Author: Melon

Summary: Darien and Hobbes get themselves in a sticky mess while investigating the murder of an inventor.

Scene: Wilkins' house. Late at night. Guys in masks break down the door and point their guns at Wilkins.

Wilkins: (shaking) Who... Who are you? What do you want?

Masked Man 1: Where's the prototype?

(Masked Man 2 presses his gun against Wilkins' head.)

Wilkins: In the attic.

(Masked Man 1 heads to the attic.)

Wilkins: Please don't take it! It's my life's work!

Masked Man 2: Not anymore. (Pulls the trigger. Wilkins falls to the floor.) Did you get it?

Masked Man 1: (shows Masked Man 2 the prototype) Let's go.

Scene: Morning. Official's office. Eberts and the Official are sorting through some papers. Darien and Hobbes enter.

Hobbes: You wanted to see us, sir?

Official: Yes. Take a seat.

(Darien and Hobbes sit.)

Official: Scientist and inventor Herbert Wilkins was shot last night. Nothing was stolen from his house, not the TV, stereo, cash, nothing. Except this… (hands Darien and Hobbes the file.)

Darien: (reading) The Sodium Chloride Battery.

Hobbes: Sodium what?

Eberts: Sodium Chloride, table salt. Wilkins had devised a car battery that could be filled with salt water instead of sulfuric acid. As you know, a solution of sodium chloride and water is electrolytic…

Hobbes: (to Darien) Is he speaking English?

Eberts: Since salt water is a great conductor of electricity, is abundant, and is much safer to handle than sulfuric acid, a sodium chloride battery is more efficient and less costly.

Official: The identities of the thieves are unknown. Two days before Wilkins died, he spoke with Dr. Neal, the curator of the Museum of the World's Greatest Inventions. I want you two to interrogate him, find out what you can.

Darien: Why is the Agency looking into this?

Hobbes: How many times do I have to tell you! Never ask questions! Just do your job!

Darien: Can't I get out of this "job" on good behavior or something?

Official: Don't make me laugh! Now get out of here!

(Darien and Hobbes exit.)

Darien: I have to go for my weekly check-up. Meet you in the van in ten minutes.

(Hobbes walks out to the van. Darien heads to the lab.)

Scene: Keeper's lab. Keeper looks busy as usual. Darien walks in.

Keeper: Ah! Well if it isn't our very own Oliver Twist!

Darien: (with sad puppy eyes and a fake accent) Please can I have some more?

(Keeper smiles.)

Keeper: Let me see… (checks Darien's tattoo, then prepares a shot of counteragent and administers it to Darien)

(Darien breathes a sigh of relief.)

Keeper: You're done, mate.

Darien: (as he walks out the door) Thanks.

Keeper: Be careful.

Scene: Hobbes' van. Darien jumps in the passenger's seat. Hobbes drives off.

(Darien and Hobbes arrive at the Museum of the World's Greatest Inventions and enter.)

Hobbes: (to Secretary) We're here to speak with Dr. Neal.

Secretary: He will see you now.

(Darien and Hobbes enter his room. The plaque on the door says, "Dr. Ted Neal. Museum Curator.")

Dr. Neal: Welcome! I'm Dr. Neal.

Hobbes: Robert Hobbes. And this is Darien Fawkes.

Darien: Hi. (waves)

Dr. Neal: Why exactly is it you are here?

Hobbes: We're federal agents here to investigate the murder of Herbert Wilkins. I understand you spoke to him a few days ago?

Dr. Neal: (mouth drops open in shock) Oh God! (gets back to question) Yes. Yes, I did.

Hobbes: What was discussed during your meeting with Mr. Wilkins?

Dr. Neal: Um, well, he met with me to donate his invention to the museum.

Hobbes: What invention was this?

Dr. Neal: His Sodium Chloride Battery. Would you like to see it? I could give you a tour of the museum.

Hobbes: Yeah, we'd like that.

(They walk out of the office.)

Dr. Neal: (aside to Darien) Do you have any relation to Kevin Fawkes?

Darien: How do you know about Kevin?

Dr. Neal: He was one of the greatest inventors I had ever seen. Do you think he would want to donate any of his "fantastic wonders" to the museum?

Darien: (stutters a bit) Kevin's dead.

Dr. Neal: Oh Lord! Two great inventors lost! I'm so sorry Darien.

Hobbes: (looks at tube-like machine) What's this?

Dr. Neal: That is a hydrogen generator. It creates electricity using hydrogen as fuel. Oh, here it is! Wilkins' Sodium Chloride Battery! (beeper goes off) I hope you enjoyed the tour! I must go! You know, Darien, I think the best way to honor Kevin is by allowing us to display his greatest invention. Give it some thought, will you? (runs off)

(Hobbes eyes a bottle with a clear, gooey substance in it.)

Hobbes: What's this? (letting his curiosity get the best of him, he reaches for the bottle and opens it.)

(Darien is looking at the displays and thinking about Neal's words. Hobbes accidentally dumps the bottle and gets the stuff all over his right hand.)

Hobbes: Yuck!

Darien: (suddenly aware of Hobbes) Didn't your mother tell you not to touch anything? Come on, let's go. (grabs Hobbes' right hand with his right hand) Oh, man! What is this stuff?

Hobbes: (looks at label on bottle which says, "Strongest Glue Ever Made! Warning: Don't touch! Substance will not come off of skin!") Uh oh…

Darien: Uh oh? (looks at label) Aw crap!

(Darien and Hobbes try to pull their hands apart, but can't.)

Darien: Hang on! I'm going to try something! (quicksilvers his body) Maybe I can freeze it off!

(Darien and Hobbes continue to pull, but their hands don't come apart.)

Darien: Dammit!

Hobbes: Alright Mr. See-Through, what are we going to do?

Darien: Let's just casually walk out of here, Mr. I-Have-To-Touch-Everything! (starts walking and drags Hobbes)

Hobbes: Hey! Whoa! Stop! Don't you think it will look a little weird if I walk out of here backwards?! You're the invisible one, remember?!

(Darien grumbles. Hobbes walks toward the door.)

Darien: Wait! Can't you walk at a normal pace? It's not easy to walk backwards you know!

(Hobbes whispers, "One step! Two step! One step! Two step…" as they both exit the building. Dr. Neal, in the guard's room, has been watching their every move on the security camera.)

Scene: Keeper's lab. Darien and Hobbes enter clumsily, with Hobbes still directing, "One step! Two step…"

Keeper: What is it Hobbes? And what are you bloody shouting for?

Darien: Drill Sergeant over here spilled super glue on his hand and got it on my hand, too!

Hobbes: Hey! You're the one that grabbed MY hand!

Keeper: Boys! Boys! Stop arguing! And Darien, make yourself visible!

(Darien makes himself visible. Keeper begins to laugh hysterically.)

Darien and Hobbes: What's so funny?!

Keeper: The way you got stuck together! You're not even facing the same direction! (laughs again)

Hobbes: Ha! Ha! Ha! Would you just find a way to get this glue off!

Keeper: (into intercom, trying to keep from laughing, speaking to the Official) You better come down to the lab. (no longer talking to the intercom, she has her hand over her mouth and is giggling) Alright! Let me take a look! (scoops a sample of the nearly dried up glue and puts it under the microscope for study)

(Official and Eberts enter the lab.)

Official: What's going on here?

(Hobbes turns around and nearly trips Darien.)

Hobbes: Sir, I can explain… you see, I accidentally spilled some super strong glue on my hand and…

Official: Enough! I get the picture!

(Keeper and Eberts are trying to keep from laughing.)

Hobbes: Something funny Eberts?!

Keeper: (leaves the microscope and stands by the crowd) I'm afraid you two will be stuck together for a little while.

Darien: You mean you don't know how to get it off? How long are we going to be stuck like this?

Keeper: I'm not entirely sure, but I'd gather about one and a half to two days. The quicksilver in Darien's body will freeze the glue off eventually, but the process takes time.

Darien: And you're sure there's nothing that will get this glue off? (looks worried)

Keeper: No. This glue is most certainly super strong. (smiles)

Official: I guess you two will get to share some quality time. (grins and laughs) Keep working on the case. If you find any new information, contact me.

Hobbes: Sir! No disrespect, but you seriously don't expect me to carry out my duty like this?

(Official laughs again. Official and Eberts exit.)

Keeper: I'll call you if I find a way to remove the glue.

(Darien and Hobbes exit, tripping over themselves a couple of times.)

Hobbes: (in the hallway) This may be a bad time, but I, uh, kind of have to make a stop to the men's room.

Darien: (thinks to himself) Why me? Why?

Scene: Private conference room in the museum. Dr. Neal is speaking to the two men.

Dr. Neal: This next job is not going to be easy. The feds are getting too close. (hands Man 1 the file Man 2 brought) Do you think you can do this job? Smith? Jones?

Man 1: You gotta be kidding me!

Man 2: (ignores Man 1) Yeah, we can get it for you. But it'll cost you extra, plus the cost of getting that information.

Dr. Neal: Fine! But keep this quiet, you hear! This could be one of the greatest inventions of all time! I don't want you to lose it!

Man 2: No problem boss.

Man 1: I'm in.

(Man 1 and Man 2 exit.)

Scene: Darien's apartment. Darien and Hobbes have just walked in.

Darien: I still don't understand why we had to go to MY place.

Hobbes: (innocently) My bed's not big enough.

Darien: Oh sure.

Hobbes: So, um, how are we going to shower?

Darien: Shower! No way! You're just going to have to smell for two days!

Hobbes: Come on Fawkes! I'm sweaty and stinky!

Darien: Hell no!!

Hobbes: Fine! Just don't complain if I don't smell nice!

Darien: Let's just get some sleep, O.K.?

Hobbes: Oh sure! You'll sleep in the same bed as me, but you won't let me take a shower!

Darien: (angrily) You're about two seconds away from sleeping on the floor!

Hobbes: Alright! Alright! I give up! Let's go to sleep.

(Darien and Hobbes struggle to get comfortable in Darien's bed.)

Hobbes: Fawkes? Can I sleep on my back? You don't mind sleeping on your stomach do you?

Darien: Fine, I sleep on my stomach. Now stay on your side and go to bed already!

(Darien shuts his eyes. Hobbes snores. Darien puts his pillow over his ears.)

Scene: Hobbes is dressed in a trench coat and sunglasses and is surrounded by lots of beautiful women. Music is heard in the background.

Mysterious Voice: Who's the best agent at the Department of Fish and Game?

Women: Hobbes!

Mysterious Voice: Aw yeah! Who's that guy that's sooooo smooth?

Women: Hobbes! Shut yo mouth!

Another Voice: Hobbes! Hobbes! Wake up!

(Hobbes begins to wake up.)

Darien: Hobbes! Wake up!

Hobbes: I'm awake! I'm awake! Sheesh! You just interrupted a really good dream!

Darien: At least you got some sleep! I had to listen to your loud snoring all night! Do you see these dark circles under my eyes?!

Hobbes: (trying to change the subject) So, what's for breakfast?

Darien: What do I look like? A maid?!

Hobbes: Geez Mr. Cranky! I'll fix my own breakfast! (looks in fridge, finds the expired milk, and smells it) You actually drink this stuff?

Darien: I was thinking last night. Didn't Neal seem, I don't know, fake or flaky? Like he was trying to hide something?

Hobbes: You're not suggesting HE murdered Wilkins, are you?

(Masked Man 1 and Masked Man 2 break down the door and point their guns at Darien and Hobbes.)

Masked Man 1: Well what have we got here? A two-headed monster?

Masked Man 2: You got the dart gun?

Masked Man 1: Yeah. (shoots Darien in the neck, then shoots Hobbes in the rear)

(Darien and Hobbes fall down.)

Scene: White room. Darien and Hobbes are lying on a table and are strapped down. Darien lies with his back to the table, while Hobbes lies with his stomach to the table. Dr. Neal and the two masked men are also present.

Dr. Neal: How are you feeling?

Darien: Like I've been shot with a tranquilizer dart!

Hobbes: At least you weren't shot in the ass! (looks around) Hey! Could someone please tell me what's going on?

Dr. Neal: (to Darien) I would advise that you keep your head as still as possible. This is going to hurt.

Darien: What are you going to do? Dissect my brain?

Dr. Neal: Stop pretending! I know about the gland!

Darien: You're going to dissect my pineal gland?!

Dr. Neal: (frustrated) Your brother created the quicksilver gland, and you took it from him! And worst of all, you had it implanted in your own brain!

Darien: It wasn't like that!

Hobbes: You tell him Fawkes!

Darien: Shut up Hobbes!

Hobbes: Shutting up now.

Dr. Neal: Liar! You're a thief, and you stole your brother's greatest invention! I'm going to make sure the gland is properly showcased in my museum, as it should be!

Darien: (getting closer to madness and beginning to realize Neal's intentions) You murdered Wilkins, didn't you? He didn't want to give the battery to the museum, so you took it from him!

Dr. Neal: He didn't know the value of what he possessed! All great inventions belong in the museum! Besides, as long as only a prototype exists, the invention is more valuable. And if the creator dies, the value of the invention skyrockets! Don't you understand!

Darien: Yeah, I understand all right. You're a psycho!

Dr. Neal: (angry) Let's start the operation already! I want the gland out of this pea brain's head!

Darien: Pea brain? Where did you pick up such vocabulary? Kindergarten?

Hobbes: Operation? You can't operate! It'll kill him!

Dr. Neal: Does this look like the face of someone who cares?

(Masked Man 1 revs up the drill. Masked Man 2 rolls the cart with tools on it over to Dr. Neal. Dr. Neal grabs the drill and prepares to operate. Darien, who's eyes have turned completely red, breaks his straps, knocks the drill out of Neal's hands, and chokes Neal with his free hand. In the process, Darien yanked Hobbes out of his straps and onto Masked Man 2, knocking him down and almost knocking out Hobbes. Hobbes quickly gets up and reaches for the knife. He gets the knife and throws it at Masked Man 1. Masked Man 1 falls down.)

Hobbes: Let him go Fawkes!

(Darien throws Dr. Neal across the room, then looks at Hobbes with his red eyes.)

Hobbes: Uh oh… (looks around, grabs a chair) Sorry Fawkes! This is for your own good! (smacks Darien with the chair, knocking him down)

Scene: Keeper's lab. Darien lies on the table. Hobbes is standing beside him. Darien begins to open his eyes.

Darien: (feels a pain in his head) Oh man! What happened?

Hobbes: You went quicksilver mad on me, and I had to knock you out, for your own good! Then I had to drag your heavy ass all the way back here!

(Darien, without thinking, forcefully lifts himself out of the chair. His hand rips off of Hobbes' hand.)

Darien and Hobbes: Yeow!!!

Hobbes: My hand! Oh how I've missed you!

Keeper: The freezing properties of the quicksilver in Darien must have forced the glue off. You better wash your hands really well. Make sure you remove any remaining glue.

Darien: Well, I guess this is one time when I'm actually glad to have the gland! Thank you quicksilver!

Scene: The white room. Masked Man 1 is dead. Masked Man 2 is gathering supplies. Dr. Neal is coming to and opens his eyes.

Dr. Neal: Oh! My head! (to Masked Man 2) Smith! Where are you going? We still have to get the gland! Smith!

Masked Man 2: My name's not Smith! (grabs his gun and shoots Neal) It's Arnaud.

The End