MiSTing: Legends

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Somewhere in the suburbs of Atlanta GA, Stacey AKA R2 AKA Goddess of IMan sits feeding her new baby...

Stacey: Can you say Dada? Da...da...no? Howabout Mama? MAMA...come on...Ma-ma. OK try ‘oh crap’...OH...(the doorbell rings)...huh? Hrm, wonder who that can be.

Jacob: (as Stacey walks to the door) Da...ma...crap...

(Stacey opens the door to discover a tired but happy OboeCrazy on her doorstep)

Lauren: Hey you! I’m here! But only for a little bit, I’m on my way to my new home in Florida!

Stacey: Great! That’s enough time to do a little riffing!

Lauren: You don’t mind if I brought a few friends, do you?

Stacey: Well a few shouldn’t be a problem...

Lauren: Great! Come on in gang!

(as six IManiacs pile out of Lauren’s tiny little stuffed car, someone presses PLAY...)

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MiSTing: Legends (or Invisible Harry and the Hendersons)

Our Riffers (in the order they got their riffs in):

Stacey (R2): How the FRELL did you all fit in that car?

Lauren (OboeCrazy): Lots of Crisco.

Liz (Liz_Z): I had to sit on her Farscape tapes all the way down.

IMan (IMANCRAZY): Yea? I had to sit on her VCR!

Bryna (LadyB AKA Alli 2): I’m worse, I got the hard drive!

Emma (EmmaHobbes): Well I got the stick shift!

Img (Iman_girl): (wincing) Oh don’t go to Naughtyville yet, the eppy hasn’t started yet!

Joyce (Invisible_Mom): Well you don’t have to wait much longer...look!

And so our episode beings...

(Lauren howls)

Stacey: (singing) Blue moon...ooohhh!

Lauren: (singing) You will go to the moon...

Img: It must be E.T.’s night off.

Lauren: (as a Native American) Get it? Because he can?

Stacey: Man, I hate coming in at the end of a conversation.

Lauren: Do you think they’re laughing at us?

Joyce: (singing) Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya...

<Darien’s voice over, “A bad boy, Salman Rushdie, once wrote that sometimes legends make reality and become more useful then the facts. Well these are the facts of two legends meeting face to face many moons ago.”>

Liz: So we’re getting a history lesson?

Emma: Two legends...like Billy the Kid and Puff the Magic Dragon?

Img: (as Sports Announcer) That’s right folks! We’ll watch an intense battle, the Invisible Man vrs Wendigo on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!!!

Stacey: Sorry, we didn’t mean to interrupt. Carry on.

Lauren: (as Young Man) How...many fingers?

Joyce: Don’t these guys watch TV? Don’t go!!

Stacey: If you ask me, a pair of night vision goggles and a rifle might be better.

Lauren: Good thing we didn’t ask you, then.

Liz: If you ask me, if it wasn’t for Darien’s voice over, I would’ve thought this was one of SciFi’s crappy horror films.

Stacey: Come back, Shayne!

Img: Apparently Smoky the Bear was not happy about that last forest fire.

Stacey: Dude, that is one bad toupee.

Lauren: Obviously doesn’t shop at the same store as Bill Shatner.

Lauren: William Tell is at it again.

Stacey: Special delivery from Robin Hood!

Joyce: I guess this camp has an archery class at night.

Liz: Hrm, I guess it wasn’t as many moons ago as we thought!

Stacey: Oh sure, now he gets the gun! Where was he 10 seconds ago?

Bryna: I didn’t know Native Americans carried guns.

Lauren: I didn’t know Native Americans carried purses.

Stacey: (as Oldest) Sucker! I mean...uh...good luck!

Liz: (singing) Because I’m all ALONE, there’s no one here besides me.

(everyone whacks Liz with their pillows)

Lauren: (as Oldest Man) Oh, I think I need to change my buckskin Depends!

Stacey: (as Oldest Man) I’m going to go for help! This is me, going for help!

Stacey: So, is Legends kind of like Legends of the fall, or The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, or that Tom Cruise movie Legend, or...

Lauren: You can’t be serious.

Stacey: I can’t help it, it’s on back order!

<Darien’s voice over, “You know how they say all good things must come to an end? Well the bad things just get worse.”>

Lauren: Is that like good things coming to those who wait but the bad things are always impatient?

Stacey: Obviously a creed that SciFi lives by.

Lauren: But Bonnie keeps on going.

(Stacey and Lauren low five)

Liz: Oh no! It’s the end of an era.

Lauren: (as Eberts) What’s this bug doing here?

Stacey: Mike, you can’t take that with you.

Lauren: That’s creepily ironic.

<Official, to Darien and Hobbes, “Ah Gentlemen, come on in.”>

Img: (snorting) Our boys? Gentlemen?!

<Official, “I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?”>

Emma: (as Official) Either way you’re getting screwed.

Stacey: (as Darien) What’s the good news?

Lauren: (as Official) Scifi picked us up for a year.

Stacey: (as Darien) The bad?

Lauren: (as Official) Scifi picked us up for ONLY a year.

<Darien, “Good news.”

Hobbes, “Bad news.”

Darien, “No you get the good news.”

Hobbes, “You get the bad news.”>

Stacey: Well at least they agree.

Liz: Are they gonna debate this all day, or is there a plot in here somewhere?

<Eberts, “The Agency is no longer under the department of Fish and Game.”

Darien, “Is that the good news or the bad news?”>

Liz: Of course it’s bad news, it’s VERY bad news!

<Eberts, “They failed to renew our contract for the next quarter, yes.”>

Stacey: Kind of like...

Lauren: Don’t say it.

Stacey: But it’s just like...

Lauren: Stop!

<Strange, funky music plays.>

Lauren: ...the Hell?

Stacey: Sounds like the Official shouldn’t have had those beans for lunch.

<Official, “Plus the embarrassment of having to work for such a minor league department.”>

Stacey: (as Darien) We’re moving to the Majors?

Lauren: (as Official) That’s the bad news, we’re moving to the Little League.

Lauren: Someone tell James Gallway to go practice someplace else!

Stacey: ...Indian Affairs? Wait a sec, we’re moving to Asia?

Img: Indian affairs couldn’t possibly be more complicated than presidential ones.

<Official, “No, this is still the Agency and I am still in charge.”>

Img: (as Eberts) And we’re still under-funded.

<Official, “Sit down, boys.”>

Lauren: (as Darien) Woof.

Stacey: Wrong eppy!

Lauren: Sorry...it’s a habit now!

IMan: (as Eberts) Look at me, I’m a little Indian Boy.

Lauren: All hail Chief Eberts!

Emma: That’ll make the Official jealous.

Stacey: Chance.

Lauren: What?

Stacey: Every Indian knows how, all they need is a chance.

(everyone whacks Stacey with their pillows)

<Hobbes, “A new casino job? All right!”>

Joyce: Bobby and Darien in tuxes again? All right!

Lauren: (fainting) <THUD>!

Iman: What’s with Oboe and tuxes?

Stacey: Must be a musician thing.

<Official, “Because Papa and his buddy are going into the woods.”>

Stacey: (as Official) And then over the river where you will finally end up at grandmother’s house.

Lauren: (singing) Into the woods, it’s time to go I hate to leave I have to though...

Stacey: I always saw Darien more as the Wolf.

Liz: Camping trips build character. I hate building character.

Lauren: Did Dave Mathews score this part?

Everyone: GAH!

Stacey: Gads, Darien! Don’t do that, give me a frelling heart attack!

Lauren: A little warning would’ve been nice.

Liz: (as Darien) I love amnesia!!

Lauren: (as Darien) Packers! WOO!

Stacey: I think Darien is calling to the wild.

Lauren: I think the wild is running away.

<Hobbes, “Bobby Hobbes, F and G.”>

Liz: Bobby Hobbes, FBI. Bobby Hobbes, CIA.

Stacey: Bobby Hobbes, NSA.

Liz: He was never with them!

Stacey: Fine...Bobby Hobbes, MIB.

Liz: He was never with them either!

Stacey: Yea, but it sounds cool!

Emma: Bobby Hobbes, handcuffed to my bed...(off the others strange looks) Hey, that sounds cool too!

<Hobbes, “I think F&G sounds better, what do you think?”>

Stacey: Personally I think renewal sounds even better.

Lauren: I’d rib you about being bitter...except I feel the same way.

<Hobbes, “Let me just tell you something. A transfer is one step from decommission, my friend.”>

Liz: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Lauren: And hinkeyness.

<Darien, “I think I see a chipmunk over there that cares.”>

Lauren: He must have sent Hallmark.

Stacey: Chip or Dale?

Lauren: The dancers?

Stacey: No, the cartoon!

Lauren: Oh. I’d prefer the dancers.

<Gray, “I take it you’re the Agency.”

Hobbes, “Who wants to know?”>

Stacey: The chipmunk?

Lauren: The dancers?

Liz: (jumping up and down) I do, I do!!

Stacey: Oh wait... you don’t need to know, because if you needed to know...

(everyone whacks Stacey with their pillows)

<Gray, introducing himself, “John Gray.”>

Img: Mr. Gray?! Sounds like a rejected character from Clue!

<Gray, “Tribal council assigned me as your scout.”>

Joyce: Man, I don’t have any scouts who look like him in my troop!

Lauren: He’s an Indian scout, not a Boy Scout.

Joyce: Oh. Pity.

<Gray, “Let’s get one thing straight. We don’t want you here.”>

Lauren: We?

Stacey: (as Gray) Yes, we. Me, myself, and I.

Lauren: Thank you Jim Carrey.

IMan: Well WE need to work on our people skills. That’s not how you make people feel welcome.

<Darien, “Look, the BIA ordered us down here. They told you, right?”>

Liz: Oh come on, the government never tells anyone anything!

<Gray, “BIA is a government Agency. I don’t trust government agencies.”>

Lauren: (as Gray) Not after that Anasazi episode of X-Files!

Emma: (checking out Gray) Don’t you hate it when guys have prettier hair than you?

<Hobbes, “Trust me, you can trust us.”>

Lauren: Yea? Well trust works both ways!

<Claire, “We should take a look at the victims’ bodies.”

Gray, “You mean the remains.”>

Stacey: Yea, the corpses.

Lauren: You know, the cadavers, the stiffs...

Stacey: The parts of parts of and pieces of pieces.

Img: Can I just examine Darien’s body?

<Gray, “He said the groin area of each man was struck first before they were dismembered.”>

Lauren: Joined the Vienna Boys Choir, eh?

Liz: Sounds to me like they were attacked by a jealous girlfriend.

Emma: Ah yes, the elusive Lorena Bobbitt monster.

<Gray, “There was no weapon used.”>

Stacey: (as Chief Brody) This was no boating accident!

<Darien, “Hey guys, wait a minute. This doesn’t look like the kind of hit Vegas would commission.”>

Liz: Yeah, the peeps from Vegas would have no reason to attack those guys in their...

(Everyone hits Liz with their pillows)

<Man, “Wasn’t done by any man.”>

Lauren: Well the female of the species is more deadly...

Stacey: I don’t think that’s what he ment.

Liz: Then who did it, Mr. Nobody?

<Gray, to Joseph, “...and we’re a little busy now.”>

Stacey: (as Gray) So in other words, scram. Beat it. Get outta here. Scidaddle.

<Joseph, “I saw them die.”>

Img: Leaningtree saw dead people.

<Joseph, “It was Wendigo that took those boys.”

Hobbes, “What? Wendys?”>

Lauren: Dave Thomas goes PSYCHO!

Stacey: A drive through window did that?

Liz: Yea Hobbes, the hit was commissioned by a fast food chain.

IMan: Yum...I could go for some fries right about now.

Img: Perhaps the Wendigo took them to dinner...he wasn’t very specific...took them where?!

<Joseph, “Ain’t no boggie man.”>

Stacey: How about Spiderman?

Lauren: Superman?

Stacey: Wonder WoMAN?

(Lauren whacks Stacey with a pillow)

Stacey: Ow! You’re getting mean!

<Joseph, “Eyes like glow like red hot coals.”>

Joyce: Kinda reminds me of someone we all know and love.

Liz: So this Wendigo thingie has QSM too?

<Joseph, “A shapeshifter.”>

Stacey: Odo is in this one?

Joyce: Is he related to Scarborough?

Stacey: Yeah, those Wendy’s burgers will get you...

Lauren: Considering what the Wendigo did first to those guys, Darien should watch out for the Wendigo between his legs!

Liz: Since when is the gland in Darien’s heart?

Lauren starts sneezing

Stacey: Bless you.

Lauren: Thanks.

Liz: Hey look everyone! The SUV is quicksilvering!

Liz: Is that mud or Wendigo poop?

Joyce: Man that’s deep. Gonna need a crane to haul him out of there!

Emma: LOL! Boy Bobby you really stepped in it this time!

(everyone whacks Emma with their pillows)

Lauren: And Darien’s dorky clothing tradition continues.

Stacey: Ssshh, be vewy vewy quiet...he’s hunting wabbits.

Liz: ...and Wendigos.

<Claire, “Eh, they’re city slickers.”>

Lauren: Oh yea, and the English are well renown for their love of camping.

<Gray, “Joseph’s got no kids.”>

Stacey: And Gray has no grammar.

<Hobbes, to Gray, “Let me teach you a little something about triangulating trajectory.”>

Liz: Oh! We’re gonna learn more about the Crack Bang theory!

IMan: Wow, I can never look at a water bottle the same way again.

Liz: OK...animals pee all over that reservation every day.

Lauren: (as Gray) We only want deer, beaver, and bird crap in our streams.

Bryna: If the dudes have to use the little water bottle, what exactly was Claire gonna use?

Img: (as Gray) If you want a Gatorade bottle it’ll cost you an extra dollar.

<Darien checks out the size of the bottle opening, “I can work with that.”

Claire, “Aim to kill.”>

Lauren: (as Darien) Wait, are you saying the gland made my pee deadly?!

IMan: (as Gray) Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off to work we go!

Joyce: On the bottom of his feet?

Lauren: Wow, stereo detective!

(Liz sneaks away from the crime scene, whipping away her footprints with a pine branch)

Lauren: Thrill as he...looks.

Stacey: I swear if Michael Myers shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central.

Lauren: (giving Stacey a look) Wait a sec, that’s MY LINE!

Stacey: First come first served.

<Claire, Hobbes, and Gray step away from a very large footprint.>

Liz: All right, everyone start searching for beanstalks.

<Hobbes, “Looks like this is going to the X-Files I guess.”>

Stacey: Oh good, so we can all call it a day and watch a better eppy then?

Lauren: Oh play nice, it’s a Craig eppy.

Stacey: Please, it’s a bad Craig eppy.

IMan: It’s still better then most of the stuff on TV.

Lauren: Wouldn’t you love to see Claire and Scully try to out-scientist each other?

Stacey: And we’d finally get someone taller then Darien on the show!

Lauren: Thank you Mark Snow.

<Claire, “Whatever made this print was prehensile, weighed about eight-hundred pounds, and stood upright.”>

Img: Well that explains where the Secret Sumo Wrestling Fan Club meets.

<Hobbes, as everyone discusses someone bringing in a pneumatic press to punch in the print, “Guys guys, I think there’s an obvious alternative we’re not considering here.”>

Lauren: They dug out the print?

Stacey: Aliens?

Lauren: Snuffalofogous?

<Hobbes, “Do I gotta spell it out for you, Keep? Bigfoot! That’s a big foot!”

Darien, “Sasquatch.”

Hobbes, “Yetti.”

Darien, “Wendigo.”

Hobbes, “Bingo!”>

Liz: No no no! You’re supposed to say ‘Oh crap!’.

Lauren: Never quite mastered that at IManicon, did ya?

<Darien, “Huh!”

Hobbes, “Huh!”>

Liz: Is there an echo in here?

Stacey: Is there an echo in here?

Lauren: Is there an echo...

(everyone whacks Lauren with their pillows)

Liz: It would have been funnier if we stopped sooner.

<Claire, “A possibility of what? A giant, bi-pedal primate that’s been roaming around North America that’s been somehow able to elude scientific observation for hundreds and hundreds of years.”>

Lauren: Well...when you put it that way.

Stacey: Perhaps if it had an invisibility gland...

Lauren: Shh! Don’t give it away!

Stacey: Oh come on! Like we all haven’t watched this one a gazillion times!

<Claire, “Yes, but only one reality.”>

Lauren: Steven Hawkings would disagree.

Stacey: This is beyond reality.

Lauren: Oh I loved that show!

Lauren: Woa! The drugs just kicked in!

Liz: I think someone just hit the fast forward button.

Joyce: Time flies when you’re having fun.

Stacey: When did this become Speed?

Every female in the room gasps and faints, <THUD>

Lauren: (recovering) Frell, Darien, don’t DO THAT!!

Lauren: OK, who’s playing with the laser pointers again?

Joyce: And Darien still can’t take his potty break.

<Joseph’s voice over, “Eyes that glow like red hot coals.”>

Liz: Hey, I thought only Darien did voice overs!

<Hobbes, “Is it one of your chipmunks?”

Darien, “They don’t squeak like that.”>

Lauren: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard Alvin, Simon and Theodore sing? Yech!

<Claire, patting Hobbes on the head, “That’s good, Bobby.”>

Lauren: (as Claire) Now stay! Fetch!

<Darien, “Why does a dog lick its...”

The phone rings, cutting off the word.>

Lauren: Lollipop?

Stacey: Master?

Lauren: If you’re Master was Darien wouldn’t you lick him?

Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>

Everyone: Lauren!

Lauren: Aw come on, my joke is no dirtier then Darien’s!

Liz: But wasn’t he supposed to say...

(everyone whacks Liz with their pillows)

Lauren: Is she calling in an air strike?

Stacey: Apparently she’s so poor she bought a cell phone from the ‘80s.

Stacey: Did Eberts forget to pay the electric bill again?

<Official, “It’s Tuesday.”>

Stacey: (as Official) And I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

<Claire picks up leaves to crumple to pretend the signal is breaking up.

Official, “Are you crumpling leaves?”>

Stacey: She should’ve used carbon paper.

Lauren: She should’ve just hung up.

Img: Oh please! Candy wrappers work soooo much better!

<Official, “We got a new satellite phone, paid $900 for it!”

Eberts, “$950.”>

Liz: Do I hear $975?

Stacey: (as Official) And now I’m sittin’ here in the dark, listening to you crumple leaves!

Joyce: Hey! The Fish spent money on his agents!

Lauren: (as Mike doing an Eberts File) I chose to see it as one full sentence; Nine-hundred and fifty...

<Darien, “Oh God, what is that smell?”>

Lauren: (as Claire) Sorry, that patch of leaves I picked up a minute ago had a present from a passing deer.

Liz: (as Hobbes) Opps.

<Hobbes, “Ah! A bone! A bone! A bone!”>

Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>

Liz: Why’d she faint?

Lauren: Think about it, Hobbes is very happy about finding a bone.

Liz: (fainting) <THUD>

Emma: You’re just in Naughtyville today, aren’t you?

Joyce: Bobby needs some Prozac.

<Claire, examining skull, “No, it’s real.”>

Stacey: (as Claire) I have one just like it back at the lab.

Img: (as Claire as Hamlet) Alas, poor Yorick.

<Claire, “Gigantiapithicus Blackheave.”>

Lauren: Bless you.

Img: How would you like to fit that name on your test papers!

Lauren: Heck I didn’t like typing it!

<Hobbes, “That is baby Bigfoot!”>

Lauren: It’s Jim Henson’s Bigfoot Babies!

<Hobbes, “You want proof? Poof! Proof!”>

Lauren: His alliteration is absolutely alluring.

Img: This is starting to sound like Dr. Seuss.

Everyone: AAHH! (they faint) <THUD>

Lauren: (recovering) What is this, the Playboy Channel?!

Img: (as Mountain Man) This is the police, put your zipper up.

Joyce: If it wasn’t for bad luck, Darien wouldn’t have any luck at all.

Lauren: You know this is how Bambi’s mother died.

<Hobbes, “I need a clear shot, Fawkes!”

Darien, quicksilvering, “That is not a problem.”>

Liz: Oh, so quicksilver comes in a special bulletproof edition now?

<Mountain Man puts on thermal glasses so he can see Darien.

Darien, “He’s got thermals!”>

Joyce: Well it is cold outside.

Stacey: He means the glasses.

Lauren: (as Mountain Man) And they said all that time at Radio Shack wouldn’t pay off!

Lauren: Fire in the hole!

Stacey: When did this turn into WWII?

Lauren: If Tom Hanks shows up looking for someone named Ryan I am SO switching to Comedy Central!

Lauren: Invisible Men in the Mist.

IMan: (as Darien) Wow, I knew I shouldn’t have had those beans for breakfast.

<Gray, “How the Hell did you disappear like that?”>

Lauren: (as Darien) I’m a Shaman, didn’t you know?

IMan: (as Darien) Well there once was a story about a man who could turn invisible...

<Hobbes, “Grab a couple more crews, maybe a chopper.”>

Lauren: Chopper? Oh by, this’ll all end up on Worlds Wildest Police Videos!

<Darien, to Gray who is staring at him with his jaw dropped, “What?”>

Lauren: (as Darien) Dude, I can see your uvula...close your mouth!

<Claire, “Did you say chopper?”>

Lauren: Yea, but Radar said they can’t get a chopper till morning.

Lauren: (singing) Under the gypsy moon...

Stacey: (singing) Moon river!

Lauren: You know ghost stories don’t work half as well without an audience.

IMan: And that was the wonderful vocal skill of Darien Fawkes.

Stacey: (singing) Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya...

Joyce: Hey, I already sang that!

Stacey: The song so nice we sang it twice?

Lauren: (as the other half of the 2-headed Muppet) Wewewewewewewe...

Liz: (as Hobbes, muttering) Oh yea Claire, just like that...oh that’s it....now a little more to the...

(everyone whacks Liz with their pillows)

Lauren: And y’all say I’M in Naughtyville!

<Darien, frantic, “Hobbes...Hobbes...HOBBES!”>

Liz: He sounds like a broken record, someone give him a push.

Lauren: Was that a twister?

Stacey: Heck of a small one!

Lauren: Well twisters take whole houses, perhaps this was a dust devil?

Joyce: Why didn’t the Bigfoot just go after Darien while he was sitting by the campfire?

<Hobbes, walking off, “Wait here.”

Darien, “What do you mean wait here?!”>

Lauren: (as Darien) Don’t you know that the guy left alone in monster movies always dies?!

Joyce: Bigfoot has bad breath.

Liz: Eeew! He’s just been slimed!

IMan: (as the Invisible Wendigo) Yum...Darien tastes so yummy.

Emma: Reminds me of a date I had in high school.

Joyce: Wouldn’t we all like to do that.

Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>
Joyce: I knew I could make her do that.

(Lauren and Joyce low-five)

Lauren: (as football announcer) Gray is at the 15, the 10...he drops Fawkes at the 5...TOUCHDOWN!

Lauren: This is what happens when Harvey the Rabbit goes insane.

Stacey: Why, is it the indestructible truck from Twister?

Lauren: (as Claire) It’s Ford tough!

Joyce: What took her so long to get out here?

<Darien, “I don’t know but it...licked me.”>

Lauren: Heck, who wouldn’t?!

Stacey: (fainting) <THUD>

Liz: I think this MiSTing is now rated PG-13.

Stacey: (recovering) That is one lucky Wendigo.

<Hobbes, “If we don’t move, it won’t see us.”>

Joyce: What? You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!

Lauren: Thanks Dr. Grant.

Stacey: It’s a Big Foot, not a T-Rex!

Lauren: I Know What You Did Last Summer With Quicksilver.

Liz: More Jurassic Park flashbacks!

Stacey: Now we know what movie Craig watched before writing this script.

Joyce: The happy hunter returns.

Lauren: Does anyone else think the Wendigo sounds like those monsters from DOOM?

Stacey: You fargin icehole!

Lauren: You suminum beeches!

Lauren: My Geo Tracker can be flipped by an anorexic woman.

(Everyone cranes their neck to the left to see the picture right side up.)

Stacey: I don’t know about Darien, but I’d jump at the chance to land on top of Hobbes.

Lauren: If a T-Rex shows up, I am SO switching to Comedy Central!

<It’s daylight as they survey the trashed campsite.>

Lauren: So...they stayed in the tipped over truck all night?

Stacey: Man, you go away for one weekend and leave the kids in charge...

Stacey: Is he going to ask about the Matrix?

Lauren: If he does...

Stacey: We know, you’re so switching to Comedy Central.

Lauren: (pouting) Aw man, I like that running gag!

<Hobbes, “No satellite phone.”>

Stacey: Is your gun gone too?

Lauren: No van.

Stacey: No street.

<Hobbes, “Don’t panic.”>

Lauren: Hobbes must have read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

<Darien, “How about that FREAKING INVISIBLE MONSTER?!”>

Everyone: WOA!!

Stacey: Clearly this is Darien not panicking.

Lauren: Time for some valium!

Stacey: Or counteragent.

Lauren: (as Hobbes) Relax partner, you didn’t go QSM.

<Hobbes, “What do you mean invisible?”>

IMan: (as Bobby) Hold on I have to get out my dictionary...

Stacey: Not seen.

Lauren: Imperceptible.

Stacey: Indistinguishable.

Lauren: Indiscernible.

Stacey: The dictionary says “See Fawkes, Darien”.

Stacey: She carries that around in her purse?

Lauren: She’s the scientist version of a Boy Scout...always prepared!

<Darien, “No really, Claire, it’s real. Bigfoot! It’s Wendigo.”

Hobbes, “Sasquatch.”>

Liz: They forget Yetti.

<Darien, “Something licked me last night, pal.”>

Lauren: Stacey, did you go out drinking and get carried away again?

Stacey: Trust me, his face wouldn’t have been the only thing I licked!

Everyone: (fainting) <THUD>

(Lauren low fives Stacey)

<Claire, “This blood is saturated with quicksilver!”

There is a huge honkin’ pause of at least 10 seconds.>

Lauren starts whistling the Final Jeopardy Theme

Stacey: I think they’re all wondering what Craig was smoking when he wrote this episode.

Lauren: (as Vince) Uh...line?

<Darien, “Whatever you want to call it, it’s real!”>

Lauren: (as Darien) And it licked me! Don’t forget that!

<Darien, “It’s where the quicksilver gland came from, isn’t it?”>

Liz: That’s quite a leap of logic!

(Stacey dives for the remote)

Lauren: What are you doing?

Stacey: Craig just gave Bigfoot the gland, I’m switching to Comedy Central.

(she switches the channel only to find an 90’s SNL rerun)

<SNL, “Bigfoot! The Big-meister! Big-o-rama! The Bigman! Thou of the large feet!”>

(Stacey switches it back to SciFi)

Stacey: Wow...uh...remind me never to do that again.

<Hobbes, “I say right now we go out and bag us a Bigfoot!”>

Stacey: Paper or plastic?

Lauren: Does he have a license? Do you know your limit?

Stacey: But it’s not Bigfoot season, it’s rabbit season.

Lauren: No, it’s duck season.

Stacey: Rabbit season!

Lauren: Duck season!

Stacey: Duck season!

Lauren: Rabbit season!

Stacey: OK, it’s rabbit season!

Lauren: (pause) You’re despicable.

Stacey: So...this was one of the things on their checklist, then?

Lauren: Oh sure. Don’t you take a huge honkin’ rope net with you when you go into the woods?

Img: Thanks to the IMan gang, Ewoks living all over planet Earth will have better, safer homes.

<Darien, “Requesting radio silence for all eternity, out.”>

Lauren: Just Country stations though, I like the classic rock radio.

<Hobbes, “Don’t you have a mating call, like a Werewolf kind of thing?”>

Stacey: Darien Fawkes is the Invisible Werewolf in London.

Lauren: But they’re in San Diego.

Stacey: Whatever.

Lauren: If Michael Landon shows up I am SO switching to Comedy Central!

Stacey: I think Darien did the mating call at the beginning...you know, that whoop he let out?

<Darien, “Come to think of it, my hair has grown a lot faster since I got this gland in my head.”>

Lauren: Well that explains a lot.

Liz: Hey, I like Darien’s hair! I thought you liked Darien’s hair. You told me you liked Darien’s hair!

Joyce: And mighty fine hair it is too.

Lauren: Actually I think it’s the thickness that makes it so cool.

Joyce: I ment...nevermind...

<Hobbes, “Maybe it’ll work as a topical solution to hair loss.”>

Stacey: Gotta be better than hair plugs.

Lauren: Hobbes, don’t change a hair. We love you just the way you are.

<Darien, “Quicksilver...for men.”

Claire, “Use it at the risk of your sanity!”>

Joyce: Only $19.99 if you order in the next 10 minutes!

Lauren: Wait a sec, Claire can’t riff...she’s in the show!

Stacey: Darien’s not just the president of the Quicksilver Club For Men...

<Claire, “He’s your gland-daddy!”>

(The audience groans along with Darien and Hobbes)

Lauren: Craig must’ve been drunk when he wrote that joke.

Stacey: OK, there’s the cheesy punchline. Can we go home now?

Emma: Hehe! Claire made a funny!

Lauren: (surprised) She did?

Lauren: I’m getting a Cat and Mouse flashback here...

Lauren: Let’s hear it for Paul and his wire work, ladies and gentlemen!

(Everyone applauds)

<Hobbes, “Where’s Fawkes?”>

Stacey: He realized how bad this episode is and he left.

<Official, “I realize the tribes are getting restless.”>

Lauren: I think that’s straight from a John Wayne western.

Stacey: Which one?

Lauren: All of them.

<Official, “Trust me, you’ll have your answers soon.”>

Stacey: (as Official) I just photocopied the teacher’s answers, I’ll have them on the Web in an hour.

Stacey: Couldn’t find any leaves, I take it.

Lauren: (as Eberts) I hope the Official doesn’t find out this is his paycheck.

IMan: (as Eberts) Look sir, it’s a goose.

Lauren: If Jessica shows up looking for Ralph I am SO...gonna get real confused on what eppy this is.

Joyce: He is just as adorable upside down.

Lauren: (as Obi-Wan) Luke...you must go to Degoba.

IMan: (as Darien) I knew I had too much to drink last night at the party.

Stacey: That’s every woman’s fantasy right there.

Lauren: Yeah, all but the upside down part. And the tied up part. And the being in a tree part. And...

Stacey: OK, so it’s MY fantasy right there!

<Darien, waking up, “Aw crap.”>

Lauren: Not now Darien, if you did it’d be really messy.

(everyone throws their pillows at Lauren)

Lauren: So that’s where Guybrush’s parents are buried!

Lauren: (as Darien) Hrm...gum, pickpocket tools, hair gel...hey wait, maybe the Wendigo needs a makeover!

Lauren: Oh if he tries to pee now I am SO...gonna watch.

(everyone throws their pillows at Lauren)

Lauren: (glaring at everyone) Oh, like you guys wouldn’t!

<Darien, over walkie-talkie, “Mayday! Mayday!”>

Lauren: Mayday? Why that’s the Russian new year! We’ll have a parade and party...

<Darien, over walkie-talkie, “Kirk to Enterprise, you there?”>

Stacey: (as Darien) Beam me the Hell outta here, Scotty!

Emma: (as Darien) One to beam directly to Uhura’s quarters.

<Hobbes, to Darien who has just talked over the walkie-talkie, “Are you alive?”

Darien, “I don’t know.”>

Lauren: Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. Can’t even figure out if they’re alive or not.

IMan: I’ll check his pulse.

Liz: I’ll check MORE than his pulse.

Stacey: (singing) Ah ah ah ah, stayin’ alive! Stayin’ alive!

<Hobbes, “Fawkes, you just hang in there!”>

Lauren: (as Hobbes) Or just hang from there as your case may be.

Stacey: Oh ha ha. That’s the second cheesy punchline, can we go now?

<Hobbes, “What’s your 20, Fawkes?”

Stacey: (as Darien) Well I’m in a tree, near a bush that’s next to another tree on top of some grass.

<Darien, “Well if you don’t mind could you hurry it up please cause, uh...” he pauses>

Lauren: (as Darien) ...all the blood is rushing to my head!

<Darien, “It’s getting close to dinnertime, you know what I mean.”>

Stacey: Yeah, my stomach’s starting to rumble myself and I could go for a hot...

Lauren: I think he means the Bigfoot.

Stacey: Oh.

IMan: Yum...Darien a la carte.

Bryna: I always thought that if Wendigo every decided to eat Darien, he would cough up the biggest hairball.

<Claire, to Darien, “I think that it wants to...mate with you.”>

Lauren: Heck, who doesn’t!

Everyone: (fainting)