jeans?
<Darien tilts his head to the side as he rummages through the fridge.>
Stacey: What...is he hoping the yogurt will call out to him?
<Claire, bringing Laila in, “I have someone here to see you.”>
Lauren: *ahem* So to speak...
Stacey: (as Darien) Everyone’s a comedian.
<Laila, “I know what you’re going through.”>
Lauren: She has a brother that implanted a gland into...
Stacey: No!
<Laila, “Think of it as a blind date.”>
Lauren: Oh wow...PC people all over have just gone ballistic.
Stacey: I swear, if ONE more person makes a bad pun...I’ll...
Lauren: ...switch to Comedy Central?
<Claude, “This comm link is secure.”>
Stacey: (as Claude) It has no ego to bruise and it has a strong sense of self.
Lauren: You need help.
<Voice, “You sound upset.”
Claude, “You upset me.”>
Stacey: (as Claude) Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
<Claude rips out a picture of Laila in a magazine.>
Lauren: (as Claude) I’ll just hang this next to my Brittney Spears pictures.
<Claude sets the picture on fire.>
Lauren: (singing) Burn baby burn!
<Cameraman, “Growl for me...now your a flower, nice and loose, now a rose...”>
Stacey: (as Laila) Hey, you wanna make up your mind please? I can’t do a growling flower!
Lauren: (as Cameraman) Now a fashion model!
Stacey: (as Laila) I can’t do that!
<Shot of Laila wearing a green sequenced top.>
Stacey: Are those fish scales?
Lauren: And here we see the lovely Laila Bach sporting the latest from the Little Mermaid collection.
<Laila, to the woman leading her, “Winds making your job tough today, huh?”>
Lauren: (as woman) I’m just a walk on, don’t ask me!
<Shot of Darien wearing shades.>
Stacey: Uh...he’s blind...no glare...
Lauren: But he looks SO good in them.
<As Laila and Darien talk, the woman fixes Laila’s hair and makeup.>
Lauren: (as woman) Oh who did this last time? This is such a mess...girl you need a complete makeover!
<Claude watches Darien and Laila through the binoculars.>
Lauren: So instead of letterbox format, we get binocular vision?
<Laila, “I can’t believe Claude managed to lie to me for two whole months. How can someone manage to hide that much?”
Darien, “Takes a lot of work.”>
Stacey: And Darien would know.
Lauren: So even when we’re not watching the Pilot we’re watching the Pilot?
<Laila, “I’m not a fool, he wasn’t lying about the way he felt about me.”>
Stacey: (singing) Why do fools fall in love, why do birds sing so gay...
<Darien, “People can love other people and still do bad things.”
Laila, “You talking from experience?”>
Stacey: (as Vince) No, I was reading from the script. Why? Wasn’t I convincing enough?
Lauren: Uh oh...Pilot exposition dead ahead!
<Darien, “I had a girlfriend, Cassey.”>
Lauren: (bitter) Who just up and vanished after the Pilot.
<Darien, “She found out, I went to prison, then I went to work for the government.”>
Lauren: Wow, the Pilot in a very very small nutshell.
Stacey: So, uh, how did he explain that exactly?
Lauren: Oh that’s easy, the governments always looking for more thieves.
<Laila, “Things change, people change.”>
Lauren: But their wardrobes remain the same.
Stacey: Let it go, Lauren!
Lauren: (singing) To everything turn...turn...turn...
<Darien, “Where are you going?”
Laila, “I’m going to change.”>
Stacey: (grumbling) Hopefully into someone who can act...
Lauren: Oh...so she was being literal before when she talked about people changing.
<Darien, “Wait a minute, I can’t see anything anyway!”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Until I quicksilver my eyes, that is.
Lauren: Darien you got your fill with the naked supermodels!
<Claude, “Don’t make a sound.”
Laila, “Claude?”>
Lauren: (as Claude) What part of ‘don’t make a sound’ did you not understand?
<Claude, “They didn’t tell you everything because they don’t know everything. It’s not their fault.”>
Stacey: Script changes didn’t make it in time, apparently.
Lauren: The Official will just blame it on poor Eberts anyway.
<Laila, “You lied to me!”
Claude, “No, I withheld the truth to protect you!”>
Lauren: Wow, he sounds like a politician.
Stacey: A lie of omission is still a lie.
Lauren: Is that more keychain crap?
<Claude, “You have to trust me!”>
Lauren: OK Mulder.
Stacey: Said the international assassin to the fly.
Lauren: Why isn’t she screaming? I’d have my head out of the window bawling like a banshee.
<Laila, “Wait!”
Claude, “Shh!”>
Lauren: Laila must have been about to spill a spoiler.
Stacey: (as Dr. Evil) Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named ‘ssh!’
<Darien runs after the car and jumps on top as it speeds away.>
Lauren: Man when Darien want’s a ride he won’t take no for an answer!
Stacey: Oh jezz....this can’t end well.
Lauren: Are you kidding, this didn’t even being well!
<Claude makes a quick turn and sends Darien flying into the back of a car.>
Lauren: Claude’s just pretending to be Jack Nicholson...except he used Darien instead of a golf club.
Stacey: (as Mr. Burns) Bones breaking...body leaking vital fluids...
Lauren: (wincing) Maybe the back 9 will be kindlier and gentler to Darien.
Stacey: Yeah...keep hoping...
<Darien wakes up in pain.>
Stacey: (as Vince) That’s it, next time we use a stunt double!
<Darien, “Where am I?”>
Stacey: (as Shannon) On the set of the Invisible Man, Vince, you OK?
Lauren: Maybe he hit his head harder than they thought.
<Darien, “Claude, Claude got Laila.”>
Stacey: (as Darien) Just when I was about to make my move too, dangit!
Lauren: It sounds like he read one too many Dick and Jane books.
<Hobbes, “Doesn’t add up, Chief.”>
Lauren: McCloud!
<Darien, “I don’t think he ever left.”>
Lauren: Who could leave the city of perpetual blue skies?
<Darien, “I don’t think he’s finished.”
Claire, “Finished with what?”>
Stacey: His Christmas shopping! What do you mean ‘with what’?
Lauren: You know, for a scientist, she’s not really on the ball.
<Darien, “And we know that’s his signature lie, what he said every time he had a hit.”>
Stacey: So, Claude’s in a band too?
Lauren: Was it better than Chumbawumba?
<Darien, “He’s flushing the mark!”>
Lauren: That’s just a cute way of saying he had to go to the bathroom.
<Darien, “Guy comes home, see’s he’s being clipped and he makes a beeline right for his hidden safe.”>
Stacey: The one behind the picture on the wall, right?
<Darien, “Claude is gonna kill Alan McGoldrick tomorrow morning.”>
Stacey: Unless, of course, he’s on...say...a roof. And we all KNOW how well Darien does around other people in high places.
Lauren: (glares at Stacey) How do you keep anything quiet?
<Hobbes, to Darien, “You got a criminal mind, did I ever tell you that?”>
Lauren: (as Darien) Yea, but never as a compliment!
Stacey: (as Darien) Well, I was a thief.
Lauren: And then there’s that whole pond not changing it’s scum thing.
<Darien, “...that it didn’t add up, did you say that?”
Hobbes, “Yes.”
Darien, “You said that, right?”
Hobbes, “Right.”
Darien, “And it didn’t add up, right?”>
Stacey: (as Hobbes) What are you deaf too? I just said yes!
<Darien, “Alan McGoldrick is huge!”>
Stacey: Hey hey hey! Let’s be PC about this.
Lauren: Use the term “gravitationally challenged” next time, Darien.
<Darien, “...I mean he probably owns like 5% of the planet.”>
Stacey: Oh, is that all?
Lauren: (as Bill Gates) While I own the rest, hahahaha!
<Darien, “It’s time to go warn the rich guy.”>
Lauren: Bill Gates?
Stacey: Donald Trump?
Lauren: Steven Speilberg?
<Hobbes, in really bad ADR, “Very nice work Fawkes...very very impressive.”>
Lauren: Hobbes, it doesn’t pay to show off your ventriloquism talent when Darien is blind!
Stacey: (in a Mexican accent) On a steek!
<Darien and Hobbes go to high five, they miss and Darien almost whacks Claire.>
Stacey: Oh...thought we almost had a cool Top Gun moment going there.
<Claude, “Don’t you want to ask me anything?”>
Lauren: What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Stacey: Who is Kaizer Sose...
(Lauren whacks Stacey with her pillow)
<Claude, “Then why don’t you ask me a question I don’t want to answer.”>
Stacey: (as Laila) Do you think I can act?
Lauren: (as Claude) I don’t want to answer that.
<Laila, “What color is your hair?”
Claude, “Oh come on, Laila!”>
Stacey: (as Claude) You know I wear a wig!
<Claude, “I am not a murderer. I am a professional assassin.”>
Lauren: *snort* And I’m not a starving artist, I’m a professional musician.
<Claude, “My anonymity is all that keeps me free.”>